Freaking out after 30..

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Anybody else has reached 30 and is now freaking out? I feel like I’ve spent my twenties trying to learn to get a date, working, but working at a career I don’t fit in and will eventually be discarded due to lack of competency/laziness, what freaks me out is how alone I am - it used to be fun to get phone calls from my dad, meet with my sister, go out with aspergers group friends, - and I had a job to go to later on. Everything seemed to have good potential.. fast forward to now - my grandmother is 80 and she is my best friend, I became detached from my relatives because I always had to do hide that I am different from other people and so did not fall them for months a time and I feel so bad about it.

And things I worked on like dating, gym, healthy food, clean house - I have not made any progress in ten years. I am more fat, physically weak, my house is messy, etc. I also feel bad how I wasted almost all the money I have earned in my twenties!! And I still waste money on eating out, don’t look at prices and buy anything I want within reason.

I have been banned from forums for saying what I thought or for being sarcastic.. I thought it was good to express yourself because that is how you communicate. I even offended my only friends and they have ceased talking to me.

People expressed interest in me but then everyone I thought who would become a friend or girlfriend potentially have ghosted me and now stay away from me or just don’t have interest in me.

All my life I had to keep a secret from people that I am not like everyone else. I process things differently and when people hear my thought process they cringe and are judgemental.

Also, I suck at being a man - I don’t stand up for myself and literally lose the power to speak when I am laughed at in a group or “alphaed,” I get taken advantage of at the cash register when buying something, I over tip, I get scared and I am a huge coward. I would have the first instinct to put my woman in harms way, rather ham myself. It’s shameful. My natural emotions are shame, shyness, fear, and I can be rude. I can be nice but I can become use and not notice. A lot of what people say has no emotional meaning to me other than it just scares and overwhelms me and I want to tune it out. I am also not a very hard worker and I spend a lot of time trying to make myself feel better by going for a walk around the town, being online, sitting at a coffeeshop, etc. I find safety in being a pessimist.

I was in a psych therapy group, but it was kind of like a cult and they said I was not good for the group. I ended up just mimicking the therapist an earring everyone’s time. I could not talk about myself much or relate and I hated listening to small talk. I just want to approach people as a project to analyze and solve problems but that is not how normal people talk.

I could not find a helpful therapist and when I came to a therapist I blanked out and put on a mask sort of.

When I thought I did not have aspergers, I tried going out, finding a date, a job, have conversations, etc. I alienated people but I also learned and made progress.

When a therapist told me I am actually autistic (precious therapists did not know about autism much but said I just have a lot of anxiety and have built up defenses), I all of a sudden saw learnt that I am doomed whenever I try. That trying leads to people discovering that I am different and hurts people. So I regressed again.

But now being over thirty and I feel like I lost my family because I am no longer the young “kid” and my family has separated and gotten older. I just want to cry.
I can’t believe I spent so much time alone and that I did not use the opportunity to tell my family about my life when I was young.

My dad is 56 now. On second thought it sounds young, but he had hopes for me to be social, successful and have a gf and a wife with kids.

His job is physical and I don’t know how he is going to make enough for retirement.

It also bothers me that we don’t live together.

I had this job where I got a free room in exchange for cleaning the house with elderly people. Because the house job was never fully done since I procrastinate, I could never go away wit family on vacation or even visit family for an extended time.

I wake up after work and feel so alone and desperate. I lack the excitement of going out and having the feeling of social opportunity at my fingertips.

Going to a night club or a meet up event or a movie by myself seems stupid given that I am away from family and always alone still. Every year it gets worse and worse!

My life course has no good trajectory.

My grandmother asked me what is the goal of my life - and I can only say to not waste money I have saved, see family, and not lose the jobs I have worked so hard to get in my twenties. I feel like I have lost the drive and bravery of getting a new job that I had when I was young.

Exercise, being frugal, and cleaning the house and doing my jobs well - just does not seem appealing if I am to remain without a family and possibility of girlfriend and havin fun socializing.

