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B19
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26 Sep 2018, 4:55 pm

The cliche that "opposites attract" is totally not valid from my observations of friendships, both my own and those I have seen all these decades. Like attracts like, birds of a feather DO "stick together" - for the most part. The majority group of people in Western Culture want people as friends who relate to and affirm their opinions, interests, choices, and lifestyle. They also want friends who will act as emotional support validators when anything goes wrong in their lives.

This idea of NT friendship as an emotional support circle is not a good fit for AS women, who are "birds of a different feather". We don't speak the same emotional language as NTs do.

Friendship to AS women may also be based on hopes of shared interests, support and likeness, however the NTs who can relate to AS interests and speak OUR language are very rare.

It may help you to realise that your mismatch with NTs is also their mismatch with YOU, and there are different tribes with different expectations. It's not as personal as it feels, though I do understand how personal it does feel.

You could perhaps consider joining AWN (the Autistic Women's Network) online which is a good site for exploring the hidden aspects of the interactions between different neurotribes and the impacts for AS women.



warrier120
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26 Sep 2018, 10:54 pm

Might as well eat those Starbursts myself then...


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rick42
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27 Sep 2018, 11:39 am

i hate sound a bit harsh,but a vast majority(if not all) NT's don't have the capability to understand us whatsoever,therefore they exclude us,including family.This is just reality. Personally you shouldn't be trying be friends with any NT's becasue we are not equals and we speak a entirely different language than they do.I say try to find other Aspies that is the same age as you to be friends with.



rick42
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27 Sep 2018, 11:56 am

B19 wrote:
The cliche that "opposites attract" is totally not valid from my observations of friendships, both my own and those I have seen all these decades. Like attracts like, birds of a feather DO "stick together" - for the most part. The majority group of people in Western Culture want people as friends who relate to and affirm their opinions, interests, choices, and lifestyle. They also want friends who will act as emotional support validators when anything goes wrong in their lives.

This idea of NT friendship as an emotional support circle is not a good fit for AS women, who are "birds of a different feather". We don't speak the same emotional language as NTs do.

Friendship to AS women may also be based on hopes of shared interests, support and likeness, however the NTs who can relate to AS interests and speak OUR language are very rare.

It may help you to realise that your mismatch with NTs is also their mismatch with YOU, and there are different tribes with different expectations. It's not as personal as it feels, though I do understand how personal it does feel.

You could perhaps consider joining AWN (the Autistic Women's Network) online which is a good site for exploring the hidden aspects of the interactions between different neurotribes and the impacts for AS women.


I agree with this advice.I wish Aspies realize and accept the fact that NT's don't have the capability to understand us and the fact we are entirely different people than NT's, including the weirdest of NT's.I also agree with the different tribes comparison.I see Aspies and NT's as two entirely different tribes that have absolutely nothing a common whatsoever. To the OP,a vast majority of people tend to stick with their own tribes.Same applies to NT and Aspies. A vast majority of NT's stick with other NT's and Apsies should stick with other Aspies, even tho a lot of Aspies try to find acceptance outside of the Autsitc/Aspie community,which isn't a great idea.



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27 Sep 2018, 12:08 pm

I think AS/NT is more likely to work if you are both highly intelligent and share many common values.



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27 Sep 2018, 2:41 pm

I actually think that an AS/NT pairing can work, especially if the NT is open minded, more introverted, and understands the challenges that come with AS.

And of course, the AS partner needs to be able to be open to work on the friendship/relationship as well. No relationship ever works if it's only a one-way street, with one party making all the effort while the other does nothing.


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27 Sep 2018, 2:49 pm

True, a lot is possible if both partners are willing to make compromises and meet "somewhere in the middle."



rick42
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27 Sep 2018, 3:35 pm

Luhluhluh wrote:
I actually think that an AS/NT pairing can work, especially if the NT is open minded, more introverted, and understands the challenges that come with AS.

And of course, the AS partner needs to be able to be open to work on the friendship/relationship as well. No relationship ever works if it's only a one-way street, with one party making all the effort while the other does nothing.



Most likely the relationship between NT and AS/ASD people will not work due to the fact NT's have nothing in common with Aspies, and when it does work,it's rare. Regardless of how weird and introvert the NT is,they are still a vastly different people than Aspies. NT's and Aspies are like two entirely different tribes that have nothing in common with one another.Also a Vast majority of NT's are not open minded towards Aspies at all, and they can't nor want to understand Aspies and what we go through.



