I don't know how to reject him.

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clay5
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20 Jan 2018, 3:02 pm

Probably_Drunk wrote:

the issue is that she knew what he wanted and continued to repeatedly kiss and cuddle with him knowing that in his mind things were getting more serious and that he was planning a future with her, and letting a guy rub his penis on you and ejaculate on you is a little more than something semi-sexual, it's a straight forward sex act, stop underplaying what she's done, she has been totally shitty to this guy, used him and hurt him to satisfy her own needs, stop trying to make it sound like reasonable behaviour. what happened to defending victims?, oh right I forgot, only women get to be victims anymore.

nah the penis thing yesterday evening wasn't to use him or to satisfy my own needs or to lead him on; it marked the point where I end it. I was kind of surprised by it and had previously thought he might have no interest in sex, maybe also erectile dysfunciton, although I never really thought about it much, then suddenly this happened. Immediately after it I drove him to his night shift and took the decision it has to end for good, then I went home washed his semen out my hair, Probably Drunk, and that was yesterday, you can calm down now!

Probably Drunk I know it is not easy on his feelings that I'm going to reject him, which is why I made this thread. I cannot turn back time but I will never hug a male again anyway. Lesson learned, calm down now.



karathraceandherspecialdestiny
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20 Jan 2018, 3:08 pm

clay5 wrote:
Probably_Drunk wrote:
Sycamore wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
He knew her for a full year before the cuddling thing. I think he was in love with her way before the 2 last weeks.


I agree this is possible, even probable, but until 2 weeks ago he had no grounds to consider it anything other than unrequited love. Unrequited love, like being dumped, is one of those things which can feel utterly, utterly horrible but which shouldn't utterly and permanently ruin a person's life and is unlikely to do so unless there are other major problems in that life to start with. Plus, however long he's been in love with her, planning a whole future life together based on only 2 weeks of romantic / semi-sexual response from her remains a pretty whacky course of behaviour.

the issue is that she knew what he wanted and continued to repeatedly kiss and cuddle with him knowing that in his mind things were getting more serious and that he was planning a future with her, and letting a guy rub his penis on you and ejaculate on you is a little more than something semi-sexual, it's a straight forward sex act, stop underplaying what she's done, she has been totally shitty to this guy, used him and hurt him to satisfy her own needs, stop trying to make it sound like reasonable behaviour. what happened to defending victims?, oh right I forgot, only women get to be victims anymore.

nah the penis thing yesterday evening wasn't to use him or to satisfy my own needs or to lead him on; it marked the point where I end it. I was kind of surprised by it and had previously thought he might have no interest in sex, maybe also erectile dysfunciton, although I never really thought about it much, then suddenly this happened. Immediately after it I drove him to his night shift and took the decision it has to end for good, then I went home washed his semen out my hair, Probably Drunk, and that was yesterday, you can calm down now! :-)


It sounds like you know what you need to do and who is (and isn't really) your friend. Just ignore the people here trying to tell you its your fault for not wanting to have a relationship with someone you don't want to have a relationship with. They obviously have their own stuff to deal with. This guy doesn't respect your boundaries and won't make a good friend, and he will get over the rejection.



Probably_Drunk
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20 Jan 2018, 3:09 pm

I'd like to add that my responses are not all directed at clay5, I'm sure she knows that she's done wrong and is planning to put it right, my continued responses are aimed at the people attempting to justify or defend shitty behaviour, and the very clear women's privilege being shown on this thread.



clay5
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20 Jan 2018, 3:18 pm

Probably Drunk. Neither me, nor anybody in this thread, nor feminists are saying that I should use my 'women's privilege' to continue to hug this guy. You're missing the point.



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20 Jan 2018, 3:28 pm

I just don’t think she treated the guy shittily, to be honest.

I’ve been in a couple of relationships where the woman was ambivalent. It drove me crazy. But I still don’t believe I was treated shittily.

Women frequently just want hugs....and that’s okay. I’m not a horny monster myself; sometimes, I want “just hugs,” too. And I’m just as much of a man as one who is perpetually horny.

I hope, OP, that you do feel like hugging a man again. Please don’t be angry at all men.



clay5
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20 Jan 2018, 3:30 pm

Probably_Drunk wrote:
clay5 wrote:
Probably Drunk. Neither me, nor anybody in this thread, nor feminists are saying that I should use my 'women's privilege' to continue to hug this guy. You're missing the point.

I'm not saying you're using it, I'm saying people are defending behaviour that they wouldn't defend from a man, it's not an attack on you, I'm just saying if a man had posted this same thread he'd be getting much harsher responses from allot of the people here.

not sure in which way you are helping men in this matter. How does it help men if people came on here and insulted me?



clay5
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20 Jan 2018, 3:32 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:

I hope, OP, that you do feel like hugging a man again. Please don’t be angry at all men.

I'm not angry at men. I just don't want the same thing to happen again, that he wants a relationship and sex, because I want neither.



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20 Jan 2018, 3:33 pm

Criticism isn't an insult.


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Probably_Drunk
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20 Jan 2018, 3:35 pm

clay5 wrote:
Probably_Drunk wrote:
clay5 wrote:
Probably Drunk. Neither me, nor anybody in this thread, nor feminists are saying that I should use my 'women's privilege' to continue to hug this guy. You're missing the point.

I'm not saying you're using it, I'm saying people are defending behaviour that they wouldn't defend from a man, it's not an attack on you, I'm just saying if a man had posted this same thread he'd be getting much harsher responses from allot of the people here.

not sure in which way you are helping men in this matter. How does it help men if people came on here and insulted me?

I'm not here helping men, I'm defending the victim, who some people here were calling an abuser, I was just pointing out the hypocrisy of some of those posts.



