How common are female aspies who haven't dated yet?

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hurtloam
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17 Aug 2018, 4:56 am

Yeah it's not really working for me though. I wait around, I don't get asked out. I do the asking, they're not really interested in me as more than friends.

I'm beginning to think romance is a lie.



Tequila
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17 Aug 2018, 5:05 am

hurtloam wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Sabreclaw wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
fifasy wrote:

In my opinion men make more of an effort to find women... than women make an effort to find men. Throughout my life I have seen men drink more alcohol... and take more risks than women. Because they have to! Generally speaking. But maybe Aspie women have to take more risks too. That was my thinking.


In my experience men don't make much effort. It's always me doing the asking and inviting. It really gets me down. No one seems to want to put themselves out there to get to know me. It's always down to me to try and organise the next meet up. I'm sick of it. I wish someone would like me enough to want to ask me out not always me asking them, putting myself forward and getting rejected in the long run. It's depressing.


In my case I don't actively ask out the women I'm interested in because I have low self esteem and know they'll reject me. Then I risk being seen as a creep and would have to abandon the entire social circle. Basically, asking a girl out could cost me everything, so I don't.



Generally, if you ever second guess whether a girl likes you or not then it’s 99% chance means she doesn’t.

Usually women are way less subtle in showing interest than us men, even when they think they are not being so obvious.

So yeah, you are doing it right.


Really? Generally, in the UK anyway, men have a reputation for not picking up on signals from women.


There's a culture in women's magazines of "Ooh, men are thick, aren't they?" - this culture can pose a problem I think.



Ecomatt91
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17 Aug 2018, 5:14 am

This conversation starting to get interesting. I think there something about personality and vibes with NTs these days. Social privileges and pressure making things happen only for them even if they stand around they still get asked out.

I met couple of people in my life who used to be shy, introverted and anxious, then one day changed them becoming a womaniser attracting lot of women having FWBs and dates.



HighLlama
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17 Aug 2018, 5:21 am

Ecomatt91 wrote:
This conversation starting to get interesting. I think there something about personality and vibes with NTs these days. Social privileges and pressure making things happen only for them even if they stand around they still get asked out.

I met couple of people in my life who used to be shy, introverted and anxious, then one day changed them becoming a womaniser attracting lot of women having FWBs and dates.


Keep defining yourself against these people and you're going to be miserable. Their lives are not easier than yours, just easier and harder in different ways. Rage is not exactly an aphrodisiac.


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alex
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17 Aug 2018, 5:39 am

HighLlama wrote:
Ecomatt91 wrote:
This conversation starting to get interesting. I think there something about personality and vibes with NTs these days. Social privileges and pressure making things happen only for them even if they stand around they still get asked out.

I met couple of people in my life who used to be shy, introverted and anxious, then one day changed them becoming a womaniser attracting lot of women having FWBs and dates.


Keep defining yourself against these people and you're going to be miserable. Their lives are not easier than yours, just easier and harder in different ways. Rage is not exactly an aphrodisiac.


I know autistic people who have never had trouble getting dates without trying and I know autistic people who have struggled their entire lives. I do think we have a lot more issues with the social skills surrounding dating and we may take longer to learn what to do, but once we figure it out, it can become easy for us.

I can say that when I was in high school, I didn't have a girlfriend until my senior year. I struggled throughout college because I had no idea how to date, or even ask someone out (Now I realize that it's as simple as saying "let's go on a date).

Something changed in my mid 20s where I began to feel at ease. After having a few relationships, I gradually realized that I would not be alone for the rest of my life. Although after each of my first few breakups, I worried that I had lost my only chance for love and that was it..

The feeling that I don't need a relationship has made it so many more people are attracted to me. I guess this is confidence as well as me communicating that I'm not desperate and I have options...


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rdos
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17 Aug 2018, 6:35 am

alex wrote:
I know autistic people who have never had trouble getting dates without trying and I know autistic people who have struggled their entire lives.


Yes, because relationship preferences are not part of ASD diagnosis. It's just a correlated "variable".

alex wrote:
I do think we have a lot more issues with the social skills surrounding dating and we may take longer to learn what to do, but once we figure it out, it can become easy for us.


