Meeting a girl in real worl when you have zero social skills

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This is long but I think it may help you so bear with me.


If it's alright, I'll ask a couple of questions for clarity:

1. What specifically do you mean when you say that you have a "speech disorder?"

2. By the "virtual world" are you referring to the invisible web of social interactions and relationships that you have to manage and navigate through to function in the real world outside of your house or to the online internet world of dating websites and such?


Note: When I use the word "you," I do not mean it in an accusatory way but only to refer to a hypothetical male, not necessarily you personally. Also, I am going to assume some things based on the info you have provided but I could be wrong in my assessment of you and your personal situation so definitely feel free to tell me if I've gotten anything wrong.


It sounds like the problem you are describing is an inability to "open" or initiate a conversation with a stranger without having any prior relationship or rapport with them. I also get the impression that approach anxiety (the fear that you will face a negative and/or hostile reaction/consequence if you attempt to initiate an interaction) is part of the problem. Is this more or less correct? If so, I can definitely share some info with you that has helped me with those problems and hopefully it will make a noticeable difference for you as well. Let me know if this is so.

As for making specifically female friends, this is not something I would generally recommend as, when heterosexual males (I am assuming that this is what you are) set out specifically to make female friends, it is usually the case that they are not looking for a friend of the same sort that they would look for in other males but instead they are looking for a female or collection of females whom they are on some level attracted to, have the potential to be attracted to, and/or can be their connection to reach other females who might be potential objects of attraction. There is either a conscious or subconscious desire in these cases that the female(s) in question will at some point warm up to and discover their attraction for the male and, at that point, there will theoretically be less danger for the male to express his true feelings/intentions and take the relationship to a more physically intimate place.

Having played this game in the past myself and having known many other guys who did the same, I can say that the reason for it is most often approach anxiety combined with and compounded by a fear that, at some point, we (the male) will make some sort of mistake and/or face hostility for some reason and be blamed, shamed, and possibly punished for it. These concerns are not unreasonable if you are going in blind without knowing what you are doing or how to manage interactions which is why I very strongly recommend putting in time and effort to learn and practice social skills.

Frankly, if you want friends, I recommend that you not bother worrying about what gender they are and simply seek out other people with whom you share common interests and hopefully can meet in person fairly regularly in order to build rapport and accumulate shared experiences that you can bond over. It will almost certainly be the case that these will be other males as males and females (even autistic ones) are wired very differently and so rarely share the same interests and even more rarely share them to the same degree of intensity.

If you want a female with whom to be physically intimate and possibly even committed with (I suspect that this is the case), I recommend not starting from the friend zone as you will mentally sabotage yourself that way and you will just wind up being the non-threatening nice guy who that girl (and the other girls you are "friends" with) goes to when she needs to cry on someone's shoulder and complain about how that jerk they just broke up with was such a jerk while, as your shirt becomes soaked with her tears, you secretly envy him because, unlike you, he actually was able to be intimate with her which is what you have wanted deep down from day 1.

To be honest, being "friends" with women never seemed to get me what I wanted. I do not mean this to say that those women were bad. I only mean it to say that I did not get what I wanted and our friendships seemed to be one-sided with me giving them what they wanted and me not getting anything I wanted in return. Admittedly, this was largely if not entirely my own fault as the result of my not making my intentions and desires clear from the start and of operating on the false assumption that the most effective way to become physically intimate with a female was to befriend her and essentially wait until she is tired of dealing with all the other guys who are not pretending (as I was) to be her friend at which point she will at last retrieve me from the friend zone and move me into the more than friends zone (FYI: This never worked the way I wanted it to). It also felt dishonest in that I pretended to want things that I did not so as not to give them the impression that I was motivated by a desire for anything more than a non-physical platonic friendship.

The solution to this, in my view, is not to fall back on the excuse of "I have no social skills" as the world will not and cannot reasonably be expected to know at the start of every interaction that you are autistic and even less can they be expected to understand all the ins and outs of what that means. Furthermore, the world will not turn itself upside down and inside out just for you. For these reasons, the most sane way forward, and the one most likely to yield positive results, is to put in the effort to learn and practice social skills manually as you obviously did not do so naturally and intuitively like a neurotypical would have.

