Why them and not me? Wearing cool shirts in the Bible Belt

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IstominFan
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13 Apr 2018, 8:54 am

People who walk around looking like walking billboards for bands with names like "Cradle of Filth" and similar extreme names are not people I'd hang around with and you shouldn't wish to emulate them. Popular doesn't necessarily translate to likeable, nice or good to be around. In fact, some of these people are pretty toxic.



green0star
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13 Apr 2018, 9:42 am

Well I wear a lot of anime shirts and very far and few in between will notice what the shirt is even from(the anime on my t shirt). I find that its like anything else, if people are into that they will take notice, if not then they won't. Back home I did run into quite a few people who were either into anime or "con hoppers"(they go to multiple anime conventions a year). Down here in the so called "bible belt", I've only met 2 people who were into anime and it was a lady and her daughter who I got greatly chastised for even holding a conversation with at the grocery store. Ever since then, nothing xD This crap hole, I tell ya ... Then again these days I stand out way too much to the point where people are almost afraid to even approach me it seems o-o



Fireblossom
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14 Apr 2018, 5:19 am

Marknis wrote:
It tends to happen if I walk somewhere (Not when the band is playing) and they happen to be there. My mind immediately tells me they don't like me and I think it partly has to do with how a female swim teacher hit me on the head with a plastic ring; I was always having female peers saying my name in a harsh tone along with "Stop it." or something like that. I am not entirely sure but something programmed me to think that a face that isn't smiling was an angry face. I don't stare because I am worried about getting a negative response and I find eye contact to be difficult. I have tried talking to girls but they only give me languid replies and stop when I run out of things to say. I suppose I hope for them to have something like "liquid courage" which would make them break gender roles but that's never happened to me, even before I ever heard that term. I guess I was also hoping maybe after being alone for so long that maybe "my time" would finally come but that's never happened either.

I really just hope someday a single gothic or other alternative girl will smile at me instead of looking uninterested or scornful. :( I am almost 30 but I still feel like the young teenager who was stuck at home while life passed him by. I can leave my home but mentally I still feel stuck.


What did you do in order to have women hiss "stop it" at you so often? I mean if it was really so common then there's around 98 % chance that you really did do something to them, even if it wasn't on purpose. Try to think of it; is it possible that you did something creepy or the like often because you didn't know it wasn't socially acceptable?

It's not just you; apparently most people find someone who's smiling easier to aproach than someone who is not. However, it'll do you some good to remember that someone not smiling doesn't mean that they have a negative emotion at that moment. She (or he) might simply have the kind of mouth that naturally goes downwards when they aren't trying to make a certain face. My face is like that.

If someone doesn't continue the conversation after you run out of things to say then it's very likely that they aren't interested in you and were just answering your guestions to be polite. Just accept it if someone isn't interested and find someone else. I don't know about the women in your area, but most of my female friends make the first move if the guy is interesting enough. In other words the one who is more interested in the other makes the first move.

Why would the girl need to do the first move? If you want to make friends with a woman then you make an effort, make the first move. They say good things come to those who wait and while it's sometimes true you're much more likely to get those good things if you get up and make an effort.



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15 Apr 2018, 8:16 am

Marknis wrote:
One of my own posts made me think on this.

Marknis wrote:
Indeed. I knew a guy at high school who wore Cradle of Filth, Children of Bodom, and Nile (All extreme metal bands) shirts and he had a girlfriend. I also know two guys (Both are in bands and one used to be a co-worker while another one still is) who wear metal and punk shirts all the time and they both have long term relationships. My older brother's ex-friend had local bands (They all tanked), wore metal band shirts, and had a girlfriend. Heck, I see couples making out and finding places to have sex at the music shows in Austin I go to.


I just wonder why things worked out for them but not for me.


A sign on a shirt is like a sign on a store. They should both tell you what and what not to expect inside. I don't think you have seen the other differences between people. Usually, the shirt is quite optional. If a store smells like pizza, it does not need a sign. If you move and talk well, you can even skip the shirt, but will choose something to go with the rest of your style. If you are inert, even Liberace's suits won't help.



