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thelonelywarrior
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14 Aug 2018, 1:23 am

I dont know if i will ever truly understand the world around me. This lack of understanding seems to be the riff between me and them. Most of the time i am ok with the separation till those still quite moments when I sit in a restaurant or out on the bus and i see all these people lauging having fun and i find that i start listening and laughing almost pretending for a moment that i with them. Then there are times when the the tears come and all i want is a warm hand of comfort but all that is available is the cold emptiness of loneliness.
With questions running thew my head of what makes me different what makes me unable to have what they do? Why cant i see socially where i different and why cant i make my differences go away so i can have what they do? Will i ever i ever understand stand a love that is not quickly followed by goodbye? If there are truly others like me where are they? Does anyone stay are is life followed by a sort hellos and lifetime goodbyes?
Gosh it seems beyond curel to make a creature to live in a social world with no ability to live successfully in it but leave the disire to be like them.



TessSpoon
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14 Aug 2018, 2:35 am

Well, from what I can tell, it's a combination of things like culture, upbringing, and the level of social intuition you have. Being on the spectrum means your social intuition will leave a lot to be desired, meaning that even with a lot of experience, you may struggle to learn from your social messups (without people spelling things out for you constructively). Speaking from experience, I can say it's... frustrating >:|

Culture can encourage of discourage that sort of constructive behavior. For example, Finland and Germany (from what I read somewhere) are fairly autism-friendly due to their cultural values making it easier for autists to get accepted. Presumably, part of that is the communication that would allow helping people learn from even their cringiest social messups.

And of course, upbringing can stunt or boost your social growth.

That's my two cents. I understand your pain; my social intuition is pretty lacking, and people would much rather yell at me than be constructive (even when I ask them to).



thelonelywarrior
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14 Aug 2018, 6:21 am

There is also a town in scottland that is trying to become an autistic friendly city i forget the name but also in scottland a supermarket there is going to great lengths to make it an autistic friendly experience by placing audio clips on their website of tbe various noises you will encounter while shopping also at the same super market for the non verbal autistic person there is a bord they give you with various types of items found in the store to make shopping more easier for them to ask for help finding the things they need.
Also found out there is a seaside commuinty in canada that is also very austic friendly. In fact hotels and business there use their autism friendly as a selling point.
Sadly when i did a simliar search here in the us for such a city we have none. It is kind of shame we are so behind on this stuff especially since where so much of world leader in other things.
Yes people yell at me all the time because i miss stuff they think should be simple enough for me to get that just flys right over my head.



xatrix26
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14 Aug 2018, 6:28 am

Social awareness and interpreting social cues as well as deciphering NTs' intentions will always be something that we as ASDs will always have a severe problem with. It's taken me more than 40 years but at this point I am able to muddle my way through simply due to the fact that I've seen many different social situations a hundred times over and it isn't as confusing as it once was. But I still have a great deal of difficulty in most social situations so I can't say that I've mastered anything really.

I suppose for myself I simply enjoy being alone more than anything else and being with others is a severe drain on my psyche and causes me to become exhausted after prolonged periods around NTs. I would much prefer the company of a dog than a human being. After I learned to accept myself as such and to not worry that I might be different then I began to relax a lot more and I've become much happier as a result.

Accepting myself as Autistic and not as an NT has been the cornerstone of my healing process throughout these many painful years.

I hope that helps you a little bit my friend because I share your pain and I know exactly what you're going through.

:cry:


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*** Severe High Functioning Autism - Asperger's Syndrome ***

ADHD, BiPolar, GAD, OCD, and PTSD.

Keep calm and stim away. ;)


thelonelywarrior
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14 Aug 2018, 7:49 am

You and i are almost the same age you just have a couple of years on me. In these 38 years i have had experience after experience to remind me that i am different. Today the things i do that are a bit different than my younger me is i really have very little problem with just striking up conversations with random people threw out the day. Yet most of those people are uninterested in carring on after that first conversation is over. No matter how they said they did.



