We as Aspies should stop trying to make friends/relationship

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Sahn
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17 Aug 2018, 9:29 am

rick42 wrote:
unimatrix001 wrote:
Yeah I feel like giving up sometimes too. I haven't had a friend since high school (and even then it was only one sort-of friend who was also aspergery). For a long time I was okay with being alone but it's really starting to eat at me now. I've realized that I've failed at every chance I had to make friends (beginning of high school, beginning of college, beginning of graduate school). Every time it's the same pattern of trying to be social but not quite making strong enough connections with anyone, not getting invited to things, and eventually being the odd one out. I've been thinking of trying to "join clubs" or something, or maybe taking martial arts classes. But it seems like the chances of that resulting in friendships are low at my age. Even normies struggle to make friends after college.

I don't think I'm going to give up just yet though. I'll give it a few more years and then if I'm still alone at like 30 I'll probably just accept it.



I have already accepted the fact that I will be friendless and will not be in any relationship for the rest of my life.Fitting in with society is a bad idea for Aspies considering we will never be accepted anyway. Personally we should simply accept ourselves as Aspies, and stop trying to have romantic relationship or friendships with non Aspie/Autistic people,regardless if the person is a extroverted or a introverted/shy person becasue we are vastly different from them, and have absolutely nothing in common with any NT(non Autistic/Aspie person)at all.

Ever heard of a self fulfilling prophesy? I've hope life surprises you with lots of unexpected friendships.



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17 Aug 2018, 10:13 pm

You know guys, if you see any of these types of posts, just stop or avoid replying to them. It's obvious that the OP won't change his mind at this point. I said this in another one of the threads he started.

To the OP:
I hate to break it to you, but if you are posting this kind of bullsh!t just for attention, then you are doing it the WRONG way.


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Mythos
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18 Aug 2018, 3:32 pm

I'm kind of OK making friends, just that I often find it hard to tell if somebody's a friend or simply an acquaintance. I'm in a relationship and have been for almost three years. But I do sometimes prefer to be by myself.

I have a few friends, and one or two close friends. I think it's a matter of finding those with shared interests.



AquaineBay
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18 Aug 2018, 5:26 pm

Sometimes I do feel like making friends or having a romantic relationship seems impossible for me but I just don't want to give up because then I would continue being lonely and depressed and that sucks.

I try talking to people but they seem uninterested and bored(or I just assume so because after years of being rejected it's hard to think otherwise.) Then there is also the fact that I only talk about very few things and have interest in few things and that I'm also a very private person.

I want to agree and say I should stop trying but that would be like giving up and I hate having to just give up on something. I do think about it though because being rejected is a painful experience.


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Joe90
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18 Aug 2018, 6:47 pm

warrier120 wrote:
You know guys, if you see any of these types of posts, just stop or avoid replying to them. It's obvious that the OP won't change his mind at this point. I said this in another one of the threads he started.

To the OP:
I hate to break it to you, but if you are posting this kind of bullsh!t just for attention, then you are doing it the WRONG way.


Yes, I suppose we're hitting our heads against a brick wall by replying to his stupid threads. It's absolutely getting us nowhere. The OP thinks every single Aspie in the whole world is just like him.
If the OP wants attention, then he should just post a Trump thread. Threads with "Trump" in the title get lots of attention. OP, instead of badmouthing NTs and trying to convince us that all NTs hate all Aspies, go and post a thread about some boring American politics.


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PearlsofWisdom
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18 Aug 2018, 8:29 pm

[quote="rick42'']

I see no point to continue to desire something that I can't have.I made the mistake of trying be social for almost 30 years,and it led to rejection each and every single time.I also didn't realize until recently that Aspies will always have the lack of natural social skills, no matter how hard we try to improve our social skills, because that is one of the main symptoms of Asperger's/Autism. Of course we have other issues besides lack of social skills due to AS/ASD,but one of the main issues that we as Aspies have to deal is the lack of natural social skills. Our brains are wired a lot differently than anyone else and it makes to the point where it is extremely difficult to make friends or romantic relationships,oftentimes to the point where there's no point in trying.If you have friends or a romantic partner,that's great,but realize that most people with AS/ASD tend have no friends or romantic relationships due to not having the need to and/or becasue of social difficulties.[/quote]

I wonder if you seek out acquaintances or references to act out your own self fulfilling prophecy, as you come to pass judgement to those across a wider spectrum than you deemed imaginable or even necessary for funding your own pursuit of happiness?
It is reasonable to say that without a doubt, communication and social interaction in general is a mountain of cross wired information but the real argument and problem is that no one ever sees it. However, going around judging and hating people out of self loathing is only going to make you and everyone else around you feel they are trying too hard or that they shouldn't even try.
Please think carefully about how you approach this conversation in future as another topic could prove already futile.



