Why are some people so unfriendly?

Page 1 of 1 [ 14 posts ] 

impendingtacticallama
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 17 Nov 2015
Age: 26
Posts: 29

03 Aug 2018, 6:33 pm

This may seem silly, but it's something I've noticed all my working life. I have thought about it but I am not sure what the root cause is, and I would like to find out how I can figure it out, if you know what I mean?

I am an engineer. I work in an office. I do designs, paperwork, calculations. Sometimes I make or fix small things at work and at home. I have worked for three companies now, but only just joined a graduate scheme at the age of 25.

Throughout my working life I've made friends with staff who are older than me, and staff the same age who work in other areas of engineering, like manufacturing (eg machinists) and maintenance. We say hello to each other in the street, go drinking, have dinner together at work.

When I worked with people roughly my age, in the same work area (graduate level stuff?), we don't click. I can work in teams with these people and get the job done, but it doesn't go any further.

I often see these people outside of work but they don't really say hello. In fact, it can be really awkward when we do see each other. For instance, we are often in the gym after work at the same time, and it's a Mexican standoff to see if we acknowledge each other or not. Often when I do nod or say hello, the response I get suggests they wonder why I bothered.

I noticed this at school too, I never made friends in the high sets at school, and the friends I made mainly come from special needs classes or lower sets. At the time I thought it was because I wasn't actually smart, and stood out as a bit dumb in the top sets. Sometimes I still feel that way, but I have the experience behind me to rationalise that it's probably not the case.

Anyway; I know people with AS often get along better with older people, but that doesn't seem to be the only thing happening here? :?:



Daniel89
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 5 Oct 2017
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,359
Location: England

04 Aug 2018, 1:03 am

If you come across weird they don't want to be seen as too friendly with you in case they come of weird too.



BeaArthur
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 11 Aug 2015
Age: 64
Posts: 3,912

04 Aug 2018, 1:15 pm

impendingtacticallama wrote:
I often see these people outside of work but they don't really say hello. In fact, it can be really awkward when we do see each other. For instance, we are often in the gym after work at the same time, and it's a Mexican standoff to see if we acknowledge each other or not. Often when I do nod or say hello, the response I get suggests they wonder why I bothered.

The title of your thread asks why people are so unfriendly, but the above paragraph makes you sound pretty unfriendly, yourself. Why wait around for others to be the friendly ones? Why not say hello yourself, and exchange a pleasantry or two?


_________________
Purveyor of uncomfortable truths since 1978.


jimmy m
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 30 Jun 2018
Age: 70
Gender: Male
Posts: 832
Location: Indiana

04 Aug 2018, 1:46 pm

Many engineers are introverts and introverts are not very sociable. And a fair number are also Aspies. They almost have to be in order to have the level of concentration high enough to perform these functions. So the traits that you are observing to some extent is looking at yourself in the mirror. It is a reflection of Aspie traits or your traits.

[I mean no criticism by this remark. It is only to explain your observations.]

I find that I socialize better on a one-on-one basis rather than in groups. So if you wish to socialize with introverts you might do it on a one-on-one basis. Seek out common goals or interests and be very patient and let them dominate the conversation for awhile.

Also I am face blind (prosopagnosia). Often times someone will approach me and I will have a genial conversation. Later when they leave I will ask my wife "Who was this person?" So meeting someone outside the work environment where I typically meet them can throw me for a loop.



Magna
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 21 Jun 2018
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,589

04 Aug 2018, 1:59 pm

impendingtacticallama wrote:

Anyway; I know people with AS often get along better with older people, but that doesn't seem to be the only thing happening here? :?:


Is it true that people with AS often get along better with older people?

This really caught my eye because that has always been the case for me. I much prefer the company of older people. Both my wife and I hit it off better with older people far better than our own peer group.


_________________
"There is no love of living without despair of life." - Albert Camus
"There can be beauty in melancholy; it's an acquired taste." - Magna

AQ-43 (32-50 indicates a strong likelihood of Asperger syndrome or autism).
EQ-14 out of 80
Rdos: Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 173 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 39 of 200
You are very likely neurodiverse (Aspie)


impendingtacticallama
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 17 Nov 2015
Age: 26
Posts: 29

05 Aug 2018, 3:08 pm

Daniel89 wrote:
If you come across weird they don't want to be seen as too friendly with you in case they come of weird too.

