Family therapist type is ruining my life

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novart
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06 Nov 2018, 2:02 am

Over the past year since my diagnosis at the age of 31 (not through him, but a previous guy my parents had me see) I've been able to make it a lot of strides in understanding myself. I had been struggling through disaster after disaster in life, likely traumatized by not knowing what was wrong with me and why all sounds seemed to echo through my body. It drove me nuts and I'm so grateful to finally understand it all. I moved back in with my parents after living alone next to an airport last winter. I had to beg on my hands and knees to be able to move out of there back home. 200 planes on average right over my roof a day, I think it severely messed me up.

Now however my parents have found this family therapist type who I have never met and now refuse to meet. It seems they like how much he has convinced them that this all my fault, i've been treated with more and more disrespect since he's signed on. I tried telling him that I don't blame my parents, but we have to accept the neglect that happened in the past in order to move. Lately the tactic has been to praise me, then immediately get away with something (eg: being loud around me). Isn't this what ABA training is? It's making me feel like an animal, and it has yet to work and when it doesn't there is an incredible amount of hostility toward me. I told him he's just playing on the same narcaccism that saw me suffer undiagnosed for three decades, that I can get over it so long as I'm unhindered and allowed to progress. He responded with this:

"Sure, [my name]. Smoking weed, sleeping all day, leaving the house for a couple of minutes, playing video games and watching television all on your parents dime? And they are narcissist? Everyone is. Bottom line...earn your way through life and stop blaming your parents and making excuses. Everyone has challenges. Everyone."

I smoked weed because that was the only thing, person or not, that ever actually helped me. I smoke about 1/4 as I did at the beginning of my diagnosis because I know when I actually need to use it and when it's not needed. I don't play video games anymore. TV keeps me calm while I work (and now I'm aware why). I was physically abused (shoved against the back of an oven) at my last job, which was only minimum wage anyway. My social anxiety became worse after my diagnosis, but has been getting better as I get out more anymore. I find it all horribly offensive.

I'm terrified of this guy. What can I do? This is his website: "families-in-training" (except in the website form since the spam filter doesn't allow new users to post links), but outside of it and a few sites that seem to be the exact same thing, I can't actually find any information on him or this service. I have a feeling this is going to lead to my end, it's hard to realize my last chances have been pinned on this guy. I was doing great relative to myself and my whole life - until he showed up. I wish I had an advocate, I feel like I'm drowning.

I live in SoCal btw, if anyone knows of someone who can help.



magz
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06 Nov 2018, 5:48 am

How about the guy you met previously? Can you contact him? It seems the one you are meeting now is horribly unprofessional. And what I see at the website, it is totally the opposite of what you need, in fact, it's the opposite of psychology at all!

Quote:
The main objective of this comprehensive training system is to learn how to activate a calm and assertive approach regardless of circumstance. Everyone struggles at times, and many people lack the skill and willingness to develop and utilize effective solutions, which ultimately causes unnecessary guilt, fear, stress, anger and grief.

WHAT? Those are meaningful human emotions! You need them to be assertive, you need them to be yourself! Do they just train people to supress them? That's against the psychology, that's against the basic need of acknowledging and processing your real emotions so you can go on, not get stuck with them!

They are harming people. They are encouraging people to be jerks. Keep away from that program and try to find a real psychologist if you can!


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Aspie1
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06 Nov 2018, 7:26 am

There's your problem: you said "family therapist". A family therapist's loyalty isn't to the patient; it's to the patient's family. Hence the term. Family therapist is to auto mechanic as patient is to car. You are the patient, but you are not the customer; your family is. Of course, he/she will put up a front of being your friend, but any aspie with a shred of social insight can see right through it.

Usually but not always, "family" means "parents". Like in your case, OP. Do what I did with my family therapist: don't discuss anything your parents don't already know. Also try to gauge what statements your therapist looks for, and keep saying them as much as your can stomach it.



Tomatoes
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06 Nov 2018, 10:37 am

I live in Montreal, Canada. I don't know what to say. But, good luck if you want to free yourself from this James guy alone. I am older than you, but I lived through literal Hell, and more than once. :|

I think I can help you, but I don't wish to expose here on this board what I had to live through. I have now a very good relationship with my parents, my brother. My internet social life is now deeply fulfilling, and I have plans for my future....by doing exactly what the specialists told me to do over the years!


If you want to hear more about these past experiences of my, from my childhood up to just recently (2015), you can PM me and from there we'll see or to proceed further in you possible future correspondence...

