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ThisAdamGuy
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20 Jun 2018, 9:39 pm

Hey guys, I need some opinions. I had a friend beta read chapter one of my new story, and he had some things to say about it, haha. I want to be objective, but I also don't want to have to rethink how literally everything works if I don't have to. So, here's the basic idea, followed by his opinion and then my opinion. Which one do you agree with more?

Setup: the Chimera Knights have magic bracers grafted to their arms and a bunch of gems. Each gem represents an animal, and putting it into the bracer partially turns them into that animal, giving them that animal's strengths or abilities until they remove it.

His opinion: "No matter how great the burden of creating a Chimera Knight is, you've almost entirely shifted it away from the knights themselves – all they have to worry about is the end product of the marble and bracer. Regardless of how much training is needed for effective combat, you've made chimericality (I hate how readily that set of letters sprang to my mind) a ready-made, externally provided tool, rather than an innate quality[...] Now, imagine things a different way. What if, instead of grabbing squrrel-hood out of a bag, Soli had to actually become a squirrel? Learning to think like an animal, to move like an animal, to know what that animal really is, in order to transform into one outwardly – this is much more meaningful than happening to be in the right branch of the king's forces to be given the right technology.[...] Look at Star Wars: Is Luke Skywalker defined by flying an X-Wing, wielding a lightsaber, or knowing the Force? Becoming a Jedi distinguishes his innate nature, and you can see it change him and grow him over the course of the trilogy from a naïve hothead into an unshakable master of his soul. What is he if you take that away? Still a character, even a good one, but a hell of a lot less of one."

My opinion: "The issue is that I already have the entire plot based off of the marble-bracer thing. We're going into spoiler territory here, but Tanuc isn't human. He's a raccoon (hence his name being a play on the word Tanuki), and he doesn't have any memory before he woke up with his father because that was the exact moment he became sentient. His father has been experimenting with wildings for years trying to create a gem that can turn an animal into a fully fledged human. He needs it because in his own efforts to transcend humanity (which involves dealings with ancient eldritch horrors) he has actually lost his human body and must consume other humans in order to temporarily obtain their form. That's why his face kept changing while he was putting the bracer on Tanuc, his human body was breaking down and he had to replace it with whichever one was next in line. That's why Hedroph took Tanuc away, because the gem that's hidden in Tanuc's bracer (the bubble above the indentation) has the power to give him a permanent human form. So while I like your idea, I'd have to either rethink how all of this works, or come up with a completely different story to tell with it."


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NorthWind
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22 Jun 2018, 10:49 am

First of all, I've read the part of the story you linked to in the other thread and I think the story is well done so far.

As for his opinion or your opinion. I think your concept of the story is much better. I don't agree with him that it makes a mayor difference whether the bracer grants them the ability or whether it's completely innate for their character development or for how interesting the knights are.
I don't think his concept of having to learn to think like a squirrel would add much to the story. Besides, to some extent that aspect could be still there even with the bracers. If they've been humans for a long time they may need to readjust to their chimera body and abilities once they transform.
The idea with the bracers seems much less ordinary than his alternative. Don't throw away a good concept for a story. As far as I can tell your beta readers complaints are purely about his personal preferences and not about anything that's relevant for the quality of your book.



ThisAdamGuy
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23 Jun 2018, 12:28 pm

Thanks! I've decided to use a little bit of his opinion. The gems that let chimeras turn into their different forms have a symbol etched into them. That symbol is the "true name" for an animal-- not an entire species, one singular animal. The chimera who uses it makes the symbol themselves, but in order to learn their true name they have to spend months, or even years, studying that animal so that they know literally everything about it. And even then, only that chimera will be able to use that gem, leading some people to wonder if the gems are really what does , or if they just act as a focus for the chimera.


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