Maybe, but I don't think I'm that weird. :(

BeaArthur wrote:
impendingtacticallama wrote:
I often see these people outside of work but they don't really say hello. In fact, it can be really awkward when we do see each other. For instance, we are often in the gym after work at the same time, and it's a Mexican standoff to see if we acknowledge each other or not. Often when I do nod or say hello, the response I get suggests they wonder why I bothered.

The title of your thread asks why people are so unfriendly, but the above paragraph makes you sound pretty unfriendly, yourself. Why wait around for others to be the friendly ones? Why not say hello yourself, and exchange a pleasantry or two?

How does it make me sound unfriendly? I was trying to say that when I try to be friendly and say hi, their reaction makes me feel they don't want me to.

jimmy m wrote:
Many engineers are introverts and introverts are not very sociable. And a fair number are also Aspies. They almost have to be in order to have the level of concentration high enough to perform these functions. So the traits that you are observing to some extent is looking at yourself in the mirror. It is a reflection of Aspie traits or your traits.

[I mean no criticism by this remark. It is only to explain your observations.]

I find that I socialize better on a one-on-one basis rather than in groups. So if you wish to socialize with introverts you might do it on a one-on-one basis. Seek out common goals or interests and be very patient and let them dominate the conversation for awhile.

Also I am face blind (prosopagnosia). Often times someone will approach me and I will have a genial conversation. Later when they leave I will ask my wife "Who was this person?" So meeting someone outside the work environment where I typically meet them can throw me for a loop.

I really don't think most engineers have Aspergers. I used to work in electrical utilities and then medical R&D and noticed a lot of us fit the bill. I work in nuclear now and I am pretty sure I am the only person I know with AS.

I'd like to reiterate - I don't just get along with people older than me, I have made friends at work who are my age, but they are all either craft (electricians, machinists etc...) or came up into engineering through the craft route.

I've been out with some mates over the weekend and had a think about it, and I've came to this conclusion:

1. 'Direct entry' engineers who started with a degree instead of an apprenticeship at big firms in industries such as nuclear tend to be from rich/middle class families who go to good state/private schools
2. I am from a 'respectable' working class family, went to a s**t state school
3. I can behave properly for short periods of time front of important people, for instance I have reported directly to our execs before, but day to day in the office I go back to being direct, honest, and a bit sweary, which is considered good by working class people, but not by middle class people

Does that sound plausible?



BTDT
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Jul 2010
Age: 55
Gender: Female
Posts: 4,680

05 Aug 2018, 3:18 pm

Being direct and honest can be a problem when talking to "normal people." They don't handle it very well if it is something they don't want to hear.

I had more problems with this when I was younger. But, I can't pinpoint exactly what changes I've made actually made a difference.



BeaArthur
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 11 Aug 2015
Age: 64
Posts: 3,912

05 Aug 2018, 6:37 pm

impendingtacticallama wrote:
I often see these people outside of work but they don't really say hello. In fact, it can be really awkward when we do see each other. For instance, we are often in the gym after work at the same time, and it's a Mexican standoff to see if we acknowledge each other or not. Often when I do nod or say hello, the response I get suggests they wonder why I bothered.

Quote:
The title of your thread asks why people are so unfriendly, but the above paragraph makes you sound pretty unfriendly, yourself. Why wait around for others to be the friendly ones? Why not say hello yourself, and exchange a pleasantry or two?

impendingtacticallama wrote:
How does it make me sound unfriendly? I was trying to say that when I try to be friendly and say hi, their reaction makes me feel they don't want me to.

The Mexican standoff ... sounds like your "hi" is weak and only happens if you're in the mood, or get a little sign they are open to it. Of course, you can't say "Hi" at the gym if you don't routinely say "hi" at work. That would just sound phony. My suggestion would be to act friendly in both places. I do not doubt this is ambitious. I got better at it over many years.


_________________
Purveyor of uncomfortable truths since 1978.


hobojungle
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 11 Dec 2016
Age: 42
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,391
Location: oregon

06 Aug 2018, 9:34 am

BTDT wrote:
Being direct and honest can be a problem when talking to "normal people." They don't handle it very well if it is something they don't want to hear.


Being direct & honest can be a problem when talking to any human. :D Just my experience.



Evil_Chuck
Velociraptor
Velociraptor

User avatar

Joined: 24 Aug 2014
Age: 33
Gender: Male
Posts: 472
Location: Lost in my thoughts.

