NT dating an aspire for 5 years. Need advice!

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Hey all!
I'm new to this forum and this is my first post .
So basically my story is as follows -
I started dating a guy 5 years ago which turned into a serious relationship. He is very successful, wealthy, comes from a good family, etc but I always felt there was something off with him/ lacking in the relationship . As the years went on , his behavior became worse and more apparent. He has no filter, says whatever he is thinking (mostly inappropriate stuff) , we would get in fights because he would make comments about other women in front of me and I just thought he was being a douchebag basically.


Then I started to notice the lack of intimacy. He's always been a very sexual person and constantly wants sex but never holds my hand, kisses me, cuddles, etc. He is a workaholic , (in the creative field) and his mind seems to only focus on that . We would go on dates and he would only want to discuss work , everything else seemed irrelevant or not important / trivial to him. When we started living together, I would cook most nights and he would come in the door and act like I was invisible , going immediately to his work or his one other hobby (piano or guitar) I felt invisible.


When we went on vacation , things blew up. He started acting out, was on his worst behavior, called ME boring, etc and it led to a huge fight.


3 years after we started dating he broke up with me on christmas day while visiting my parents out of town and it devastated me because I found out he had started seeing someone else. I had to start over, move out with little money (I financially struggle but he had been supporting me) . A few months later, he contacted me saying he made a mistake and that he loved me and missed me . We spent a year apart ( I dated other people and so did he) Eventually I came back to him because he was on his best behavior and was treating me like a queen. I thought he had changed for good because he finally realized what he was missing.


After coming back to him, before long the same patterns began to emerge again. I spoke with his family and mine and we agreed that he was displaying signs of Asperger's (which at the time I knew little about) once I researched , everything became clear . I found a couple's therapist who we have been seeing for months now and is helping immensely. I am grateful that he recognizes that he has Asperger's and wants to get help , however it is starting to dawn on me that my emotional needs might never be met and it might be a long road of loneliness and emotional emptiness which is tearing me apart. I love him and I know he loves me , I just don't know if I can be strong enough to deal with the ups and downs and verbal abuse for the rest of my life.


He constantly puts me down - whether it's making comments that i'm lazy / not working hard enough, (which I do) , gets annoyed when I get sick or am feeling down ( I struggle with depression and anxiety) , or making comments about not liking certain clothes i'm wearing. One example is the other morning after a night of bad sleep ( I suffer insomnia) he told me "Having a child is going to ruin you!" That comment hit me hard. Even though I brought it up in therapy and he apologized later its stuff like that that bothers me the most. He has always viewed me as weak, and I don't feel respected by him. I am starting to realize that I've kind of shut down emotionally around him to protect myself. I have always been a goofy, fun loving, warm passionate woman and he somehow sees me as unmotivated, lazy, cold, quiet, and uninteresting. I have enough self respect to know that I am not any of those things but the fact that he sees me that way really hurts me.


Anyway, sorry for the long post but I guess I'm just seeking advice from other NT's out there with experience dating an Aspie male. Is there any hope? Or should I move on for good? My gut tells me that I deserve to be with someone who can let me be myself and fill my emptiness but I also do love him and I feel like I would be abandoning him if I left. He says he can't live without me but then again all he seems to care about is work. I feel like I'm going crazy sometimes. Someone PLEASE help me! I need advice!

Thank you

Under ideal circumstances, an Aspie male can have his love interest almost as his special interest, and based on that, keep the passion going for a long time. This doesn't seem to be the case for you two, and he even sees you as boring and buries himself in other strong interests. I'm afraid that you cannot create this passion after having been together for five years, and so I anticipate things will continue the same way.

I understand. But even while he is doing his work or hobby , he wants me there and says he enjoys my presence . He also does have some moments where he comes through and genuinely hugs me and is very loving , sincere , and happy . I guess if I am not a special interest of his , why would he spend time going to therapy and working on himself if it didn’t mean enough to him ? I guess I’m confused because he says he’s going to propose in the next few months and wants kids , etc but why would he want all that ? Why not just find another girl or be single . Why me ?

Was he formerly diagnosed?

What do you think he meant by you having a child would wreck you?

Are you asking for advice strictly from NTs or Aspie's too?

I think he is attached to you, and because of that, he will want to have you around. I think he is likely to want to have you around for a long time, but he will prefer not to want to put a lot of effort into the relationship. I think that when Aspies no longer have a crush and haven't built up a passion, they still want to have their loved one around, but they won't feel passionate about it. Still, most relationships will enter that stage sooner or later, so I don't think Aspie or not has much to do with that.

I think that if you thrive in each other company, there is no real reason to end it. Things probably won't get worse, but it won't get much better either.

Yes he’s been diagnosed .
And he made the comment that a kid would wreck me because I don’t get good sleep implying that I wouldn’t be able to handle being up all night with a baby .
I’m seeking advice from both sides

How is he around other people's kids? Does he like kids? Is he good with kids? Does he "click" with kids?