What is scary is that by trying to solve my friends’ problems, I have alienated them and they don’t want to talk to me.

Ny family has survived and branched our for generations - they have married and moved countries and raised kids - and me is where my family eventually ends and does not go on.

This reality is scary!! !

It sounds as if you need an overhaul. I used to trash my life and start over every seven years, on average. If you don't want to change cities, etc, the gradual approach is to change one thing at a time. Establish a small, new, good habit every week or so, when the previous one is established.
It also sounds as if half your trouble is from depression and self-sabotage. You can help a depression that won't yield to logic just with exercise. To get mine, I built it into daily life, always commuting by bicycle.
You can probably re-establish most relationships if you apologize, and ask for quick guidance to learn new ways.

I do that too! and it works lol my average is 6yrs and Ive just done it again recently right on cue but I feel a lot better after it. Forget about what happened before and begin again as if your starting for the first time.

I'm turning 30 in a couple of months and it is a pretty big milestone. It's easy to compare, but not productive. Even if we missed out on some personal victories, we're in a better spot to get them now. More knowledge about what works, what to take seriously and what to let go, etc. So I think it'll turn out alright.

When I was 30, I'd quit the "hobby as profession" I'd tried first. It could have worked, but not with the customers I wanted to work for. I'd also given up on life in a spiritual community, when we got bogged down on internal affairs. The things I'd learned in those two phases were what I returned to when I had to recover from a major trauma, and helped in odd ways throughout.
I had also found that even though I was generally slow as a house builder, when it came time to build something unfamiliar, I was fast and got it right the first time. I'd made some pretty neat gadgets, too, including a streamlined bag set for a long bicycle tour. I was still getting familiar with a new city I'd stayed in at the end of the tour, and going to the library to pursue a new dream involving engineering.
Still ahead were the technical triumphs and social disasters. I had no idea of how lopsided my brain was - I thought that people who didn't "get" math were just slacking off, and that their social lives proved that they were pretty intelligent. That turned out to be the IQ - EQ split. I wish I'd heard of that, and AS, much earlier.
The one thing I'll say about your 30s - they will go by faster than your 20s, as the 20's flew by compared to the teens, etc.

You live in the Midwest where people are easier and it’s less packed. I live in the Northeast where I’ve learned to be unfriendly because everyone else is slightly unfriendly here.

I went into a human service profession to force myself to either learn to be social with people or fail. I made $, and developed a mask that fooled a lot of people! But the job is not my hobby - I suck at my job compared to NTs.

I gave my solitary model boat hobby for social hobbies like shows and social dancing. That got me a few dates and improved my social skills and served as an antidote to my loner reputation at work. But I ended up alone after years of these social hobbies.



I am the opposite again - I am glad doctors first told me I have anxiety and not autism due to me seeming not that bad, maybe I have a little bit they said. I kept hoping I could learn to get a job, make friends, be respected and get dates and eventually a girlfriend or a wife! I tried things I wouldn’t have tried before and I learned and improved. Then the people I was hoping to befriend stopped replying to me and the girls I went on dates with blocked me.. but if I knew I was autistic, I would not have had the audacity to try to learn to be NT.



Holy shi*! Somehow coming from you this hits home. I should get off my ass then, and if exercise is what helps depression, that should be number one then. I have a lot to do before I am 40 or 60.

Many of the negative traits that Aspies have (such as depression) is related to chronic stress and trauma. If you can learn the skills of self regulating stress loading in your body and bringing your body back into balance (homeostasis) then you can solve many of these negative traits.

According to several Aspies, some types of therapy are very beneficial. Therapy targeting fear and stress such as programs that treat PTSD (posttraumatic stress disorder) help. These include somatic experiencing, beam life coaching, Tipi emotional regulation therapy, and exposure therapy.

I would recommend reading a book by Peter A. Levine called "In an Unspoken Voice".

