I don't want to talk about my son, and that's alienating.

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Last weekend I was in a writer's workshop reading the latest chapter of my memoir, about me meeting other autistic people. In this chapter I made two off hand references to my three month old son.

The result was a very alienating experience.

All the other writers in the group expect to hear about is my son, and insisted that I write more about him. That's a problem. I don't want to write about him, and I don't want to talk about him. I want to write about my experiences with other autistic people, which the writer's group is not interested in.

Don't get me wrong. I love my son. I cuddle with him, I sing nursery rhymes with him, I read to him, but talking about him is fruitless because there is not much to say at this point. He eats, he poops, he sleeps. That's it.

Anyway, the whole episode was very frustrating, and was a painful reminder of how disconnected I am from the rest of humanity. It is a natural human thing to want to talk about one's own baby. It is also naturally human to want to fuss over children. My writer's group is not wrong to be interested, but what does it say about me that I don't want to engage in this very human activity? What does it say about me that I want to talk about things no one else is interested in?

I feel I like I'm disturbed somehow. Like there's some deeply wrong with me and I belong in an asylum.

Are they demanding or insisting that you talk about your son? Or are they merely requesting the same?

I don't know what it says about you, but I'm the same way. I never initiate talk about my kids. I can't think of a time when I have and my oldest is going to be a teenager soon. I don't carry pictures of them in my wallet. Of course I care about them. I don't know if I love them in the same way that other parents love their children since I don't know how other people feel. All parents will say that raising kids is not easy, but I think being a parent has been hard for me in ways that it's not for an NT Dad. I wouldn't want to go back in time and not have my kids. I think they're amazing.

Don't beat yourself up about it. Enjoy every minute as much as you can. I do wish someone would have explained to me that while a toddler is a little human, toddlers and very young kids don't think critically, they just "do" and they just "are".

More like suggesting. My apologies for using the word "insisted" as I realize now that is too strong a word. Basically they all said something to the effect of, if you want your memoir to be better then I would recommend having more about your son, and less about talking with other autistic people. Let me reiterate that there is no fault to be found with the people at the writer's workshop. I asked for their opinion and they gave it to me. Can't complain about that. I can complain about myself though.




Glad to know it isn't just me, but yes. I will enjoy every minute I can with my baby.

I have children and grandchildren. Perhaps there is some relevance when it comes to writing a book to describing your son. Maybe not now but in the distant future when he is grown.

There are many NTs that are raising young Aspies and they sincerely seek knowledge on how to best raise a child that is different. Because the way I raised my children helped to determine how they succeeded in later life, the methods I used and their success is very pertinent to NT parents. I raised my children a little different than most NT's raise their children and my children turned to be successful. The methods I used being an Aspie, may hold the secrets on how to raise Aspies children. And that element is definitely something worth discussing in a book. But perhaps not now but later.

Think about it. Would you as an Aspie dad like to know the secrets of successfully raising your son if you found out someday that he turned out to be an Aspie too! This is very valuable information.

In other words they couldn't relate to what you wrote about meeting other autistic people so they are suggesting

you write about your son instead because more people will be able to relate to it. They didn't really mean better,

they meant of interest to more people (not the same thing). Don't see this as they think your odd for not writing

about your son; see it more as they don't understand how it feels to not be understood until your 'whatever' age.

Fellow writer here by the way

I don't know for sure that my son is an aspie, but certainly anything I could learn about raising him if he is would be great, and maybe I do have some insights worth putting in a book. On the other hand if he turns out to be NT then writing what it's like raising a NT when you're an aspie might be worth sharing in a book as well.




That is another way to look at it. Well maybe I can give them some of what they're suggesting. So you two are writers too huh? A few more people and we could our own writer's workshop.

Hmm... you have brought a life to the world, and you have described him with three words: eats, poops, sleeps. I mean, I kind of see where you are coming from, but ... seriously?

This is what I wrote about my daughter's early days:

... You are a special girl, and Daddy has been telling that to you, since the very first day that you were born. You opened your eyes right after you were born. I still remember the sunshine reflecting on your face. It was a magical moment. You looked at everything around the maternity room. The fact is, you were born curious. You wanted to check out the world around you. You were a brave girl. You whined for one second, but you did not cry. You never actually cried much at all, as a baby. You were the easiest baby in the world: always smiling, always laughing. You had a big sense of humor, and found fun in just about everything. You surprised all the adults, for they have never seen a little girl that was always happy, permanently happy. You were born a happy baby. Mom and Dad were truly lucky. ...

I mean, most parents feel some magical connection to their children. I know you perhaps don't think much of those personal feelings: they are perhaps not interesting to you, not to the point for writing them down. But those feelings do exist.

Sure, what I have described about my daughter are not miracle moments. They are simple facts, but connected to a parent's personal feelings.