You hear people say things like: "I was never a kid person, but then I had my own and words can't describe how much I love my child." I don't doubt that both NT and ND people can feel that way.

I have to say that having kids and being a Dad has been very difficult for me. Being around people is hard for me in general and always has been because unlike things, people are unpredictable. That causes me anxiety. Other than people with certain types of mental illnesses, you know who the most unpredictable people typically are? Kids.

If he's not a kid person and prefers to be largely in his own world now, I think you and he, perhaps along with your couples therapist really need to think about things before bringing any kids into the world. A distant parent is a bad thing.

It's also true what someone else said that a new relationship can be an Aspie's "special interest" but when the "honeymoon" wears off and they resort or revert to the solitude they need it can cause problems. Some ND people on the board here have said they're extroverted and people oriented. I don't understand that. I'm not that way at all. I absolutely must have my solitary time, hours of it every night after the kids are in bed. THANKFULLY my wife likes a lot of alone time (and we've been married 17 years). If my wife wanted/needed a lot of regular attention and communication from me she would feel our relationship was awful. If my wife didn't like alone time I think our relationship dynamic would be a disaster for her.

I can't speak for your man, and obviously Aspies aren't all alike, but speaking from my experience, if you're expecting a life of "walking hand in hand" with your man and being totally engaged with him most all of the time and having you both be on the "same wavelength" and having you communicate with each other in the same ways.........you may be disappointed.

Example: If he has sensory processing issues and you two go out to a busy noisy restaurant to spend quality time together, he may certainly enjoy the experience in some ways, but he will not be able to focus solely on you. He will be distracted by everything else. It will cause him a certain amount of stress and anxiety from mild to severe or anywhere in between (depending on the individual). It will not be like the world falls away and it's just the two of you with nothing else mattering. How he sees and experiences the world, his world is different than your world. That doesn't mean he can't be in or contribute to a relationship. But you two will never fully be the same in ways that NT couples can be fully the same.

These are my opinions based on my personal experience. Others may disagree.

I thought of a great analogy of what life is like for me and my limitations and challenges of enjoying and "being in the moment" (I can rarely do that):

Imagine you're a captain of a large ship and you're steering it through a narrow canal. The canal is located in a spectacularly scenic and beautiful part of the world. While you're able to take a few quick glances and get a sense of the scenery, in the moment you are forced to focus on all the aspects and steps of steering the ship. Therefore, you can't fully enjoy the scenery at that moment. You may be able to "replay the scene" in your mind at a later time, perhaps days later and recall how beautiful it looked when you took your quick glances, but that's it.

That's my life. I'm the captain, the ship is my body/mind. The canal is all the challenges I face during the day interacting with others, listening to them, conversing, working...navigating through the day and the next day, figuring out how to navigate through THAT day and the day after that, figuring out how to navigate through THAT day. Repeat..... The "executive functioning" and reaction to sensory stimuli are not things I can leave to the subconscious and go on "auto-pilot" with. The spectacular scenery is...life.

That probably doesn't make sense.

Does he need solitary time to "recharge his batteries"?

There's a difference between saying things without a filter and being mean to someone. That would concern me if I were you. I would NEVER call me wife a name or belittle or demean her. She is my partner. Hell, she's the only real friend I have. She and I are a team and we look at each other as such.

I was in a marriage previously where my ex did call me names, berate and belittle me. I did not reciprocate. It was a toxic relationship in large part because of that.

When you say he has no future, do you mean he makes crass jokes or that he says stuff that's hurtful?

Sometimes my girlfriend complains when I do overtime on Saturday and Sunday because she wants to spend time with me. I understand her pain but I want to help my career as well. I know it can be tough dating a workaholic but it's better than dating an unemployed slacker.

Is it possible he's a workaholic because he feels he has to support you financially Is that one of the reasons you got together with him or are still dating him

Your story could be my story. I am married and only last week was my husband diagnosed. It is not easy for a NT to understand their aspie partner. My husband would also say the most direct rude things to me and I would literally ache. Why would he say that? I would never say something so hurtfull to him. But the biggest area of relief for me was realising that my husband and I are complete opposites. We don't speak the same "language".
If i speak english words and my husband speaks german words we would not understand each other. But we would also not expect to understand each other and find an alternative way to communicate.
For me knowledge of the neurological differences between myself and my husband is what i believe will bring us closer. We will both have to make compromises where we can and make allowances where we have to. Example: last weekend i wanted to visit a town not too far from us because it was the whale festival and i really wanted to see the whales (its pretty awesome) but my husband hates crowds. So I suggested we go really early. He dropped me off at the look out point. Parked the car and joined me. We probably only stayed about 30 minutes. I could have stayed for hours. But while i was enjoying the experience i knew he was not. So i suggested we leave. He made the effort to go with me, and i made an effort to keep the outing short. I was so grateful that he went, and he was grateful that we left.

