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Lanceeselhombre
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10 Oct 2018, 8:27 pm

So whenever I get into disagreements with people and I say ‘let me finish my sentence,’ why do people always start yelling at me? I have trouble forming sentences on the spot so I say that to let other people know I need extra time to speak so they don’t speak over me while I’m thinking (because I can usually see them waiting to talk the second I stop.) I never say it because I’m angry or out of spite or whatever people are thinking is the reason.

So yeah I really don’t get why this phrase is so rude.


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serpentari
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11 Oct 2018, 2:21 am

no, its rude to in-cut in the middle of somebody else's speech. and if they start yelling, it only shows lack of respect and general manner. wait for another person to finish is basic. what is considered being snappy?

examples

that noob is bothering me, wants to be friends with high level character. or they failed their role in a group activity.
they tell me how awesome i am. i respond - and u are not. that is snappy. but they deserve it.

a person had not read my email before responding. i go ballistic. turns out, they were distressed and so had too much on their mind they couldnt read too much text. and i am vebroze. i apologise. it was snappy and undeserved.

a person is telling another person they can get gifts from me (with no reason, and im not known for giving gifts). thats outright trolling, intending for the second person to get snapped at by me. i snap at the first person, they deserve it.

somebody asks a question, unobvious one. somebody else starts on "why cant u find that information!". i first tell them to stop, then tell them to "hold their s**t" (after half an hour of shouting match and insults thrown at me). i was snappy, my opponent was just raging. who deserves what, is for audience to decide.

someone talks over me, for 50th time this evening (my kid, to be precise). i snap at her - shut up.

sometimes snapping at people is needed. to just make them stop their destructive behaviour. sometimes i myself behave destructively and snap at people for wrong reasons. i have a short fuse and too many triggers.
hope this post was useful.


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Chronos
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11 Oct 2018, 2:35 am

Lanceeselhombre wrote:
So whenever I get into disagreements with people and I say ‘let me finish my sentence,’ why do people always start yelling at me? I have trouble forming sentences on the spot so I say that to let other people know I need extra time to speak so they don’t speak over me while I’m thinking (because I can usually see them waiting to talk the second I stop.) I never say it because I’m angry or out of spite or whatever people are thinking is the reason.

So yeah I really don’t get why this phrase is so rude.


It's not rude. However, among NTs, winning disagreements often is not about having a discussion and coming to a mutually agreed upon, correct conclusion. Instead, their goal is often to dominate the other person by ceasing on opportunities to silence them and shut them down. Those who struggle with verbal fluency are particularly at risk for these types of attacks. I believe your best course of action would be to simply not engage in these discussions to begin with.



Lanceeselhombre
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11 Oct 2018, 8:04 am

Chronos wrote:
Lanceeselhombre wrote:
So whenever I get into disagreements with people and I say ‘let me finish my sentence,’ why do people always start yelling at me? I have trouble forming sentences on the spot so I say that to let other people know I need extra time to speak so they don’t speak over me while I’m thinking (because I can usually see them waiting to talk the second I stop.) I never say it because I’m angry or out of spite or whatever people are thinking is the reason.

So yeah I really don’t get why this phrase is so rude.


It's not rude. However, among NTs, winning disagreements often is not about having a discussion and coming to a mutually agreed upon, correct conclusion. Instead, their goal is often to dominate the other person by ceasing on opportunities to silence them and shut them down. Those who struggle with verbal fluency are particularly at risk for these types of attacks. I believe your best course of action would be to simply not engage in these discussions to begin with.


The people that do this to me most often are my parents when they're correcting me. 90% of the time I don't understand why I'm in trouble so I ask them questions like 'what did I do wrong' to understand so I don't make the same mistake again, and they always tell me I'm being snappy for not taking the correction quietly. BUT CORRECTION IS POINTLESS IF I DON'T UNDERSTAND!!

And honestly I'm so tired and upset about this and I want it to stop, but then I would just get yelled at all the time for things I don't understand and would never improve, which pisses them off too (me not learning from my mistakes, I mean.) For example, I have trouble controlling my volume because I can't tell if I'm too loud and my tone because I can't tell when it's a 'rude' tone, and I constantly get yelled at for that because 'I should be able to control it by now.'


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serpentari
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11 Oct 2018, 8:19 am

i am sorry to day it but ur parents really dont get it. have u tried to ask then questions when they are not scolding u? and explaining urself too? if u did, and they still behave like that, then to lessen ur trauma u'd have to really not ask them any questions and let them roll over u. then get that information u need elswhere. for example around here. i am sorry for u being in that situation.


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11 Oct 2018, 8:24 am

Lanceeselhombre wrote:
So whenever I get into disagreements with people and I say ‘let me finish my sentence,’ why do people always start yelling at me? I have trouble forming sentences on the spot so I say that to let other people know I need extra time to speak so they don’t speak over me while I’m thinking (because I can usually see them waiting to talk the second I stop.) I never say it because I’m angry or out of spite or whatever people are thinking is the reason. So yeah I really don’t get why this phrase is so rude.
Because you are fighting back.

Bullies hate that.



Lanceeselhombre
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11 Oct 2018, 8:38 am

serpentari wrote:
i am sorry to day it but ur parents really dont get it. have u tried to ask then questions when they are not scolding u? and explaining urself too? if u did, and they still behave like that, then to lessen ur trauma u'd have to really not ask them any questions and let them roll over u. then get that information u need elswhere. for example around here. i am sorry for u being in that situation.


No, I haven't. This already happens enough and I don't want to subject myself to it possibly happening more. I've had conversations before trying to explain things to them (I'm talking about quite a few different issues here) and they've always blow me off saying 'I'll be fine' or 'Everyone has that issue' or 'You'll get over it.' I'm tired of trying at this point. They wont believe anything I say about my issues until I get a diagnosis if they let me even get one, and even then they probably still won't understand.