With deep care, Tomatoes. :heart:



magz
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06 Nov 2018, 4:15 pm

I thought of it a little more... What you could do.
First, you could say to the guy that you find his words offensive. That would be assertive, they say they value assertiveness :mrgreen:
You can refuse to speak to the guy and demand a real psychologist. Really, this man is harming you, not helping.
Maybe there is some support group in your area - that may be a lot more beneficial than those "coaches".
Are your parents' house and a place next to the airport your only choices? Couldn't the airport place be exchanged for something quieter, even if smaller or worse to commute?


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06 Nov 2018, 9:40 pm

If that was my therapist I'd just hang it up for good, because I don't even need a therapist to get such dissertations from my parents about things. Sometimes therapists can make things worse unfortunately but I guess you just have to find the right one. This one clearly isn't the right one.



novart
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07 Nov 2018, 12:40 am

Aspie1 wrote:
There's your problem: you said "family therapist". A family therapist's loyalty isn't to the patient; it's to the patient's family. Hence the term. Family therapist is to auto mechanic as patient is to car. You are the patient, but you are not the customer; your family is. Of course, he/she will put up a front of being your friend, but any aspie with a shred of social insight can see right through it.

Usually but not always, "family" means "parents". Like in your case, OP. Do what I did with my family therapist: don't discuss anything your parents don't already know. Also try to gauge what statements your therapist looks for, and keep saying them as much as your can stomach it.


I can't even respond to the guy, it makes me so sick. It reminds me every teacher he brushed me aside as lazy, except they wanted nothing to do with my life. Now it feels like those teachers have followed me home. It's the nightmare of my childhood on steroids.



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07 Nov 2018, 1:13 am

I think that parents choose such therapists for their own satisfaction.


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Aspie1
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07 Nov 2018, 11:25 pm

CockneyRebel wrote:
I think that parents choose such therapists for their own satisfaction.

I don't think it's intentional---not everyone sets out to destroy an aspie child---it just happens organically. Not unintentionally, organically. After all, a "family" therapist's first loyalty is the parents; after all, they pay the damn bill. The child is just brought in for proverbial "here, fix this!" repairs. However, the family therapist knows that he/she must pose as a child's friend in order to get the child to open up. But aspie kids are more perceptive than NT adults give them credit for, and can see right though the false front. Therefore, the therapy fails before it even begins.



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08 Nov 2018, 8:25 pm

It sounds like the therapist is working to get you out of the family home.

Around here, there are a s**t ton of therapists that specialize in "failure to launch" adult children.

They work on getting the parents "a spine", and the end result is the kid out of the home.

I remember on ad that sounded verbatim what your therapist said about weed, gaming and not working, and parents "don't need to tolerate that in adult children".

I would tread gently, because you don't want this therapist telling your parents to give you an eviction notice.

The reason I say this, I find it unusual for parents to fire up a family therapist just because. I wonder what the end goal is.



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09 Nov 2018, 10:01 am

Most of these "therapists" make you feel as though you are a problem child and a burden on your family. Most of these therapists, especially in the school system, made me feel worthless. I changed from a happy, outgoing little girl into an awful person. My only saving grace was that I was a good student, but that was ignored by the school. I felt I had little in the way of other skills, especially social ones, to back that up. I saw a future full of wasted potential.



novart
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09 Nov 2018, 1:18 pm

magz wrote:
How about the guy you met previously? Can you contact him? It seems the one you are meeting now is horribly unprofessional. And what I see at the website, it is totally the opposite of what you need, in fact, it's the opposite of psychology at all!
Quote:
The main objective of this comprehensive training system is to learn how to activate a calm and assertive approach regardless of circumstance. Everyone struggles at times, and many people lack the skill and willingness to develop and utilize effective solutions, which ultimately causes unnecessary guilt, fear, stress, anger and grief.

WHAT? Those are meaningful human emotions! You need them to be assertive, you need them to be yourself! Do they just train people to supress them? That's against the psychology, that's against the basic need of acknowledging and processing your real emotions so you can go on, not get stuck with them!

They are harming people. They are encouraging people to be jerks. Keep away from that program and try to find a real psychologist if you can!


The guy before was a lot better, but I didn't like a few things. First, he didn't seem to understand the newly diagnosed adult situation at all, only kids' experiences. There was an immediate brick wall of any progress. I hated going into his practice with kids and kids toys in the waiting room. Secondly he diagnosed me without telling me. I only found out because I saw an open family email discussing me and comparing me to my very clearly disabled cousin. It felt very backhanded and made me disbelieve the diagnosis. I mean my cousin can talk and do some basic things, but he can't go a few minutes without walking in circles and making random noises.