Magna I love your analogy . . . It helps a lot. I’m not in a relationship but have a friendship with an aspie male. It used to be a close friendship but now we’re just casual friends. In his world probably nothing has changed friendship wise other than I’m not so annoying wanting to chat or meet so often! It’s only a friendship yet I have found it so difficult to navigate . . .. .

Thanks for all the advice guys!
So update -
We have continued to go through therapy every 2 weeks which is helping a little bit. Last week he proposed! The entire day was surreal and I totally saw it coming because his entire personality / demeanor changed . He told me he was taking me to dinner and overnight at a cute little lodge (he would never normally do that) and the entire day he was sincere, kind, romantic (holding hands, etc which he NEVER does) and managed to focus on me the entire day which was a breath of fresh air and felt so good. It meant a lot to me and I know that he put forth a lot of effort to do that for me and make it special. However the past week following he has flown into a full blown aspie rage , which i'm used to by now but still concerns me how he's able to turn his behavior "on and off" . Like the day he proposed he was a different person. Is this normal? Or just manipulative?

I'm still trying to figure out if I can deal with this the rest of my life. It seems like 20% of the time I see the true soft side and romantic side of him and the rest of the time I am pretty ignored, berated, talked down to, etc. But he still wants me around all the time. It's just plain confusing and nerve wracking for me in this pivotal time in my life when I need to make a decision. I love him and his family and want this to work. I realize that I am sacrificing a lifetime of a romantic less relationship and feeling invisible however I myself am very independent and like my "me" time so it somewhat works .
I guess my main concern right now is if it's going to get better with age or worse.
He is great around kids. I still am concerned about having kids and him possibly talking down to the kid like he does to me. But after observing him around his family (tons of kids) he always does so great with them and is so sweet with them.

I don't know if I can answer your question but I will give it a try.

These are some positive traits of Aspies:
* They are usually loyal and dependable. Competing to get ahead is less important than solving problems and meeting challenges. Conscientiousness, faithfulness and devotion to duty matter more than ambition, especially if that ambition would cause others to suffer.
* Adults with Aspergers pursue ideas they believe in without being deterred by what others say. They are not easily swayed by others’ opinions, nor do they give up because someone tries to convince them otherwise.
* They are good at recognizing patterns and in classifying things. They are comfortable with order, precision and categorization, which make them successful in following rules, allocating resources and solving problems.
* They tend to be sincere, positive and genuine, which make them loyal and dependable friends.
* Speaking their minds regardless of the social context is true of many adults with Aspergers. They are much more interested in someone’s skills and expertise than whether that person is viewed favorably by others.
* Adults with Aspergers are especially good at noting and recalling details. They are helpful at work that requires knowledge of facts, details, and memory. They are often exceptional at the recall of details forgotten or disregarded by others. They have a passion for gathering and cataloging information on a topic of interest.
* An acute sensitivity to specific sensory experiences and stimuli, including touch, vision, and smell is common and having such unusual sensory experiences gives them a different perspective on the world.
* Adults with Aspergers tend to be trusting of others, even charmingly naïve. They are compassionate and caring, and many maintain the belief in the possibility of positive relationships.
* They are often direct, speak their mind and are honest. Many have a strong sense of social justice.
* Because they don’t mind being alone, they are often willing to engage in solitary work that others avoid, which puts them in the position of making tremendous contributions at work and school.
* They are able to comprehend multiple levels of meanings of words and ideas and can form connections that others miss.
* They are persistent, and when they set their minds to something or make a promise they can usually be trusted to follow through.
* A relationship with someone who has Aspergers tends to be free from bias and discrimination based on race, gender, age or other differences. They judge people based on their behavior not the color of their skin, socioeconomic status or political influence.
* They are not inclined to be bullies, con artists or social manipulators.
* “Most of the major advances in science and the arts have been made by people with Asperger’s”

So one of the qualities is - They are often direct, speak their mind and are honest. Many have a strong sense of social justice. Based on that it is important for you to be direct, speak your mind and be honest. If you feel that he has hurt you, you must bring it up to him and explain your feeling. Otherwise he will never know. He will be clueless. You will need to set some guidelines or ground rules about your relationship so that it works properly. He should not be hurting you or belittling you.

In a marriage two people join together and they can be stronger than a single person. They can balance each other out so that one persons strength can compensate for the other persons weakness and vice versa. It is really important for each partner to have each others back.

His fits of anger are due to stress. If the two of you can help minimize his stress levels, you may solve this problem. When he breaks out in rage, this most likely has less to do with you than his interaction with the world outside. Its like he might be carrying a hundred pound load of stress and the one ounce that came from an interaction with you was what tipped the scale. It was the straw that broke the camels back. With Aspies one of the things they generally need is their alone time in order to recharge their batteries. If he can learn to purge the stress from his body and then learn self regulation techniques, things may improve. He has a lot of trauma buried inside him.

Thank you for that advice