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serpentari
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11 Oct 2018, 8:59 am

look im really sorry. and relating strongly. u cant rely on ur parents. i've learned very early to NOT talk about certain things to certain relatives. because they would make things worse, sometimes tenfold worse. should ur communication skills be different, u might have an easier time, but its parents who should teach u, and they dont. bewitched circle. try reading articles around here. they provide a lot. u'll have to forgive ur parents, too, and well, give them a slack to avoid more traumatization. maybe they really cant. maybe they are trying but this is what they can do. and u have to seek it elsweir, and its hard, and u feel like standing on very shaky ground. but we have to make do with what we get. let us try to help.


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sanity is a prison. insanity is doom. is there a third option, please?
beware the ire of the patient ones!
and if i walk away, who is gonna stay? i believe to make the world be a better place.


naturalplastic
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13 Oct 2018, 10:05 am

Lanceeselhombre wrote:
So whenever I get into disagreements with people and I say ‘let me finish my sentence,’ why do people always start yelling at me? I have trouble forming sentences on the spot so I say that to let other people know I need extra time to speak so they don’t speak over me while I’m thinking (because I can usually see them waiting to talk the second I stop.) I never say it because I’m angry or out of spite or whatever people are thinking is the reason.

So yeah I really don’t get why this phrase is so rude.

Do you say that before, or after, they start interrupting you?

It sounds like you are anticipating them interrupting you and you say that before they speak.
I don't blame you at all, but that's kinda unusual behavior. Many folks, including I, will interrupt them interrupting me with a snide comment like "can I speak while you interrupt me?"

Its more common, but I admit that it doesn't usually accomplish anything. The person who interrupts just gets more volatile.

But probably folks who know you well, and know you're autistic (maybe you had selective mutism at one time?)are not offended by you saying that. Whereas others who don't know you , and also have never heard anyone preempt their interruptions like that before, and just go ballistic.



Lanceeselhombre
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15 Oct 2018, 9:54 am

naturalplastic wrote:
Lanceeselhombre wrote:
So whenever I get into disagreements with people and I say ‘let me finish my sentence,’ why do people always start yelling at me? I have trouble forming sentences on the spot so I say that to let other people know I need extra time to speak so they don’t speak over me while I’m thinking (because I can usually see them waiting to talk the second I stop.) I never say it because I’m angry or out of spite or whatever people are thinking is the reason.

So yeah I really don’t get why this phrase is so rude.

Do you say that before, or after, they start interrupting you?

It sounds like you are anticipating them interrupting you and you say that before they speak.
I don't blame you at all, but that's kinda unusual behavior. Many folks, including I, will interrupt them interrupting me with a snide comment like "can I speak while you interrupt me?"

Its more common, but I admit that it doesn't usually accomplish anything. The person who interrupts just gets more volatile.

But probably folks who know you well, and know you're autistic (maybe you had selective mutism at one time?)are not offended by you saying that. Whereas others who don't know you , and also have never heard anyone preempt their interruptions like that before, and just go ballistic.


I say that directly after they begin to interrupt me. So they'll start to argue back and I'll say that because I want to finish my thought.

The people that yell at me for this are literally my immediate family. I'm currently trying to get a diagnosis and told them why I believe I'm autistic, but they don't believe me.


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serpentari
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15 Oct 2018, 10:50 am

my immidiate family doesnt bother. believe, not believe, none matters. i allways end up guilty, basically for each and every thing i cant control. i had tried to stop communicating with them at all several times. they'd persue me change their bahaviour till i am foolish enough to start trusting them, then it all resumes. cycles of getting my trust and then rejecting me for things like having my bad spine flare at a bad time (and time will allways be bad). i am sorry im complaining here, its just happening again right now. what im trying to say, i know what it feels like. just a bit too well. and i dont have an answer for it that would work. i am sorry.


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sanity is a prison. insanity is doom. is there a third option, please?
beware the ire of the patient ones!
and if i walk away, who is gonna stay? i believe to make the world be a better place.


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15 Oct 2018, 10:57 am

My mom finishes my sentences a lot, but she's done it for so long I guess I'm used to it. And I finish hers sometimes, too.



serpentari
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15 Oct 2018, 11:18 am

its a different thing. a thing of mutual understanding when u are thinking the same thought. its pleasant when that happens. we are discussing something else here, something opposite.


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sanity is a prison. insanity is doom. is there a third option, please?
beware the ire of the patient ones!
and if i walk away, who is gonna stay? i believe to make the world be a better place.


caThar4G
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17 Oct 2018, 5:28 pm

My boyfriend says that when I start to cut into his sentences or the point he is making, before he finished with it. I get too excited or frustrated in conversation if it's heated or serious.
I don't really know if that helps.



KingExplosionMurder
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10 Nov 2018, 11:42 pm

First of all, I love your profile picture. Keith is great.

Secondly, I honestly don't get that either? People say to not interrupt, but when you tell them not to in that way they take it as being snappy. They might think you're saying it with an attitude, because that is a common occurrence with me personally.



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11 Nov 2018, 4:41 am

Chronos wrote:
It's not rude. However, among NTs, winning disagreements often is not about having a discussion and coming to a mutually agreed upon, correct conclusion. Instead, their goal is often to dominate the other person by ceasing on opportunities to silence them and shut them down.


Could you elaborate a bit on the reasons of those who simply want to dominate in discussions like these?
(Not every question I am asking is something I wouldn't know anything about :). But to me, realizing their motivations to a greater extent can be of great help for the purpose of meaningful communication)