Why are some people so unfriendly?

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This may seem silly, but it's something I've noticed all my working life. I have thought about it but I am not sure what the root cause is, and I would like to find out how I can figure it out, if you know what I mean?

I am an engineer. I work in an office. I do designs, paperwork, calculations. Sometimes I make or fix small things at work and at home. I have worked for three companies now, but only just joined a graduate scheme at the age of 25.

Throughout my working life I've made friends with staff who are older than me, and staff the same age who work in other areas of engineering, like manufacturing (eg machinists) and maintenance. We say hello to each other in the street, go drinking, have dinner together at work.

When I worked with people roughly my age, in the same work area (graduate level stuff?), we don't click. I can work in teams with these people and get the job done, but it doesn't go any further.

I often see these people outside of work but they don't really say hello. In fact, it can be really awkward when we do see each other. For instance, we are often in the gym after work at the same time, and it's a Mexican standoff to see if we acknowledge each other or not. Often when I do nod or say hello, the response I get suggests they wonder why I bothered.

I noticed this at school too, I never made friends in the high sets at school, and the friends I made mainly come from special needs classes or lower sets. At the time I thought it was because I wasn't actually smart, and stood out as a bit dumb in the top sets. Sometimes I still feel that way, but I have the experience behind me to rationalise that it's probably not the case.

Anyway; I know people with AS often get along better with older people, but that doesn't seem to be the only thing happening here?

If you come across weird they don't want to be seen as too friendly with you in case they come of weird too.

The title of your thread asks why people are so unfriendly, but the above paragraph makes you sound pretty unfriendly, yourself. Why wait around for others to be the friendly ones? Why not say hello yourself, and exchange a pleasantry or two?

Many engineers are introverts and introverts are not very sociable. And a fair number are also Aspies. They almost have to be in order to have the level of concentration high enough to perform these functions. So the traits that you are observing to some extent is looking at yourself in the mirror. It is a reflection of Aspie traits or your traits.

[I mean no criticism by this remark. It is only to explain your observations.]

I find that I socialize better on a one-on-one basis rather than in groups. So if you wish to socialize with introverts you might do it on a one-on-one basis. Seek out common goals or interests and be very patient and let them dominate the conversation for awhile.

Also I am face blind (prosopagnosia). Often times someone will approach me and I will have a genial conversation. Later when they leave I will ask my wife "Who was this person?" So meeting someone outside the work environment where I typically meet them can throw me for a loop.

Is it true that people with AS often get along better with older people?

This really caught my eye because that has always been the case for me. I much prefer the company of older people. Both my wife and I hit it off better with older people far better than our own peer group.

Maybe, but I don't think I'm that weird.


How does it make me sound unfriendly? I was trying to say that when I try to be friendly and say hi, their reaction makes me feel they don't want me to.


I really don't think most engineers have Aspergers. I used to work in electrical utilities and then medical R&D and noticed a lot of us fit the bill. I work in nuclear now and I am pretty sure I am the only person I know with AS.

I'd like to reiterate - I don't just get along with people older than me, I have made friends at work who are my age, but they are all either craft (electricians, machinists etc...) or came up into engineering through the craft route.

I've been out with some mates over the weekend and had a think about it, and I've came to this conclusion:

1. 'Direct entry' engineers who started with a degree instead of an apprenticeship at big firms in industries such as nuclear tend to be from rich/middle class families who go to good state/private schools
2. I am from a 'respectable' working class family, went to a s**t state school
3. I can behave properly for short periods of time front of important people, for instance I have reported directly to our execs before, but day to day in the office I go back to being direct, honest, and a bit sweary, which is considered good by working class people, but not by middle class people

Does that sound plausible?

Being direct and honest can be a problem when talking to "normal people." They don't handle it very well if it is something they don't want to hear.

I had more problems with this when I was younger. But, I can't pinpoint exactly what changes I've made actually made a difference.

The Mexican standoff ... sounds like your "hi" is weak and only happens if you're in the mood, or get a little sign they are open to it. Of course, you can't say "Hi" at the gym if you don't routinely say "hi" at work. That would just sound phony. My suggestion would be to act friendly in both places. I do not doubt this is ambitious. I got better at it over many years.

Being direct & honest can be a problem when talking to any human. Just my experience.

Hard to say. I don't usually mind it because living in a culture where everybody wanted to be my friend would make me less comfortable, not more. I'm not very friendly myself. I can be pleasant, but I usually have to force it.

That makes sense my aspie ex-husband also socializes with ppl much older than him. For me though I can talk to anyone that gets me. At work I get to talk to ppl that came from different places and are different age groups. I get along with most of them except one very weird group. It’s not like I don’t get along with them but they are very manipulative politics playing grade climbers that stick to their own ppl.

Different countries , and different people , define different things as "friendly"

Sometimes some people might not you, specifically

Some people have autism or a different condition that impacts their social skills

Sometimes some people , are preoccupied with other things than just being "friendly"






Sometimes I wonder, what is the point of saying "how are you doing?", When there are five emotions and only one of them is "happy"?




Besides, any answer besides "good" invites further cross examination






Sometimes sitting around talking feels like a waste of time and energy


That I would rather waste on other things





But it does not appear that, anyone else feels that way





Plenty of people do not talk to me, but they won't shut their precious lil traps, around their numerous friends









Sometimes I feel too lazy to talk


It does not look worth the effort

If you find yourself ruminating all day about poor social interaction it may actually be more effective to spend a little more time interacting socially, so you don't waste time ruminating.

I do find that if I truly am busy, and just give a quick answer and return to what I'm doing, people do seem to understand that I have things to do.

sometimes someone thinks he/she is being friendly, but you think they are "unfriendly".

sometimes someone is in a bad mood, for a reason unrelated to you.

sometimes someone does not want to get too intimate or fears rejection. that could be just you specifically, or everyone, including you.

plenty of precious lil "people" act like i am curt, because i tend not to talk that much. talking takes a lot of energy, and it's often not worth the outcome. sometimes i am too lazy to sit around talking to someone. instead i would rather just lie down and play with the phone. surf internet

actually sometimes, high positive social energy extroverts get on my nerves. annoying. irritating

they act so upbeat. "nice to see you". what does that mean? nothing. "have a nice day". likewise.




the other thing is, as someone physically weak, mentally slow, chronically fatigued, anemic, and often exhausted, it also makes me paranoid that precious lil "people" that act so uppity might be "too good to be true". sooner or later everyone gets angry. the upbeat precious lil "people" show that they have a lot of total energy. when they eventually get angry, they could use all that total energy in ways that damage me.

some precious lil "people" just love sitting around joking and laughing like every slightest thing is the funniest thing in the world. at Whole Foods, someone said "i'm buying my lunch". and then started laughing. usually they are not laughing at me (thank them very much), but even when they are not laughing at me, the noise pollution hrrts my ears. it gives me a headache.

besides, how "friendly" is too "friendly"?