Stardust Parade
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25 Aug 2018, 6:37 pm

You're full of BS OP. No wonder you have NO friends!



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25 Aug 2018, 6:54 pm

Stardust Parade wrote:
You're full of BS OP. No wonder you have NO friends!

Well said!


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ck990
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26 Aug 2018, 12:15 am

I am a 22 year old aspie. I have zero friends, I don't know what to talk about with other people and other people ignore me or don't find me interesting. I am clueless how to make friendships and maintain them.

My attempts at interactions with neurotypicals is like Sisyphus pushing the rock towards the top of the hill. For example I am clueless what to talk about with other people and when I do the conversations are dissatisfyingly short.

Part of the reason it feels for me to be like Sisyphus is because when I want the conversation to last longer, I run out of thoughts and inspiration what to say next and so the conversation breaks, its not 100% just me, the neurotypical doesn't give a damn about me and would rather talk with another neurotypical when our conversation is over. Why do I always have to be the first person to initiate a conversation, why do I always have to be the one to
"break the ice"? Why don't we put mutual effort into a conversation.

As someone who failed to make friends, has zero friends currently and has had only one true friend in my entire life I haven't quit not attempting to make friends.

I am very pessimistic that I will have friends, let alone a girlfriend, in the future. I feel hopeless too.

You said, if I fail and fail, what's the point of trying?

My current mental attitude is that I don't expect that I will ever have friends and that I might die alone. I admit that I don't know for certain whether I will ever have friends in my life or I won't. And as much as its brutal for others to accept that fact its just as brutal for me.

Friendships and relationships are a essential part of being human. Without it I would go insane and since humans are social creatures, social isolation and being a hermit is damaging for our mental health, as I have witnessed.

The reason why I can't quit trying to socialize despite my hopeless and depressing situation is that friendships and relationships are a basic need like eating, sleeping or having a roof over my head. I cannot ignore my basic needs. I am aware that having friends is what makes us human and meaningful friendships are a crucial part of the human experience.

I can only try like Sisyphus to try day after day in my attempt to put the rock on the top of the hill. I have no other choice no matter how hopeless and depressing my reality is, I can't force myself to be a hermit when I can't. Which means that I am human, just like everybody else, longing for friendships and wanting people to accept me for the way I am.


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auntblabby
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26 Aug 2018, 1:57 am

ck990 wrote:
I am a 22 year old aspie. I have zero friends, I don't know what to talk about with other people and other people ignore me or don't find me interesting. I am clueless how to make friendships and maintain them.
My attempts at interactions with neurotypicals is like Sisyphus pushing the rock towards the top of the hill. For example I am clueless what to talk about with other people and when I do the conversations are dissatisfyingly short.

that was me at your age [and a long ways afterwards until recently] as well. you are not alone in this. but if you maintain your patience and stick with life until you're old like me :bigsmurf: I would bet you will get better at it, simply from the additional years of accumulated knowledge you will have. that stuff will reach a critical mass and start creating novelty out from itself. part of learning conversation is to watch other conversations and study them, figure out where they went off the tracks and where they could be improved, eventually it will break through into your life. that has been my experience and although your mileage may vary, you could in fact do better than me at least. you might be smarter than me, IOW and have better luck with it.
ck990 wrote:
Part of the reason it feels for me to be like Sisyphus is because when I want the conversation to last longer, I run out of thoughts and inspiration what to say next and so the conversation breaks, its not 100% just me, the neurotypical doesn't give a damn about me and would rather talk with another neurotypical when our conversation is over. Why do I always have to be the first person to initiate a conversation, why do I always have to be the one to "break the ice"? Why don't we put mutual effort into a conversation.

part of it is a karmic lesson, just as you wish somebody would notice you, there are countless other people who wish people would notice them, and engage them in conversation, pay them some attention, validate their humanity. I look so different from the typical person my age, that there are often enough a few brave souls, curious, who will chat me up, or invite me clearly, to chat them up.

ck990 wrote:
As someone who failed to make friends, has zero friends currently and has had only one true friend in my entire life I haven't quit not attempting to make friends. I am very pessimistic that I will have friends, let alone a girlfriend, in the future. I feel hopeless too. You said, if I fail and fail, what's the point of trying? My current mental attitude is that I don't expect that I will ever have friends and that I might die alone. I admit that I don't know for certain whether I will ever have friends in my life or I won't. And as much as its brutal for others to accept that fact its just as brutal for me.

