Does no one want to make friends anymore?

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Marknis
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27 Mar 2018, 3:48 pm

It feels like most people around me already have a steady circle of friends and aren't interested in adding to them. This worries me because I didn't have many friends in my developmental years and I graduated without any lasting connections. I couldn't make new friends in college and my attempts for the last few years have been unproductive. Do people just don't want to make new friends anymore?



kraftiekortie
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28 Mar 2018, 8:47 am

I graduated without any lasting connections, too.

I believe most people make friends with people who satisfy one need or another.

Playing lotteries seems to bring people together. Or a desire for a person to help someone move. Or common interests in general.

Going to Austin would assist you in the “common interest” department.

How are the people at the library?



Fireblossom
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28 Mar 2018, 8:48 am

I think that your problem here is that you assume the people around you are or at some point have been trying to make friends like you do, while in reality most people never really think about making friends, it just happens to them naturally, doesn't it? That's why it might seem to you that while you're actively (I assume) trying to make friends, others aren't trying at all and so you think that they aren't interested. However, it might be that they're trying to make friends with you and with other people, but they do it in subtle, natural ways that you don't even notice.

Of course, not everyone is like that, some might really not be interested in making more friends or just not interested in making friends with you, but when you meet a new person and can't see clear signs that he/she/they want to be your friend it's better to assume that you just can't see their subtle way of trying to make you their friend (unless they clearly tell you to get lost; in that situation it's better to listen unless you want a beating) instead of assuming that they hate you. Somehow I have a feeling that you tend to do the later... am I right?



AngryAngryAngry
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29 Mar 2018, 9:11 am

Marknis wrote:
It feels like most people around me already have a steady circle of friends and aren't interested in adding to them. This worries me because I didn't have many friends in my developmental years and I graduated without any lasting connections.

This can happen to many people (NT's) and it distresses them too.

kraftiekortie wrote:
I believe most people make friends with people who satisfy one need or another.

This is true. Often people want someone that is fun: someone that has a laugh with them, or shares some amazing (often stupid) stories. Or interesting person that has facinating knowledge to share.
All of these things are difficult for me, I've no interest in being rather stupid, and have not done too many stupid things, and have no other interesting stories, the knowledge I have is very technical.

Fireblossom wrote:
I think that your problem here is that you assume the people around you are or at some point have been trying to make friends like you do, while in reality most people never really think about making friends, it just happens to them naturally, doesn't it? That's why it might seem to you that while you're actively (I assume) trying to make friends, others aren't trying at all and so you think that they aren't interested. However, it might be that they're trying to make friends with you and with other people, but they do it in subtle, natural ways that you don't even notice.

Of course, not everyone is like that, some might really not be interested in making more friends or just not interested in making friends with you, but when you meet a new person and can't see clear signs that he/she/they want to be your friend it's better to assume that you just can't see their subtle way of trying to make you their friend (unless they clearly tell you to get lost; in that situation it's better to listen unless you want a beating) instead of assuming that they hate you. Somehow I have a feeling that you tend to do the later... am I right?


True. NT's are usually very subtle in their pursuit of friendship. Often a starting point is good conversation or funny gossip. If you move too fast it will repell them. I played the Sims 1 and failed because of this reason (ended up thinking this game was retarded, it is because of time management systems) not sure if later versions are the same, but you could try them it may help your social skills. Often I just go for an indifferent uninterested attitude it makes others think I'm NT (naturally I'm overly friendly).
When you do find someone that is hyper friendly they are often romatically interested in you, or a sociopath. I've had many problems with thinking that gay(not obviously gay) men are just being friendly!



Summer_Twilight
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29 Mar 2018, 2:12 pm

Hi:
I know what it's to feel that way but I have learned to get along with acquaintances who I get along with. Anyway, here might be some other tips that could show you how to interact.

https://www.aspergerexperts.com/

I have learned that if you have a closed posture, people tend to think you are closed to them. Remember human language is all about body language. If you set in a chair, point your toes and have your palms pointing up, it means you are open for discussion.