Marknis
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15 Apr 2018, 2:41 pm

Fireblossom wrote:
Marknis wrote:
It tends to happen if I walk somewhere (Not when the band is playing) and they happen to be there. My mind immediately tells me they don't like me and I think it partly has to do with how a female swim teacher hit me on the head with a plastic ring; I was always having female peers saying my name in a harsh tone along with "Stop it." or something like that. I am not entirely sure but something programmed me to think that a face that isn't smiling was an angry face. I don't stare because I am worried about getting a negative response and I find eye contact to be difficult. I have tried talking to girls but they only give me languid replies and stop when I run out of things to say. I suppose I hope for them to have something like "liquid courage" which would make them break gender roles but that's never happened to me, even before I ever heard that term. I guess I was also hoping maybe after being alone for so long that maybe "my time" would finally come but that's never happened either.

I really just hope someday a single gothic or other alternative girl will smile at me instead of looking uninterested or scornful. :( I am almost 30 but I still feel like the young teenager who was stuck at home while life passed him by. I can leave my home but mentally I still feel stuck.


What did you do in order to have women hiss "stop it" at you so often? I mean if it was really so common then there's around 98 % chance that you really did do something to them, even if it wasn't on purpose. Try to think of it; is it possible that you did something creepy or the like often because you didn't know it wasn't socially acceptable?

It's not just you; apparently most people find someone who's smiling easier to aproach than someone who is not. However, it'll do you some good to remember that someone not smiling doesn't mean that they have a negative emotion at that moment. She (or he) might simply have the kind of mouth that naturally goes downwards when they aren't trying to make a certain face. My face is like that.

If someone doesn't continue the conversation after you run out of things to say then it's very likely that they aren't interested in you and were just answering your guestions to be polite. Just accept it if someone isn't interested and find someone else. I don't know about the women in your area, but most of my female friends make the first move if the guy is interesting enough. In other words the one who is more interested in the other makes the first move.

Why would the girl need to do the first move? If you want to make friends with a woman then you make an effort, make the first move. They say good things come to those who wait and while it's sometimes true you're much more likely to get those good things if you get up and make an effort.


I meant to say authority figures rather than peers, I realize I used the wrong noun. Besides the swim teacher hitting me on the head, I've had other female teachers tell me to "Stop it." or "Mark, you are in trouble!" in harsh tones. It was usually for things I didn't understand were "bad" such as trying to climb up the side of a tree fort on the playground or saying the word "sex". But I do still have bad memories with females who were or around my age. I remember once seeing some dinosaur books on the ground and when I picked one of them up, I heard a girl shout at me "That's my homework!" and after she snatched the books away, she had an angry look on her face towards me.

When I was 14, a gothic looking girl who was a friend of my older brother's would come over sometimes and I greeted her but her response was very languid. I grew a lot of body hair on my chest and back during my teen years and I would hear girls say things like "Guys with chest hair are so gross! Back hair is even grosser!" and when they learned I had both, it didn't go over well. I even shaved my body hair off but it was too late by then since those girls already had boyfriends and school was ending.

One day before one of my ex-friends moved away (This was 2012), we were going to meet up with a friend of hers that she had introduced to me before but another friend showed up unannounced. She didn't seem to like me. She would smile and laugh whenever my ex-friend and the other girl (Who I was also attracted to but I was too shy to ask for her number. I really regret not trying to reach out to her.) talked but if I talked, she had an angry look on her face. I tend to think she may have been a man hater.

Women in my area never make the first move unless the guy is super attractive. My older brother had girls approach him first until he started letting himself go and he's now stuck in a bad marriage. I often felt like he kept stealing the spotlight from me because the girls would look at him and they would even tell me "Mark, your brother is so hot!" but they wouldn't say that about me.

But you said women in your culture will approach first so why can't it be the same in my culture as well? Shouldn't friendships be a two way street? What if the woman is more interested in being friends with me? Why can't she make the first move?



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16 Apr 2018, 7:32 am

Marknis wrote:
Women in my area never make the first move unless the guy is super attractive. My older brother had girls approach him first until he started letting himself go and he's now stuck in a bad marriage. I often felt like he kept stealing the spotlight from me because the girls would look at him and they would even tell me "Mark, your brother is so hot!" but they wouldn't say that about me.

But you said women in your culture will approach first so why can't it be the same in my culture as well? Shouldn't friendships be a two way street? What if the woman is more interested in being friends with me? Why can't she make the first move?


