Repetitive Thoughts and Anger

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Hello guys. So lately I've been facing a big problem with handling the anger I endure when I misidentify cues/intentions in other people. Whenever I'm angry due to a social misunderstanding, I tend to lash out at the person and the best way I can describe the feeling is like having a 'chest of fire'. The thoughts triggering my anger become so repetitive that I find myself being mad for prolonged periods of time, sometimes for what seems to be almost a week straight. I'm wondering if anyone has any anger management strategies for aspies like myself so that we can maintain our friendships much better without burning any bridges. I for one have burned away a list of social relationships by now and the majority was due to the same reason--my occasionally foolish executive functioning.

In the fight-or-flight response, the objective is to get away from the source of threat. All of our muscles prepare for this escape by increasing their tension level, our heart rate and respiration increase, and our whole basic metabolic system is flooded with adrenaline. Blood is diverted to the muscles, away from the viscera. The goal is to run away, or if we feel that we can't escape or if we perceive that the individual that's trying to attack us is less strong than we are, to attack them. Or if we're cornered by a predator—in other words, if there's no way to escape—then we'll fight back. Now, if none of those procedures are effective, and it looks like we're going to be killed, we go into the shock state called tonic immobility. Now the key is that when people get into this immobility state, they do it in a state of fear. And as they come out of the immobility state, they also enter a state of fear, and actually a state in which they are prepared for what sometimes is called rage counterattack. For example, you see a cat chasing a mouse. The cat catches the mouse and has it in its paws, and the mouse goes into this immobility response. And sometimes you'll actually see the cat bat the mouse around a little bit until it comes out of the immobility, because it wants the chase to go on. Now, what can happen is that the mouse, when it comes out of the immobility state, goes into what is called nondirective flight. It doesn't even look for where it can run. It just runs as fast as it can in any direction. Sometimes that's right into the cat. Other times, it will actually attack, in a counterattack of rage. I've actually seen a mouse who was captured by a cat come out of the immobility and attack the cat's nose. The cat was so startled it remained there in that state while the mouse scurried away. When people come out of this immobility response, their potential for rage is so strong and the associated sensations are so intense that they are afraid of their own impulse to strike out and to defend themselves by killing the predator. Again, this all goes back to our animal heritage.

So in a nutshell, you are suffering from stress overload and you need to learn how to purge the stress from your body in a socially acceptable manner.

Unused stress energy builds up in your muscles and nervous system. This stress energy needs to be purged or it will slowly damage your body. This can be done by exercise but there is a secret here. Most exercise only reduces stress for a few minutes or hours. You need to purge this energy so that the effects last for days, week, and months. In order to do this it requires an extreme vent. You need to simulate being chased by a tiger, literally chased by a tiger. To vent stress from your legs long-term then do ten 6-second maximal sprints (around a 50-yard dash, running like a bat out of hell) with a 30 second recovery between each sprint. These are maximal or supramaximal exercise. This is exercise where the intensity or individual’s maximal oxygen uptake (percentage of VO2max) is 100% or greater. A similar approach can be used to vent long term stress from the arms. Use a punching bag and move your arms/hands so fast that they become a blur. (6-second burst) with 30 second recovery times in-between. You don't need to punch the bag hard, a light touch will do. It is the intensity and speed that counts. And then there is your fifth limb. You need to vent the stress in your neck muscles, vocal cords, and jaw. The best way is to scream at the top of your lungs several times. But you have to do this in a socially acceptable manner. I live in the country and my dog is a free range dog. When it is meal time, I call my dog, very loudly. My voice carries about a mile. It gives me a sense of great strength, like I could split a mountain in two just with my voice alone. You might try howling like a wolf at the moon. There is a person on this site that howls at the subway cars as they pass by deep down in the subway stations in New York City. But there are other ways to scream in a socially acceptable manner. A singer can do this if it is a very powerful song. A barker in the county fair can do this. Or find yourself a soundproof room.

I had a similar problem with anger. What helped me was figuring out why I was getting angry and dealing with that reason. I mean that you should look for a reason that is more fundamental than missed social cues causing anger. Ask yourself, 'why does missing social cues make me angry?'

In my situation, I realized that I was getting angry because I felt threatened even though the other people weren't threatening me. So, instead of dealing with the social situations that were making me angry, I had to deal with the perceived threat and think about how to make myself feel safer/more comfortable.

Starkid had a good suggestion about using the analytical process of “why” to deflate some of the emotional intensity.

I have found that when I am angry it is usually the result of a conflict between reality and what I expected. I have tried to change my expectations such that I am disappointed less often.

It can also be useful to create a sort of mental “holding area” for reactions to what we think other meant when they said one thing or another. If we can learn to postpone or delay reaction until we get more information, it can help take some of the edge off.

It can also be helpful to recognize that an Aspergers neurology creates an intensity that others do not share. We may mistakenly think we are higher on the radar of others than we actually are.

It can be difficult to assess meaning from words since the same words can be used by different people and at different times to mean different things. For that reason if one perceives insult, it can be helpful to look for any supporting evidence, before concluding mal-intent. This can often be done by simply asking for clarification.

The tick is to both dampen the initial reaction and extract from each incident that which can help us learn for the future.