Autistic parent, allistic child...

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The topic is much less discussed than the opposite but it does not generate any less trouble.

I have two daughters. One likely autistic, the other likely allistic. The autistic one has received some help from preschool psychologist and is lucky to have friendly environment in her standard-education school. She keeps her boundaries guarded but she has a couple of loosely-related friends and she is generally accepted the way she is. All her free time she draws and her drawings are her way of expressing emotions, fears, dreams and fantasies. So, at the moment, she is doing very well, with enough social skills and environment friendly enough for her to survive and with developing special interest that helps her with going through life.

The allistic daughter, however, is a struggle. She is 5, extremely intelligent and all about people, fashion and shopping. I have no power to interact with her when she gets excited in a noisy shopping mall. I often have no power to interact with her at all, her cheerful chatter being a sensory torture for me. I try to defend myself gently but she doesn't get it. Then her father comes in to defend me and he is anything but gentle... so she starts to cry and I start to defend her and a vicious cycle forms.

Unfortunately, she seems to be getting it as if something was wrong with her... lately she became very emotional, irritable, unstable with her feelings. And clingy. She just doesn't let me out, she sticks to me, pretending to be my tail, running to me with every expirience... I can imagine she doesn't feel safe and accepted outside my guard, especially as her father did not do the best job about it. But I'm powerless, I just don't have resources to keep her pace.

Any suggestions?

This is a tough combo. I am in the same boat a lot of the time with my 4, soon to be 5 year, old who just never stops talking and interacting with me.

It is clear what they want is interaction and feedback - try and give this in ways that are the least taxing in terms of your need to be alone. Get her to chop vegetables whilst you cook. Set her up at the table so she is not on top of you but give her a defined job and then let her get on with it. For quiet time, buy her some headphones and an iPod or music listening system. Can she read yet? Feed her with books, comics.

Think.... how can I give her an instrumental task that makes her feel like we are together but that gives me the headspace I need.

Ah dang. I was hoping you would have advice for me. I don't know if my three month old is NT for sure, but he's looking that way so far. He can read facial expressions pretty well. Me and my wife are autistic on the other hand.

A couple thoughts...

My DD is extroverted, friendly, people seeking NT. Luckily I'm that way too. My ASD husband is 100% not.

I do the bulk of the emotional care and feeding. My husband was all "Babies! I can't! I'll have my relationship with her when she's 18 and less needy."

Unfortunately, the relationship you want with your kid at 18, has to be cared for and fed from the get go. My mother kept brushing me off because she hated kids. Kids are nasty, clingy little time sinks. At the age of 12, I basically wrote her off. You get so many rejections, you figure your parent hates and resents you. You find others to replace the attention you aren't getting at home.

Your NT DD probably figures she's flawed because of you and your husband's reaction towards her. She's 5 and barely knows she's alive. My husband had no clue about child development and would expect our DD to act like any reasonable 45 year old college educated adult male, no matter how old she is.

Listen, I get hating malls, fashion and all the other crap that goes with it. I have to REAAAAAALLLLY extend myself to fake liking that. My DD went to the upscale mall with a gaggle of girly friends yesterday. I'd rather shove heated knives in my eyes, but I do it because I love her. Just like I do it when my husband goes on about his special interest for 60 minutes that only 3 people on the planet care about.

My husband guts out an hour of DD time where she can share with her Dad. She's older now, so it's more doable. He also will stop and engage if she wants to share with him. That is terribly difficult because my husband gets in a zone and blocks things out. I have told him this is important. Building relationships is a long term project, not built only when you are interested.

The one thing you don't want to do is parentification. That means the kid always has to be the bigger more understanding person, when in reality no kid at (x) age would be required to do the task/view point.

My mom did that to me because she was mentally and physically ill. I NEEDED to be more understanding. I NEEDED to to see a situation through eyes 10 years older than I am. When my 5 year old self fell short, it was shaming, blaming and being labled selfish. Don't you see your mother struggling? How inconsiderate and selfish of you to ask/do (x). My feelings and needs didn't count. It was all my mom, and my Dad yelled because he wanted the drama to stop.

I'm not saying you are doing any of the above. Myself might be tempted to see a counselor to figure out a system that works for you and your NT daughter. Yes, the kid has to learn adults are human and need boundaries. You don't want her to feel that the other sib is valued more because she is much less "demanding/noisey/interested in things that don't burn up my time (drawing)."

Try and figure out what scraps you have in common. My husband will cook with our DD. Take walks. Look at books. Hell..you can zone out playing a board game. 3 to 8 years are a needy ages. They seem like big kids, but are little kids at heart.

I am in a therapy and my therapist insists I need to defend my boundaries so I can remain sane enough to care for the children.
I like my little daughter. There are things we have in common. We like rhymes. Improvising funny poems and saying them to each other. They are in Polish, but to give an impression there are dialogues like:
Her: Ding-dong, your legs are too long!
Me: Beep, it's time to sleep!

She is eager to help with housework and yesterday, when I was processing lots of mental pain, she came to me, hugged me and told nothing, just held my slytherlink puzzle.
She said: "Mom is feeling good... no, I want Mom to be feeling good!"