I'd disagree with that. For those that don't have typical relationship preferences, social skills is not a factor in getting into a worthwhile relationship. Understanding yourself and being natural is the way to succeed for those.

alex wrote:
I can say that when I was in high school, I didn't have a girlfriend until my senior year. I struggled throughout college because I had no idea how to date, or even ask someone out (Now I realize that it's as simple as saying "let's go on a date).


I had nonverbal "connections" with one girl in high school and another in college. They never proceeded to a real relationship, and there was no dating, but I understood much later that this was how it worked naturally. Thankfully, I had no idea about dating back then, and I didn't have social skills training, so I went the natural way.

alex wrote:
Something changed in my mid 20s where I began to feel at ease. After having a few relationships, I gradually realized that I would not be alone for the rest of my life. Although after each of my first few breakups, I worried that I had lost my only chance for love and that was it..

The feeling that I don't need a relationship has made it so many more people are attracted to me. I guess this is confidence as well as me communicating that I'm not desperate and I have options...


If you feel dating is natural I'm sure you will eventually succeed, but for those of us that don't, training more to become unnatural is not the way to proceed.



rdos
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17 Aug 2018, 6:42 am

Ecomatt91 wrote:
This conversation starting to get interesting. I think there something about personality and vibes with NTs these days. Social privileges and pressure making things happen only for them even if they stand around they still get asked out.


Of course. It's pretty subtle things that are involved with NTs and interest. It's actually the same for NDs since it is extremely hard to spot when two NDs have interest for each other.

Ecomatt91 wrote:
I met couple of people in my life who used to be shy, introverted and anxious, then one day changed them becoming a womaniser attracting lot of women having FWBs and dates.


For what good? Are they happier now?



fifasy
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17 Aug 2018, 5:11 pm

hurtloam wrote:
Yeah it's not really working for me though. I wait around, I don't get asked out. I do the asking, they're not really interested in me as more than friends.

I'm beginning to think romance is a lie.


I think you're brave for asking men out, that's cool. I wish women did that more. Life would be easier for men!!

Would being more playful help? Instead of asking men out.. why not ask them for a "dat"? Tell them it's like a date but it's different. There are no obligations, it's just a carefree experience.

Look up what your Chinese Zodiac sign is. And see the love advice for that. That can be helpful too.



hurtloam
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17 Aug 2018, 5:18 pm

Well, I just got rejected again. So I'm still very much in this never been in a relationship category.

I'm heartbroken. It gets worse every time because I always think, "a ha, this is the one I've been waiting for. This person makes all those lonely years worth it." But it always turns out they weren't really interested in me at all.

I feel like an idiot.



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17 Aug 2018, 5:19 pm

rdos wrote:
Ecomatt91 wrote:
This conversation starting to get interesting. I think there something about personality and vibes with NTs these days. Social privileges and pressure making things happen only for them even if they stand around they still get asked out.


Of course. It's pretty subtle things that are involved with NTs and interest. It's actually the same for NDs since it is extremely hard to spot when two NDs have interest for each other.

Ecomatt91 wrote:
I met couple of people in my life who used to be shy, introverted and anxious, then one day changed them becoming a womaniser attracting lot of women having FWBs and dates.


For what good? Are they happier now?


Not really - they became pretentious acting like socially privileged NTs with so many same NTs problems such as poor communication, poor relationship skills and got caught in traps such as STI's, mental health issues etc.

If NT experts seeing ASD people have difficulties in understanding communication, social skills and relationships then that is their perspective. Remember we are all advocates against medicialising our disability. NTs also have lack of communication and social skills especially those in their teens, 20s and early 30s. If you look at those NTs what they do especially when and where they hang out with their friends. It is a same when psychologists says to Autistic people have issues with repetitive and obsessions. Coincidentally, those NTs who go to same nightclubs and party environments each Fridays and Saturdays - drink same beer/wine and the way they talk with their friends it also falls same category of what experts see us Aspies doing for ourselves rather than with people.

The problem is NT against ASD. I seen other post about ND vs ND struggle in connecting each others. This goes back to point 1 - everybody is different! That we mean general population is different. Autistic people are incredibly diverse, even more diverse than NTs. So in relation to this, lack of empathy from NTs towards Autistic people is incredibly exposed. There so many research studies saying why and how NTs struggle to understand Autism and what ways to approach them.

