Help. Ruined my relationship?

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honeymiel
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04 Mar 2018, 1:30 am

Yes, it's me again.

Dating NT guy for 3 mths, we have some really good moments but I've been having doubts

I tried to cancel our plans the other night due to being burnt out socially, but he was upset so I invited him over anyway. He very kindly brought me some stuff he knows I like :heart:
But later we fought over a miscommunication. His reaction seemed out of proportion to what I'd said, he was so angry he nearly left in the middle of the night. My feeling was that he has sensed my uncertainty recently and was overwhelmed by the relationship and my recent disclosure of ASD

Next day he decided to skip work and spent the entire day with me. It was good except just before he had to leave, something he said reminded me of doubts so I went quiet. When he asked me to explain, I made things worse

After he left, I texted to come clean: I'd been having doubts and obviously making things difficult unintentionally. He communicated he was thinking of walking away in that moment but was too upset to decide, had been making an effort (which I can tell) and felt it wasn't working. We agreed to talk in a few days time

I feel terrible. I know I've been difficult lately. I can't help that I have been unsure and need time to think/process my feelings. I get anxious in my relationships sometimes and I need a lot of space to work through it, I never make my mind up early on
Also he is VERY extroverted and ambitious, and I have a disability with limitations (work/uni/socialising) and sensory issues. I think he'd be happier with a partner who wants to socialise/travel a lot and can work full-time...not a reserved, unemployed uni student who struggles with emotional reciprocity

What should I do here to make things right? Should I fight for the relationship, or let him go and find someone more like him?

It's cutting me up so bad because I do actually care for him but I think he wants/deserves things that I can't give him, hence my doubts and (obviously unsettling) behaviours



kraftiekortie
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04 Mar 2018, 3:28 am

I think you frustrate him—yet, he really likes you.

One solution lies in seeking to listen to his concerns more.

And....you being confident that he has a reason to skip work to be with you.

How knowledgeable is he about autism? And your relationship to it?

Specifically, what makes him angry and want to walk out at these moments?



The_Face_of_Boo
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04 Mar 2018, 3:44 am

Your input is full of missing details... like what did you say and what did he say, if you are gonna tell us then tell us the whole stoy or nothing.



honeymiel
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04 Mar 2018, 3:46 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
I think you frustrate him—yet, he really likes you.

One solution lies in seeking to listen to his concerns more.

And....you being confident that he has a reason to skip work to be with you.

How knowledgeable is he about autism? And your relationship to it?

Specifically, what makes him angry and want to walk out at these moments?


I've tried to listen to his concerns but per my last thread, much of them have been to do with facial expressions/body language/behaviours that I can't really change, can only try and correct once I'm made aware of them. The other concern he has is meeting his friends, and he's asked so many times that I feel the pressure is too great at the moment.

Currently his knowledge about autism is virtually nil compared to mine. He had a LOT of misconceptions when I met him. But I can tell he's been reading up about it because he's started pointing out and accommodating my sensory issues. I do appreciate that about him

This is the first time he's gotten angry with me and we've had a fight, and I still can't figure it out (will reply to Face of Boo below)



honeymiel
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04 Mar 2018, 4:01 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Your input is full of missing details... like what did you say and what did he say, if you are gonna tell us then tell us the whole stoy or nothing.


I didn't want to go into too much detail because I didn't think people would want to read it.

The argument was about something he wrote on Facebook. I giggled about something I saw on my timeline and he asked why I was laughing, I said sometimes he posts ridiculous stuff (which is true, and some of it is ironic/sarcastic/funny).

He then brought up an argument he got into a few days prior and I told him yes, I'd seen that. He likes to argue on social media and I personally find it silly (but I didn't say that). Anyway, he's explaining what he felt happened (was attacked by people for a comment he made on a public post) and I said "Well, to be fair, it could be considered insensitive because -"
Then he blew up. He got so angry he got up off the bed and started saying "You don't understand" and "I can't believe they got to you too" because he said there were applications running in the background and moderators with fake accounts who were attacking people as soon as they expressed disagreement.

So I went quiet for about 15 mins and so did he. Afterwards, I said calmly, "Don't raise your voice at me like that" (I really hate conflict and he knows it). I tried to explain what I said was taken out of context and only specifically relating to one comment he posted, not the overall argument he had, and he maintained that I didn't understand and was getting very upset. I said "Why do you waste your time arguing with idiots if it makes you so angry?" and he said they weren't idiots, they were moderators and he felt it was unjust. He wouldn't hear a word of what I was saying

So eventually I got in my own angry state - very rare for me, I'm pretty zen-like, but when I do get angry I am a force to be reckoned with. I said to him "This needs to stop, I will NOT argue with people"
He asked if I wanted him to leave, I said no. He said he was going to sleep and I said I can't sleep with conflict like this. So he got up and started collecting his stuff, I told him if he wants to walk out then don't come back because I'm not doing this (like I can't stress enough how much I hate conflict)

After that he calmed down and we talked things through, eventually fell asleep and everything was fine.

