What is the hardest thing for you when it comes to dating?
Mother had the nephews throw marshmallows.
Might steal that one!
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"I will file you under "L" for people I love most. "
Elsapelsa, I'm mostly ducked out of this thread but I did want to pop in and thank you for your kind words earlier - it's nice to see that in a forum with something of a history of unfriendliness to women, Aspie women are still in here supporting one another.
My dating history is long in the past - Mr. Chess and I will be celebrating our 26th anniversary later this year. I had just hoped to share with the OP in the hope that some advice/insight might also be offered to women on the spectrum, since it seems our male counterparts often have the loudest voices in here.
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~MissChess
My dating history is long in the past - Mr. Chess and I will be celebrating our 26th anniversary later this year. I had just hoped to share with the OP in the hope that some advice/insight might also be offered to women on the spectrum, since it seems our male counterparts often have the loudest voices in here.
Wow, that is a real achievement. Congratulations. I will have been married for 15 years this summer. I think I am a much better mother than wife! Thankfully, my husband is an extremely kind and patient soul and we are both introverts so it kind of works out (most of the time!)
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"I will file you under "L" for people I love most. "
First of all to get a date, showing initiative is not something i'm comfortable with.. In that aspect I think i'm lucky i'm a female as most of the time when it comes to dating males still make most of the initiatives.
Then when I actually have a date I find it very difficult to let people come close to me, I've got these big walls around me and it's not easy to let someone get past that. Therefor I rarely make it past 1 or 2 dates with a person, they try to get close to me and it's like an automatic defense system turns on and I just start pushing the person away.
If I manage to get past that even, then comes the touching... I'm really not comfortable with being touched until I'm truly comfortable with that person and actually want to be touched, which rarely happens. So even holding hands or a hug.. a hand on my leg... it's painfully uncomfortable.. (sorry for using (un)comfortable so many times, can't find a better way to put it)
If I can get past all that and make it to the relationship stage... well that just brings a whole other bunch of difficulties with it, but that's off topic.
RetroGamer87
Veteran
Joined: 30 Jul 2013
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 10,969
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Especially during arguments, it can be difficult for me to keep track of what the root problem is.
Coping with & resolving conflict while balancing assertiveness & compromise...
Yeah, no prob!
Yes this! I have such a headache by the time my husband has produced his argument I will give in to whatever. I beg him to start at the end (stating the outcome he is looking for) and then I can ask for more information if I need it. But he says it doesn't work like that.
If he's anything like me, he doesn't know the outcome until he's gotten to the end of it. Going through it all with you could be his way of figuring out what the outcome is.
I have the same problem with girlfriend. Yes, I could go through it all in her head but I want to ask her questions about what she wants from the outcome. If I work it all out on my own it feels unfair to her.
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The days are long, but the years are short
When I am making a decision whether or not to get in the car with a strange man, if only 1 in 1000 men were rapists, it's irrelevant because..
I suggest Brazilian Jiu Jitsu/MMA for self defense. I have to imagine it is statistically very unlikely that out of those 1 in 1000 men who are rapists that many would also have martial arts training. Especially since at least with BJJ there's pretty strict rules for conduct so anyone who's evil and/or psycho isn't going to last long since they'll get kicked out and never allowed back.
I started because fear of physical harm was a huge contributor to social anxiety for me. Couldn't go to the mall or other similar busy places without big anxiety and sometimes panic. I always thought people were glaring/being menacing towards me. I don't suggest ever getting in car with a stranger but if you or anyone else feels constant anxiety I can say as someone who also feels this anxiety that martial arts help a lot. And though of course you always want to de-escalate conflict and avoid fights whenever possible it gives you a chance if you do get attacked and cannot avoid the situation.
If it's a really big source of anxiety it's worth it to start training a couple days a week. As a guy with ASD I view it as inevitable that I'm going to be targeted by people since most people see autism as having a general mental deficiency and therefore an easy target. Plus, since I'm going to go into Computer Science and therefore will end up probably going to somewhere like San Francisco or LA for the jobs it was a no brainer for me. I could potentially earn a good salary there but with the drawback of having to live in huge and unsafe cities.
