I blew this chance for my daughter

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My daughter is 21 and attends social connections with adults on the autism spectrum, pizza and board games and socialisation, once a month. I've known the co ordinator on and off since my child was 14 through our commonality of our children. My daughter got a text from the co ordinator inviting her to her sons's 20th birthday. Her son has asked my daughter numerous times to 'hang out' and daughter wont verbalise or assert her feelings and thoughts verbally, so I'm protective and guys are asking and getting interested in her, she's practically non verbal with others and in public.

I asked this co ordinator on the phone if they would be xbox/gaming later on in the evening of her son's birthday. She exploded and got very defensive with me and asked me if I thought they were ferals and would be drinking. I asked further on in the conversation if her son was interested in having a girlfriend and she accused me of saying her son is gay. I only needed to ask this to protect my daughter at a birthday party because he has continually asked her to 'hang out' and I wouldnt be at this party. I was going to ask her to keep an eye on my daughter as parties are very difficult for her. I asked her if I was annoying her by simply wanting to find out how my daughter could feel comfortable and she took great offense. How did it go so bad. I have felt that she being co ordinator and having a son who is very social and loud has tried to put my daughter in a box and she simply doesnt fit that box. I would have thought she be more insightful and with deeper knowledge of autism than this.
thanks for reading. Feel free to comment

Would your daughter like to attend this birthday party?

I still dont know, she wont verbalise and will beat about the bush with non verbal responses that are unclear. I keep telling her, if she doesnt make it clear what she does or doesnt want people and me will get the wrong idea of what she wants to do and she could up doing and going to things she doesnt want.

You didn't blow anything. You dodged a big bullet. I don't know what that woman's problem is but I would stay away from her.

In all likeliness, the genetic traits of autism probably came from this mother.

That's the thing. You'd think it'll be easier to autistic people to hang together and understand each other. But in reality, that's often not the case. For a reason, most of my best friends through life have been on the neurotypical side. And I did marry a neurotypical person.

I remember when I was working in my first non-academic job. A male co-worker kept telling me that I should go out with a female co-worker (who was the sister of a third co-worker). So, I called the girl to say hi. She reported me to her supervisor for harassment. Ha ha. I mean, I had to laugh. I just wondered how in this kind of environment humans managed not to be extinct. When I told the guy that suggested me to approach the girl, he just had to shake his head. I was like: there you go, genius, thanks for your suggestion.

Another example: I lived with a roommate in my postdoc, and got acquainted with some of his friends. One day, my roommate and I went to a bookstore/cafe together. It was a really funny experience: I recognized this girl, friend of my roommate, sitting there. So, I smiled at her as we walked closer. Because of the angle from where we were walking, the girl only saw me but not my roommate. As I walked closer and smiled more, her face turned nastier and nastier (as if saying: "I am not interested, don't you get it?") She obviously did not recognize/remember me. Until we got close enough, she finally saw my roommate's face, then and only then did she realize why I was smiling and she then greeted us. I am not sure who was more embarrassed that day.

Another time: while chatting in a group about products to help removing scars, I told a lady that where I came from we use this mosqueta rose oil. I thought it was well-known worldwide. She looked at me and asked me with incredulous eyes: what did you say you used? "Mosquito" oil? That was it. Gosh, I knew I could never erase the image of squashed mosquitos from her mind, nor the image that I must have come from some bizarre third-world country. I never recommended mosqueta rose oil to anyone afterwards: it's a problem in English.

The point is, as they say: this too shall pass. To the OP, I would suggest to take it lightheartedly. It's a good story to tell your grandchildren when you get older. Without such stories, life would be boring.

From what you've written, I have a difficult time understanding how this woman got to the conclusions she did, or how the conversation got so far off track. In those situations I recommend asking the person to sit down with you, face to face, and basically do an autopsy of the conversation. You both have to be in a calm frame of mind, and agree to be non-judgmental, then carefully go through the steps. "The way I remember it I said X, what do you remember hearing me say?" And so on until you both feel you see how the misunderstanding arose.

Admittedly it is more difficult to do this with your own conversations than with your child's, but it can work. Since you seem to have had a on-going relationship with this family, it should be worth investing in bridging the gap.

PS, separate topic in your post - how does your daughter do with writing her feelings? We have quite a few members here who are non-verbal but able to express well with a keyboard.

I don't see how this is your fault at all.

I've noticed some people see autism in terms of the one autistic person that they know. I find people who know nothing at all about autism are often the easiest people to explain my autism to because they are more open minded.

I know this is a guess but the odds are good she's relieved not to have to a party.

I would agree with the others that this isn't your fault. Any normal adult shouldn't jump to those kind of conclusions that she did, but it's even worse as as she is involved with kids like yours, she should know a lot better.

To be honest if her son is NT and she is the way she is, I'm not sure If want my daughter spending time with him either. So yeah, you've likely dodged a bullet.

As for your daughter not verbalising what she wants, is she capable of looking after herself or is she reliant on you? If she can look after herself and is 21, I guess she needs to try and do these things herself and live her own life, even if that means making some mistakes and learning from them. If she needs support and help them that's different and you need to intervene where necessary.

Don't beat yourself up over the conversation. Some people are just dicks and you can't control that.

I'm inclined to think your daughter is positioned to be sexually victimized if she doesn't have your protection. You had every right to inquire about the details of the party. If your daughter won't tell you affirmatively that she DOES want to go, I take that as a statement that she DOESN'T want to go. The communication skills of this group co-ordinator don't seem very adequate to the situation, well that will just have to be her family's problems, but that doesn't mean they are yours.

I agree totally that she would be very easy to take advantage of. This co ordinator in question accuses me of being over protective of my 21 year old daughter, and that i do too many things for her. So her son is well socialised but only if your talking marvel, movies, leggo and anime. She knows nothing and is basing all others on the autism spectrum based on her son's seeming outgoing loud behaviour. I am finally seeing that her lack of opinion equals not really wanting to. Thankyou for your advice.

If you are not sure, please do not fall into the assumption that just because your child cannot verbalize that they want to go means that she lacks an opinion or that she really does not want to. Sometimes, we cannot verbalize our thoughts despite desperately wanting to. Sometimes, we cannot process the decision for one reason or another: poor choices, not enough information, decision processing not working, etc.

You trust her enough to allow your daughter to attend activities for autistic adults that she coordinates & that her son also attends but you are questioning if your daughter will be safe at her home for the sons’s birthday party?

I understand your concern for your daughter but I think you may have offended this woman by basically questioning her competency; not just on the job but as a parent.

Honestly; I don’t think I’m strong enough to hold a birthday party for my son where there would be others invited that were not family; what if nobody came? The moms of other autistic children who have invited my son to a party either expected parents to attend or hired aides experienced in respite care to assist. I just don’t feel like I’m good enough to pull that off, unfortunately.

I have attended school parties where my son didn’t even know I was there. Just yesterday I showed him last years Halloween party pictures; I spent the entire time lurking in the back & ducking down when he looked my direction ... Maybe it would have gone better if you told (not asked) this woman that you would be lurking around for a few to make sure your daughter wasn’t overwhelmed?

I’m sorry. It’s just so hard; isn’t it? My son wants to do everything & now he wants to do it by himself. Part of me wishes that he still wanted me there. The other part knows it’s a good sign that he doesn’t.