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redbrick1
Toucan
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02 Jun 2018, 9:00 pm

Got investigated by HR. A employee complained about my behavior. Long story short she found no merit in the claim, though she did say that I seem to lack social skills and appear to be awkward where people might understand why I would come off creepy. I know this does not make me look good. And all I did was ask her if she was mad at her. I believe the whole thing was a setup, but that really is not the point.
Every year, I seem to be talked to about my interpersonal skills, and I feel like I am making progress. But this damn social disability of mine has hindered my life in alot of ways. From being bullied by father and peers alike in school, to not making friends or romantic partners in my teens to losing jobs in my twenties and thirties. I know I am way better off than some people and in a lot of ways. And I should be thankful but for right now I can only see the downside of this.
Neurodiversity, bah! Will never f*****g happen!
I just want to be accepted.



Graceling
Tufted Titmouse
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08 Jun 2018, 1:23 pm

I can't help you, but I can commiserate. I was once told that I was well-respected at work because I do my job better than anyone, but I was not well-liked because I didn't smile at people and I didn't say good morning and I didn't stop to chat and make small talk and be friendly. I not only got passed over for a promotion because of my lack of social skills, I actually was given a pay cut (for the same amount of work, of course). I've looked around for social skills therapy groups for adults, but I can never find any that take people over 21. I don't know where to look for help at my age.

I'm sorry I can't be more helpful, but know that you're not alone.



BeaArthur
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10 Jun 2018, 5:41 pm

See if you find a regular therapy group, not a social skills group. One thing about group therapy is you get feedback (both positive and negative) from your peers in the group. So they are de facto social skills groups, along with other things such as treatment for depression, anxiety, and social phobia.


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redbrick1
Toucan
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Joined: 25 Dec 2015
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10 Jun 2018, 9:39 pm

BeaArthur wrote:
See if you find a regular therapy group, not a social skills group. One thing about group therapy is you get feedback (both positive and negative) from your peers in the group. So they are de facto social skills groups, along with other things such as treatment for depression, anxiety, and social phobia.

I actually have a all male therapy group and it has helped. For instance one guy mentioned my demeanor is intense and confrontational. Trying to work, but I also screamed at him last week. Apperently I might scare folks. And I dont even know that is what I do. So, small steps.



commentsgohere0101
Hummingbird
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31 Aug 2018, 7:15 am

I've had similar work situations - moreso recently since I'm around more flaming normals, all women. It doesn't suit me. They pretend I assume "bad intentions", it's their pet phrase, when it is they who assume I am judging them. I feel picked on. I'm just not smiling at them like a deranged clown and am directly asking them questions they'd rather not answer. Ooops. I can't read the unwritten rules and words. So, I've been trying to explicitly learn the ones I'm still missing from books and workshops now that I know I'm "missing" something they feel is terribly important!

I have done a lot of reading - articles, Temple Grandin books, Michelle Garcia Winner for Socialthinking, and done some workshops (in addition to periodic pdoc appts.) that opened my eyes to the way normal people experience things. How is a story told and what is expected of you if you are the listener? Why is it bad to ask for details or share your experience during the story? Because it's all about "relating" and matching their emotional level to show you "get" them. Then, you can ask a follow up question that's fact based instead of emotion based. Wow. So much to think about if it's not your custom. Wish they had this when I was a kid. :(

You might try what I had to do at work to help with your situation: 1) stop "sounding" negative and literally turn your comments into a positive version of whatever you wanted to say, or don't say it - listen to the tone of your voice so it sounds "happy" and ends mid to high rather than low - yuck, I know, but it works! Normals hate energy vampires and go to work to have positive relationships. Really! 2) stop "confronting" as you say you've noticed you do. if you can let an error go, don't point it out. my people told me they do not want directness - basically they prefer extremely gentle communication and verbal over long emails. This, I still find the most exhausting and I screw it up.

I hope something helps. It's not fair that we get judged constantly and our choices are to try to hide our weaknesses better or claim a disability with HR that seems like a scary route to go. If it comes to it, you could try explaining in not so many words to your colleague what you have trouble with, like, "I'm not good at reading between the lines, if you'd like to give me feedback on my working style/project, you will need to tell me bluntly/clearly what you would like - I promise I won't be offended." I've used a version of this recently, "I'm really bad at/have trouble with filling out forms/following directions so I could get help reviewing it," without saying I have ASD.



BTDT
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31 Aug 2018, 9:03 am

Does your company pay for training courses? They may be very willing to pay for courses to show that they have done something to address the complaints they have received. I took a soft skills course run by an professional engineering society.