Friendship

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Is there different kind of friendships? I still don’t know about friendship, how it works.

You can be friends with somebody without being lovers.

You can also be friends with your lover.

It’s better for lovers to be also friends with each other.

Apparently, there are "different friends for different reasons".

I personally have a tendency to only want 1 friend for all reasons. Having one friend to tell everything to and do everything with is enough, and I find it exhaustingly impossible to figure out multiple people, open up to them, but not too much too quickly, keep conversations going, ask the right questions, work up to inviting them to things, etc etc.

However, most NT's don't want only 1 friend for all reasons. They want lots of friends for lots of reasons. The reasons include people to hang out at home with and watch TV, people to out to restaurants and bars with, people to go to the gym with, people to talk about their problems with, people to talk gossip with, people to ask opinions about their professional life, people to go shopping with, people to goof around with, etc etc.

People tend to choose specific friends for specific reasons because they give them what they want. I would rather tell everything to one consistent person that I trust, and have them give me a truthful opinion back, whether good or bad. However, many people would rather tell things to all different people, and then favor the one who gives back the opinion that they wanted to hear.

These reasons for specific friends can and do also change frequently. The person you go out to bars with could become the person you hang out at home with, and the person who you talk about problems with might stop caring about your problems and suddenly find someone else to talk problems with. The changes often happen as a response to life changes, like moving, getting an new school or job, getting married, joining a new gym or sports team, etc. But sometimes, they happen for no apparent reason.

I guess when looking for friends, you should first figure out what you want friends for. If you're sick of being lonely at work and eating lunch alone, then make it a goal to make friends at work, but the REASON for those friends will be to have someone to talk to at work. They are probably not going to be the friends that come over for movie night. However, if you keep being friends with them and talk to them daily, and then they start texting you on weekends too, then they become friends for other reasons besides just not being lonely at work, and maybe it wouldn't be weird to invite them to an activity like movie night sometime.

If you're like me and don't see a need for "many friends for many reasons", then just choose your most important reasons for having friends and try to find people to fill those specific needs. You may not become that person's "1 friend for all reasons", but as long as your list of reasons is short, they could still become yours!

This is all stuff I've learned through experience and have found it valid in my world. Hope this helps!

I agree with you, Kitty. This seems like it would be an obvious question, but it's really not.

I had a best friend when I was a boy. He lived next door to me. He was obviously a friend as it was mutually acknowledged as such.

I had several good friends in high school the friendships of which extended into my mid to late twenties and included me being roommates with some of them, doing activities together, etc. These "friendships" were also obvious to everyone involved. After they and/or I moved away from each other, got married, etc we ceased to remain in contact and the friendships ended.

I have had no one that I would consider a "friend" since that time for over two decades now. My wife and I are mutually best friends, but no one else.

At this point in my life, what is a "friend" or what would a "friend" be?

Someone at work that I exchange pleasantries with and have good conversations with but do nothing outside of work together?

Someone that I meet for lunch once every few years and that's it?

For a "friendship" to exist for me now, would that mean the both myself and the other party would have to acknowledge being friends with each other?

there are different depths and ways of human relationship. there is the "i need to help them" people. there is the "they save my life" people. there is the "they will literally kick my ass if it will help me get up" people. there is the "pleasant but casual" thing. "they dont want to know me deeper, but fun to be around, as long as we dong dig deeper" sort of people. the "talk for hours", the "go out with" (given my complications with that), the "play an online game with". the "i havent seen them for years and they still care". the "i seen them yesterday and every day, and they still dont care". closed. open. all the ways to all the sides. its hard to wrap around. 1 person is not enough, it just burns both up (sorry banana). the "10 years younger than me and understands me so full" the "10 years younger than me, and delightfully innocent". the "my age and so different in 10 different ways". the "30 years older, got an advice i can use". the "we can relate on topic of physical disabilities". the "wont give an advice, but i can gauge something". the "allways knows another cool track i havent heard". the "takes me for some sort of prophet". the "keeps it distant and with a lot of filters and i respect that". the "allways has a calming word". the "go wild with in several different ways". the "understands me total wrong, but is so sweet". the "trash sense of humour i so love". the "refined sense of humour i so love". hell, i can go on for a long time. some of those definitions are shared by different people, some are shared in 1 person. with my multiplity i need them all, and then more. i can be a different me with each of them, and if i shapeshift in their eyes they undestand. or at least accept. i am sorry if i exploded somebody's brain with this. i hope somebody finds it useful.