Page 1 of 1 [ 5 posts ] 

elusivesquirrelgirl
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

Joined: 25 Mar 2017
Age: 23
Gender: Female
Posts: 8
Location: Vermont

09 Jun 2018, 12:51 pm

I feel like I’m losing it.
Maybe I am.

So many people have called me crazy in my 21 years so far. I have over 10 accumulated diagnoses of different disorders; I have been prescribed over 12 psychotropic medications.
I was hospitalized again recently (about three months ago) and was released with diagnoses of a Bipolar Mixed Episode, PTSD, and OCD.

I don’t know what to do anymore, because nobody around me understands.
Not even doctors.

Getting down to it: I learned what autism was approximately one year and four months ago from today when I was 19 years old. I am always grateful to become less ignorant. However, I came to an unexpected suspicion about myself after I read more about traits in females, so I did one of the things I do best. Dive into learning about something specific (with more than a hint of obsession :wink: ).
I spent approximately a month researching before saying anything to the people I was closest to. I learned about the diversity evident in the spectrum and quickly recognized that I needed to respect that autism is not something that is easily understood.
So I made a post on these forums, in March of 2017. In it, I began to describe some of the reasons I thought I was on the spectrum. Unfortunately, as a new user, I am unable to provide a hyperlink to it to prevent SPAM - does anyone know if I can give it to you in the thread below? I'll try. Otherwise, I'll provide a comment detailing it; hopefully, it is useful.

Anyways, everyone here, on these forums, is kinder than most anyone I have encountered in the real world.
So the best reactions were left by you, the community.
But everyone else I knew? They didn’t let me attempt to explain; nobody wanted to listen. Nobody would even give a thought to believing me. I felt invalidated, betrayed - but there was nothing I could do. So I just kept living, best I could.

Naturally, a fair amount of time has transpired since. Yet what I had learned about autism stayed stuck in my head, my intuition persisted on about it.
So I did It, I reached out again. This time, to my friend whose young son has autism. She has also wondered about herself in this way. I asked her to read what I had written that time ago, and she asked me a few more questions. And then, she believed me, even going to far as to say “Out of 10? You’re an 8 or 9.”

Right now, it seems to be pushing its relevance into my face. Adult life entails a lot of stress, and it seems I am struggling to keep up. I’m exhausted just trying to participate in normal life.
But when I see myself through this lens, even my basic, everyday actions make more sense. Not to mention all kinds of past occurrences.
Is it necessary for me to create a list of all the instances of those, too? I could do it and probably find a pleasure in that organization, categorization, data. It’s marvelous how much can be learned through observation. But I have a hunch that the people around me might find it sort of strange for me to go about something like that.

I’m in therapy: I have a psychologist and a psychiatric nurse practitioner. Both are ridiculously expensive
for me because I’m barely supporting myself while trying to be a full-time student and work full time.
I started seeing them approximately 1.5 months ago (I just moved to a new state transferring universities), and I am TERRIFIED that they will not believe my case.
But! I have brought It up to my new therapist; I did so one week ago from today.
She took my 8-page long list I wrote that while ago, and told me she would talk to her team about it.
Then I saw her today, and she told me she hadn’t done that.
She seems like she is listening to me for the most part and has said I display many traits.
But there were also things about the interaction that made me nervous because it’s really hard for know what other people are thinking in complex adult interactions like these.

I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing.
I just wish somebody would really, truly listen to my perspective.
All I know is I desperately need the right kind of help.


_________________
Neurodiverse score: 156 out of 200
Neurotypical score: 55 out of 200


elusivesquirrelgirl
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

Joined: 25 Mar 2017
Age: 23
Gender: Female
Posts: 8
Location: Vermont

09 Jun 2018, 12:58 pm

Trying to show you the post here


_________________
Neurodiverse score: 156 out of 200
Neurotypical score: 55 out of 200


Arevelion
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 11 May 2018
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 348
Location: VT

09 Jun 2018, 3:31 pm

Ok I am a little short on time right now, so I can't read your other post just yet, but I promise I will.

In the mean time I will say that working a full time job and being an full time student is an incredible feat for an autistic person. I would burn if I tried that. Making list is always a good idea even if it makes you look strange. There's another guy on this site who documents everything that happens at his work place so he doesn't get framed.

As for psychiatrist; they're are good for prescribing meds, not much else for the simple reason that they tend not to want to research autism. In my experience they tend to think they know everything. What I do with my psychiatrist is research a bunch of drugs before hand to find out how they affect autistic people. Then I ask him questions. Any other use of a psychiatrist is a waste of money in my experience.

That's all I got for now. I will let you know if I think of something else.



beady
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 22 Sep 2013
Age: 61
Gender: Female
Posts: 567

09 Jun 2018, 4:36 pm

It sounds to me like you are making good progress understanding yourself. Honestly, it took me a lot longer to gain the perspective I needed to see myself clearly.
As the previous poster said, it is also tremendous that you are working and attending school. For now I would suggest keeping these your priority because your exact diagnosis will be whatever it will be and if you are able to function as you are then that diagnosis will clarify but perhaps not change alot in your life? Of course it's important to know.
I think you are taking the right steps. If your current medical professionals show a continued refusal to listen, acknowledge, and specifically address your concerns then it's time to find new professionals.
It may be possible to find a doctor that specializes in or at least knows and understands autism in adults.
Wishing you continued clarity!



Arevelion
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 11 May 2018
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 348
Location: VT

10 Jun 2018, 10:14 am

Read your other post.

Oh me, oh my. It's normal for us autistic people to research obsessively, but if there's one thing that makes you different from many of us, is that you are organized. It may yet save you. Also never be ashamed for being obsessive. It's the one edge we have over the NTs. I use my obsessiveness to research stocks and options, to out due NTs in stock trading.

Before I go, I must confess I can't help you if you are indeed "going nuts." I may be loosing my mind as well. I have been snapping at people at a moment's notice, having increasingly frequent meltdowns, all while forgetting important matters in my life. We are in the same boat.