Exercise can normalize stress locked in the limbs of your body but it must be short intense exercise, to be effective. For example running ten 6-second maximal sprints (around a 50-yard dash, running like a bat out of hell) with a 30 second recovery between each sprint will restore your lower body. [This emulates the flight response in a panic.] Less intense exercise will only provide a short term relief lasting only for several minutes or hours.

But you may have to work up to that maximal exercise. That is because your body may be currently out of shape.

I feel great after exercise and social dancing, but can’t get myself to do it or include in my daily routine (I don’t have one.) I just do nothing all day and then go to work.

It sounds like you're having a quarter life crisis. I had one of those when I was 26.

The cure is to improve the areas of your life you're concerned about. Then you won't feel like freaking out.

A number is just a number. I'm working on a new career at 70, as did Grandma Moses. You are living in times of great chaos, and you are a weirdo. Don't expect your life to run on rails.

I'd like to offer another perspective.

I am 34 and was just diagnosed a few weeks ago. I grew up feeling different and struggling socially in a lot of ways. I *had* to learn coping mechanisms and *had* to try really hard to succeed at certain things. I eventually got married and had two children. This is a big struggle for me in many ways but I am trying as hard as hell to be the best person I can. I like to think I am doing a good job.

I noticed that you used the word "doomed" in the context that you can't succeed at certain things because of the diagnosis. I would urge you to think carefully about this mentality. Being autistic does not meet that we are doomed at anything. It does mean we have more difficulty. The degree of difficulty will vary. It will take more work, and a longer time, to learn to succeed at certain things than neurotypicals. It'll mean more failures before we get good at something. For example, I still don't have a clue how to make meaningful friendships, but I'm going to start trying again. It is one of my main goals for the next year. I haven't a clue how to do it, my conversations with everyone always are awkward and I feel different and insecure.

You also mention that you don't feel motivated in your life without the idea of having someone to share it with. So don't give up on that goal. Visualize it as an eventual goal, embrace it and use it to motivate you. It may be a bumpy road, but it will be worth it, and do believe it is possible.

^^ I certainly applaud your effort, but I'd suggest "Work Smarter, Not Harder" would get more done. Some people who are trying to do something for the first time do find their path, but far more are victims of Dunning-Kruger, fooling themselves about their incompetence.
To me, it makes more sense to manage one's life the way Drucker says companies work - make your strengths productive, and your weaknesses irrelevant. I may want to play pro sports, but I know it would be a waste of my time to try. However, I could produce world-class sports equipment, so that's what I should attempt.

Another way of putting it is “disability does not necessarily mean inability”.

Overcoming weakness or more reasonably becoming not as bad at certain things is important but IMHO it should be complemented by focusing on strenghths. What I have noticed is that ALWAYS focusing on ones weaknesses means not knowing ones strengths.

For example Autistic people tend to be poor at multitasking and good at hyperfocusing on one task. So that should be kept in mind when dealing with the many problems autistics face in life. When we think about the “big picture” it becomes overwhelming leading to an almost irresistable urge to say “f**k it” and give up. Better to deal with one or two issues at a time.

I'm 32 and spent the last 13 years of my life in chronic illness. I don't have anything to show for my life either really. I am single, unemployed, on disability, live with my parents. I feel like my life has passed me by and will continue to do so. I suppose I could have had a different life if I wasn't sick all this time, worked for the last 13 years, saved, suffered some misfortune and lost everything anyways and I would still be in the same place, minus the work experience. Would I feel any different, I don't know, I am not sure that I would.

When I was 27, I gave up my second career for my true vocation, and started fresh with less stuff that I could carry in one trip. Still ahead were most of my significant enterprises. I didn't notice any problems with aging until I was well into my 60s, except for loss of range of vision, easily corrected.
The whole world is probably going to be hard to recognize in another ten years, and most of those changes have yet to start, so you certainly have a chance to get involved.