Your son will one day grow up, and he will see your writing. He will see that while other parents express magical connections to their children, you have described him with: eats, poops and sleeps. He will probably just take it with a laugh, and it will probably be a good story for him to tell his own children.

See this last sentence? I frankly don't know whether your son will remember those three words and tell your grandson about what you wrote. But, see, there is imagination, on my side. It's all about imagination. It's not about cold facts. When you write, people expect to see your imagination. If they want facts, they'll read news articles. Writing is all about creativity and imagination, right?

Com'on. We are all on the spectrum here. We see things that no one else can see. We solve problems that no one else can solve. Look at my Hiragana thread where I connected it to Morse code. Or how I connect autism to renormalization and Lie groups in differential geometry. Or how I drew a picture of dewdrops on a leaf to represent the autistic brain. All that, is what creativity is about. To say things that no one else in the world has said before. To go where no one has gone before. LET YOUR IMAGINATION FLY. You can do it. You are on the spectrum, right?

Not sure if you take medication. That is why I am against medication. When you don't take medication, your mind works. Giant sequoia trees, that's what we the autistic people have inside our brains. Not strands of alfalfa grass. As long as people stay away from medication drugs, they should be able to re-discover their own giant sequoia trees.

http://www.eikonabridge.com/AMoRe.pdf

Well that's condescending.

Arevelion, write about what you want to write about. I would be interested in reading about an autistic person meeting other autistic people.

Honestly, the other writers in the group saying you should write about something your book is not about are being short sighted. They don't get the point of your book. It's not about raising children, it's about being an autistic adult.

You can at a later date write something about being a parent.

I follow the writer Tom Cox on Twitter. I first started reading his cat books. Tghey were memoirs about living with cats. But he's now started writing about the English countryside and folklore and he's getting comments from people telling him to stop that and go back to cats. He's standing his ground though and writing what he wants to write about... and selling books too I might add regardless of a few naysayers.

Write what you want to write about.

There's nothing wrong with that.

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent. https://simple.wikiquote.org/wiki/Eleanor_Roosevelt

Leonard Susskind and Murray Gell-Mann talking about Richard Feynman. One was upbeat and having a good time. The other one was downbeat and hurt. Strangely, they were both talking about the same person.

Did you write those things about your daughter at or after her birth, or in reminisce?

This is the OP's first child. As a father of three, I believe any first time parent who says they didn't/don't feel overwhelmed most likely isn't being truthful. I think people with ASD generally need more time to analyze and process how they feel about things they're experiencing "in the moment". I know that's how I am. Your life changes in an instant and forever the second your first child is born. One second you're who you've always been, the next second you're a dad.

Having cascades of overwhelming warm fuzzy feelings "in that moment"? Sorry, but I was focusing all of my energy on figuring out how to best help care for our new baby. Myopic? Perhaps.

You can castigate the OP if you'd like. I'll support him any way he needs it.

I can't help but feel similarities in your post of an NT shaming an ND in not "feeling" or "acting" the way an ND "should"..... And I'm not now, nor have I ever been on any medication.

I don't have children myself yet but I absolutely don't think it's strange not wanting to talk about your child!
If you're in a writers group with other people and it has nothing to do with the kids you guys in the group have, then why is that all they want you to write about? If you want to focus on writing about your experiences then you should do that, that is your decision.
Do the other people in the group only write and talk about their children (if they have any)?
I feel like if you wanted the focus to be on your son you would've joined a group specifically for parents with the focus being on parenting but you haven't so I feel like they shouldn't push it so hard. Just because someone is a parent doesn't mean all they ever have to talk about are their kids.

You have a three month old. New parenthood is exhausting. I am assuming that you have had to deal with extreme sleep deprivation, since only one of my kids was weird enough to be "easy" and the rest were pretty normal.

You say that you go to a writer's group, which tells me that you need some time away from your three month old. That's normal. Most new parents feel that way. You used to be someone before you had that baby and now your old life has been turned upside down. It's normal to want to connect with who you were before you had your baby.

Why would anyone want to waste what might be their ONLY hour of "me time" that week talking about new parenthood! Childless people are so flipping clueless. Unfortunately, it's only going to get worse so you might as well relax and enjoy the comedy show.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uFQfylQ2Jgg

It doesn't give you the right to talk down to people and make them feel bad about how they talk about their own child. Words have impact.

Yeah this seems really judgy and passive agressive. If he doesn't want to write about parenting right now he doesn't have to, he can "express his imagination" by writing about whatever he likes.

And the stuff about medication is just wrong. There are a lot of people here with co-morbid psychological conditions that need meds to function and be healthy and it's really not right to tell them to "stay away from medication drugs". You're not our doctor, so you really shouldn't be advising people what medications we should or shouldn't be taking.