She is learning quickly, smart and empathetic. The only struggle is her excessive energy and need for stimulation. As she grows up, I hope her to find some environment outside home - girl scouts, sports team or something alike - so she can be herself with people like her.

Is your daughter ADHD by any chance because you mention how she is loud and full of energy.

My son is full of energy and always needs to be loud and move around. I am always screaming at him and kicking him out of the room because he is too much for me to handle. It just makes me anxious. I do give him options what he can do and I tell him he can go play in his room and watch TV in there, go play his 3DS, go play with his Legos, go outside and run around. But he rejects all of it. I also don't take him out much because when he doesn't get his way, he acts up to get his way and he has not figured out it doesn't work. He also acts up when he is bored because he gets bored so quickly. I do think he has something because his 4 year old sister has already figured out she can't get her way so she never acts up. She accepts the word no. My son doesn't so he will argue and try and get his way and have behavior and will whine. I remind him each time this is why I never take him anywhere because of this behavior he is doing and his sister is four and she doesn't act this way and she accepts the word no and listens. She doesn't try to get her way and she doesn't act up to try and get her way because she has already figured out she can't get her way. I did take him to a doctor once to be evaluated and she said he was just immature. He was 5 then. But she did say he is hyper and he is impulsive. The more he pushes me, the angrier I get and finally I snap and scream at him and I have quit activities with him out of anger for him not listening or left places in anger because of his behavior. I've even kicked him out of the room too and sent him to his room. My mom describes our relationship as oil and vinegar because none of our personalities go together so it creates friction. I even had to have my parents go to the pumpkin patch with me because I cannot go alone with two kids and my husband was too sore to come. My daughter will pick up on her brother's behavior and act just as bad as him. But when she is by herself, she is fine.

I know I am someone who needs to be in control and have things go smoothly and not out of my control but my son is so hyper and doesn't listen and he stresses me out and he is someone who cannot accept the word no and that things don't always go your way. He gets an idea in his head and wants that to happen to he will pester you about it until he gets it and I am someone who does not like to be asked the same thing over and over after I have answered it so I get angry. Then I accuse him of harassing me and tell him to quit pestering me and quit harassing me and I am already screaming at the top of my lunges to stop asking me that or he is going to his room if he asks me one more time. Then I am yelling "get out of here, now scram" like he is a dog. But I never do this to my daughter because she listens and accepts everything and goes "okay." Plus she is not hyper and doesn't try to push you to get her way. So I know this is a problem with my child, not me or else I would be doing it to both kids. My daughter's personality goes with mine well, my son's doesn't so it creates chaos and lot of yelling.

I know people always love to blame the parents because they see how a child is acting and the parent being tough on them and yelling so they always get it backwards when in fact it's the opposite. The parent is only acting that way because the child is challenging and tough so it overwhelms the parent and they can't handle their child because of how they are. But instead people think the kid is only acting that way because of how the parent is acting. But to me no parent acts that way for no reason, it is always the child first. Why would a parent just start screaming at their child for no reason than just talking to them? That only happens when the kid never listens because of their personality. They are hyper, full of energy, don't listen, they don't accept "no" and accept things don't always go their way. They have behavior and will act up to try and get their way or act up when they are bored because they get so bored easily. I know talking to them doesn't work if they are like my son.

I will reply to your post once I gather enough mental power to read it decently

I never though of ADHD but there may be something... I had a stereotype of ADHD child as struggling academically, while she is very bright, ambicious and gifted. However, the preschool teachers tell me she rarely seats peacefully, though she receives and understands everything they say, while jiggling around all the time.

The news - my undiagnosed-possibly-Aspie 7yo got a mark for "emotional development": A-
I would call it a huge success Emotionally and socially, she's accepted as an introvert and she is doing way better at school than any of her parents used to

League_Girl, what you describe is very similar to the relationship between my husband and my younger daughter. He also has no problem with the older one who listens or at least keeps calm and quiet.

No, I don't think it's just the parent or just the child. It's rather a vicious cycle. I mean, my younger one is very eager to listen to anything - a story, some explanation of something, a poem - but when her daddy shouts, all that she can understand is "daddy shouts"
Long ago I took a psychology course for future teachers (never became one but it was an option at the time) where they explained some tricks to deal with ADHD children - like keeping them occupied with anything, sending them to bring chalk or to clean the blackboard. I sometimes give my daughter a vacuum cleaner so she has something to do - but not very often because I hate the noise :/

She struggles with "no" as an answer, too. I try to set the rules before we go out. Like, okay, we go to a market and I agree to buy you a small ice cream but no other sweets. She still tries to re-negotiate it at the market but reminding her of our agreement helps.

The most serious problem for me is - energy. I have no energy to deal with her all the time. And the other is, when I suffer, I tend to detach myself from reality. Something that helped me with school bullies who quickly got bored with my lack of reaction. But she is not a school bully who will find some other victim, she is someone who wants her mommy's attention. She doesn't give up and I become more and more absent. It's another vicious cycle. Then my husband comes and sees her making me suffer and me not defending myself. So he attacks. So I defend my child. How could she possibly not be confused?