Frustrated beyond my limit

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Hi everyone. I've finally decided to try and seek out other people who may have had similar life issues and experiences as me, I am in my late 20's and have been diagnosed with Autism of the high functioning type 3 separate times that I'm aware of from childhood to late teens. I struggle with whether it's true or not I have this, I live with some sort of deep trauma from childhood or SOMETHING that I'm very confused about, I am having difficulty trying to describe and explain this. I've struggled and fought for my sanity my whole life, dealing with extreme emotional issues, very destructive anger and a great deal of sadness and depression. I've burned a lot of bridges, I've torched a lot of good opportunities, I'm in my late 20's and I can't hold a steady job because of anger and general difficulty harmonizing and working with others over time without incident and I'm starting to become concerned as I approach my 30's in a few years how I am going to support myself in the future when my parents die and I have no one to fall back on. I have life issues as someone with this condition I need to start getting worked out within the next few years. I need help.

Despite the diagnosis, I've been unable to qualify for SSDI because I have a work history since I was 18. I've honestly been able to do any job I've ever had, always been a hard worker, not always the hardest but never a slacker. I always tried to work extra hard to try to persuade employers to keep me and not let me go because I'm different and I don't socialize properly, and the fact that I obviously have issues, I try to get them to overlook that fact. But I am running into the same issues over and over and over again and I need to hear from other people with this condition how you deal with this issue, because I am at a dead loss at trying to deal with myself and trying to find help. I've never been fired from a job, but what usually happens is my behavioral problems/difficulties socializing cause disrupting tension and feuds with other people to the point where I am forced out, laid off, or I reach my limit and quit, typically ending up living with one of my folks and isolating until I get so sick of being depressed I leave home again. This is a cycle I've repeated for somewhere around the 5th time recently.

I got into a really cool job doing wildland firefighting which I managed to last in for about a year and a half up until a few months ago. I really liked that job, it was the hardest job I ever had, it pushed me physically to my limits, I had about 20 other co workers at any given time and it pushed me to my limits socially, mentally and emotionally. I worked harder in that job than any job I've ever had and expect to have in my life. I was renting a room, had roommates, was going out on a regular basis to bars with my roommates, meeting women. I got to travel the country and meet a lot of different people. Last year I had 1 crew and worked with the same group of ~15 other individuals the whole year, but I ended up quitting as my mental health and thinking patterns spiraled into deep negativity and paranoia. I institutionalized myself to get a break not from the work, but the social tension and disharmony I have a pattern of creating everywhere I go and this is the pattern which I struggle with so severely.

I had good references from a couple people I worked with in a federal agency that was enough to land a job elsewhere and I soon relocated for the new job. I worked with several different crews during the winter this year before fire season started. I worked with new coworkers every assignment and made it through without any major incidents for 6 months until I landed on my originally assigned crew which was a new crew which the agency was acquiring vehicles/equipment/overhead for and had never worked together. Anyway coming to that crew was my downfall. I didn't barely make it through the very first incident with this crew which we had some pretty stressful assignments that made me more vulnerable emotionally and mentally after working a 36 hour shift the very first day of this incident. I was having serious problems with my mental health not from the work in itself but from having to try to deal with being around this new group, which was an exceptionally challenging group. I had considered leaving the incident several times while trying to keep myself from wigging out. But I was wigging out. I was triggered on a level I didn't know how to deal with, experiencing a growing fact that I was being rejected by the group, I was experiencing bullying, harrassment and situations that I didn't know how to handle properly... I stuck it through to the end of the assignment but I knew before we went home after those 14 days I was getting booted off the crew. In my exit interview my captain and my boss we met with 2 other people from HR to discuss why I was being taken off the crew and what my perspective was. In a nutshell I was a good worker, but caused disharmony that they described as a domino effect... and that was basically the end of it. I eventually quit. I lost my vehicle and ran out of money. Mental health spiralled.

I struggle very hard with getting a grip on my own thinking, controlling my anger and frustration trying to deal with my own damn self, social situations, social anxiety and just being around people in general. I've never been able to integrate harmoniously into a group and have abandoned the idea currently of looking for a job that deals with any kind of group... I realize I will always have to deal with people in some way and it's not that practical that I'm going to find a job where I am completely alone.... even though thats ideal, because I'm f*****g done with this BS. f**k people. f**k socializing. f**k this whole god damn world. Of course I'm only saying that right now because I know I'm going to try again, I can't just commit suicide, I can't go run to the streets and do drugs anymore, I don't want to go to prison and I don't want to be institutionalized...

