learning behaviours, sensory issues and social awkwardness??

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Just to say I'm not professionally diagnosed with HFA though I am going to have an assessment as it has been suggested by my therapist who's helped me with my Pure O ocd, but it will be really hard as I'm a girl...

I don't know if anyone else does this or not but, I'm either a complete chatterbox and would not shut up (plus I was really loud and still am, and when i talk about something i'm really passionate about I talk forever) or I am completely quiet and I don't know when I should talk; and as a child through school I learnt that by putting up my hand I was able to talk, so I started doing this in general conversations and I still do it now. Anyone else???

Now... on to sensory issues:
Whenever I go to shopping centers I feel uncomfortable, the crowd of people makes me feel uncomfortable, the smells and noise make me feel uncomfortable; to put it simply I feel like a tiny speck surrounded by a thick dense smog and I'm in the thick of it, I kinda start looking around frantically because I don't know what to focus my attention on, because there's just too much and it's like my brain can't keep up, I've never had a meltdown in public as such; to get over this I kind of overcompensate and I come off as really confident to others though I'm really not and it's all just a facade. And when I'm upstairs by myself and someone's downstairs I can hear them even if they're not talking loudly, but I hear them as if they're talking to my face, but when someone is talking to my face I zone out. I can't sleep without earbuds, and as a child I couldn't wear things like skirts and dresses or thing with tags, because I felt uncomfortable with the way the fabric brushed my knees or bunched up in my waist area and tags were just straight up uncomfortable, same with sequins (still can't wear those). I haven't always been the best with touch, though now I've learnt that it's okay with family and only a few close friends. This one time I had what I'd describe as a Meltdown and my brother tried to comfort me and he reached his hand towards me and I shouted at him "Don't touch me" I was never really the best with hugs as a kid either, though when I hugged someone voluntarily I was fine.

Social awkwardness:
As a child I would play different from other kids, I couldn't role play with others well, because everything had to be under my rules and my way, I'd get bossy and really specific. I preferred hanging out with older people, because I could relate to them more, or the boys in my year, because everything just seemed easier with them. Hanging out with the few friends I had was tiring, because there was so much I couldn't understand as such and I felt different from them, so I'd often go off by myself as if I was trying to escape from them. I had a lot of issues keeping friends then and now actually, because I can be very blunt and stubborn, and I've been bullied a couple times. I was also very naive in primary school, because the girls I realise now who didn't like me, I thought they did.
When it came to secondary school I became something like a dwindled down version of myself, and it didn't help that I'd been self conscious of myself and how others percieved me up until that point. I ended up becoming friends with the wrong kind of people, because I always felt it but denied it, and it was that feeling of being treat differently and being different, so I tried being like them and I this one time I picked on a girl I knew nothing about, my "friends" turned around and looked at me and said "why would you do that?" I was really confused,because I acted like them, but they still didn't accept me. After that they started blatantly bullying me and I left and was on my own for about 2 months
Then i found a group of friends who were quirky like me, but I still felt out of it, because I can never really feel like I'm accepted in a friendship or with others, it always feels forced or not right. Sometimes I'd come home exhausted from my day at school and I'd just cry, due to feeling like I'm useless because I'm so awkward... or I'd go to the nearest empty toilet in school in cry and I'll stim e.g. bite to the point of bruising or stab with finger nails to the point I break my skin, or when I feel a little anxious I might flap my hands a little and click my fingers or count in pattern sequences, or I'll make sounds such as clicking etc...
Recently I had a starter week at a sixth form I'm about to join in September and we had a free period so I went down to the field by myself (I often keep to myself and I stay at home a lot reading manga or watching anime/ playing games...) it's sort of like an escape from reality for me, and this is what this was; because for the whole week I'd felt like I was forcing myself to fake smile and laugh, even when i really didn't want to because I wanted to come off as normal and I wanted to make friends, so to escape from that exhaustion I went to the field where no one was and I planned to just sit in nature for the whole hour, but I found some year 13 pupils and I was nervous at first but they welcomed me over and we hit it off, I had fun for the first time in the whole week (again I get along better with older people)
During that week I had another stressful experience; we were in a small meeting of about 20 people for the music academy that was more like a meet and greet, and while everyone one else was talking and having fun I was frantically looking around to see who I could talk to, I felt alienated and useless, because all these people could talk to each other so easily and I failed to do just that, I wanted to talk to them but I didn't know if I was allowed to, I was ready to run out of there and find the nearest toilet to cry in, all the noise around me became a blur as if it was jumbled together and I could feel tears pricking up... I'd felt this way many a time in secondary school, this feeling of isolation and being different and to deal with it I'd pinch my side, hard, or I'd claw at the back of my neck/ stare out the window and zone out again; it's like I have myself watching from the inside as the outer Lily does the complete opposite of what I want to do.

Sorry this is so long, I was never the best at bullet points

You must be pretty accomplished to be in Sixth Form at age 15.

hey lily, you know, i feel like i'm reading something from my old diary when i was about your age ( wow im sounding old ahah)

I really feel everything you are saying. Like you, I was also (still am) super into manga and anime and used them as an escape. I think i was exactly 15 when i would sometimes spend my lunches in the toilet to avoid people or trying real hard to fit in with others.

By the sound of it, though, people like you and you just need to gain more self confidence and let 'inner lily' out for the world to see (sorry if it sounds horribly cheesy)

my advice would be to capitalise on your strengths. your hobbies, quirks etc can be a good starting point to form relationships with like minded people (they exist - they just need finding). find someone who gets your sense of humour and world view and you'll feel like you have an ally and slowly your confidence will grow.

good luck!

Welcome Lily. I wish I'd had this forum when I was 15. Of course, we didn't even have computers when I was 15. Oh, well. You have a lot on the ball and have made a good start at understanding yourself and you can learn how to get by in these difficult situations. Lots of people here on the forum have talked about many of these same issues.

I relate a lot to your experiences as another young autistic female. Good luck in your assessment!

Thank you so much everyone. It overjoys me to see that people have read and replied to my post, Thank you again

Welcome to Wrong Planet, I think a lot of those things you describe do indeed sound like HFA and sound quite relatable.

This was pretty much me as a kid. I was also diagnosed as having OCD too. For a while I just thought it meant it was because I liked to clean and liked having a clean house and because I would get fixated on topics and often day dream in school and I saw nothing wrong with having OCD other than not being able to not day dream.