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27 Sep 2018, 4:27 pm

rick42 wrote:
Luhluhluh wrote:
I actually think that an AS/NT pairing can work, especially if the NT is open minded, more introverted, and understands the challenges that come with AS.

And of course, the AS partner needs to be able to be open to work on the friendship/relationship as well. No relationship ever works if it's only a one-way street, with one party making all the effort while the other does nothing.



Most likely the relationship between NT and AS/ASD people will not work due to the fact NT's have nothing in common with Aspies, and when it does work,it's rare. Regardless of how weird and introvert the NT is,they are still a vastly different people than Aspies. NT's and Aspies are like two entirely different tribes that have nothing in common with one another.Also a Vast majority of NT's are not open minded towards Aspies at all, and they can't nor want to understand Aspies and what we go through.


I think you may be basing your opinion on your own personal experiences with the people you have been in contact with, and I guess I can understand that. But it's commonly said around here that "if you've met one Aspie, you've met one Aspie" and that also goes for NTs. Aspies are on a spectrum, that's part of the diagnosis, with some being more socially capable than others. The same goes for NTs. Some NTs are very socially capable and others not so much. My partner is AS while I'm NT - we have been together a long time and, for the most part, it works very well. We both have our faults but our own particular strengths help out the other. And it's funny that he's actually the more social of us - I'm more likely to be the one who doesn't want to go out or talk to anyone. And I have more in common with him than I do other NTs.

I would suggest that there are approximately 7.5 billion people on the planet. Don't get so discouraged that you write off all of us just because you met a few idiots.


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warrier120
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28 Sep 2018, 9:57 pm

Well, it happened. On Wednesday, I told the girl that I had let all of my negative feelings disappear and that I still cared about her. (I let go of all of my resentment on Sunday, I think.) She did say that it was good that I was feeling better, but when I told her I cared about her, she said the same words that previously hurt me. (She said that we should stay distant from each other as acquaintances.) As soon as I heard the girl say that, my eyes instantly filled with tears. Not knowing her possible reactions to crying, I held back the tears and prevented myself from having a full-blown mental breakdown. (I'm the kind of person who NOBODY would want to see cry. I do it either very loudly and to the point where I may give myself a nosebleed or so quietly that I'm almost silent except for some sniffling) We parted and I tried to be positive for the rest of the day. Later, the fit of crying that I was about to have when I was with this girl started at home. I initially couldn't concentrate on my homework and tried to meditate to make myself feel better. It didn't work. I tried to work again but later realized that I was about to start crying. I quickly entered my bedroom and lay on my bed crying quietly and listening to sad music. (Usually sad music actually makes me feel better, but it made me feel worse that time. I was listening to the Tomodachi Life song that plays when a divorcee is sad. It's arguably the most depressing song in the game, as with the short song that plays immediately after a couple breaks up/divorces.) I spent over an hour in my bedroom doing just that before I came out to eat dinner. No homework was done that day.

Unfortunately, that fit of depression carried into the next day. Yesterday, I experienced suicidal thoughts and had to explain my feelings to both my school counselor and the mental health counselor on campus. However, the main reason why I had thought about killing myself was out of spite towards that girl. (I would think of a method of killing myself that would not kill me instantly like stabbing myself in the belly anywhere except a major artery, and I would do it in front of her. While I would be dying, I would want to say things along the lines of, "How does it feel now to suffer," or, "Don't try to save me. I probably don't belong in your world anyway." Then I would watch her to see if she would at least try to save my life.) It was my id (my evil subconscious side) that took over. They determined that I was unlikely to actually kill myself and sent me back when 4th period started. However, my depressed mood wasn't gone. I have 4th and 5th period with that girl this year, and at the beginning of those periods I wept almost silently. I doubt she even noticed, and even if she did, she sure didn't do anything about it. I had an emergency appointment with my psychiatrist yesterday due to my depressive episode. Unlike some of my previous psychiatrists, he did not suggest that I get admitted into the ER. (I stopped seeing the one that did shortly after she told my mom that I needed to be in a mental hospital. Not a very helpful person because whenever I express suicidal thoughts, I never mean it.) He actually consoled me and then convinced me to stop caring about the girl. He had told me some of the positive traits I had to increase my self-esteem and I left his office happy and confident. My psychiatrist knew that I had to recover from the fit of depression, so he wrote me a pass for my mom to give to my school's attendance office excusing me from school today. As part of my IEP goals, my teachers are required to extend the due date of homework and classwork if I can't do it.