I am profoundly frustrated guys. I don't have the tools to deal with myself, how to accept this diagnosis, how to socialize properly, how to process my life experience, the confusion, everything. I struggle very deeply with negative thinking the majority of the time. I close myself off completely in most social situations in a automatic fear reaction where I am literally afraid of people and cant open up, which degrades further and further and further.

I am desperate and recognizing the need to work on myself, I want to know how other people with this condition deal with things like self acceptance and socializing... and basically every issue i've talked about in this post...where do you get help with this?

You can't substitute hard work for not socializing. That is why you find yourself without a job.

If you work too hard that "raises the bar" for everyone else. You need to do a similar amount of work to everyone else.

While I agree you cannot substitute hard work for social fitness, you can still even out the playing field and turn things around in your favor. You seem to be what I like to call "an introvert among introverts." I am basing that on your having been here at WP for a year and a half and only made one post.

My life had been a lot like yours until I entered the computer field (in the late 1980s). That was where I was with others who were like me and we all worked on our own stuff and interaction was minimal. Things were good there for many years until some sociopaths crawled up from the depths and ruined the work atmosphere but I was able to stick it out til I could retire about five years ago.

I can't simply recommend you go into the computer/internet sector, that may not suit you. I do recommend you take the Campbell Interest and Skill Survey (its online, search for it) and that will give you areas to pursue that suit your abilities and temperament. Plus following the path(s) that Survey gives you should land you in a work environment with others who are much like you. No guarantees of course. Hope this helps.

I mess around with wireshark alot just out of curiosity and am pretty interested in networking and security, what do you know about that field?

Well at the moment, job prospects in the computer field are pretty good, but that will eventually change as the economy is going to experience a downturn at some point (not because of who controls Congress or the White House but just because these things inevitably happen).

OTOH I think it's awesome that somebody diagnosed with autism (sorry I'm not sure just what type 3 is) has been able to make a living as a firefighter. I think your first priority would have to be your mental health, so most of us don't seem to understand how chemical we are, but I would continue to try to get the best psychiatric treatment you can find; with the right medication and therapeutic support you might be able to return to firefighting (I have the impression you basically enjoy this, and sitting motionless in front of a computer to make a living, as I do, might frustrate you big time).

There are people here who seem perfectly fine based on their posts and are even in stable relationships but yet can't get through a single week working at like a store. Whereas you were out in the bush fighting fires for like a year and a half?

Of course I don't really know every detail, but I can't help thinking that.

Servicing cell phone towers may be a good job for an ex firefighter with social interaction issues. They need a lot of people for difficult work.

Ditto what Mona said...with the caveat that some methods of meditation can do more harm than good for folks who tend to be excessively ruminative. For these folks, vipassana or insight meditation may worsen obsessive negativistic thought patterns; if so, samatha-type meditation might be a better fit. Anything which triggers a 'fight or flight' response by your limbic system will dump a bunch of adrenaline and cortisol into your system, making you feel anxious, irritable, and even angry, and making sitting meditation virtually impossible. If that's the case, any form of mindful exercise, including walking meditation or Tai Chi, can help focus the mind while burning off some of the excess glucose and adrenaline. For some folks, clinical depression and/or anxiety may need to be stabilized before they can meaningfully engage in meditation. I think it would be helpful for you to seek out some professional help, while using meditation and relaxation as complementary wholistic adjuncts.
May peace be with you.

(BTW; I'm a former firefighter, too)

I wrote earlier:

Try looking for jobs that allow you to work more or less alone if you haven't tried that already. If you don't like those kinds of jobs, it could be something temporary until you get mental health issues under control.

I think basically the same thing struck me as it did others when reading your post: you've pushed yourself really hard in jobs that involve a lot of socialization. I'm level 1 and the thought of having to socialize at bars with coworkers alone is giving me anxiety, nevermind a job where you're interacting with coworkers all the time. I sit by myself all day most days doing engineering work, it is very peaceful. Try and find a job where you don't need to deal with social stuff so much.

A bit of an aside, but some replies have mentioned that Aspies should not work harder than others. I'd kindly like to push back on that. While it is important we try and not alienate our coworkers by accomplishing more than them or doing something better or working harder, if done with some tact, we can actually raise the bar for others and be motivating and not be punished for it. I was lucky to work at a company for quite a few years that rewarded smart work and hard work, and we thought positively of our peers who had great ideas or went the extra mile. And the company was awesomely successful.