Fnord
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14 Aug 2018, 8:03 am

thelonelywarrior wrote:
Why is it so hard to make friends?
Unless you can provide something that they want, people will either ignore you or push you into the mis-named "Friend Zone".


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purpose of diplomacy is to prolong a crisis.”

— Leonard Nimoy as Mr. Spock, in the Star Trek
episode "The Mark of Gideon" (ep. 3.16, 1969)


TessSpoon
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14 Aug 2018, 10:59 am

xatrix26 wrote:
Social awareness and interpreting social cues as well as deciphering NTs' intentions will always be something that we as ASDs will always have a severe problem with.


Well, so long as various cultures keep preferring to yell instead of being constructive about our mistakes, yes; that will always be a problem for us on the spectrum. Fixing that insistent destructiveness would fix those social difficulties, at least for the more high-functioning ASDs.

xatrix26 wrote:
I would much prefer the company of a dog than a human being. After I learned to accept myself as such and to not worry that I might be different then I began to relax a lot more and I've become much happier as a result.

Accepting myself as Autistic and not as an NT has been the cornerstone of my healing process throughout these many painful years.


I feel pretty similarly. I've also started feeling less horrible about my social difficulties when I decided to stop trying too hard to be NT. It's liberating.

Fnord wrote:
thelonelywarrior wrote:
Why is it so hard to make friends?
Unless you can provide something that they want, people will either ignore you or push you into the mis-named "Friend Zone".


Blunt xD You could say that friendship boils down to being in each others' company for some mutual benefit.



thelonelywarrior
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14 Aug 2018, 1:42 pm

I love how the conversation here is almost like reading a scientific document on friendship. Ahh i love aspies.
I dont think friends are always friends because of some mutual benfit though that is part of it. I have seen in my own life people invest so much more into me out of love than i could ever hope of returning to them. To ssy they where only in my life to benfit them.



Cherrydrpepper
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15 Aug 2018, 7:40 am

Fnord wrote:
thelonelywarrior wrote:
Why is it so hard to make friends?
Unless you can provide something that they want, people will either ignore you or push you into the mis-named "Friend Zone".


This is the sad truth.

My advice is go to meetup.com and look for board game meetups, star wars meetups etc. Those people tend to be kinder gentler souls because they werent accepted in school and know what its like to be different.



thelonelywarrior
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15 Aug 2018, 8:35 am

Cherrydrpepper wrote:
Fnord wrote:
thelonelywarrior wrote:
Why is it so hard to make friends?
Unless you can provide something that they want, people will either ignore you or push you into the mis-named "Friend Zone".


This is the sad truth.

My advice is go to meetup.com and look for board game meetups, star wars meetups etc. Those people tend to be kinder gentler souls because they werent accepted in school and know what its like to be different.


Tis true the thing i love about nerds is want to welcome you into the fold and they will actually teach you the games they love playing and want you to bs a part of. I have done in the paat but where i am living at currently i can't because they usually happen at night and the buses in this stupid town shut down early so i could not get home



Fnord
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15 Aug 2018, 8:41 am

TessSpoon wrote:
Blunt xD You could say that friendship boils down to being in each others' company for some mutual benefit.
There's no reason to obfuscate the meaning and intent of a statement with a lot of pretty words; and, yes, friendship DOES "boil down" to being in each others' company for some mutual benefit -- all relationships are based on quid-pro-quo transactions, sometimes social, and sometimes material; sometimes explicit, and sometimes unspoken.

It's when one person devalues what the other person has to offer that the relationship breaks down; and when one person sees nothing of value in the other person, there can be no relationship at all.


_________________
 
“I must acknowledge, once and for all, that the
purpose of diplomacy is to prolong a crisis.”

— Leonard Nimoy as Mr. Spock, in the Star Trek
episode "The Mark of Gideon" (ep. 3.16, 1969)


jimmy m
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15 Aug 2018, 9:00 am

Most of my long lasting friendships in life have been other Aspies. It is because they are loyal and dependable, sincere, honest and genuine. These are the qualities I treasure most in a friend. Just be a little patient with other Aspies and they will blossom.