But you just said that women used to approach your brother, right? In other words at least some women do make the first move in your area, too. If no one makes a first move on you then it's likely that no one has been that interested in you... the way I see it, you have two choices: keep doing whatever it is you do and hope you will catch some woman's eye some day or put in a lot of effort in order to make them interested in you. Or well, a third choice would be to give up, but from what I've understood that's not a real option to you so you only got two. If choice number two sounds too hard then stick with number one, but I think you'd have a better chance if you tried changing things. Also, think long term. No changes happen or have effect overnight; you have to be patient if you want results.

As for your brother "stealing" all the attention, you and I are on the same boat in a sense. My sister and I are a year and a half apart in age (she's the older one) and she tends to get people's attention with her looks alone (she's even been asked if she's a model.) Add in her excellent (or normal NT?) social skills and it's a given that she's the one who'll get more (positive) attention. I'm bitter at her for it, yes, especially on bad days, but when I stop to think about it rationally I know it's not her fault. It's not her fault that I was born with a disablity that ended up affecting my appearance or that I was born autistic which, as we all know, causes trouble with handling normal social rules.

Personally I think it'd be easier for me if I had someone who I could rationally blame when things go wrong in my life (like if my mom had smoked or used alcohol when she was expecting me, I could blame my disability on her), but since I don't it's better not to think about who but to focus on why. Not who caused my problems but what and why so that I can avoid those things in the future. Take my advice and do the same.



SocOfAutism
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16 Apr 2018, 11:55 am

A couple of thoughts:

1-Back when the internet was some command line stuff that my moms latest husband was doing army stuff on and you had to get cool t shirts out of the back of metal magazines or from underground scream prints, us subversive types did make friends with each other based on looks alone. How you looked was important and if you did not back up the look with experienced knowledge you were a poser. I am not proud to recall how I looked in 1994.

2-Most people are either stupid or jerks or both, and you wouldn’t want their lives. You’d be disappointed if you got to know most people. One or two people eventually come along who are worth your time.



Marknis
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16 Apr 2018, 5:38 pm

Fireblossom wrote:
Marknis wrote:
Women in my area never make the first move unless the guy is super attractive. My older brother had girls approach him first until he started letting himself go and he's now stuck in a bad marriage. I often felt like he kept stealing the spotlight from me because the girls would look at him and they would even tell me "Mark, your brother is so hot!" but they wouldn't say that about me.

But you said women in your culture will approach first so why can't it be the same in my culture as well? Shouldn't friendships be a two way street? What if the woman is more interested in being friends with me? Why can't she make the first move?


But you just said that women used to approach your brother, right? In other words at least some women do make the first move in your area, too. If no one makes a first move on you then it's likely that no one has been that interested in you... the way I see it, you have two choices: keep doing whatever it is you do and hope you will catch some woman's eye some day or put in a lot of effort in order to make them interested in you. Or well, a third choice would be to give up, but from what I've understood that's not a real option to you so you only got two. If choice number two sounds too hard then stick with number one, but I think you'd have a better chance if you tried changing things. Also, think long term. No changes happen or have effect overnight; you have to be patient if you want results.

As for your brother "stealing" all the attention, you and I are on the same boat in a sense. My sister and I are a year and a half apart in age (she's the older one) and she tends to get people's attention with her looks alone (she's even been asked if she's a model.) Add in her excellent (or normal NT?) social skills and it's a given that she's the one who'll get more (positive) attention. I'm bitter at her for it, yes, especially on bad days, but when I stop to think about it rationally I know it's not her fault. It's not her fault that I was born with a disablity that ended up affecting my appearance or that I was born autistic which, as we all know, causes trouble with handling normal social rules.

Personally I think it'd be easier for me if I had someone who I could rationally blame when things go wrong in my life (like if my mom had smoked or used alcohol when she was expecting me, I could blame my disability on her), but since I don't it's better not to think about who but to focus on why. Not who caused my problems but what and why so that I can avoid those things in the future. Take my advice and do the same.


I sometimes forget that my first and only real girlfriend actually approached me first and two "cutters" did as well but these events were all years apart from each other.

After my older brother let himself go, he no longer gets approached and no one has told me that he's "hot" anymore but I wish women would say that about me. :(