Help. Ruined my relationship?

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Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 38
Gender: Male
Posts: 30,295
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.

05 Mar 2018, 6:52 am

I think it was the laugh that got him.

He felt that you were 'siding with them' - i dunno what's the topic about but it sounds like a conspiracy theory to me.


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Joined: 4 Jan 2008
Age: 42
Gender: Male
Posts: 8,173
Location: The Landmass between N.O. and Mobile

05 Mar 2018, 6:54 am

honeymiel wrote:
AngelRho wrote:
I think I’m more concerned that you’ve been with the guy 3 months.

You’re at the stage when you need to be thinking about just how long you want this thing to last. If you aren’t THAT serious and you don’t want to talk about getting married, it’s time to move on.

I don’t mean he has to propose tomorrow or you have to get married a year from now. I just mean it’s time to start thinking along those lines. If this isn’t the kind of guy you could marry, end it. And see how he feels, too. And if there’s no future, there’s no point in wasting time.

I would also, if you think you might like getting married to this guy and making it a lifelong gig, see how things are holding up in 9 months. If he can’t get serious enough to ask you to marry him, move on.

If he does, give engagement a good year and get the tough talks out of the way. Start-to-finish you could have it all in 2 years.

I understand that talking marriage might be seem out of the blue given your topic, but it isn’t. You’ve been together three months. You are comfortable together by now. You are seeing sides of each other you’d have carefully guarded just weeks ago. Is this something you feel can work long term? Because it’s not going to change. Get worse, if anything. So you have to decide if this is someone you love enough to accept these faults and live with forever.

I partially speak out of my own regrets. I was once with a girl over 5 years, was miserable most of the time, and dumped her weeks before the wedding. It shouldn’t have even lasted more than a few months, and I think about the love I wasted there. I also dated a girl off/on for 6 years and only proposed after she gave me an ultimatum.

If this behavior is acceptable for you in a relationship, keep at it and hope that maturity will ease things a bit as you get older together. If not, now is the best time to pull the plug.

Thank you. I realise that now is the time to consider compatibility and be willing to walk away

I am not ready to address the topic of marriage, in all honesty. This may be unfair to him, but I am not sure if I can see myself ever getting married or having children (and I said this to him early on). I am still figuring out what I can and can't do as an independent adult

It takes me a very long time to feel comfortable enough to even explore those possibilities with someone (like a minimum 1-2 years together). I find I need gradual exposure in order to feel comfortable with someone. If we moved in together in the next year I would not cope, I'd crash and burn. I won't know until further into the relationship what steps I can handle and when, and obviously that will depend on how things progress

So for now all I can focus on is the behaviours. Some things are great and some things I am not sure. I don't think relationships are static, though. I think they involve growing together and being willing to adapt behaviours to benefit your relationship

Western society discourages early marriage and family.

Society can suck it. lol

But I get it. You have your freedom and want to enjoy that for a while, so marriage stays off the table for now IF it’s ever going to be an option. And you don’t consider yourself the marrying type. Understandable.

Moving in compromises your freedom, too, though. It’s essentially marriage without all the legal protections. If you need to run, you can run and no need to call your lawyer first. But I think it’s riskier in the long run. Your life, your business, of course. It’s just things like that worry me, and I hate seeing people getting needlessly hurt.

Yeah, I think you see the compatibility issues. And everyone else has made some excellent points. If by this point you’re seeing some things you might not want to deal with, a breakup might be best. It’s ok if you feel you need a year to really become that comfortable with someone to start talking heavy stuff. I’m just saying after 3 months and you’re starting to think this person isn’t someone you think you could or would ever want to have those kinds of talks with, now could be a good time to re-evaluate and reconsider whether continuing on is a good idea.