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paintmepink
Pileated woodpecker
Pileated woodpecker

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Joined: 24 Jun 2017
Age: 30
Gender: Male
Posts: 179
Location: Canada

09 Feb 2018, 1:04 pm

Hello,

I would like to tell you about my story regarding my relationships with my "friends."

These people would constantly involve me in things I did not like, yet never asking what I (do) like frequently. When they did ask what I liked, and I told them, they were dumbfounded. This killed their buzz. If I didn't want to watch a Marvel Super Hero Movie (which is something I really don't like) they would immediately act confused.

I can't hang around people who listen to angry music (like Eminem or Machine Gun Kelly) and I can't hang around people who don't have opinions on various topics. It seems as if these people are similar to children.

None of them have grown up, they all still watch Disney movies and men in tights fighting on top of a god awful story line. None of them have any semblance of mathematics, politics, history or finance.

They would constantly rush me, talk down to me, call me an idiot, or tell me to shut up. This makes me feel inadequate, and on top of that they are agoraphobics and seldom leave their house to do any fun activities in public. They blame this on their anxiety and use Cannabis to cope with it, in medicinal context. Hilarious.

I'm probably being way too harsh on them, but this is exactly how I feel.



justRob
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

Joined: 21 Nov 2017
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 46
Location: CT

09 Feb 2018, 2:48 pm

It sounds like you are ready for a transition to a new group of friends that better reflects your interests and values.

It's important I think to have experience with groups that are different from you, for the experience and knowledge of other cultures. Helps you to understand new people/groups better, you can see ways they are similar and different.

But it sucks when you realize that you aren't happy with your friends. Extracting yourself effectively from an old group and building a relationship with a new group is tough, especially for us on the be spectrum, where (gonna generalize here) we don't fit into most groups or get along with most people. But if you're not happy it's got to be done, and I've found every time I have to find a new group of friends (by choice or necessity) it ends up much better than the last time, I think because of experience.

That's my 2c, are you planning to make a change or feeling stuck?



paintmepink
Pileated woodpecker
Pileated woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 24 Jun 2017
Age: 30
Gender: Male
Posts: 179
Location: Canada

09 Feb 2018, 2:54 pm

justRob wrote:
It sounds like you are ready for a transition to a new group of friends that better reflects your interests and values.

It's important I think to have experience with groups that are different from you, for the experience and knowledge of other cultures. Helps you to understand new people/groups better, you can see ways they are similar and different.

But it sucks when you realize that you aren't happy with your friends. Extracting yourself effectively from an old group and building a relationship with a new group is tough, especially for us on the be spectrum, where (gonna generalize here) we don't fit into most groups or get along with most people. But if you're not happy it's got to be done, and I've found every time I have to find a new group of friends (by choice or necessity) it ends up much better than the last time, I think because of experience.

That's my 2c, are you planning to make a change or feeling stuck?


I feel stuck, because my job prospects are low. I work with an employment specialist, but I can't find a good job. I can't find a job I want to wake up to every morning, or at least can tolerate.

Therefore, I have no money to go out and do anything. I spend all my money on cigarettes because I'm stressed out all the time.

I've never been with a woman, so I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve because I don't know what it's like to be in a healthy relationship.

I want to go out to the club, and dance, but all the music they play at the club is god awful.

I'd like to make a change, but I don't know where to start unless I want to be a bag boy or a burger flipper again. I'm going to school in May, but I feel like I won't find any friends there either, because I don't regard people who watch cartoons constantly, or like I said, listen to aggressive music as somebody I want to associate myself with anymore. That seems to be the predominant trend these days: cartoons, loud music, and drugs.



justRob
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

Joined: 21 Nov 2017
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 46
Location: CT

09 Feb 2018, 5:46 pm

Well, you've got some strengths. You can hang with a more mainstream crowd, by the sound of it, even if that's not what you really want. That's certainly one good skill to get the things you do want - a job you like, a girlfriend, a social circle more aligned with your values and interests. Def agree that mainstream culture sucks but navigating it is essential to getting what we all want/need.

Is there anyone in your group you get along with better than others or share interests with? Wonder if you could build a closer friendship with someone from yhe group while backing off from the group as a whole. Or do you think you could get the group into movies or things that you like?

