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Hi, nice to meet you! I've been lurking the forums for a little while because the first time I tried to register my e-mail was blocked or something? Anyway, I am a 32 year old woman from northern europe and I wanted to introduce my self and ask for some advice. Hope you guys don't mind that I have a tendency to ramble when I get going..

Earlier this year one of my closest friends was diagnosed with Aspergers, and she decided to share that diagnosis with me. She had mixed feelings about it, but I tried to remain supportive of her, and also read up on the traits and especially what it meant to be a woman with autism. A few weeks later I was talking to another friend about it and I mentioned that I felt like a lot of those things were also true about me and she quickly dismissed me and said "Oh no, not you! You might be a little socially awkward, but you definitely don't have that" and after that conversation I kind of retreated into my mind and tried not to think about it.

After the summer I was forced to start working less because my job didn't have more than one day of work a week for me. It was a job I had for about 8 months, and the toll of it had been getting to both me and my family, but I kept on going with it because I knew it was going to stop after the summer, and we needed the money. For about a month and a half before the summer I worked it full time, but before that I worked one full day and 3 five hour days a week, and it was still a lot for me to handle. I would come home and be exhausted and drained, and since I have a husband and two young kids that was not the best situation. To be fair I haven't had the best or much work experience in my life; I've had a summer job a few times, some part time gigs when I was a teen, and then I had a job that I could do from home for a year and a half in my early twenties. After that job went away (lay-offs, but they were very unhappy with me because I found my self not being able to do what I needed to do a lot) I started my third attempt at a university course after I had my first child. The first one wasn't entirely failed, I did a year of English at a university, but I never got to know anyone in my classes and I failed one of my subjects. The second was a television production course, and I had to drop out after a year because I got too behind and it was too much for me (it was a prestigious course that was hard to get into, but I had good grades from HS). This third course that I started after my first child was my "it's time to grow up and get a real job" course, so I went into teaching. During my years at school I had another baby, so I was delayed because of that, and then I ran into some problems because the course changing and not being able to return in a normal way after maternity leave (also not being able to call the people who could help me), but I stuck to it and finally completed my bachelors about a year ago, at the age of 31.

Anyway, so my goal this fall was to figure out what I wanted to do, because working full time as a teacher was not doing me much good. The one day of week and some savings gave us time for me to do that, since my husband has a decent job, but I knew that I would only have a few months to find something to do. During that time I've done a lot of soul searching, but also been very anxious and stressed. I was going to sign up as a temp, but taking a bus (I don't have my drivers license, I can't bring my self to take the lessons and the thought of driving is so scary to me) and having to deal with new people several times a week made me want to cry. During my time at university I found that learning about children and development is definitely something I'm interested in, and I do like being with kids, but when I have to go out and actually interact with other parents and teachers and just be in the middle of a lot of things at once all day, I fall apart. We also had some kids at work last year that had such a hard time, and that was a big stressor to everyone there, including me. If I had to use my education I think the best solution would be to do research and write papers, but that's easier said than done. I did get into graduate school this year, but they pulled the program I wanted to take, so I decided to do this whole "figure it out goddammit"-thing instead, and possibly return to school next year, even if I really don't want to work in this field. My interest are mostly crafty, and I am very into photography and have a decent selection of equipment, but the biggest problem there is that it's so hard to deal with the people, even if people is what I like to photograph.. anyway..

..during all these nights where I couldn't sleep and was starting to really panic my mind went back to the things I read when my friend got her diagnosis. I decided to read more, and more, and more, and then I took a bunch of tests. To be honest this behavior felt very shameful, so I didn't tell my friend or my husband or anyone for a week or two. But upon reading an article about female traits that had a very comprehensive list (I think I found it here!) I decided to be brave and ask my husband if he saw any of them in me. He took a LONG time to reply, but only because he was literally sitting there taking notes to show me. A lot of the traits reminded him of me, some not at all, and some a little bit. At first I didn't realize how long the list was, but it was very long. Then I decided to ask my friend if she thought I had any autistic traits, and she said she had never thought about it, but I definitely do. She also mentioned that when she got diagnosed it made her think of my oldest daughter, who is a lot like me when I was little. She has a lot of friends and a brilliant mind, but she is also very sensitive and anxious with some quirks. She told me that I should definitely talk to my GP for a referral, which was a terrifying thought to me. My husband agreed, but he also went along with asking what the best thing to do would be from his therapist which he sees once a week first. The therapist actually said that seeing my GP would be pointless, and offered to see me in 3 weeks and talk about it. He's a private doctor, but said he would charge me the same as my husband who got a referral from his GP, and considering how hard it is here to get a therapist I was kind of shocked. I've never actually met the man, but he's been my husbands therapist for 2 or so years, so he does know some things about me. I also asked if I could bring my husband, because I am scared I'll just pretend or not be able to talk about my issues (this happens a lot when I finally go to the doctor). He was fine with that, so that is comforting to me.