Even for a diagnosed autistic (one of the girls I am seeing right now knows that I am - and I was in special education as a kid because I was not allowed in a normal classroom so I have not always passed for normal) it is entirely possible to become socially competent and successful (whatever that means to you) with the opposite gender. I have been romantically and/or physically involved with around 40 women I consider to be attractive in 4 very different countries, including my own (the US), on 3 different continents now (I'm not a love tourist, I have just spent a lot of time living and studying abroad) so I can say with some confidence that being autistic does not necessarily mean that you must also be celibate or alone and my own real life experience bears that out.

Personally, especially if you are more relationship-minded, I would not generally recommend that you juggle a large number of women at once as that is not for most guys (contrary to popular belief, most guys want a stable relationship) and it gets exhausting maintaining communication and meeting schedules with more than 3-5 women at a time. I've gone as high as 20 at once and had absolutely no time for anything else so it sucked because it felt like it was just another job instead of something fun. At a certain point, it stops being enjoyable for its own sake and starts being just a status/competition thing. Especially if you are more relationship-minded, I think it is actually wiser in the long run to date a bit and then select a girl whom you actually enjoy spending time and doing things with. This is not necessarily the same as having a shared interest. You don't need to both be interested in Egyptian politics or Warhammer 40k to enjoy a board game with friends or a hike to a waterfall together. you do not want to end up being that creepy old player with white hair in the nightclub in Ibiza whose chat lines are out of date and who is not up on the latest fads and trends so cannot connect with the inebriated club girls 30 years his junior. Unless you are financially loaded to the point that your money alone is enough to magnetically pull scantily clad young women to you, that does not seem to be the most fun way to enter your twilight years.

I do however strongly recommend that you move learning social skills up in your priority list and make moves to start getting that part of your life more under control.



I should not have to say this but, given the currently hysterical climate we live in, I will anyway:

For the record, I am not a pickup artist or a misogynist and I do not think less of women or harbor any irrational resentment toward them as a group. I am just open about my intentions from the start and I don't hide in the friend zone hoping that one day, after she has been dumped by enough "jerks" (nearly every ex-boyfriend or one-night-stand is a jerk for at least the first week after a separation in my observation), she will notice how loyal and nice I've been and fall back on me as her Plan B at which point I will be forever in competition with the memory of whichever ex she was most into whom I will be occasionally compared unfavorably with when arguments arise. I do not mean that I tell every woman I meet whom I find attractive that I want to get physical with them. I just don't overtly tell them that I do not want that so, when things escalate as they do, there is not a "but we are just friends" psychological barrier.

Essentially, be polite and civil but do not lie like a creep about just wanting to be her friend and do not bring up your desires or lack thereof unless specifically asked about them. Also, do not go after coworkers, classmates, or any other female whom you will still see or, God forbid, have to work with/for very frequently even if things go badly even if she is attractive. How many people does an average person date before they get married? A lot. Odds are, whoever you are dating now is not the one you are going to be with until one of you dies so make sure that she is not someone you will have to see all the time if/when you both split.

NT people, including women, do not want everything laid out before them in black and white. They want to go along for the ride and get wrapped up in the emotional journey without having the fourth wall broken and having everything explained to them. Let them have that and enjoy the ride with them. Part of the fun of watching a magic show is that you have no idea how the magician did a trick. If it were explained to you as it was happening, you would probably be less interested in the show and you might even leave to go see a different show.

I also do not hide behind the myth that women are mysterious (they are not - they are just different) or that it is impossible to meet and interact with them in a normal daytime setting as opposed to a crowded nightclub or bar with all of the loud noises, flashing multi-colored lights, and strangers rubbing against you that all of us autists love. My own experience has made it impossible for me to believe either of these things in the same way that my own experience of having lived in South Korea makes it impossible for me to believe that it is an entirely uninhabitable and war-torn third world hellscape (a notion that some of my relatives still stubbornly cling to). I am incapable of using this myth as an excuse for not improving my social skills and self care. Unless you are severely physically disfigured or have some kind of tragic body odor problem, you can improve yourself to the point that you can become successful with the opposite gender. It will not be easy and you will go through a process of trial and error but you can do it. Don't be a victim. Be a winner.