Nice to hear you've got change coming with school in May. My best advice would be to focus up on getting ready to take the most advantage possible of this change. Work on developing yourself in ways to meet your goals. Honestly, things like focusing on fitness (not sure what your activity level is now but this is always an area to grow and a good interest to develop and share with others), eating better, maybe try to quit smoking, and working on outward social skills and "inner game", things like taking control of your focus and motivation.

And maybe get into some new (budget friendly) interests that you could share with new people that you meet, a social component. Like hiking, running, bike riding, cross fit, board games (if there's a group around), local comedy/music, volunteering. Or, what are you interested in these days? Maybe leverage this into something you could do socially. Some prep goes a long way, in that when you meet new people at school or a girl that you take an interest in, you can have a go-to thing to invite them to or talk about.

Not to trivialize any of this, it's super hard to make changes, especially when things are stressful and you're an autie/aspie in an NT world. But it sounds like you have some time and bandwidth now before school to work on self improvement and social skills. And it's not an all or nothing deal, you can miss your goals and still make positive changes. Got to challenge yourself constantly when you have the bandwidth. And from experience here, the more you make self improvement a priority in life, the better you can find and get along with other people doing the same. And folks who work on this stuff are usually (not always haha but usually) much more interesting than people who watch marvel movies at every get together and being straight up a-holes to those in their group showing any signs of intelligence or not fitting into their ugly and narrow definition of culture (years of personal experience with such a group myself, so glad to be out).

You can take control of your own life and identify and focus on positive changes. Usually we're the ones most in the way of ourselves, but what better time to focus up on this than now, before a big life change? Screw those friends, you can (and will) do better.



paintmepink
Pileated woodpecker
Pileated woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 24 Jun 2017
Age: 30
Gender: Male
Posts: 179
Location: Canada

09 Feb 2018, 6:09 pm

justRob wrote:
Well, you've got some strengths. You can hang with a more mainstream crowd, by the sound of it, even if that's not what you really want. That's certainly one good skill to get the things you do want - a job you like, a girlfriend, a social circle more aligned with your values and interests. Def agree that mainstream culture sucks but navigating it is essential to getting what we all want/need.

Is there anyone in your group you get along with better than others or share interests with? Wonder if you could build a closer friendship with someone from yhe group while backing off from the group as a whole. Or do you think you could get the group into movies or things that you like?

Nice to hear you've got change coming with school in May. My best advice would be to focus up on getting ready to take the most advantage possible of this change. Work on developing yourself in ways to meet your goals. Honestly, things like focusing on fitness (not sure what your activity level is now but this is always an area to grow and a good interest to develop and share with others), eating better, maybe try to quit smoking, and working on outward social skills and "inner game", things like taking control of your focus and motivation.

And maybe get into some new (budget friendly) interests that you could share with new people that you meet, a social component. Like hiking, running, bike riding, cross fit, board games (if there's a group around), local comedy/music, volunteering. Or, what are you interested in these days? Maybe leverage this into something you could do socially. Some prep goes a long way, in that when you meet new people at school or a girl that you take an interest in, you can have a go-to thing to invite them to or talk about.

Not to trivialize any of this, it's super hard to make changes, especially when things are stressful and you're an autie/aspie in an NT world. But it sounds like you have some time and bandwidth now before school to work on self improvement and social skills. And it's not an all or nothing deal, you can miss your goals and still make positive changes. Got to challenge yourself constantly when you have the bandwidth. And from experience here, the more you make self improvement a priority in life, the better you can find and get along with other people doing the same. And folks who work on this stuff are usually (not always haha but usually) much more interesting than people who watch marvel movies at every get together and being straight up a-holes to those in their group showing any signs of intelligence or not fitting into their ugly and narrow definition of culture (years of personal experience with such a group myself, so glad to be out).

You can take control of your own life and identify and focus on positive changes. Usually we're the ones most in the way of ourselves, but what better time to focus up on this than now, before a big life change? Screw those friends, you can (and will) do better.


This is great advice. :D



justRob
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

Joined: 21 Nov 2017
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 46
Location: CT

10 Feb 2018, 9:57 am

Yay, glad you found it helpful! Your story resonated with places I've been myself.