Also, Daniel Wendler might have some tips at impove your social skills.com

Otherwise, if they don't want you in their group, that's their loss, not yours. Again, there is something wrong with them for not accepting you.



Marknis
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02 Apr 2018, 12:10 pm

Fireblossom wrote:
I think that your problem here is that you assume the people around you are or at some point have been trying to make friends like you do, while in reality most people never really think about making friends, it just happens to them naturally, doesn't it? That's why it might seem to you that while you're actively (I assume) trying to make friends, others aren't trying at all and so you think that they aren't interested. However, it might be that they're trying to make friends with you and with other people, but they do it in subtle, natural ways that you don't even notice.

Of course, not everyone is like that, some might really not be interested in making more friends or just not interested in making friends with you, but when you meet a new person and can't see clear signs that he/she/they want to be your friend it's better to assume that you just can't see their subtle way of trying to make you their friend (unless they clearly tell you to get lost; in that situation it's better to listen unless you want a beating) instead of assuming that they hate you. Somehow I have a feeling that you tend to do the later... am I right?


I do sometimes worry I may have overlooked social ques from someone who was trying to make friends with me or maybe even showing romantic interest in me.

I will admit that, especially if they talk in a certain tone to me. I also got punched in both eyes by a kid at a water park just because I was talking to him.

Summer_Twilight wrote:
Hi:
I know what it's to feel that way but I have learned to get along with acquaintances who I get along with. Anyway, here might be some other tips that could show you how to interact.

https://www.aspergerexperts.com/

I have learned that if you have a closed posture, people tend to think you are closed to them. Remember human language is all about body language. If you set in a chair, point your toes and have your palms pointing up, it means you are open for discussion.

Also, Daniel Wendler might have some tips at impove your social skills.com

Otherwise, if they don't want you in their group, that's their loss, not yours. Again, there is something wrong with them for not accepting you.


My posture tends to be slumped when I sit or walk. Is that the same as a closed posture?



Marknis
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02 Apr 2018, 7:10 pm

Well, I just came across someone I know from a meet up group I am a part of while I was taking a walk at the park. I didn't realize it was her until she got up close (She was walking the opposite side of me and walking her dog) but neither of us said "Hi". I wonder if maybe she saw how I once sent her a "swipe" on a dating app and if she feels awkward seeing me. I wasn't expecting to see her so I was caught by surprise. This is generally how my life goes when I am out in the world.



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03 Apr 2018, 5:41 am

Marknis wrote:
Well, I just came across someone I know from a meet up group I am a part of while I was taking a walk at the park. I didn't realize it was her until she got up close (She was walking the opposite side of me and walking her dog) but neither of us said "Hi". I wonder if maybe she saw how I once sent her a "swipe" on a dating app and if she feels awkward seeing me. I wasn't expecting to see her so I was caught by surprise. This is generally how my life goes when I am out in the world.


But it's possible that she didn't realize who you were either, right?



The_Face_of_Boo
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03 Apr 2018, 7:20 am

Quote:
It feels like most people around me already have a steady circle of friends and aren't interested in adding to them.


It's not just a feeling, this is true.



Summer_Twilight
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03 Apr 2018, 9:20 am

[Quote]My posture tends to be slumped when I sit or walk. Is that the same as a closed posture?[Quote]

Yes, hunched over shows that you are in a position that makes you look like you are uncomfortable being in a situation. If you sit up straight, open up your legs and have your palms open, it means they are open for discussion.

I also know that you said that you have social anxiety- this is Daniel Wendler:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zpVPHo-7T2A

He also has Asperger's Syndrome and has his own life

http://www.improveyoursocialskills.com/ ... ial-skills

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC0T4D3 ... cx-NchTsoA

I also hope you check out the "Asperger Experts" and maybe get your mom to listen.



hale_bopp
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04 Apr 2018, 2:56 pm

People have gotten socially “lazy” with integration of technology into society, which is a shame.

