Need advice ( long post )

Post Reply New Topic

Still new to the forum ( even though I joined this forum months ago but haven't been active in posting )

So here it goes . .

This year has been kinda rough in ways, but handling things alot better now.
Lost a close friend of mine I've only knew online a few months ago. Honestly, I know he's in a better place because his illness really did take a toll on him. Looked at pics he posted of himself a few days before he passed on his social media account. ( I couldn't do that a few months ago because it would really make me sad, it still does, but I've come to terms with it )

We were really good friends, it could've turned into a relationship but we both agreed that it'll be better off to remain friends ( his health went down fast last year ). I've connected with him on a level like I knew him before, crazy chemistry. I would always talk to him about everything, from depression, cutting, therapy, likes, dislikes, men, etc.

Learned alot from our friendship and very happy to be a part of his life during his last years....
He was very concerned about me being ok after his passing ( he knew he wasn't going to be around long, now that I look back I totally understand why he did certain things to distance himself from me because he knew I would take it really hard )

One of his main concerns would be would I'd be able to connect with someone else in the future.......


In a few months it'll mark a year of his passing, it doesn't feel like he's "Dead", I can totally still feel his presence and it's pretty cool. I'm not a psychic, talk to ghost, or what you see on TV / hollywood about spirits etc

( Hence even though my screen name is "Tirips" which is backwards for "Spirit" )

Over the past year I've been bettering myself by going to therapy
Volunteering at a shelter twice a week
Starting painting again, crafting
Being my own best company, and making short / long term goals for myself

I'm on medication but for me, meds don't always work.
I've noticed that me meditating, and learning more about myself and paying close attention to my triggers, and gut feelings help me out with certain things but I still go to therapy every 2 weeks......................


So here comes this tough part for me.............................

Haven't been dating, not interested in hook ups ( haven't done that in years )
Not too interested in Facebook which I deactivated.
Been focusing on my crafting, going to gym, myself, and feel great ! !! !

I have a friend that I've always been interested in whom lives in Cali.
Older guy ( I'm 29, he's 44 or 46 ), divorced, has 3 teenage kids, great father, great person all around
I've been friends with him for about 5 years now.

He knows my orientation which is gay , but consider myself a Gay - Asexual
Everytime we talk it's good convo's, I never asked about his preference because I really don't do that lol
on his FB it doesn't say interested in "Female" or "Male"

So I'm thinking nothing of it right, I'm cool as his friend. He totally reminds me of certain friends, family members who are no longer alive whom I had great friendships with.

I never flat out told him I have a crush on him, but I would always send " " emojis and "xoxoxo" and he would always respond back. But would never say if he's interested or not, which wasn't the intentions of me getting him to respond. I just wanted him to know lol

Recently, about a month ago, something in me told me to open up to him about my friend's recent passing.
He was shocked I've opened up to him about everything, then he responded back saying everything I do is "Therapeutic " for him, as he's dealing with the lost of his father, they were really close.

I didn't know that he was suffering from "Alcoholism" and "Depression" until he told me about his dad's passing, but he's getting better and taking one day at time, and I believe he's going to therapy / counseling to quit drinking

I always check on him as friend to see if he's doing ok because I honestly do care alot about him and don't want to lose someone else to death

Since we were being open to each other ...... I ALMOST told him I have a huge crush on him and he doesn't have to like me back and it's totally ok. But I contained myself, and just backed off and just remained being a good friend by making sure he's ok. There's a time and place for everything so, I just wanted to but that on the back burner and make sure he was doing "Ok" first..........................................

Then he says to me which I think is so sweet and made my day ( I don't remember word from word but I'll sum it up lol )

" Tirips, how are you, haven't heard from you in a while , I'm getting myself better, you have to get better also ( He knows about my cutting ) you're very talented, attractive and just hang it there "


So I didn't look too deep into it, I just responded " Thanx, been hanging in there, hope you're doing ok xoxo"

I haven't cut since December last year, makes a year right before Christmas, I'm still going to better myself as time goes on.


I decided to plan a trip to Cali, in 2020, for trip by myself ever, first time going to Cali.......and I'm so excited, I'm going to be hanging with another friend of mine who recently relocated there. She's been trying to get me to visit Cali for the longest but I wasn't ready to take on traveling that far yet by myself. I've traveled all along the east coast, but now ready for another adventure to celebrate turning 30, even though in 2020 I'll be 31, just going to celebrate it then so I can save enough money, and plus I want to spend more time alone to get mentally, physically, spiritually better.