Most of the time, when I see guys "failing" (in their own words), it is because they have placed themselves in the friend zone and, through their speech and actions, convinced the females that they belong there so those females simply treat them as they would treat one of their other female friends while continuing to seek out the guy(s) that they want to be physical with. These guys get upset that the females have "put them in the friend zone" when the reality is that they put themselves there and they will remain there for as long as they continue to be dishonest. It is better to just stop wasting your time and energy and tell a woman whose friend zone you are currently languishing in "I do not want to be your friend. I want more than that. If you want the same, great. I understand if you do not though so just tell me if that is the case so I can move on." This may cause tension or even tears but it is better than lying to a girl for months or years while pretending that you only want to be her friend.

I hope this helps at least a little bit. There is a lot more regarding technique and mindset than what I can write here and I can recommend a number of books and resources to you that have helped me a great deal as well as some practice drills that I've used myself to become pretty successful with women romantically speaking. Let me know if you are interested.

39% via friends--I didn't think that was worth mentioning.

Make a video or two on Youtube claiming how you are a great catch. Sign up to a few dating sites and post on social media and just wait for some responses.

Actually it was my plan in the past maybe i do it someday.

If you say you're a "great catch," you will attract the wrong kind of girl.....unless you want the wrong kind of girl?????

Hell with meeting people at work first of all most of them already have relationship second in modern society its bad idea to approach someone at work if it does not work out then you will be stuck with an enemy at your workplace who will work against you and i read many stories where guys had to quit because toxic rumors their co-worker EX's were spreading about them.


I am tired of people with expectations that i should be this and that, i don't sell myself as some superhero macho man whatever. If i advertise myself i tell exactly who i am and what i like to filter out women expectations.

Anyway i come to conclusion that in US there's no women left who are suitable for stable relationship because they all either focused on their career or themselves and trying to prove something to the men like they can do good without man, good luck to them i care less. I need traditional relationship where my wife be a housewife and i will be head of the family, tired of having constant fighting for power inside my household with modern American women.

That shouldn't be too hard if you make enough money to comfortably support a family. Many women would like to be stay at home moms, but their partners don't make enough money to do that.

...

Scipio's post at the top of page 2 reads a lot like a PUA manifesto.

BLECCH!!

Aphasia.


There is no inside web social interactions its some ret*d circus driven by sub-culture that is plain silly.

The answer: people meet people through people. Basically through other friends, family members, etc. Since we're not NT, we're usually left out of this loop. The fact you're confused about this just shows how much harder it is for us.

RIP

What is the "wrong kind of girl?"

I thank you again sir, ma'am, and/or other.

1. I am not a medical professional so I only know a little bit about aphasia. Does this mean that you are nonverbal, that you must speak very slowly, or something else?

2. It does often appear to be something of a ret*d circus but there is definitely an order to it that can be deciphered and navigated. Throwing your hands in the air and accepting that you will never understand it because you do not understand it right now is unfortunately not the most effective way forward. Have you ever picked up any books on social psychology or social dynamics before? Two I would recommend are the Dictator's Handbook, and Why Nations Fail if you want a big picture view and 3 others are The Rational Male, Improve Your Social Skills by Daniel Wendler, and Art of Seduction by Robert Greene (this is part of a series that includes 33 Strategies of War, Mastery, and 48 Laws of Power but is more geared toward dating than the other books in the series) if you want a more street-level view.


As for online dating, I generally don't recommend it myself as it consumes a great deal more time for me than just putting in the effort and learning the skills to go out and meet girls in the real world. Learning the skills and putting in the effort to have decent success online requires about the same amount of time as learning in-person skills. It is just a different set of skills and, unfortunately, online skills tend not to translate well into the real world.

I have also never been particularly impressed with the quality of girls I met in person after chatting online vs the girls whom I had initially met and began talking to in person (people rarely ever look exactly like their photos). This is a personal preference thing and it may be different for you. Just decide which priorities are highest for you and determine which environment (online or in-person) in best for meeting the sorts of women that you would most prefer to try and have a relationship with.

Last edited by Scipio on 30 Oct 2018, 1:12 pm, edited 5 times in total.

True. It is statistically healthier for kids as well.