Do men always convey their attraction in a physical manner?

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SummerAndSmoke
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14 Apr 2018, 9:14 pm

I just finished my spring semester. I'd had an enormous crush on this guy (he's 33, I'm 25) in my class over the past 6 months, but he didn't want to work with me on another project so I assumed I should just do my best to forget about him. However, last week, we were all out at a bar celebrating our last day, and he randomly came up and asked me if I wanted to coordinate a day for the two of us to go see a show that our teacher had been raving about. Dream come true! Late that night (around 2am) he sent me a couple of frantic text messages because he suddenly remembered that I have a mild alcohol allergy, and he was really worried that the drink he passed to me had too much booze in it.

The show unfortunately ended up being all sold out, so I said that maybe we could see a Broadway play instead. He was disappointed that there were no tickets left (as was I), but willing to see the other one that I suggested. On Friday morning, we got up super early to wait a couple hours in the rush line. One of the first things he asked me was whether I smelled the cigarettes on him at the class function we attended the previous night. Later on in the day, he said we should grab dinner before the show, so we went into a nearby diner for milkshakes and fries. Throughout the entire day, I think he was definitely enjoying my company in a truly spontaneous, engaged and authentic way.... very different from the sense I've got from the vast majority of my social outings in the past, where it felt like people were just trying to be kind to me. Our conversation just flowed exceptionally well over the hours (I realize that "exceptional" can be a relative word. An exceptionally good social interaction for someone like me may be fairly routine for a person with great social skills). However, he never once tried to touch me except when saying hello and goodbye. He's a very warm, friendly guy who likes to give people hugs when greeting them. I saw him on Thursday evening at a class function, but when he first saw me he gave me a look that was like, "is it ok for me to give you a hug?"

I'm really having trouble figuring out whether he was trying to be gentlemanly and afraid of touching me in a potentially uncomfortable way (particularly with all the #MeToo hysteria that's in the air right now), or if he's just a really gregarious guy who simply likes me as a person and this is how he is whenever he's hanging out with his pals. I felt like our personal chemistry was amazing, but of course that doesn't mean he did. I don't want to make any assumptions in regards to how he feels about me.... I'd really like to grow our relationship as much as possible but I have no idea how to go about doing that, or how far he'd be willing to take it. If he was attracted to me at all, would he have definitely shown it in some physical way the other day? We spent all of our time out and about in public places, sidewalks and restaurants and such.



The_Face_of_Boo
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15 Apr 2018, 12:24 am

He dated you so it means he likes you.

As you said, there’s #MeToo hysteria where you live, so you should do the first physical move.



The Grand Inquisitor
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15 Apr 2018, 3:40 am

Men don't always do anything because we're not clones of each other who act in a uniform manner. He could have wanted to hug but been afraid it wouldn't be well-received like you speculated or maybe he didn't want to hug at all. It's really impossible for someone who wasn't there to discern. Much more so than someone who was and even then it's difficult sometimes.

The fact that he's suggesting you see a show together is promising as it implies he enjoys your company at least to some capacity.



SummerAndSmoke
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15 Apr 2018, 8:45 am

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He dated you so it means he likes you.


But how would I know if he thought of it as a date?

In class last month, we were doing personal self-explorations on the Seven Deadly Sins. For his solo performance exercise, he chose Lust, and when he was talking about his work afterward, he said that he had wanted me to assist him in the exploration but didn't ask because he was afraid it would be douchey and inappropriate.



whatamievendoing
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15 Apr 2018, 8:48 am

I'm somehow inclined to believe most Aspie men tend to not be very physical so early on, maybe aside from a goodbye hug. But it certainly has to do with more than just the whole #MeToo fiasco - it's not solely its fault that some men avoid getting physical with women they barely know. I for one have always been that way.


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redbrick1
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15 Apr 2018, 9:30 am

It appears that he likes your comapny and is enjoying being around, also sounds like you want to take it further. Have you thought about trying to hold his hand while you two walk?



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15 Apr 2018, 9:37 am

Not sure the 'Me to' thing is all 'hysteria' people really do get sexually harassed and/or assaulted and there is a problem of people being afraid to speak out about it. So I think that is largely the basis of it.

That said sounds like it was a date to me it does seem like he may like you. I mean really the only way to find out is to continue spending time with him and see how it progresses. I'd say after a few dates would be a good time to bring up the topic of what you and he are exactly concerning the relationship.

For me and my boyfriend we went on a few dates when we first met, and after a few of those we had a conversation to confirm we were indeed in an exclusive relationship and wanted to try for the long term.


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SummerAndSmoke
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15 Apr 2018, 10:06 am

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That said sounds like it was a date to me


What makes you think so?



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15 Apr 2018, 3:43 pm

SummerAndSmoke wrote:
Do Men Always Convey Their Attraction In A Physical Manner?


Nope—some of us have learned very well we’d better not convey it in any way, physical or otherwise.


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SSJ4_PrestonGarvey
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16 Apr 2018, 12:13 pm

Spiderpig wrote:
SummerAndSmoke wrote:
Do Men Always Convey Their Attraction In A Physical Manner?