Butting into groups of friends that are already established is really hard.

The best bet is at a place where noone knows each other.

Always harder for the aspie, though.



Marknis
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10 Apr 2018, 11:36 am

Fireblossom wrote:
Marknis wrote:
Well, I just came across someone I know from a meet up group I am a part of while I was taking a walk at the park. I didn't realize it was her until she got up close (She was walking the opposite side of me and walking her dog) but neither of us said "Hi". I wonder if maybe she saw how I once sent her a "swipe" on a dating app and if she feels awkward seeing me. I wasn't expecting to see her so I was caught by surprise. This is generally how my life goes when I am out in the world.


But it's possible that she didn't realize who you were either, right?


I suppose so. My mind tends to assume the worst. I hope a different kind of medication can help with that; I would've been on one two weeks ago if my doctor's assistant didn't screw up by thinking my medical insurance wasn't being taken anymore.



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10 Apr 2018, 4:38 pm

I know how you feel. When I graduated from HS, not a single solitary graduate from the Hidden Valley High School - located in Roanoke, Virginia graduating Class of '08 didn't want nothing to do with me - neither male nor female fellow classmen wanted to hang out with me, no girls wanted to date me, and neither guy or gal, from my graduating, wanted to accept the mere fact that I had Autism or other disorders.


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Marknis
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10 Apr 2018, 5:53 pm

Summer_Twilight wrote:
Quote:
My posture tends to be slumped when I sit or walk. Is that the same as a closed posture?
Quote:

Yes, hunched over shows that you are in a position that makes you look like you are uncomfortable being in a situation. If you sit up straight, open up your legs and have your palms open, it means they are open for discussion.

I also know that you said that you have social anxiety- this is Daniel Wendler:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zpVPHo-7T2A

He also has Asperger's Syndrome and has his own life

http://www.improveyoursocialskills.com/ ... ial-skills

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC0T4D3 ... cx-NchTsoA

I also hope you check out the "Asperger Experts" and maybe get your mom to listen.


Anxiety has certainly been a major stumbling block for me. When it happens, my forehead feels really hot and my sinuses ache.

Daniel's breathing technique I find helpful although my therapist taught me similar ones but it is a good reminder.

I've read some of the articles on the site.

hvtitan08 wrote:
I know how you feel. When I graduated from HS, not a single solitary graduate from the Hidden Valley High School - located in Roanoke, Virginia graduating Class of '08 didn't want nothing to do with me - neither male nor female fellow classmen wanted to hang out with me, no girls wanted to date me, and neither guy or gal, from my graduating, wanted to accept the mere fact that I had Autism or other disorders.


I actually once tried to explain Aspergers to some of my bullies and they called it "Hamburger Syndrome". :roll: I have no idea why I even bothered.

Looking back, I actually didn't feel lonely too often. Sure, I would feel envious when my older brother threw parties and I couldn't join in but I was mainly in my own bubble. I think I thought things would come together when my "time" (I don't ever say that anymore) came and people also told me God had a "plan" for me but when life kept passing me by and things weren't going how I wanted them to go, I realized how lonely I was.



Elenna488
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19 Apr 2018, 9:35 am

I also have the same problem being recently diagnosed I don't really have any friends and find it hard to connect with people. I would say try to find a class in something your interested in you might not find friends but it might satisfy your urge to socialize with people u have stuff in common with.



SummerAndSmoke
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19 Apr 2018, 11:29 am

I know all about this. I find it extremely hard to make friends because it feels like almost everyone I interact with is on a kind of autopilot. I can work on my people skills until the cows come home, but it doesn't really matter if they aren't open. At the same time, it seems as though other people are able to somehow find openings..... like they can figure out a way to get past the autopilot.