anyone ...

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… who recognizes my situation. English is not my native language, so please forgive me if I make errors. Besides I'm drunk anyway, so it doesn't matter...

My brother died at the age of 52 in November 2017. He was 52 and had an alcohol issue. His son found his father
after two days of lying in a heated house. The boy is traumatized. There's a daughter of 12 and she's autistic.

End of January 2018 I lost my job. A job which I had been enjoying doing for almost 26 yrs. But suddenly I didn't fit in their perspective anymore (read : team-building, being dynamic, flexible, Multi-functional an stress -resilient). I am none of that. So I got fired.

In the middle of March 2018 my mother died.

I am the only one left. My father died in 2012, my only brother is dead and my mother is dead. Everyone is at the graveyard. Except me.

We (my husband and I) are confronted with : taking up legal aspects (heritage : me and my brother's children of which one is an autistic girl). His son found his father dead after a few days in a heathed house. I don't want to know any details about it, but the boy is traumatized for sure.

Me, my husband and my ex-sister in law (my brother divorced years ago and moved back in with my mother) are still on speaking terms, thank God for that. I appreciate what she has done for my brother and I do not hold any grudge against her, on the contrary.

We are arranging stuff. Cleaning up my mother's house (she had a serious serious ! ! hoarding problem), and arranging legal issues (I don't want to put my brother's children at any disadvantage whatsoever !). I gave my husband full authority to arrange this for me, since I am not capable of doing this on my own.

We are cleaning up my parent's house because it needs to be sold. I am confronted with memories of my past (like a Rolling Stones LP with a written remark on it from my brother : "for my sister's 15th birthday". I shrivel up and die. I die right there and then.

I can not cope at all. I do not go to the cemetary because everyone is there : my father, my mother, my only brother. There is no one left but me, and I want to die as well. Quickly and easily. My brother died by getting some sort of attack (probably) and he fell forward on his nose. His nose broke and probably he died instantly. God bless him.

Today I went for the first time into the bathroom where he died. There are still some blood stains (from the broken nose), and I thought : I want this as well. Just let me die in peace and quickly.

I can not cope with this. I am seeing a psychiatrist and I am on medication. I do all I am supposed to do. But in the end I just want to die. I drink as much as my body can tolerate, I combine that with painkillers and tranquillizers, hoping I will not wake up anymore. Everyone is dead, so why shouldn't I ???

I have no job, I have nothing to live for. I have a husband, but I just want him to have the inheritance so he can move on without me. I do not want to be here any longer.

I drink a lot, and I try to combine booze with painkillers, sleeping tablets and tranquillizers, hoping that one day I will never wake up again. I am seeing a psychiatrist, but for some reason, I do not tell her the truth. I make up a story of "I'm fine" and I think she believes it.

I can not cope with this at all. Can anyone give me advice ? Please forgive my poor English and the fact that I am drunk right now

My husband just came to check on me. He's worried

Never mind. It doesn't matter to me or anyone.

Is it my poor English which prevents you from posting a reply ?

Sorry to hear that. Perhaps talking honestly with your husband will help.

People on the spectrum have trouble with change--and deaths are a really big change.

Yes, you could indeed say that losing all your relatives is some kind of change. Well, well. Thanks for your reply.

Condolences for everything you're going through, madcats, it would be enough to flatten any person.

The grief you describe is beyond my comprehension, but I do know the feeling of hoping that I will not wake up the next time I sleep, and I have sought my own consolation in alcohol and drugs in the past. I advise you to be frank with your psychiatrist and your husband about how you are feeling and the attempts that you are making to cope with it. I know full well that this is easier said than done, but what you're experiencing is more than anybody could be expected to handle without help. Your psychiatrist is there precisely to help you with these kind of traumas, and you have said that your husband is concerned about you. Let them in on your suffering, so that they can help you through this.

Best wishes.

You are going through an incredibly bad string of events. Lean on your husband for support. The marriage vows say "in sickness and in health, for worse". This is the type of thing meant by "for worse". He wants you around and would take you over the inheritance anytime. I hope your psychiatrist can help you.

I know it is a cliche but you should concentrate on dealing one or two problems at a time because all of it together is just too much for most humans to handle.

This is all good advice. My condolences to you, madcats. You are truly faced with a terrible string of events. Don't take on more than your strength can handle, and allow your psychiatrist and husband to know how you really are doing.

As hard as it can be for you to believe, there still can be good times ahead. Trust me on this.

I just want to say sorry.

You will get through, you poor person.
Stay strong. I hope you find some comfort in sharing your story.

I’m sorry for your losses. Please be honest with your psychiatrist. I can’t imagine the depth of your sorrow

Confide in your husband. Remember he took an oath to love you in sickness and in health, in good times but also in bad times. Let him help you work through these difficult times.

I'm truly for your loss, as I don't know what it's truly like to feel all alone. I really hope it gets better, and you're in luck to have a loving and caring husband so you're not alone after all!!

Your brother sounds like he loved you very much. I am sure he would want you to endure and see his children grow up!

You sound like you're suffering terribly; please reach out for help. It can get better.

BELGIUM SUICIDE HOTLINES

May you be free of suffering and at peace.