Friends from synagogue ghosting on me after I left

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Summer_Twilight
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04 Sep 2018, 7:51 am

As most of you know, I left my last synagogue because I wasn't happy there and didn't feel that I was being treated fairly along with feeling that the environment was toxic. During the past three years, I did manage to make some connections there including a family where the husband is somewhere on the spectrum and his wife has ADHD. We also had a lot in common and I was able to get along with.

Long story short, we got to know each other and I began to unload on things that bothered me and they both filled me on "Getting offended all the time" and how I should read this Christian book that can help with that. Over time, the husband became more irritable towards me about things and even let me know that he felt I was "Gossiping" which is a pet peeve of his. On top of that, we were talking about other spiritual things that none of us agree with. However, they wanted to me keep some of those quiet because their teenage daughter can be really touchy about certain things and want her to come of the faith on her own. This is even when we aren't even talking to her, there are certain things we can't talk about or she will get upset.

The last time I saw them over the memorial weekend was after I left the synagogue and I happened to voice my opinion on a few things regarding a few people who I didn't like. The rest of the night he was incredibly irritable and rude. Example, when his wife and I were getting ready to leave, we were putting away the dishes and laughing while he was putting the kids to bed. He shouted at both of us "Wife, Summer, LEAVE! You are making too much noise in the house.

Since then, his wife who used to text me and call me and now she is ignoring my texts. Yet, I see her post on Google + all the time. Her husband has also ignored me and talked to everyone else.



Fnord
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04 Sep 2018, 8:31 am

Nobody likes a complainer.


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hobojungle
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04 Sep 2018, 9:04 am

Stop gossiping. You make yourself & others miserable with this behavior.



Summer_Twilight
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04 Sep 2018, 9:11 am

Fnord wrote:
Nobody likes a complainer.


I will work on that part but I feel like they are mad at me for leaving that synagogue because I didn't fit in socially there and my rabbi wanted me to fit the mold.



Fnord
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04 Sep 2018, 9:13 am

I doubt that they are mad at you for leaving; but for complaining and gossiping, which stopped once you had left...


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Summer_Twilight
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04 Sep 2018, 9:21 am

Ok, then I will work on that part. However, her husband has a temper and starts yelling at people whenever he is under lots of stress even when we say something normal. For example, they faced a very scary situation with their daughter that got resolved but during that time, he posted not to text or message them because they were getting too many messages that overloaded them. Rather post on Facebook which I abided by. When the situation got resolved, I sent the husband and wife just one text message each letting them know that I heard that the situation was resolved. Otherwise, I was going to leave them alone.

I said, "I heard this got resolved and I am glad your daughter is safe." He responded and wrote "STOP" in all caps. I said "Sorry" and didn't text anymore.



jimmy m
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04 Sep 2018, 9:35 am

edited (misread situation)



hobojungle
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04 Sep 2018, 9:54 am

Summer_Twilight wrote:
Ok, then I will work on that part. However, her husband has a temper and starts yelling at people whenever he is under lots of stress even when we say something normal. For example, they faced a very scary situation with their daughter that got resolved but during that time, he posted not to text or message them because they were getting too many messages that overloaded them. Rather post on Facebook which I abided by. When the situation got resolved, I sent the husband and wife just one text message each letting them know that I heard that the situation was resolved. Otherwise, I was going to leave them alone.

I said, "I heard this got resolved and I am glad your daughter is safe." He responded and wrote "STOP" in all caps. I said "Sorry" and didn't text anymore.


Sounds like you struggle with respecting the boundaries of others. This person explicitly requested not to text & you did anyway. I don’t blame him for being angry with you.



Summer_Twilight
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04 Sep 2018, 10:04 am

Yes I do because I don't always read their cues so I don't bother them.



hobojungle
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04 Sep 2018, 10:13 am

The struggle is real. :( But at least you are aware of needing to complain & gossip less. Put that energy into something more constructive.



BeaArthur
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04 Sep 2018, 10:18 am

Letting go of past disappointments and anger would be very healthy for you. You post frequently in indignation at a social slight someone has made towards you. While that hurts anybody - a LITTLE - you seem to want everyone to support you and even say "that person is so awful! they should never act like that!"

A good affirmation for you would be "Let it go." You could write this phrase on post-it notes in various places around your home, such as your bedside table, your computer, desk, doorway, etc. This would only work if you believe in it, but if you do, this reminder, over time, would probably help you to let things go that irk you but that are in the past.


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Summer_Twilight
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04 Sep 2018, 10:23 am

hobojungle wrote:
The struggle is real. :( But at least you are aware of needing to complain & gossip less. Put that energy into something more constructive.


One thing I want to do is work on not telling people my personal situations way too fast and especially people who I am trying to get to know. It had only been 2 years and we were just getting to know each other and maybe that's part of the problem. However, they told me a lot of personal information too and admitted to being angry at their circumstances. (I don't care to go into that).

The husband often got mad at his wife everything she would turn around because she did things that bothered him which I thought were put downs.



Summer_Twilight
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04 Sep 2018, 10:25 am

BeaArthur wrote:
Letting go of past disappointments and anger would be very healthy for you. You post frequently in indignation at a social slight someone has made towards you. While that hurts anybody - a LITTLE - you seem to want everyone to support you and even say "that person is so awful! they should never act like that!"

A good affirmation for you would be "Let it go." You could write this phrase on post-it notes in various places around your home, such as your bedside table, your computer, desk, doorway, etc. This would only work if you believe in it, but if you do, this reminder, over time, would probably help you to let things go that irk you but that are in the past.


I love affirmations and I have been saying them on a daily basis and one of the ones I say are, "I am not going to let them steal my joy."



hobojungle
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04 Sep 2018, 11:16 am

Affirmations can be so helpful. I need to be reminded of this today, myself. :D One that has helped me in dealing with my sister is:

“It is none of my business who ____ is. ____ has a right to be in this world the way they are. My job is to observe what is going on so that I can truly see who ____ is & respond in a mature way.”

I need to start using this with mother!! !



Summer_Twilight
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04 Sep 2018, 12:17 pm

I also like guided meditations and usually do
1. Releasing anger
2. Ones related to anxiety when someone gets me upset
3. Positive affirmations

Even just 20 minutes of that gives me a better clarity of a situation and even helps me take responsibility better. Other times they help me not to take it personally when someone doesn't like me. One of the things I learned to tell myself is "That's not my problem."

Perhaps I should do some mindfulness about the situation with this couple too before doing some affirmations based on what comes us.