Doesn't necessarily matter if the woman has technique that can overcome a deficit in strength. Unless they are also trained and at a similar level they will be susceptible to them. Granted it is not that simple if the attacker is also versed in the techniques, this happens to be why I aspire to try competing and diversify my training. In case the attacker is also a martial artist who may know of ways to neutralize techniques.
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My account is often forced to do Captchas so I may be slow to reply or perhaps even unable to reply.
I wonder how that's even physically possible.
Or, you know, be actually married.
You make it sound like talking about the problems men on the spectrum face makes the place actively hostile to women. Apparently, you can't help one sex or gender without hurting the other.
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The red lake has been forgotten. A dust devil stuns you long enough to shroud forever those last shards of wisdom. The breeze rocking this forlorn wasteland whispers in your ears, “Não resta mais que uma sombra”.
^^ I think the martial arts route is a really useful piece of advice. My children (girls) both start martial arts this autumn. I have never learnt martial arts but I went to a one-day training course in female self defence which was actually also really useful - just how to maximise damage on someone much larger than you and how to hit where it hurts and that kind of stuff. So if you don't have time for a weekly course, contact local martial art centres and see if they run anything similar.
Thankfully I have never ever had to use any force against any man in my whole life. In fact I have found men all over the world (in general, with a few exceptions) to be helpful, courteous and respectful to me despite doing several of the things that people would suggest are 'naive' - hitch hiking for example and being a blonde foreigner far, far from home!
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"I will file you under "L" for people I love most. "
RetroGamer87
Veteran
Joined: 30 Jul 2013
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 10,969
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Especially during arguments, it can be difficult for me to keep track of what the root problem is.
Coping with & resolving conflict while balancing assertiveness & compromise...
Yeah, no prob!
Yes this! I have such a headache by the time my husband has produced his argument I will give in to whatever. I beg him to start at the end (stating the outcome he is looking for) and then I can ask for more information if I need it. But he says it doesn't work like that.
If he's anything like me, he doesn't know the outcome until he's gotten to the end of it. Going through it all with you could be his way of figuring out what the outcome is.
I have the same problem with girlfriend. Yes, I could go through it all in her head but I want to ask her questions about what she wants from the outcome. If I work it all out on my own it feels unfair to her.
We are constantly battered by shortness of time, children interrupting and no alone time. I struggle with long-windedness anyway but in the environment we have to work with at the moment and raising a high needs child I find excess rumination about straight forward things really hard. I actually feel panicked by things that take time! But I do see what you mean, the journey, and being on it together, is far more important than simply achieving the desired outcome.
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"I will file you under "L" for people I love most. "
Yes you can. Those two goals aren't in opposition to each other.
But is it possible to harm one sex or gender without hurting the other?
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"I will file you under "L" for people I love most. "
Yes you can. Those two goals aren't in opposition to each other.
Well, tell that to MissChess. I was replying to her.
_________________
The red lake has been forgotten. A dust devil stuns you long enough to shroud forever those last shards of wisdom. The breeze rocking this forlorn wasteland whispers in your ears, “Não resta mais que uma sombra”.
Yes you can. Those two goals aren't in opposition to each other.
Well, tell that to MissChess. I was replying to her.
I'm not going to respond to your strawman argument, Spiderpig. I never said "OMG Aspie guys are the only ones allowed to talk you all have to shut up poor little meeeee."
I'm sorry you view my desire for Aspie women to also be heard as some kind of threat. "Share what's difficult for you with dating," isn't the kind of conversation that should ever be turned into a zero-sum game.
In a thread like this, though, responding to a woman's comments with BS mansplaining about how she's got it all wrong and her own personal dating experience is just a big ol' misunderstanding and she should listen to the guys tell her how life really is? Guys do that a lot. I don't care for it.
I love and respect many men. My respect is earned, though, and it doesn't go to those who try to paint my words over with lies and their own opinions.
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~MissChess
I never said that. Talk about strawmanning
We have our fair share of womansplaining about our own challenges, too, and especially about how wanting to do anything about them makes us misogynists and therefore undeserving of any success.
Good for you. I may be naïve, but not so much as to expect I could earn your respect at this point.
_________________
The red lake has been forgotten. A dust devil stuns you long enough to shroud forever those last shards of wisdom. The breeze rocking this forlorn wasteland whispers in your ears, “Não resta mais que uma sombra”.
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