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20 Jan 2018, 7:09 pm

Pretending to be romantically or sexually interested in a guy when you aren't because you are so desperate to have a friend is a bit like a guy claiming to be a girl's friend when he isn't, because he is desperate to have her as a girlfriend.

Both are dishonest and maladaptive.

That aside, it is nearly impossible to reject someone without hurting their feelings a little because humans are social animals and are hard wired to feel hurt at rejection.

Given that, you are not accountable for that hurt. They themselves take on that accountability when they take the risk of approach.

It's of the uttmost importance in life that people, particularly girls and women (because they struggle with doing so more and are more at risk of exploitation) learn to say no and enforce their boundaries in life.

If you do not learn to do this, your life will likely be a lot worse than it would be if you did learn to do it. You will leave situations feeling exploited and taken advantage of or in some instances even abused, and you will suffer the regret of not standing up for yourself.

There are ways to reject men tactfully that can reduce your risk of retaliatory assault.

A+B

A
"I'm very flattered but..."
"You have really made my day but..."

And so on, but not anything involving the idea of them being nice, because they will start to think "If I'm such a nice guy, why do girls keep rejecting me?".

B
"I am not interested right now."
"I'm not looking for a relationship right now."
"I'm not available."
And the ever so popular when she really doesn't want to be hassled..
"I have a boyfriend."

But not anything like "I just want to be friends" because he can't really just be a friend.

Pitfalls to watch for

1. Guys who say "You are not interested in anyone or just me?"

This is passive aggression. These know you were trying to let them down softly and don't respect your safety boundary and are trying to breach it and drag you out and make you answer to them, which they feel they are entitled to do. They want to hear the truth but can't handle it. They have a lot of resentment and bitterness and may be prone to outbursts.

Don't give them the chance to corner you. Maintain your boundaries. You do not owe them any more of an explaination than you already gave them. I have dealt with these guys by repeating "I'm not interested," and kept moving to leave their vicinity.

2. Guys who want your number anyway or want to give you their number.

These guys tend to be more balanced they the guys above. They are more opportunistic and can take a little rejection but are also more likely to try to push boundaries.

I would tell these guys "No thanks," or 'Maybe another time" but if you say the latter, don't be surprised if they try again another time .

3. Guys who don't care if you "have a boyfriend".

These guys know they play a dirty game and will often take her attempts at friendliness as a sign that she is open to a little of him on the side. I would be firm and direct with these guys. "I said no. Leave me alone." and that is a lot nicer than my sister did when a guy continued to proposition her after she told him she was married.



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20 Jan 2018, 7:23 pm

she knew what he wanted, she knew she was hurting him, she knew she was using him, and to say the guy is responsible for making himself vulnerable to her is plain wrong, some days I really do feel embarrassed to be associated with other women.



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20 Jan 2018, 7:36 pm

I just don’t think the situation is as extreme as you think.

It’s not all “black and white.” The guy screwed up, and the woman screwed up. And the woman wants to rectify the situation and try to make things right. In order to make things right, she has to be more blunt in her language than she wants to be. She wishes she can be friends with the guy, but knows that’s impossible.

And it’s not nice to attack someone’s “morals” just because they don’t agree with you.



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20 Jan 2018, 7:39 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
I just don’t think the situation is as extreme as you think.

It’s not all “black and white.” The guy screwed up, and the woman screwed up. And the woman wants to rectify the situation and try to make things right. In order to make things right, she has to be more blunt in her language than she wants to be. She wishes she can be friends with the guy, but knows that’s impossible.

And it’s not nice to attack someone’s “morals” just because they don’t agree with you.

I'm not talking about the situation, I'm talking about the people(mostly women) blindly defending her and ignoring the fact that she's clearly the one in the wrong.



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20 Jan 2018, 8:22 pm

clay5 wrote:
(First of all, English isn't my first language)

I don't know how to let down a guy. I'm scared of hurting his feelings and I'm also scared of losing him as a friend because I have no other friends.
I met him at my last job a year ago. He told me a couple of months ago that he has a crush on me and I then told him I only want to be friends and that I have no romantic feelings for him, which he said he was OK with. But about 2 weeks ago we started to cuddle, hug, kiss. Yesterday it became sexual because I can't say no easily :( . However, I don't like sex and kissing at all, and I don't want a boyfriend. I told him a few days ago I don't want a boyfriend, then he said 'you can say what you want, but to me you are my girlfriend'. He makes plans about us going on summer vacation, introducing me to his family and friends, sharing his bed with me for the next 40 years, he wants to clear some wardrobes in his bedroom for me to bring some stuff. He's taking it too far all of a sudden. I know I should have broken it off earlier but it's kind of nice to have someone to hug and cuddle, and I don't have any friends, and at the moment I have no job so I'm very lonely and stressed.
I'm scared of talking to him about not wanting a relationship and sex.


All I can say is that you need to put your foot down and tell him bluntly that you do not want to take the relationship further. Tell him straight up that you don't like sex and don't want a boyfriend. If he's still being persistent on it, then you either need to get away from him or be a little firmer with him with your despite whether or not it hurts his feelings. I know it can be hard, but to be quite honest there is a time where you need to be the bigger person and know when to call it quits. It's obviously you two want different things.

Prolonging acts of physical contact which make you feel uncomfortable will just continue to hurt you in the long run. Don't continue to allow yourself to do such things that make you uneasy. Don't be afraid to say no.

(Sorry for the late response. I really didn't want to read though the slew of comments. But I hope everything works out.)


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20 Jan 2018, 8:55 pm

yet again ignoring the victim to offer support to the perpetrator, feminism at its finest, I really despair at the way society is going.