I still don't understand what was going on, I can't tell if he was THAT upset because I'd initially laughed at him (maybe he felt disrespected?) or because he was overall unsettled by that point. Or he just really likes to argue. One of the things I realised I had to do while we were talking was to agree with him and repeat back his concerns, that seemed to calm him down, so I figured he wanted to feel "heard" and validated.
I'm not sure if that's an overall relationship issue or a him issue. As I said, I am still extremely confused about it

Is that enough information? If you can tell me what happened, I would appreciate the insight



honeymiel
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04 Mar 2018, 4:37 pm

I asked him at the start of the relationship, when I noticed him getting mad at another driver and turning classical music on the car radio, if he has anger issues. He said no

The morning after that argument, he did the same thing and I can't remember if I asked or if he admitted that he has a temper at that point. I think he lied to me at the start



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04 Mar 2018, 5:41 pm

He likely just wants your support. He wants the person he cares about to have his back. Even though your criticism might be constructive and helpful, you were the last person he wanted to criticize him, when he was looking for you to ease his mind about his own conflict and perceived unjustified mistreatment. Hope you can work things out, best of luck.


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kraftiekortie
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04 Mar 2018, 6:46 pm

I’m worried frankly, that’s he has anger issues.

He’s arguing with strangers on the Internet, and becoming so angry that he can’t be reasoned with.

How angry could he get if he argues with real people in his life?

It bothers me, because I really believe that people should seek to listen to reason, rather than fly off the handle over sometimes miniscule things.

And don’t let him yell or curse at you—ever!

I’m glad you laid down the law that time. Give an inch, and he might take a mile.



honeymiel
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04 Mar 2018, 10:38 pm

blackicmenace wrote:
He likely just wants your support. He wants the person he cares about to have his back. Even though your criticism might be constructive and helpful, you were the last person he wanted to criticize him, when he was looking for you to ease his mind about his own conflict and perceived unjustified mistreatment. Hope you can work things out, best of luck.


Thank you. I am usually pretty careful with people to phrase things gently, but I think he felt invalidated even though I told him I agreed with his overall premise (he still wanted to argue after I said that)

There might be something else going on here that is causing heightened emotions. Like judgement over my disability or other negative emotions/worries/doubts. Maybe I'm not the only one who's been questioning things



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04 Mar 2018, 10:41 pm

I think I’m more concerned that you’ve been with the guy 3 months.

You’re at the stage when you need to be thinking about just how long you want this thing to last. If you aren’t THAT serious and you don’t want to talk about getting married, it’s time to move on.

I don’t mean he has to propose tomorrow or you have to get married a year from now. I just mean it’s time to start thinking along those lines. If this isn’t the kind of guy you could marry, end it. And see how he feels, too. And if there’s no future, there’s no point in wasting time.

I would also, if you think you might like getting married to this guy and making it a lifelong gig, see how things are holding up in 9 months. If he can’t get serious enough to ask you to marry him, move on.

If he does, give engagement a good year and get the tough talks out of the way. Start-to-finish you could have it all in 2 years.

I understand that talking marriage might be seem out of the blue given your topic, but it isn’t. You’ve been together three months. You are comfortable together by now. You are seeing sides of each other you’d have carefully guarded just weeks ago. Is this something you feel can work long term? Because it’s not going to change. Get worse, if anything. So you have to decide if this is someone you love enough to accept these faults and live with forever.

I partially speak out of my own regrets. I was once with a girl over 5 years, was miserable most of the time, and dumped her weeks before the wedding. It shouldn’t have even lasted more than a few months, and I think about the love I wasted there. I also dated a girl off/on for 6 years and only proposed after she gave me an ultimatum.

If this behavior is acceptable for you in a relationship, keep at it and hope that maturity will ease things a bit as you get older together. If not, now is the best time to pull the plug.



honeymiel
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04 Mar 2018, 10:47 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
I’m worried frankly, that’s he has anger issues.

He’s arguing with strangers on the Internet, and becoming so angry that he can’t be reasoned with.

How angry could he get if he argues with real people in his life?