I am curious about the "one true friend" you described- [if you don't mind talking about it] is this person online or offline, and what is happening with this friend now?

ck990 wrote:
Friendships and relationships are a essential part of being human. Without it I would go insane and since humans are social creatures, social isolation and being a hermit is damaging for our mental health, as I have witnessed. The reason why I can't quit trying to socialize despite my hopeless and depressing situation is that friendships and relationships are a basic need like eating, sleeping or having a roof over my head. I cannot ignore my basic needs. I am aware that having friends is what makes us human and meaningful friendships are a crucial part of the human experience.

have you had one online friend?
ck990 wrote:
I can only try like Sisyphus to try day after day in my attempt to put the rock on the top of the hill. I have no other choice no matter how hopeless and depressing my reality is, I can't force myself to be a hermit when I can't. Which means that I am human, just like everybody else, longing for friendships and wanting people to accept me for the way I am.

I didn't meet people until I was forced to join the military. what do you think about the military?



ck990
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26 Aug 2018, 3:17 am

Quote:
I am curious about the "one true friend" you described- [if you don't mind talking about it] is this person online or offline, and what is happening with this friend now?


I don't know what happened to him, I am not in contact with him because he lives in another country. The reason why my friendship ended is because my father told me to pack up my things and return to my country. Me and my former friend live in different countries.
He was a real friend, not a online friend.

Quote:
have you had one online friend?


Online friends are not friends and they will never will be, unless an online relationship becomes a real relationship.

To me the definition of friendship is strict. To me a friend is not every person you hang out with, let alone someone who accepted you on Facebook. Many people have a rather loose definition of friendship and that's why they cannot differentiate "friends" from friends.

Quote:
I didn't meet people until I was forced to join the military. what do you think about the military?


It could be a better place to meet new people, because people live closer to each other unlike school for example.

Military might improve my life in four ways:

1. I lack discipline and a father figure, I am also semi-lazy, it might improve my discipline because I feel a need for self-discipline in order to succeed in life.

2. I dreamed to be an athletic, physically healthy and physically strong person throughout my entire childhood but my parents didn't give a damn about financing my sport when I was a child, and I was often hungry and had only one meal per day, how can I grow muscles and be strong when I don't put weight.
I feel robbed of physical exercise and training, which is one of the most important thing for a child besides play.
I am currently physically weak. And military might improve my physical well-being, physical health and physical strength.

3. Courage and boldness are virtues that I aspire to have and the military might improve my courage and boldness. I don't have enough courage and boldness that I wish to have.

4. A higher chance to meet new people than for example school, is one more good reason to join military.


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auntblabby
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26 Aug 2018, 3:24 am

^^^^sounds like a :idea: just illuminated in your thinking. :idea: IMHO the service least likely to send you to a foreign land, would be the coast guard. it is run by the department of transportation and not part of the department of defense, it's mission is the homeland.



ck990
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26 Aug 2018, 3:32 am

auntblabby wrote:
^^^^sounds like a :idea: just illuminated in your thinking. :idea: IMHO the service least likely to send you to a foreign land, would be the coast guard. it is run by the department of transportation and not part of the department of defense, it's mission is the homeland.


I don't live in USA.


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auntblabby
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26 Aug 2018, 3:37 am

ck990 wrote:
auntblabby wrote:
^^^^sounds like a :idea: just illuminated in your thinking. :idea: IMHO the service least likely to send you to a foreign land, would be the coast guard. it is run by the department of transportation and not part of the department of defense, it's mission is the homeland.


I don't live in USA.

then you're probably in better luck in this regard. your nation won't as likely send you to foreign lands to do their dirty work.



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26 Aug 2018, 11:34 am

I wrote this a little bit ago to my mother about this topic. I don't believe that we can't have any relationships (I'm married to an NT) but I do believe we have to face the reality that we won't have many. I'd love to meet other aspies women just to feel less alone but it's not like we are the type to go hang out on crowds looking for friendship.

"If you believe the entire purpose of life is walking and then you're in a wheelchair, you either have to redefine your purpose of life or you're going to kill yourself. I defined the purpose of life as relationships for the majority of my life. I will have very few if any relationships ever. the ones I do have will occasionally make me feel like Alice in Wonderland and will make me lose my grip on reality. The more people that are in my life the more Up Is Down and Down is up. I have to redefine a purpose for life that doesn't include people. I like the trees and I like animals. I have to find a safe space for myself inside my own head. And I have to come to terms with being alone. I know you love me as do others but I am alone. I have no one in my life that walks on this ground with me everybody else is walking on clouds and I have no clue how they're doing it."



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26 Aug 2018, 6:26 pm

'Tis actually an interesting question: just how much human contact do we need/how to live with social isolation (if possible)...
There are lots of movies, where the main character, who is a genius, goes away from everyone to do his own thing and invents some secret thing, (those type of characters make me jealous). Maybe, that's a myth, though.
I'd say, even smart people need others, so they could show them their achievements and share their thoughts, help them in some way. Without others even geniuses would give up on their things...
Try talking to experts/specialists more. They may be more inspiring)
(Weird random sidenote: I've just realized that I've only seen 1 aspie in real life, who isn't a relative)