Rant.

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Right off the bat I want to apologize to anyone that may read this, its more of a vent than anything else.


This is going to be laid out quite weirdly as im trying not to drone on too much as im well aware this will already be a very long and boring post, so trying to cut myself off when I notice it happening.


- Haven't had so much as an acquaintance let alone a friend since I was 11

- never been on a date, so much as held a girls hand etc.

- Given the above 2 statements I have missed every social developmental milestone

- worked my ass off throughout school, but come exam time the stress got to me and my results were embarrassing

- always aspired to join the military- I checked the fitness requirements for joining and made sure I was more than physically capable to be accepted. I applied but after seeing I was on anti depressants at a young age ( albiet a very brief 2 week trial at the doctors request) I was marked as pmu- permanently medically unfit. Meaning I am not even allowed to try and prove myself worthy for any branch of the military or police

- When the military failed I decided to try university to get a degree, get out of my little home town and try to reinvent myself. It literally could not have gone worse, struggled with going to the class due to the nervousness, never talked to anyone in class leading to me having to take on assignments specifically designed for groups by myself, flatmates were understandably unsympathetic ( they didnt go to uni to babysit some whiny ret*d).
With all this happening I decided to give a counselor a shot, she noticed my lack of eye constant, constant fidgeting etc and refereed me to the specialized autism team. After a period of interviews with myself and family members I was officially diagnosed with aspergers at 21.

- Given the new information and how much I was already struggling it was clear I wouldn't be able to see through another 3 years of uni so I dropped out and moved home.

- After an adjustment period and getting some benefits organized I looked into going back to school, just locally this time, but given how the benefits work in my country going to education would mean having my money cut so I couldn't afford it.

- I then used the money to get a 1 bed flat, so at the very least I could have some semblance of a normal life.

- I have spent the 6 years since then doing everything I could.
psychologists and therapists- both nhs and very expensive private sector ones
dozens upon dozens of groups organised by nhs, charities, parents etc
been on every medication under the sun, from anti depressants to beta blockers to sleeping pills, you name it the doctors have tried me on it
had multiple work placements
joined a gym
went backpacking in spain (really wanted to push myself, but even in a great place with friendly people I was incapable of relaxing for 1 goddamn second)
got a motorbike

But nothing has had any benefit whatsoever. I am still so nervous about people that even the mere thought of leaving my house makes me physically sick
even when I go for a doctors appointment where I know where im going, how im getting there and back, whose driving me, who im going to see etc etc I still don't get any sleep for nights before.
My main doctor is actually giving up on me in our last appointment they were honest and said that looking through my files they don't know what else they can offer me and in my next appointment they will probably discharge me.

I can honestly say I have tried everything I possibly could over the past 6 years and have genuinely gave it my all yet have nothing to show for it, here I am 27 years old more depressed,bored,lonely than ever before. My best years are behind me filled with nothing but failures and I have absolutely no reason to get out of bed in the mornings, no qualifications,no professional experience, no experience with human relationships friendly or romantic, no prospects, no hope, no future

I don't think I asked for too much from life, I didnt want to be a rockstar, or an actor or simply hope to win the lottery all I wanted was some IT job, a couple of friends and somewhere down the line a girlfriend but despite my best efforts I am never going to get to do or experience anything other than depression. I am utterly miserable every second im conscious, sleep the closest I have ever come to experiencing happiness.

Again apologies to anyone who reads this, and for sounding so dramatic I needed to let it out somewhere and after my 16th consecutive birthday completely alone last month ive been dwelling a lot on my existence ( i dont class what I have as a life) and have reached a point now where I just pray that I had the balls to end it, set both myself and my family free.

Hi

I am replying as I want you to know, you are not alone in this. I so hear you. Please don’t give up.

I’ve felt like this many of time although I was diagnosed with depression, I am not saying this is you.

I think you have done a lot with your life, think back to those happy times and realise what a great person you are and how much you have achieved.

You will get through this, you have done before and you will again.

If you like we can support each other

Tracy

Please don't give up, autistic folks are slow developers, it might just take a little more time.

If you are interested in IT, I wonder if there is something you can do in that field by yourself? Maybe developing some app or website or something that might stand as a showcase of your skills?

Wrong Planet is here for people to vent.

Crippling Anxiety is quite common for "Aspies" for two main reasons.
1. Repeated past failures in social situations. Most aspies ruminate on these at the expense of looking other causes such as.
2. Sensory overload. Sound, light, touch etc are often way more intense for us than for most. These sensory sensitivities are our normal thus we do not realize how much of a source of stress these can be. What one needs to do is try an identify and minimize these.

Since we are a such a small minority many of us tend to judge ourselves by what the majority sets as milestones. Some of these milestones are either out of our reach or a so stressful to reach that we do not spend time on things we are skilled at and enjoy.

Being the best autistic we can be instead of being the least bad neurotypical imitator we can requires a basic change in how we think of ourselves. The biggest obstacle to that way of thinking is that constant voice in our head that says trying to be the best autistic we can be is compromising ourselves, making up an excuse for failure, setting the bar too low etc. There are real reasons for those fears, one can fall into that trap. What it comes down to while a cliche is that we are different not less.

Changing your way of thinking, identifying nonobvious causes of your anxieties is going to be more hard work and time. It took you a long time to get to this point it is going to take a long time to get out of it.

Obviously, you will need some help with all of this. Our British members can guide you better than I, but you need to find a psychologist who understands autistic causes of your anxiety, not the "typical ones". I would not give up on the university path yet. A lot of universities do give accommodations for autism. How good they vary quite a bit.

I wish you the best in your search for improvement.

Thank you for the replies, they are appreciated

The problem with that is that ive tried a lot, but failed it all. In this world effort doesn't matter only results do. Despite years of dogged dedication to getting better I am still an all around less valuable human than an average "normal" person.


Also "you will get through this" is a very apt description, the thing is i'm so so tired of struggling simply to make it through, whatever age I may die at I don't want my whole existence to boil down to simply making it through unhappy the whole time.

As you will already be aware im not exactly the most upbeat person, but yea feel free to talk to me, random chat, vent of your own or whatever it may be and I will try my utmost to be of some use.



My bad I left something out of my list in my original post, I am relatively competent at fixing/upgrading computers so I did try to have my own little business repairing for people, using my motorbike to get around. However that was short lived as just 1 month into having my bike an elderly driver rear-ended me at a roundabout so for the time being that's on hold.


ASPartOfMe

I do understand the points you are making about milestones and development, unfortunately I would disagree with your statement "we are different not less" I don't mean to sound insulting but personally I class myself as a ret*d, a defective human,a genetic mistake and would give anything, if it all possible I would trade however many years I have remaining to live just 1 week as a real man.

Plus the uni is unfortunately forever out of my reach, given my money situation and inability to hold down a job for any period of time there is no viable way I could afford the course fee's never mind accommodation and other bills.

Again I apologize, it is genuinely not my intent to come across as rude, insulting or like im disregarding your replies i'm trying and no doubt failing to share my own experiences and honest thoughts on things to do any less would be wasting everyones time

Acceptance says a lot. Some of us are just not able, I can’t drive although I’ve tried. I have to reply on my husband to get around, but that is what I’ve had to accept.

I have recently been diagnosed with a chromosome disorder, that is hard to accept. I have an long term illness. I was bullied as a child, but I am still fighting for a place in this world.

My life is really difficult, but I accept it all. I am not good at anything either really, but I accept my limitations and I’ve reach a age where I don’t care what people think of me.

What I am trying to say, happiness and acceptance comes from within. Please love yourself and the rest will follow.

You are a valuable person, remember that.