I feel like my brain is broken.

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Hi, I'm 22/F/diagnosed with Asperger's at age 16.
I've been in a bad place lately, because I don't like who I am. There's multiple reasons for this.
I'm going to format this with multiple 'points' because I suck at writing coherent stories.

1. I was always the smart kid but never amounted to anything. I always had good grades in elementary school, but I dropped out of high school. It feels like I'm getting dumber as I get older. I can't concentrate on anything, and I often have a hard time understanding spoken and written word.
I am really insecure about this. Deep down I know it's because my brain works differently and it's not my fault, but there's this voice in my head saying 'don't bother making excuses, you know you're not as smart as you once thought you were!'
It's really frustrating because I have what is called a 'disharmonic IQ' (common in autistic people) which in my case means that my verbal IQ is much higher than my performal IQ, in other words: I am better at logic, facts and understanding things than I am at actually using those things in my daily life. Kind of the opposite of that kid who always has good grades but doesn't know who the president is. And my intelligence kind of bottlenecks there, so deep down I 'know' I'm pretty smart but I have nothing to show for it, and all my peers who I feel are otherwise like me in terms of interests, worldview and stuff like that are all highly educated and having jobs and doing awesome things with their life and I'm not.
Things that are so hard for me seem so easy for them.

2. I am not really good at anything, and my self esteem is so low that I never get better at anything because I'm afraid to fail which is a vicious cycle really.
I can draw better than most people but not nearly as good as I want to. That's pretty much the only thing I have any meaningful talent in.
Autism is often said to make you really good at one or a few things but I feel like I only suck at things more because of it.
I just feel so different from other people, even other autistic people, and not in a good way. I feel bad at being a person, and even bad at being autistic.
Like I said before, things that I find difficult or that take me a long time to grasp seem easy for other people.
For instance, when I play League of Legends it seems like I don't understand or learn things that come naturally to other people, and that even the biggest noob gets.


3. I am really picky about liking/appreciating things. I often don't find a lot of things funny/interesting that many people find funny/interesting, I have a hard time getting into new music/I only like a few bands (which really sucks because music is my passion), I don't like most tv shows and movies (just look at all the huge fandoms that almost everyone likes at least some of; GoT, Star Wars, Harry Potter etc... they don't interest me at all... apart from maybe Doctor Who back in the day), I don't like reading much anymore (and when I did as a kid I only read the vampire books, vampires have been my "special interest" for a while. And even then I'm picky, they can't be too monster-y but not too twilight-y either, have to have a certain kind of fangs, etc etc... ugh I get so tired of myself. This is also one of the things that make me feel bad at being autistic... I can't even do special interests right) and I can't concentrate on it.
I recently got into gaming because of my boyfriend, and guess what... I don't like games where the only goal is to get a better weapon everytime (WoW) or a bigger farm (Stardew Valley) or whatever, I don't like games that are too hard, I hate toxic communities (playing League of Legends has had me crying more than once), etc etc.

So bottom line: my brain is messed up, I feel broken, I have no friends, I have no job or study, and I don't know how to like things and have fun.
I know that a lot of this stems from my low self-esteem, and I am in therapy for that actually, but I just wanted to vent and maybe some people will relate to this.
This is not even the whole picture, and it's essentially a bunch of really complicated thoughts and problems that all intersect with each other but I tried to make it as coherent as possible.

Thanks for reading (:

Post deleted.

Last edited by Kamryn on 29 Aug 2018, 4:38 pm, edited 2 times in total.

You are not like other people, so comparing to other will only make you depressed and make the things which are impossible for you more clear. Find it hard myself as well, feel like the Wolf among the sheep that just doesn't fit in, doesn't belong and means nothing. But I am unique, not like them at all. It is useless comparing to them because I will never be like them.


Work on that talent, make it into something special, if you want at least. Nobody started at an amazing level, it takes a lot of work and dedication to become a master artist. Problem is, NT's have the energy that we often lack, but we can still achieve things, just in different ways. Managing energy, being creative, that is the key. Still is extremely frustrating, seeing others doing everything so easily.

People with ASD often need more time. Best thing is to accept and embrace that. Fighting it will only make it worse. It sucks, but it will never change.


Severely depressed people often have this problem, not finding anything enjoyable anymore. I know, because I am there. Can't even remember the last time I truly enjoyed myself.


Yeah, that is how I often feel. What is fun? How does that feel? How do people enjoy themselves so easily?


Relate, I certainly do.


Do you have thoughts that bash you constantly? Nag about anything you do and everything you do?


Bedankt voor het delen