Starting from now, I have had a total of 6 dreams about that girl. In 4 of the 6 dreams, she was the main part of the plot. However, after I stopped caring about her, she only appeared as a background character in my previous 2 dreams. No talking with each other or anything. Interestingly enough, in the 5th and 6th dreams, the two of us were in AP Euro together just like in real life. In each dream, I found something mildly amusing about her or her behavior. In the 5th dream, she was writing with her left hand instead of her right, while in the 6th dream, she randomly switched seats with somebody so that she could be at the very front of the classroom like me. These dreams tell me that I'm no longer obsessed with this girl and that I just see society as a bit strange and foreign.


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warrier120
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01 Nov 2018, 9:35 am

After a fairly long time, I have decided to come back to this post. My latest dreams about this girl only feature her as a background character, indicating that my subconscious may be telling me to stop paying attention to her. After involuntarily switching one of the class periods I have with the girl, I have VOLUNTARILY decided to give her the personal space she so desires, and it seems to benefit both parties. (I found benefits to my new class period not involving the girl such as a lot less noise due to it only having about 16 students rather than 40.) Again, like I may have said before, I have NO resentment at all towards this girl.

As for the personal space, I feel really different in the one class I do have with the girl now. At times, I feel a sort of inner peace I've always had trouble obtaining in the past. I am mysteriously calm and content in a way that allows me to concentrate. It seems as though that period is where I report the most mood changes...


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kraftiekortie
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01 Nov 2018, 10:24 am

I hope you get over this girl.

She doesn't seem the type that likes intense emotions.



warrier120
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02 Nov 2018, 9:40 am

I experienced a small-scale meltdown yesterday in the Science Olympiad meeting at my school. I know this girl is the treasurer of SO but didn't care at the time when I joined. For the first and second meetings, I felt foreign, unwanted, and unwelcome for some reason. I knew no one there and observed the girl talking up a storm with everyone along with everyone else talking with each other. Whenever I attended the meetings, I felt foreign because when I took a seat at a table group, nobody sat in my table group. (The only way I thought people would even sit in my table group was if I went to them. They'd have to stay because of the social etiquette. But even then, there would be a small possibility I could be wrong and people would get up and move.) Everyone had their own buddies and/or cliques except me. Nobody even talked to me, and I talked to nobody.

Ultimately, I had to make a choice I found very tough at first: leave SO permanently. I informed the president and advisor that I wasn't coming back and made it important that everyone needed to be and feel included in some way.


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superaliengirl
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02 Nov 2018, 9:59 am

It's been the same way for me always. I've attempted friendships with NTs but either it doesn't go anywhere or as I can admit it's my fault that it ends because I don't have the energy or motivation to stay in touch as often as NTs usually want to. I'll ignore someones text for days if I don't feel like talking to them and that isn't very popular. Romantic relationships with NTs hasn't worked either, my first boyfriend was narcissistic and used me and my second boyfriend had problems that weren't related to ASD so we always misunderstood each other and he'd occasionally complain about my asperger-traits and not understand when I said it's just who I am and I wouldn't fully understand his problems that he dealt with either. Now I only have friends with aspergers and there's never any problems. I don't think it always has anything to do with NTs not liking people with autism, i've personally never had anyone react negatively to me telling them that I have aspergers, but we're so different from each other and that is why a friendship or relationship can be so difficult and an NT can never fully understand why we are the way we are because they don't function the same way. Of course some NTs can be friends with and understand us though. I have a friend who is undiagnosed but a pretty introverted NT who is quite different from others her age and we can relate to each other a lot. But in general I don't see the appeal in forcing friendships with specifically NTs. I have nothing against NTs but i've never been able to relate to them I just pretend I do when we talk whereas I feel comfortable and like I can be myself for once while talking to my asperger friends and I can tell them things I would never tell anyone else.



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04 Nov 2018, 12:16 am

I have a plan for attempting to make myself more understood among other people in my grade. I want to write an article of some sort that explains what I truly think and feel about people. I'm not truly hostile and unfriendly as some believe; I just have different expectations and beliefs. For example, I prefer absolute directness and honesty when someone tells their opinion of me. I don't care if they truly hate me; I just want to hear the truth.

I just really want to get the word out about my issues because the time around the issues with that girl was an exceedingly significant point in my life. There's risk with my idea, however. There's a chance some people will reject my ideas and start bullying me. The good thing is that I know for certain that at least two of my teachers support my idea, so if my ideas aren't accepted by students, then those teachers will accept them.


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04 Nov 2018, 1:05 am

I lack the energy for reading your thread yet I know exactly how this goes. I think it's mostly that people want us back once they're prompted to remember what part of their lives we're relevant to.


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