My journey from there is mostly me just taking tests and reading up on things. I've struggled with anxiety, depression, eating disorders/disordered eating, self-harm, insomnia and procrastination (so bad that I wrote my thesis in a week - my thing is that I just can't start until it's way too late yet I always pull it off anyway but at great costs to my self and never reaching the same potential) my entire life, but I am literally terrified of doctors so I never went or got any help. At the same time I've gone looking for mental illnesses that describe the way I feel, and apart from I guess anxiety nothing really fits! Reading about aspergers makes sense, I definitely don't have all the traits, but the ones I do explain my "odd" behavior. Not that anyone really noticed though, I had good grades and I grew up with a severely disabled sister with brain damage, so I think I definitely overcompensated and tried to be as "Normal" as I could manage, even if that was never quite normal. It was always hard for me to be social and make friends though, and while I had some really close friends I didn't really care about the rest. It was hard to relate to my family, I felt like the wanted to be someone else, especially my dad. At the same time I had a very warm and loving mother who I think contributed to me being able to function (somewhat) for this long, but everyone around me is starting to wonder why it's so hard for me just to.. be regular, have a job, not want to leave social situations and act so awkwardly.

So what do you think, wrongplanet? Does this sound like something that is worth that appointment? I am so scared of going and the therapist telling me that I am just wrong wrong wrong. My friend was a bit concerned about him actually having any knowledge about autism (especially in women), and I'm pretty sure that if I go and he tells me I am completely wrong about this I will just retreat into my self again and try not to think about it. I'm also concerned about my lack of obvious stimming, that I'm not sensitive to light and that I know for sure that I was very good at imaginative play as a child (although upon further reflection I was always the "boss" of the story if there were other kids involved, and I can't say how much I created or how much came from books since I read all the time as a child. A lot of that time i also spent playing on my own, especially since my sister is non-verbal with the development of a 5 month old). If anyone has any advice to me how to prepare for the session, or good resources or even an alternative to this diagnosis? I was looking into it, but again.. nothing seems to fit the way this does. I'm so sorry this go so long, I'm very impressed if you read the whole thing!

As for references to my tests, I can add that I scored an ASQ of 32, 137/200 - 78/200 on the Aspie Quiz, and 131 on the Raads-R, where all my values were within threshold range for suspected ASD except sensory/motor where I scored one below. I don't know if any of that helps give a picture, but yeah that is what I am working with until I get help.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Greetings faelwen, I hope your journey here will be a most profitable one, where you not only gain knowledge but, also develop many new friendships and so forth.

Thanks to both of you!

I have my first therapist appointment tomorrow to discuss all of this, so my nerves are firing off a million a minute! XD

Hello and Welcome
I think you should go into the therapist and tell them that you want to discuss this diagnosis and that you feel it may fit and you are interested in working with them on determining if it is in case the right fit. If not the therapist has knowledge about many kinds of diagnosis and you can both discuss them to see what does fit. Remember your opinions on this matter and should be taken into account by the therapist. If your therapist does not communicate in a way that is respectful of you and your information find another therapist.

On behalf of our planet I'd like to extend a warm welcome to you and hope your sojourn with us will be a long and happy one.

I'm sure you'll find the climate to your liking.

Welcome!

Thanks!

My therapy appointment was.. a lot. Like I mentioned I've never actually been to one before, and throughout my appointment it became clear to everyone that I have a hard time asking for help, even if I really need it. We went through a lot of real problems I've had my entire life where I just had to.. get through it. I basically just spent the time talking about random things, to describe my self, and autism wasn't even brought up until the end. The therapist kept saying that I had been very strong and done a good job and it was incredibly frustrating to me because from afar my life might look ok, but it's really not. I do believe I was taking him a bit too literally though because I thought he didn't want to help me or think I needed help (my husband had told him previously to take it easy on me and told him how anxious I was), but when my husband decided to speak up and tell him that things are very difficult right now and I need help he just completely changed his tune and said that he definitely wants to work with me and see me next week and can point me in the right direction and figure out what to do. I left feeling super overwhelmed, but it went.. pretty ok.

The day after my husband had an appointment though, and they ended up talking about me and autism, and the therapist asked him some questions and he decided that autism definitely fits and he doesn't really want to treat me until we know more. He told my husband to tell me that if I go to my GP and ask for a referral to the autism team in my city he will sign off on it (so I don't have to talk to my GP too much, I have a lot of anxiety about doctors.. or well.. people).

So now I feel a bit defeated because he only saw me for 45 minutes and talked to my husband for a while and he wants me to go talk to specialists and I'm just scared of being.. wrong about this? Even if he is a psychologist and he sees what we're talking about.. Also I am on my own contacting my doctor and I feel like I had to take a step back and I'm completely on my own again. Luckily my husband is trying to be supportive and said he would go with me.

It won't be so bad
Sure beats going to the dentist!

I'm very happy you have a supportive husband who's prepared to stand with you and accompany you.

You have plenty support both in real life and on here!