When Autistic people are still learning about communication and social skills due to delayed process from young age - NTs also a same too. They lack of empathy skills and dealing with change. Hell I met quite few Aspie females struggling in relationships with NT males but they still together. So why stigmatise Aspie males for being single because he is different than females?

I smell something fishy and dodgy going on in this society.



fifasy
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17 Aug 2018, 5:21 pm

hurtloam wrote:
Well, I just got rejected again. So I'm still very much in this never been in a relationship category.

I'm heartbroken. It gets worse every time because I always think, "a ha, this is the one I've been waiting for. This person makes all those lonely years worth it." But it always turns out they weren't really interested in me at all.

I feel like an idiot.


Sorry. I'm mad about a Canadian actress at the moment who I probably have no chance of ever being with. I sent her a couple of Twitter messages and never got a response. I kind of feel your pain. Unrequited love is a real b***h.



rdos
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18 Aug 2018, 8:50 am

Ecomatt91 wrote:
The problem is NT against ASD. I seen other post about ND vs ND struggle in connecting each others. This goes back to point 1 - everybody is different! That we mean general population is different. Autistic people are incredibly diverse, even more diverse than NTs. So in relation to this, lack of empathy from NTs towards Autistic people is incredibly exposed. There so many research studies saying why and how NTs struggle to understand Autism and what ways to approach them.


You cannot expect to understand NTs or NDs as a phenotype. Also, ASD is a collection of traits that psychiatry has decided are part of a disorder, and such a basis cannot be used to understand NDs. So, first, you need to define something that has not been biased as a disorder by psychiatry (which is what I've done, and what I call ND). Still, even such concept would not be a phenotype, but a spectrum. Both NT and ND people are on a spectrum and not a phenotype. So, the primary reason why autistic people are so diverse is that the ASD diagnosis is not a useful concept, rather the label can be set on both people that have many NT-traits, and that have many ND-traits.

Ecomatt91 wrote:
When Autistic people are still learning about communication and social skills due to delayed process from young age - NTs also a same too. They lack of empathy skills and dealing with change. Hell I met quite few Aspie females struggling in relationships with NT males but they still together. So why stigmatise Aspie males for being single because he is different than females?


ND females have other problems in the relationship area than ND males. It's easier for them to find a date and getting sex, but I doubt it is easier for them to get into a good relationship.



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18 Aug 2018, 9:58 am

Yes theres a lot of inherent problems for ND women in relationships and I think that there should be some serious education for asd females about relationships provided early on in the school system. Specifically about all the things they probably wont realise, and all the pitfalls that come with being neurodiverse. Its not enough to let people find this out through trial and error.



Tequila
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18 Aug 2018, 10:41 am

fifasy wrote:
Sorry. I'm mad about a Canadian actress at the moment who I probably have no chance of ever being with. I sent her a couple of Twitter messages and never got a response. I kind of feel your pain. Unrequited love is a real b***h.


It's harassment. You harassed an actress on Twitter.



Ecomatt91
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18 Aug 2018, 5:20 pm

Babi dwr wrote:
Yes theres a lot of inherent problems for ND women in relationships and I think that there should be some serious education for asd females about relationships provided early on in the school system. Specifically about all the things they probably wont realise, and all the pitfalls that come with being neurodiverse. Its not enough to let people find this out through trial and error.


I agreed with rdos and you. I seen all ASD and/or ND females in my met who I already told you all who are in relationships or lesbians (lack of singles) they have weird relationships with their boyfriends. I tried to make friends with them first, and they kept pressuring me like how a NT toxic people treats me.

I just wish there is a reset button for my life because it so hard for me to find right people. New people are also toxic too! Couldnt escape this toxic society.



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18 Aug 2018, 6:29 pm

I haven't been diagnosed with Aspergers, but I didn't date until I was 20 years old. And that was only online. When I was 23, I stopped having romantic relationships with men online and was not interested again until the age of 29. I still do not feel like an average adult. I feel younger and much much older in some respects. I began talking with a man on these forums in 2012 who said he had Aspergers and seemed to understand my many difficulties with the adult world. I fell in love with him for mostly that reason, and we have remained together ever since then. I think our little relationship experience before each other was helpful in cementing our bond. If we had been "normal" with regards to dating and having a relationship, perhaps we would not have found the other so reachable, attainable, or attractive.


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