All of my friends know about the guy whom I like including my friend who just moved to Cali
I introduced them two and they are great friends. My older cousin is friends with him also............
I talked to my cousin on the phone and she told me , that she told him that I like him
( I'm not ashamed or shocked because she does have a big mouth so it's like whatever )

She told me that he likes me too, and thinks very much of me........I thought she was lying because I was thinking why wouldn't he tell me that on FB ???

After thinking about it, I'm like maybe he's just waiting to see me in person and maybe he'll open up to me more. Because during our talks right after my friend passed, he's been more open with me now...........

Now here is where the anxiety, panic attacks kick in. I want to just tell him I have a crush......but now I don't have to because he knows already, But does it seem odd in a way that he hasn't said anything at all to me about that. I'm toooooooo afraid to tell him lmaooooooooooooo

Funny thing is when we first became friends, I told him I would freak out everytime I see a pic of him, it would remind me of myself in alot of ways. And he emailed me back saying the exact same thing lolllllll

On his bday, I made a photo collage of us, because people would always joke how we look either like a couple or related ( which we are not, his family is from Spain / Latino ) and none of my family are from Spain, or other countries of that area or share the same ethnicity / race


I didn't think he was going to like the collage, but my goodness left a comment saying
"I just got up this AM and saw this, this is the best present someone has ever given me" and he was totally gushing over it commenting back and forth with me and he shared it on his profile so his family could see it lmaoooooooooo


So I'm really just not knowing what to expect, He's not the "sole" reason why I'm going to Cali, I've always wanted to visit Los Angeles but didn't know anyone there to hang with because my anxiety can get pretty intense to the point I shell up for a few days, weeks. But I'm going to meet him while I'm there while I'm visiting for about 3 weeks.

I told my therapist ( whom I miss so so so so much , who retired last month , now I have a new therapist I'm going to meet next week, wish me luck lol ) about the email he sent to me a few weeks back and she told me just be patient and take it one day at a time.......

Which is what I'm doing.
It's just very hard knowing someone you have a big crush on, knows you have a crush on them but doesn't say anything but kinda looks forward to interacting with you.........If that makes any sense lol


Good gawd it felt like I wrote a 10 page essay, watch me not be happy with what I wrote because I'd feel like I left out some details. But thanks to anyone who reads this 100 page issue and responded lol it means alot

I sense that you shouldn’t go further than “friends” with this guy.

It’s just a gut feeling.

Couldn't go back and edit my last post. Something is off with my browser (Chrome )

Right after posting the long post, didn't sleep too well. I slept great but woke up with a headache.
I'm glad I didn't sugar coat anything to avoid a honest answer


I guess with making the post and then reading it as if it wasn't me who made the post, and look at it from different view. It makes sense to me. I'm not going to purse........( maybe that's not a good word to use ) , maybe to keep catching feelings for someone who doesn't give me a response. I know sometimes " No response" doesn't always mean bad. However I had to look at it as I'm not a hard person to interact with. I'd rather deal with a "rejection" than to deal with a guessing game.


Joked with my other friend earlier saying it's not like I'm writing in another language he doesn't understand. I've gave him my number to talk as friends but he's never called, and I always have to initiate contact, even though he's cool, friendly. But I'd rather not go down that road when I'm not even sure what I'm getting myself into........ Don't want to relapse again.


It's funny how the things that get me down always happen on the day before or the day I attend therapy, at least I'd have something to talk about when I go there. Glad I found this forum to post this to because I know I wouldn't go on FB or talk to alot of people about it. I'll try to hang in there , it sucks, but I'm pretty much not surprised.

Going to still plan my trip to Cali and visit my other friend who relocated there from Cali, and just go out and have fun. and not worry about this at all ( I did tell myself the day before, I'm going to deactivate all of my social media accounts to just get away from it all and focus on me , the trip, and reset my mind for 3 weeks )


Thanx kraftiekortie for reading and the response ! !!

Hello

By the time I'd finished reading I'd come to the conclusion that you would know the answer better than any

suggestion I could make. I'm sorry about your friend who died and I'm glad you have friends.