A lot of pain went into that process. I put my all into life (moved out on my own, lost my virginity for example) just to prove how not-disabled I was, only to find myself facing my limits and weaknesses to the point where I just couldn't doubt who I was anymore. Aside from which he took my parents' side often and near the end became very dismissive of me. I lived next to an airport where on average 200 planes were taking off over my roof a day and it drove me insane. I lost my job and my will to do anything (it wasn't that bad when I was first moved in, but the airport expanded operations). He suggested I move to a group home if I couldn't just appreciate what I had when I was at my most helpless. I don't like him, I just happen to agree with the diagnosis.



novart
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09 Nov 2018, 2:01 pm

Aspie1 wrote:
There's your problem: you said "family therapist". A family therapist's loyalty isn't to the patient; it's to the patient's family. Hence the term. Family therapist is to auto mechanic as patient is to car. You are the patient, but you are not the customer; your family is. Of course, he/she will put up a front of being your friend, but any aspie with a shred of social insight can see right through it.

Usually but not always, "family" means "parents". Like in your case, OP. Do what I did with my family therapist: don't discuss anything your parents don't already know. Also try to gauge what statements your therapist looks for, and keep saying them as much as your can stomach it.


I know from experience that only encourages it with them, unfortunately. Not that I can really stomach it too much anymore. I feel like it's giving me too much credit but I do have that "social insight" to see how that game works, you are absolutely right.



novart
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09 Nov 2018, 5:54 pm

Tawaki wrote:
It sounds like the therapist is working to get you out of the family home.

Around here, there are a s**t ton of therapists that specialize in "failure to launch" adult children.

They work on getting the parents "a spine", and the end result is the kid out of the home.

I remember on ad that sounded verbatim what your therapist said about weed, gaming and not working, and parents "don't need to tolerate that in adult children".

I would tread gently, because you don't want this therapist telling your parents to give you an eviction notice.

The reason I say this, I find it unusual for parents to fire up a family therapist just because. I wonder what the end goal is.


Scary, but I can't deny it. Nothing I say about the difficulty in finding out your life was a lie and reconfiguring it accordingly impresses them. I'm making excuses for being lazy.

This stuff is difficult because for how bad my memory of my childhood is and how much I can excuse, their actions these days give me the overall impression that I was just kicked to the side and considered a lesser person before I even knew it.



Richard_the_ Dogged
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09 Nov 2018, 8:08 pm

Psychotherapy and the Recovery Movement are always wrong. They turn your experience of injustice into a medical problem and a self-improvement project.

Really Good:
https://www.amazon.com/Anti-Social-Fami ... dpSrc=srch

Also:
https://www.amazon.com/Against-Therapy- ... dpSrc=srch

To get justice you don't need a therapist, you need a lawyer.

Like say you lived British Columbia and it looked like you were at risk of disinheritance, you'd just call Trevor Todd Esq in Vancouver and the matter would be handled.

http://disinherited.com/?s=dysfunctional

This is British Columbia, not the US. But at least Todd is planting the idea in people's minds that a "Dysfunctional Family" does not mean Therapy, Recovery, and Getting Saved. It means Lawyer Territory.


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Autism-Aspergers is just a concept invented to legitimate the abuse of children and adults. Neuro-Diversity is just a way of pleading for pity. Everytime we endorse these concepts, we are further maginalizing ourselves, and encouraging child abuse. Autism-Asperger's could never even exist without Nazi Social Darwinism and Eugenics. So I no longer talk about these, I talk about lived experience, often the experience of being othered and then persecuted. I call this experience of having intelligence, insight, intuition, and mystical abilities, the Shamanic Experience. And those of us who live it need to start banding together and protecting ourselves, each other, and the children of today. Beautiful Planet, just a rotten economic and political system.


Richard_the_ Dogged
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09 Nov 2018, 8:19 pm

No amount of therapy can ever restore your social and civil standing. The therapist is not going to represent you in court or in the political sphere. All they do is mess with you in their office until you give up trying to restore your social and civil standing, and accept their premise, that it is really yourself who has been the problem all along.

Good Luck,

Richard


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Autism-Aspergers is just a concept invented to legitimate the abuse of children and adults. Neuro-Diversity is just a way of pleading for pity. Everytime we endorse these concepts, we are further maginalizing ourselves, and encouraging child abuse. Autism-Asperger's could never even exist without Nazi Social Darwinism and Eugenics. So I no longer talk about these, I talk about lived experience, often the experience of being othered and then persecuted. I call this experience of having intelligence, insight, intuition, and mystical abilities, the Shamanic Experience. And those of us who live it need to start banding together and protecting ourselves, each other, and the children of today. Beautiful Planet, just a rotten economic and political system.