I am tired of my boyfriend acting selfish.

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Everything has to always be catered to him and his comfort levels. He refuses to do anything at all that would make him even slightly uncomfortable.

He only compromises and does things for me, only if he feels comfortable with it, or if he likes doing it.

Shouldn't a relationship be about doing things for each other and making the other person happy? Even if you sometimes have to do things that you don't like, or that make you uncomfortable.

I am usually always open-minded and enthusiastic about doing activities and things that he likes and enjoys, even if I don't. But, he is not this way.

He is cold towards my animals, he won't ever go hiking or out in nature with me. In fact, the only places that he will even ever go to, is school, the gym, and the grocery store. And teriyaki. And occasionally takes me out to a restaurant if I ask for it. Other than that, he always wants to be at home. So I usually just go and do things by myself if they don't involve one of the few places that he accepts going to.

He refuses to try new things in the bedroom if it doesn't interest him or turn him on. Not even because it will turn me on.

He won't work on the relationship even though he says that he will, and even if he seems like he wants to. It's like he forgets.

I just feel that everything is onesided, and I am just getting really tired of it.

I know that he has sensory issues and that certain things are too much for him. But the way he acts sometimes doesn't make me feel very loved, protected or supported.

The other day I was exhausted from doing school finals, and not getting good sleep. And I still had more errands to do. I just didn't feel like driving, and he wasn't even doing anything except relaxing and being on his electronics. Yet he refused to drive me somewhere. It wasn't even that far, and he didn't even need to get out of the car for it.

Also, I am the one who does the majority of the housework. He only does the things that he likes, and that doesn't make him feel uncomfortable. He does cook, but only because he enjoys doing it.

The only thing he really cleans is the dishes. He loves to wash dishes. He takes out the garbage too, but only at the most efficient time for him. Such as when he is going to drive somewhere because the dumpster is on the way to his car. If he isn't driving anywhere the garbage will pile up for days, only to be taken out when it is convenient for him. It's like he is so lazy to even move an inch or lift a finger. Not even if it will make his girlfriend happy.

I might add, that he says that he doesn't make any messes in the home and that it is all me. And that is why he won't clean anything. Yes, it is kind of true. I am a little messier than him, but also busier. He is not in school this quarter so he has a lot more time to do things. If it was the other way around I wouldn't mind at all picking up after him if it would make his life easier. He also never once cleaned the bathroom even though he uses it too.

Is this normal for Aspies? Or is he selfish, or doesn't care? Or what?

I feel like I do a lot to accommodate him. He has particular ways and orders that he likes to do things that I don't care for, but I do it anyways. He doesn't like surprises or sudden changes in our days, so I respect that. Things that I don't even understand why it bothers him so much, I try to be patient with. Despite his rants and lectures that he gives me, which I find annoying and petty. I try to understand.

I have researched about Aspergers but maybe I still need to learn more. It wasn't too long ago that we found out that he had it. I used to get really upset at the way he talks sometimes. He never yells or anything like that, but he says rude things. And in a cold way. Which I know now that is an Aspie trait, and he is not trying to be mean, just blunt and direct. And I now understand his style of empathy more. He also listens more when I tell him that he is saying mean things because now he believes that it is true. He used to think it was me being too sensitive.

We do have a great relationship aside from this, and we have fun and love spending time together. But I feel like there is an emotional closeness that we are lacking. Sometimes I feel like we are just buddies. He is always online which would be fine if only there was still time made for romantic intimacy. I am not even necessarily talking about sex. But like relationship closeness intimacy type stuff. It's hard to explain.

Is there any advice that you could all give me? He is an amazing person and I love him very much. I love his creativity, his quirks, his personality and his heart. He is very affectionate and sweet. He is calm and doesn't put me down. He compliments me and does things for me that he he is comfortable with. He is always trying to help others in his online communities that he created, and that we are both a part of. But I wish that he would put more effort into this relationship.

I never nag, and I am not bossy. I do have a habit of holding everything in until I explode, and he hates that. Even though it doesn't happen a lot. As long as I am my nice, happy self, everything is fine. But when I have an emotional meltdown that is when I need him the most. And that's when he freaks out and will leave the room which is very hurtful.

He is a really good person and an amazing boyfriend. He just has strange behavior and reactions to things. He is really weird which I love, but there are aspects that I hate too, because I feel I am not being treated right. And things are unfair.

I am not even sure how to put this all into words. It's hard to explain, and I hope that this all made sense.

Thank you for reading my long post!

This sounds like Aspie behavior to me. Aspies like routine and order. They also need to be told directly when something isn't right (well, I guess normal guys do as well). They also care in different ways as well. For example, instead of giving you a hug when you really need it, they might go and fix your computer for you, or something like that.

So I guess some of it can be labeled as being selfish, but I think it's mostly a lack of understanding, and the inability to recognize someone else's needs. Many Aspies aren't born with the good social skills that come naturally to most people, they have learn them.

Hi Arcana, I've been married to a AS man for nearly 18 years, my husband was the same, (in fact you wrote my husband down to a tee) still came be at times. It is a long hard road to get them to at least learn something.

I create a timetable of chores in the early days, from what I expected of him. He does need to get out of his comfort zone a little, but in reality not much will change.

It is best to work in small chunks with him, when he managed one job, this could takes weeks, I would add another job, sometimes he would default on one job when he learnt a new one.

Sorry to say, I felt like he was a child, try not get into a state where you become the mother though.

Always praise him when he does a job and never criticise, otherwise he won't do it. He will eventually do these jobs out of love.

My husband only likes cats, they don't give eye contact and are independent. As for going out hiking, I am a hiker and in the beginning, I used to leave him at home, one day out of the blue, I said let's take a drive in the country and he obliged, slowly but surely we took little walks and eventually he wanted to climb hills and now loves hiking.

As you may gather by now, AS men need a lot of prompting, if can you put the hardwork in, you will get a rewarding relationship but just different. It is like speaking another language.

I can only guess that it is hard for you, while you are studying, whereas we were starting a family, I had time to adjust.

You can pm me if you like, I know you are young, but I belong to a facebook page of NT/AS relationships, it could help.

Good point, it is up to the lady to decide, just letting her know, what could be in store for her. My son is autistic, I only found out my husband had AS by reading books ten years ago.

It is weighing up the pros and cons. If you love someone, it can be very difficult to break up with them. On the other hand it is good to know, how much effort you have to put into these relationships only the person can tell, if they want to continue these kind of relationships.

Everyone has stuff you won’t lie and won’t meet all your emotional needs.
So she has to decide if the good stuff is enough to deal with the rest.

I go do things I don’t like. That are out of my comfort zone. It’s not the most fun but I do it cause it’s expected of me. I’d certainly make an effort to do such things for a gf.

Aspie men put in a lot of effort too it’s just not noticed.