Early parental loss

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Hi kraftiekortie,
I am very sorry for your loss. It can be tragic at any age . It makes no difference if they were good people and good to us then it is hard. I hope your pain gets better soon. I send you best wishes.
take care !

Hi Weez

Beautiful, thank you for your kind and inspiring words

I thank Weez as well. And Cafe au Lait.

I’m healing pretty well. I wish the same for you two.

Hugs for Kraftiekortie and anybody who has lost a parent. I lost my mom in 2011 and still miss her. I wasn't a kid, but felt like one. I have changed a lot since then and feel bad my mom never really saw me become a full adult.

I was a kid when my dad died. He wasn't exactly in my everyday life, I hadn't seen him for a few months and then he was gone. I remember the day very clearly even 23 or so years later. At the time I kind of went comatose - at least that's what I'm told. I don't honestly remember, but later on in years all the grief and anger came up. It can take awhile for these things to set in, process and go through the cycle especially for a kid like I was.

His death has messed with a lot of things in my life emotionally and with relationships. It still does; most of the time I'm fine but sometimes out of no where or I'll get triggered by something and all this turmoil about him comes through again.

I've never thought about how my ASD impacted things really. Something more to think about.

I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

I've lost quite a few people I loved. When I was about 15 or 16, my grandmother, who had lived with us as long as I can remember and was my best friend and second mother, had a stroke. It took away her personality leaving behind essentially an empty shell. I remember feeling angry that I wasn't allowed to grieve - "because it's not like your grandmother has died" - and yet, I felt such grief and a sense of loss that only grew stronger after she actually died. For a whole year I think I just sat staring out the window, eating Milo and playing the 'Titanic' soundtrack - I was halfway through college but couldn't get up the will to study, which resulted in me failing or being forced to pull out of a few subjects. It was the worst time of my life.

There are times I can think of her with a kind of serenity, knowing she's in a better place and we will meet again one day (I am a believer in heaven). But sometimes when I see something, like a garden of flowers (she was a flower lover), I feel an ache inside remembering how she used to say, if we had a fight or something, "One day you'll be missing me, but I'll have become fertiliser for the daffodils," and such things. (She was so right).

What I've found is the path of grief inevitably has a fork, where one road takes you to a deep, useless depression that never ends, and the other road offers you the ability to rise above the grief and loss and empowers you to become someone that would make them proud. I've taken both paths. I think the secret is not to let the things they stood for be lost but bring them to life in your own life, which is what they would have wanted. Then the best parts of them live on. We will never stop missing them, but this way we can find a way to carry on through the pain.

I'm sure your dad would have been very proud of you. I hope things get easier for you.

I recognize everything you've written. It's so painful and absurd to suddenly lose someone you love. In retrospect this was a traumatic experience for me. I can imagine it was for you as well.

I feel like I wasn't able to fully process his death up until a few years ago. It can be pretty hard to grieve as a child.

Thank you for your kind words.

Must be hard to lose your grandmother, especially if she was like a mom to you. Grandparents can be so precious.

Dealing with a death is always hard, but unexpected deaths are especially.

Children's minds are still developing and so are their emotional centers. Their ability to deal and cope is limited, so I suspect that's why when we experience this kind of loss as kids it ends up kind of deferred until we are able to process it. Well process it from a developmental stand point.

There's other aspects that come in when losing a parent early. Various things we were still ment to learn from them, for instance, now has to be found else where... or just never be put in place. So the trauma from loss of them is also a loss of what was yet to be. I often try to figure how much the loss of father has played in my relationships. So in that I suppose I am continuing to try to cope with his loss.

You're spot on. It's not just the loss of the person but of all you could have learnt from them still. It's terrible.

For what it's worth, I'm very close to two people who both lost mothers at a very early age. I honestly think they have more wisdom and strength today than they could have gotten from their mothers. They have more than filled in that hole. I really think life has helped them too. They have always had luck on their side, which people often underestimate.

I lost my father when I was 16 years old, and it totally crashed my whole family. Mom went alcoholic and died ten years later. I've also lost both my grandparents relatively early, and one of my close cousins died at 30. It hurts so much everytime, but time heals...slowly. I feel for every one of you!

Wow....what a bad luck. This must have changed your life tremendously. I feel very sorry for you. Do you still have family left that you are close with?

So sorry.

hello café au lait.

I know this thread is old but I might have an answer for you.
I went through the same struggle. My anxiety was so strong when my mom died that I would let her touch me. I could not bear it. I didn't even hug her before she passed. That must have been difficult for her. But she was you know... already "in pieces" and that was a pretty awful sight for me. Big trauma.

anyway, I work in wildlife management and that DOES really help.
Leaving and working with wild animals helps cope with death, I think. Death is easier for them. Less culture and drama. It just kinda happens. I do falconry. These wild birds are fierce. It teaches you about courage and death. Definitely.
I would recommend reading the book "H is for hawk". It's a book about a lady falconer who lost her father that she really liked. And how training a bird of prey helped her overcome this trauma, and "free" herself as she frees the bird.
It's not the best book on earth but its short and it helps. Hope that helps

I'm sorry about your mother. It's amazing how wildlife can bring the meaning back into life. When I was a depressed teen, watching Animal Planet always made me feel better. It kind of reminded me what life was all about.

Thank you for your response. Sorry I'm only just responding. Must have been awful to see your mom like this. I totally get the not wanting to touch your parent in order to keep control of your feelings/confrontation. How old were you when she passed?

I will defenitely look up your book. I am glad you found a way to cope with this.