It bothers me, because I really believe that people should seek to listen to reason, rather than fly off the handle over sometimes miniscule things.

And don’t let him yell or curse at you—ever!

I’m glad you laid down the law that time. Give an inch, and he might take a mile.


I think I have to stop blaming myself for this argument and acknowledge that this might be anger issues on his part. There are signs that this could be the case and I've historically been far too accepting of potential red flags in partners

Most of the things he discusses on social media are real world/social issues, and for the most part I agree with or respect his views on things. Usually just challenging people rather than being argumentative, so this was a more unique situation. He is mostly a very thoughtful human being. But I have to wonder why he lets social media affect him so much

I used to have anger issues when I was younger (particularly horrendous meltdowns) but I have learned to self-regulate as I got older. I think anger is just pain in disguise ... though that doesn't make it okay



886
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04 Mar 2018, 10:53 pm

you didn't ruin it, you two have different needs. you need a lot of space and he needs a lot of attention, and he misconstrues your need for space as disinterest in him and it isn't. that's a pretty tough one to deal with.


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honeymiel
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04 Mar 2018, 11:03 pm

AngelRho wrote:
I think I’m more concerned that you’ve been with the guy 3 months.

You’re at the stage when you need to be thinking about just how long you want this thing to last. If you aren’t THAT serious and you don’t want to talk about getting married, it’s time to move on.

I don’t mean he has to propose tomorrow or you have to get married a year from now. I just mean it’s time to start thinking along those lines. If this isn’t the kind of guy you could marry, end it. And see how he feels, too. And if there’s no future, there’s no point in wasting time.

I would also, if you think you might like getting married to this guy and making it a lifelong gig, see how things are holding up in 9 months. If he can’t get serious enough to ask you to marry him, move on.

If he does, give engagement a good year and get the tough talks out of the way. Start-to-finish you could have it all in 2 years.

I understand that talking marriage might be seem out of the blue given your topic, but it isn’t. You’ve been together three months. You are comfortable together by now. You are seeing sides of each other you’d have carefully guarded just weeks ago. Is this something you feel can work long term? Because it’s not going to change. Get worse, if anything. So you have to decide if this is someone you love enough to accept these faults and live with forever.

I partially speak out of my own regrets. I was once with a girl over 5 years, was miserable most of the time, and dumped her weeks before the wedding. It shouldn’t have even lasted more than a few months, and I think about the love I wasted there. I also dated a girl off/on for 6 years and only proposed after she gave me an ultimatum.

If this behavior is acceptable for you in a relationship, keep at it and hope that maturity will ease things a bit as you get older together. If not, now is the best time to pull the plug.


Thank you. I realise that now is the time to consider compatibility and be willing to walk away

I am not ready to address the topic of marriage, in all honesty. This may be unfair to him, but I am not sure if I can see myself ever getting married or having children (and I said this to him early on). I am still figuring out what I can and can't do as an independent adult

It takes me a very long time to feel comfortable enough to even explore those possibilities with someone (like a minimum 1-2 years together). I find I need gradual exposure in order to feel comfortable with someone. If we moved in together in the next year I would not cope, I'd crash and burn. I won't know until further into the relationship what steps I can handle and when, and obviously that will depend on how things progress

So for now all I can focus on is the behaviours. Some things are great and some things I am not sure. I don't think relationships are static, though. I think they involve growing together and being willing to adapt behaviours to benefit your relationship



honeymiel
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04 Mar 2018, 11:11 pm

886 wrote:
you didn't ruin it, you two have different needs. you need a lot of space and he needs a lot of attention, and he misconstrues your need for space as disinterest in him and it isn't. that's a pretty tough one to deal with.


That sounds pretty accurate.

I would be able to increase contact gradually, but at times (like this week) I just need to be alone and at peace



kraftiekortie
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05 Mar 2018, 12:53 am

If he’s a “thoughtful human being,” he, like you, can learn to “self-regulate,”

I absolutely agree that anger is a sort of a “replacement” for pain. It is also a “replacement” for depression at times.

It would be nice if you two can grow together, even if your relationship doesn’t end in marriage.

But do watch for more red flags....like possessiveness, for example.



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05 Mar 2018, 5:18 am

While you certainly may have your shortcomings in a relationship and it not unreasonable for someone to feel upset when they feel they are not being supported in something, I agree with Kortie that it sounds like he has anger issues. I have to wonder if he also has some type of paranoid psychosis, based on your testimonial that he thought your perception of his online argument was not due to your own interpretation of it but that his adversaries had somehow brainwashed you.

Personally I don't care to socialize with people with bad tempers.