Nope—some of us have learned very well we’d better not convey it in any way, physical or otherwise.

And some of us already have natural tendency to avoid conveying it as well as also being reinforced by the environment.


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The_Face_of_Boo
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17 Apr 2018, 2:09 am

SummerAndSmoke wrote:
Quote:
He dated you so it means he likes you.


But how would I know if he thought of it as a date?

In class last month, we were doing personal self-explorations on the Seven Deadly Sins. For his solo performance exercise, he chose Lust, and when he was talking about his work afterward, he said that he had wanted me to assist him in the exploration but didn't ask because he was afraid it would be douchey and inappropriate.


No guy hangs out with a woman tête-à-tête who barely knows her just for the sake of friendship.

It was a date, he bought tickets for you , planned it all, and hanged out with you tête-à-tête ..... plus he hinted lust.

What more he needs to do to make you understand it was a date?? A tongue-to-tongue goodbye kiss? It was obviously a f**** date!.

jeez.

Look I know that aspies may fail to see nonverbal cues , but aspies are supposed to be logical (I am starting to highly doubt on that) - so use your logic. Seriously, not figuring out this that it was a date is not justifiable.



SummerAndSmoke
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18 Apr 2018, 10:03 pm

Quote:
No guy hangs out with a woman tête-à-tête who barely knows her just for the sake of friendship.

It was a date, he bought tickets for you , planned it all, and hanged out with you tête-à-tête


He didn't buy the tickets. We each paid for ourselves, for the dinner (I asked to split the check) and the show. I've known him casually over the last 6 months.... apart from a few texting conversations and chatting during rehearsals, we haven't spent any social time together up until now.

One thing that's quite clear to me is that he's a very kind, thoughtful, empathic person. While we were waiting in line to get the tickets, he said that he was sorry for having gone home at the end of the night so abruptly because he figured that watching my former classmates at the school function must've been really painful for me (it was). It's hard to tell how much of his behavior to me is just him being a good guy, and how much of it might have something to do with possibly being attracted in me.



The_Face_of_Boo
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19 Apr 2018, 5:03 am

SummerAndSmoke wrote:
Quote:
No guy hangs out with a woman tête-à-tête who barely knows her just for the sake of friendship.

It was a date, he bought tickets for you , planned it all, and hanged out with you tête-à-tête


He didn't buy the tickets. We each paid for ourselves, for the dinner (I asked to split the check) and the show. I've known him casually over the last 6 months.... apart from a few texting conversations and chatting during rehearsals, we haven't spent any social time together up until now.

One thing that's quite clear to me is that he's a very kind, thoughtful, empathic person. While we were waiting in line to get the tickets, he said that he was sorry for having gone home at the end of the night so abruptly because he figured that watching my former classmates at the school function must've been really painful for me (it was). It's hard to tell how much of his behavior to me is just him being a good guy, and how much of it might have something to do with possibly being attracted in me.



Just go with the flow.

But one mistake that many women do and you shouldn't do: Don't just wait him to show interest, show interest as well - for example , do initiate texting sometimes and not just wait for him to do so because if you never did he will assume you're not interested.



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19 Apr 2018, 5:05 pm

Waiting for the man to show interest is a good strategy to select for ever-more-persistent, harassing men.

By the way, I like how tête-à-tête sounds about as close as anything in French can to Spanish teta a teta (‘tit by tit’).


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SSJ4_PrestonGarvey
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19 Apr 2018, 5:10 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
SummerAndSmoke wrote:
Quote:
No guy hangs out with a woman tête-à-tête who barely knows her just for the sake of friendship.

It was a date, he bought tickets for you , planned it all, and hanged out with you tête-à-tête


He didn't buy the tickets. We each paid for ourselves, for the dinner (I asked to split the check) and the show. I've known him casually over the last 6 months.... apart from a few texting conversations and chatting during rehearsals, we haven't spent any social time together up until now.

One thing that's quite clear to me is that he's a very kind, thoughtful, empathic person. While we were waiting in line to get the tickets, he said that he was sorry for having gone home at the end of the night so abruptly because he figured that watching my former classmates at the school function must've been really painful for me (it was). It's hard to tell how much of his behavior to me is just him being a good guy, and how much of it might have something to do with possibly being attracted in me.



Just go with the flow.

But one mistake that many women do and you shouldn't do: Don't just wait him to show interest, show interest as well - for example , do initiate texting sometimes and not just wait for him to do so because if you never did he will assume you're not interested.

Agreed 100%


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20 Apr 2018, 6:23 am

I think it shows respect when someone doesn't immediately attempt a physical relationship. This is nice. Does he know you enough to believe you might have an issue with physical contact?
I think it's a little odd that he approached you and then suggested you make the effort to find tickets to the event. Why wouldn't he have made that effort after asking if you would be interested in joining him?
Since it's the end of the semester, is he leaving or are you? If you are both going to be staying close by then perhaps suggest something he can organize for the two of you to do? ( Not necessarily pay for but at least organize) That way, if he follows through, he is defintiely interested in at least seeing if you two are compatible.