A girlfriend is not a lost puppy.

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You don’t go looking for one as if a girlfriend is a lost puppy to be found.

She’s a human being to be attracted.

If you’re not attracting girls, or the type of girls you want, then focus on making yourself more attractive until you do.

Nor is she a prize to be won or an item to be owned.I've been saying this for years, and the people who deny its wisdom are the same people who whine, cry, and complain that they can't get a girlfriend.

... and they know who they are ...

Did this really require its own thread?

I think so, and it's not even 'my' thread!

Around here...? Yes.

So you're saying my sausage-on-a-string plan is doomed to fail? Curses!

Then we need an equivalent thread to nix misconceptions about guys. It's probably a good start to just say everybody's different.

Ya, that's fine if such a thread is of value to some here. But this specifically seems to be a running theme in this forum, guys "looking," for girlfriends.

It's one thing to go out with the intent of "picking up chicks," or however you want to phrase it, but another entirely to go out "looking for a girlfriend," as if you're going to see some woman you're into & like magic, you found her and she's your girlfriend. That's not how this part of life works.

Those "looking," for a girlfriend should look in the mirror instead (not obsessively or anything) and work on themselves. Get fitter/healthier, be well groomed with impeccable personal hygiene, dress decently (not necessarily expensively, just don't look homeless like me when I'm on my way to work. ) Maybe take up a hobby or something so you have an interest/skill to display competence or mastery in. etc. The animal kingdom gets this.. right down to lowly spiders. Males are often ornately decorated & do little mating dances and such to attract females.

It seems there's a common misconception here that focusing on one's self vs. finding a partner is counterproductive as then you may miss out on an opportunity to meet that special someone. The exact polar opposite is true. Focusing on yourself is what's necessary to make yourself stand out and be noticed by that special someone. It's also how you overcome appearing "desperate," - by playing the nonchalant "hard to get," card. You may REALLY REALLY REALLY want to talk to that girl and get her number.. but chances are you'll mess it up royally & would be better served by playing it cool and letting her talk to you once she notices you. Or keep your approach super minimal so as not to let on that you're interested. People want what they can't have.. so if you make it be known that you're looking for a date, you won't likely get one. But if you're polite and flash a smile, someone may be curious enough about you to want to get together and learn more about you. Oui oui, NT games.. but this is how these things work in the real world. Point blank communication comes across as desperation & repels vs. attracts unless you are particularly skilled at PUA tactics.

Just figured I'd put that out there to the forum for the several guys who make posts not fully grasping these concepts. I'm not just talking out of my ass, either. I've gotten myself into pretty good shape & when I'm cleaned up and looking respectable, girls hit on me. Little do they know the main reason I'm not showing interest in them isn't because I'm playing it cool.. I'd rather talk to their younger brothers but point is, spending exactly Zero time "looking for a girlfriend," and plenty of time improving myself = girls attracted to me chatting me up at the beach or coffee shops or wherever. This is not a unique to goldfish phenomenon. This is how this is done. Shifting focus to self improvement IS working towards your goal of having a girlfriend - not giving up on it. "Looking," hasn't found you one, has it? IMO it's worth a Try to make yourself ever more attractive and then you'll experience that magnetism for yourself. You can't see it, but it's very real.

I don’t think anyone’s ever said you go looking for a girlfriend as if she were a lost puppy. You go looking for a woman who happens to be attracted to you, in addition to doing whatever you need to do to be desirable. If there’s anything I’ve learned the hard way, it’s that you don’t stop being socially isolated by just focusing on yourself. In fact, you’re unlikely to accomplish much at all that way, because isolation tends to give you a very warped view on life. And unless you’re so extremely attractive that women will throw themselves at you upon seeing you from across the street, no woman will get to know you, so you’ll never attract them.



How not? The only catch is that whether you win her is entirely up to her and she doesn’t owe you a chance.

You do have a point. There is an old saying that goes something like, "Men do the chasing, while women do the choosing." There may be some truth to it.

Working on yourself (I suppose that means becoming more NT?), is completely worthless advice on an autism forum. The more you become like an NT, the less likely you will be to get a suitable girlfriend.

In addition to that, thinking that attraction has anything to do with getting into a worthwhile relationship that will last long-term, is just crazy. Being attractive might make it easier to get a date, but it certainly doesn't make it easier to find a suitable partner. I'd even claim it might be the reverse. NDs that are very attractive are likely to get a lot more interest from NTs, which isn't exactly a good thing for people wanting to find somebody compatible.

Doesn't apply to me.

I find it more likely that ND guys that have found a gf won't hang on L&D. So, the guys you see here are mostly those that have failed to find a gf. For whatever reason. To claim it is related to attraction is just a random guess that likely is false.

Working on oneself does not mean becoming more NT. Well the way I understand “working on oneself” anyway. Self awareness, self acceptance, realising our destructive behaviour and learning new less destructive patterns... None of these are things that typify an NT vs an ND person. Someone can be ASD and more at peace with themselves than they were previously (growth).

I agree with Goldfish on this and would further say that attractiveness is something that comes from within. I speak as a woman when I say that physical appearance plays less of a role than say hygeine. Biggest turn offs for me are things like bad breath or general smelliness ( can be moldy clothes etc), strongly different views on politics or religion, unkindness, bullying behaviour, sexism, grabbiness, overly needy (but vulnerabilty is good). This is just my list and I’m speaking as a woman. I do have other things that I fancy but those are quirks of mine so I could put them under shared interests. Such as Star Trek or animated movies or whatever.

I am not a relationship expert and have had some (many) disastrous relationships over my lifetime. But on escaping the last really bad one I had to look carefully at how this pattern was happening and how to change it. I wrote a list of all I wanted, and furthermore made a decision to NOT seek a relationship. I wanted to heal and understand more about myself.

I have literally read posts here on wp by guys stating they “looked all over the city for a girlfriend.” IMO that misconception exists with some people here and they need to learn that you don’t find a girlfriend, you attract one.

I’m on WP. I have the sixth most posts here all time. I’m married, and I was also engaged previously. I’ve had 30-35 different lovers.

Many people on WP (and on L & D) have achieved success.

Working on yourself could be any aspect about you. Physical fitness, fashion sense/style, healthy diet, completing a higher education, learning a new skill, meditating, martial arts, getting your finances in order etc etc etc - self improvement comes in many forms.

As for telling people on an autism forum to work on becoming more NT, I am literally the Last guy on this forum that you can possibly tell not to do that or that it can’t be done - because I’ve been doing it for more than 5 years and have shared it all here. It is 100% possible to treat and control ASD symptoms - I know because I do it.

Attraction could be to something non-aesthetic. Someone could be attracted to your profession, skills, art, personality, intelligence, singing voice etc not just what you look like.

Who are you to say an ND is incompatible with an NT? It’s up to each pair of individuals, regardless of neurotype, to determine their compatibility together.