HELP How to reassure someone about your condition

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Today my girlfriend has told me of all her concerns about having an AS as partner. She got scared after having read stories of women that had to cope with a partner with asperger's on a forum, all of those women wrote of how hard is their life and all the bad things they've been through because of their partners' condition. She said she's worried for herself and for our future. She told me that if I will ever become like those men I should leave her. This hurt me a lot because it made me feel like a potential monster. Of course I would never hurt her on purpose even though it's well known that we Aspies often hurt people without noticing it. I love her and I wish I could assure her that I won't hurt her and that she won't end up writing on a forum about how much she's exhausted from my condition like those women. What should I do with her? What should I say to make her less worried? Have you been in similar situations? I don't want to leave her because she's the person I love the most in this world, but at the same time I don't want to hurt her. Any suggestions are welcome.

I've never had a girlfriend, so I'm certainly not an expert on this.

However, I think the main cause of this type of difficulty is that we tend to try very hard to pass as NT when we're around other people. But we really can't do this 100% of the time for years on end: eventually, we have to be ourselves.

So, the obvious solution is to be yourself around her. Don't try to be someone you're not, because it's not something you will be able to sustain.

If you're being yourself and she still likes you, I'd say the future looks bright.

She needs to gain empathy for you, understand your condition, rather than empathize with other women who has had relationships with people with your condition. They likely have misunderstood their partners anyways.

I have an aspie girlfriend, and I love her very much. I do not want to leave her because she is the person I love the most in this world, but at the same time I do not want to hurt her. I know that in her hours of stress, I I end up stressing along, But I do not care, because I love her so much

the most appropriate if she least try to better understand your condition and be a more understanding partner, because understanding is everything in a relationship.

How about she reassure you about her condition that she won't be a shallow narcissist? Perhaps she should go back and date the turdbags on POF or Tinder for awhile.

Sounds as if she stumbled onto the AsPartners website. I agree it's pretty hurtful to be seen as a potential monster. My ex-wife did something similar, I can't remember the details now, I think she figured I'd given her Cassandra's syndrome because she'd read a bit of intense venting about an "ASH" by a neurotypical lady whose relationship wasn't doing very well. I was stuck in a double-bind, because every effort I made to argue my case was seen as invalidating her feelings. As far as I can tell, the truth of the matter was simply that our values turned out to be way too different for the pain of the relationship to be worth the pleasure.

In your case I think I'd try asking her what exactly she thinks you're likely to do that she's so scared of. Read the details in the horror stories that have scared her and see what you make of them. I'd also ask why, if your behaviour has been OK until now, she expects it to go that way. It's not widely thought that ASD gets worse over time, but maybe she's expecting the relationship to demand more social skills in the future.....I think that can happen, relationships are often very easy for a while, and get more difficult later. But that danger isn't limited to AS-NT relationships, it's pretty universal. If two people are genuinely on each other's side and are willing to work through problems, it's possible to keep things good.

Most of what I've seen on those websites has been pretty irrational, and (their) anecdotal evidence isn't hard evidence, though lay people often find it surprisingly convincing. Sometimes it's important to let people vent, but when I see a website that does nothing else, in public too, I smell a rat. The idea of healthy venting is, I think, to relieve pressure, not to reinforce and perpetuate bigotry. There was no mention of the NT partners' own shortcomings. It's easy for some people to prop up their own self-esteem by criticising others who don't get the right of reply. It's hard to see what else they might be trying to achieve there. I don't recall seeing any NT men there. I've no idea why that is.