08 Aug 2018, 12:00 pm

Hard to say. I don't usually mind it because living in a culture where everybody wanted to be my friend would make me less comfortable, not more. I'm not very friendly myself. I can be pleasant, but I usually have to force it.


_________________
RAADS-R SCORE: 163.0

FUNNY DEATH METAL LYRICS OF THE WEEK: 'DEMON'S WIND' BY VADER
Clammy frog descends
Demon's wind, the stars answer your desire
Join the undead, that's the place you'll never leave
You wanna die... but death cannot do us apart...


Pjscrab
Velociraptor
Velociraptor

User avatar

Joined: 9 Jul 2018
Gender: Female
Posts: 472

08 Aug 2018, 12:09 pm

Magna wrote:
impendingtacticallama wrote:

Anyway; I know people with AS often get along better with older people, but that doesn't seem to be the only thing happening here? :?:


Is it true that people with AS often get along better with older people?

This really caught my eye because that has always been the case for me. I much prefer the company of older people. Both my wife and I hit it off better with older people far better than our own peer group.



That makes sense my aspie ex-husband also socializes with ppl much older than him. For me though I can talk to anyone that gets me. At work I get to talk to ppl that came from different places and are different age groups. I get along with most of them except one very weird group. It’s not like I don’t get along with them but they are very manipulative politics playing grade climbers that stick to their own ppl.


_________________
RDOS quiz —

Your neurodiverse score: 107/200
Your neurotypical score: 135/200

You seem to have both ND and NT traits.


shortfatbalduglyman
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 4 Mar 2017
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,721

08 Aug 2018, 2:38 pm

Different countries , and different people , define different things as "friendly"

Sometimes some people might not you, specifically

Some people have autism or a different condition that impacts their social skills

Sometimes some people , are preoccupied with other things than just being "friendly"


:D



Sometimes I wonder, what is the point of saying "how are you doing?", When there are five emotions and only one of them is "happy"?

:D


Besides, any answer besides "good" invites further cross examination


:mrgreen:



Sometimes sitting around talking feels like a waste of time and energy


That I would rather waste on other things


:mrgreen:


But it does not appear that, anyone else feels that way


:ninja:


Plenty of people do not talk to me, but they won't shut their precious lil traps, around their numerous friends


:ninja:






Sometimes I feel too lazy to talk


It does not look worth the effort



:D



BTDT
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Jul 2010
Age: 55
Gender: Female
Posts: 4,680

08 Aug 2018, 2:52 pm

If you find yourself ruminating all day about poor social interaction it may actually be more effective to spend a little more time interacting socially, so you don't waste time ruminating.

I do find that if I truly am busy, and just give a quick answer and return to what I'm doing, people do seem to understand that I have things to do.



shortfatbalduglyman
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 4 Mar 2017
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,721

08 Aug 2018, 5:51 pm

sometimes someone thinks he/she is being friendly, but you think they are "unfriendly".

sometimes someone is in a bad mood, for a reason unrelated to you.

sometimes someone does not want to get too intimate or fears rejection. that could be just you specifically, or everyone, including you.

plenty of precious lil "people" act like i am curt, because i tend not to talk that much. talking takes a lot of energy, and it's often not worth the outcome. sometimes i am too lazy to sit around talking to someone. instead i would rather just lie down and play with the phone. :evil: surf internet :D :D :D :D :jester: :jester: :jester: :jester: :jester: :jester:

actually sometimes, :D high positive social energy extroverts :D get on my nerves. annoying. irritating :mrgreen: :mrgreen:

they act so upbeat. "nice to see you". what does that mean? nothing. "have a nice day". likewise.

:jester: :jester: :jester: :jester: :jester: :jester: :jester: :jester:


the other thing is, as someone physically weak, mentally slow, chronically fatigued, anemic, and often exhausted, it also makes me paranoid :D :D :D :D :D that precious lil "people" that act so uppity might be "too good to be true". sooner or later everyone gets angry. the upbeat precious lil "people" show that they have a lot of total energy. when they eventually get angry, they could use all that :ninja: total energy :jester: in ways that damage me.

some precious lil "people" just love sitting around joking and laughing like every slightest thing is the funniest thing in the world. at Whole Foods, someone said "i'm buying my lunch". and then started laughing. usually they are not laughing at me (thank them very much), but even when they are not laughing at me, the noise pollution hrrts my ears. it gives me a headache.

besides, how "friendly" is too "friendly"?

:D :D :D :D




:jester: :jester: :jester: :jester: :jester: :jester: :jester: :jester: