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Ilikemusic
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

Joined: 13 May 2018
Gender: Male
Posts: 311
Location: Los Angeles

15 Jul 2018, 1:18 am

I feel like everybody in my life doesnt like me.I have moments where I feel like I am fake.It makes me stop in my tracks.I feel like people are disappointed in me and that Im a bad person. This causes extreme guilt. I sometimes have really bad suicide ideation. But it doesnt seem like a big deal when it is happening.It just feels like an emotion I have. Then it goes away.It comes back so bad though. I dont think it can be fixed with meds. I took them once and felt too euphoric. Like I was high. It lasted for a long time.My life is just kinda falling apart right now but it is great. I have these amazing moments. But they feel so temporary. Like they are cheap.

When I am very happy I get suspicious. It usually means I am going to feel very disappointed. I have these really great feelings though, like I know secrets of the world. I get so disappointed that I cant pass the feeling.

Then I have these feelings like there are people who watch me on my walk to school. They judge my outfits, my hair and my walk. They definitely think I act like an idiot. I walk too confidently. Im trying too hard. They think I do dumb things. Every walk feels like a mission. I cross random streets. Sometimes Im late for school because of this. I need to ignore it.

Walking home from school is a mission too. I avoid many streets too. I walk with my friend but people definitely think I should not be his friend. They think Im stupid and desperate. I walk when he bikes on his bmx. (Its something else, Im protecting my anonymity). They think im too tall.

I need to relax. I shouldnt think about it. I have good things. I know a bit about my past lives. I am also one of those people that can sort of manipulate things subconciously. For example a math test I was supposed to have was postponed for 3 days for no great reason. Then my teacher suddenly had to leave for the afternoon. A homework assignment was due. I asked for it to happen. That feeling of doing that stuff is beyond amazing. Im certainly on fates good side.

People really dont believe me though. Apparently past lives dont exist. They certainly do. Ghosts exist too. There is more proof for their existence. I have experienced it myself.

Wtf is happening? I dont understand right now. I know a lot. I could write a book. I should do that. It would definitely help me not feel so depressed. Im gonna write everything.

Im floating on air right now. I cant stop laughing right now. Im thinking of thjngs that happened earlier but Im thinking about my life. Im foolish sometimes.

I have so much potential in my life..my depression keeps me down. Im levitating kind of. I feel light. I just want to forget it all.
My family has no idea


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jimmy m
Veteran
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Joined: 30 Jun 2018
Age: 72
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,691
Location: Indiana

15 Jul 2018, 7:30 pm

Maybe you should talk with your family. When I was in school I went through some very rough times with bullying. I never told my parents. I felt it was my problem to fix. But I really could have used their help and advise.


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