New to WrongPlanet and to the idea of being autistic...

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Hello! I just found this website last night and have replied to a thread already but this is my first official post of my own.

So, a little bit about me: my name is Jade, I'm 20 years old and I'm from the UK. I'm a cisgender, bisexual female who loves music, writing, genealogy, gaming, body modification, and true crime videos. I dedicate practically my whole life to the band All Time Low. They mean everything to me.

I'm not only new to WrongPlanet, but also to the idea of myself being autistic. Well, kind of new anyway. I have a lot of autistic cousins and their mothers (aka my aunties) told my mum when I was very little that they thought that I might also be autistic. At the time, my mum did not agree, but as I got older, she began to see it too and started begging me to agree to get tested but I refused. I guess I just always had the stereotypes of autism in mind and believed that that's what it was always like and because I didn't fit that bill, I didn't believe that there was any way that I could have it.

I've never been very social. I've always been an introvert, and I was actually diagnosed with social anxiety when I was 14. Even when I was a young child though, I much preferred to stay inside on my computer than go out with other kids. I had one best friend back then and even though we had our arguments, I never thought she would permanently leave me (she did). However, she did ditch me a lot because she was very extroverted and couldn't understand why I'd rather stay in my room and build castles with my VHS tapes than go outside with her. I felt so inadequate every time she left me that I cried. I will never forget being curled up on my bed in floods of tears with my parents attempting to comfort me because the person who was really my only friend at the time had gone out with my cousin instead of staying with me like she was supposed to.

I used to love playing by myself. Mainly dolls and building games. It was a good escape in a world where I was being bullied every time I went to school. Another thing that helped me escape was High School Musical. If I am autistic, then that was definitely my first "special interest." It was my life. I still like it to this day but I'm not as obsessed as I was back then.

I've always struggled in school. I was bullied basically all throughout my school life bar the last 2 years (and those 2 years were only because I dropped out of mainstream school and went to a community centre for 2 hours a day with other kids who had problems instead). It was the kind of bullying that leaves you psychologically scarred, especially in secondary school. My secondary school didn't care about it's pupils at all. I've since talked to others from that school who were also bullied to the point of no return whilst they were there, and they agree with me that it was the worst school ever. When I was 14, I dropped out and I was diagnosed with depression and social anxiety disorder, caused by my time there. I was self-harming and I wanted to die. It was awful.

I still have depression and social anxiety and now possibly OCD too. I see a support worker every few weeks for my issues regarding those but I'm over 5 years clean of self-harm so I still think I can be justified in saying I'm proud of myself. However, this year has been really, really hard. I'm back on anti-depressants again and I think the events of this year have really made me think about the possibility of me being autistic.

So, if I do have autism, I think my main special interest currently is the band All Time Low and it's been that way for almost 7 years now. They mean so much to me, they are my whole life, and I don't think I'd be here without them tbh. I have 3 tattoos dedicated to them and I get very upset and depressed if I can't listen to their music or talk about them to friends and family. I talk about them A LOT, and if someone tells me that they are fed up and want me to stop, I actually get so upset that I start crying. That might make me seem quite immature to some but to me, the feelings are just so deep and real for this band that, that is the natural and logical response. I am personally offended if someone talks bad about this band. They are just completely and utterly my everything and my world revolves around them. When I first read about special interests, I couldn't believe how much the definition described my love for All Time Low. I truly do think that it is more than just being a fangirl for me. I adore them with every fibre of my being and nobody can seem to understand or grasp it. It makes me feel so sad to have no one who loves them like I do but also, on the other hand, they're MY thing and I enjoy going to their concerts or meeting them by myself. It's the one and only time that I truly feel safe.

This year, in March, my cousin moved in with us. He HATES noise, and I mean HATES it. Any noise at all will set him off. He used to live with us in 2014/15 but he wasn't as bad as he was this year back then. Back then, he didn't seem to mind singing or music but this year, it caused so many problems. I love to sing, especially when I listen to All Time Low. It helps me get rid of all my stresses and overcome depression. But my cousin began to attempt to stifle my interests bc of his hatred of noise. He would bang on doors and walls, become very aggressive with me. It was so scary for me. I became too afraid to do what I loved and as a result, became VERY depressed, probably the most depressed I have ever been. I was seeing a therapist at the time and I was genuinely so afraid that she was going to section me bc suicide was on my mind 24/7 and it was practically all I talked about in my appointments with her. However, last year, I met All Time Low at one of their M&Gs and told them how much they've helped me and showed them my 2 tattoos, which was all I had at the time. They said my tattoos were awesome and their guitarist, Jack, grabbed my hand and told me to stay clean and not hurt myself. That was the only thing that kept me going through the hell that was this year, the fact that Jack didn't want me to hurt myself thankfully was enough for me to not do it. My mum actually told me that earlier this year was the most depressed she's ever seen me. Despite countless arguments between me and my cousin, he refused to stop being aggressive whenever I made the slightest sound, and one day, around June/July time, he punched a hole through my door simply bc I was singing. We had a little bit of a fight, although he is much stronger than me, and I called the police to get him out of our house. My mum officially kicked him out when she came back and from then on, I only got better. I think I got so depressed simply bc I wasn't able to pursue my most important interest - listening and singing to All Time Low.

After we kicked my cousin out, I randomly stumbled upon a video one day about a girl who was diagnosed with autism in adulthood. In the video, she was talking about her autistic childhood that she didn't know was autistic at the time and I became so shocked bc it sounded almost exactly like my own childhood, right down to the having tantrums if a certain material that I didn't like touched my skin (I hate silk/satin for anyone who's interested. It makes my skin crawl. We used to have this silk blanket and I would make my parents get a different blanket for my bed if they tried to put it on me at night. I also can't really go barefoot as it just goes through me to feel anything other than socks on my feet and I hate when bedsheets touch my bare skin, it's horrible). I began to do more research into ASD and realised actually just how much of it described me. It felt like my whole life was actually, finally, starting to make sense. So now, I agree with my mum and aunties and have booked an appointment with the GP bc I need to know for sure. I just hope they're open to adult diagnosis bc I know some aren't. I even think I stim tbh. Since I was a kid, I've always chewed literally everything in sight. Clothes, nails, hair, headphones, phone cases... basically, you name it, I've probably chewed it! It used to feel so horrible when I would get told off for it as a child. I couldn't understand why adults couldn't just let me do it. I wasn't hurting anyone.

Anyway, sorry for the really long post, I just needed to get this all out to people that might understand. And that feels so weird to say, because no one has ever really been able to understand me, haha.

Welcome to WP!

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

All Time Low is from Towson! I went to college there.
When I realized I was autistic, it was a revelation. It explained so much, and it improved my outlook, since I no longer had to blame myself for many things. I hope this realization will help you too.

Aw wow, that's awesome! It's one of my life dreams to go to Maryland tbh but unfortunately, I am on the other side of the pond and poor, haha. Hopefully, I'll be able to go to one of ATL's hometown shows one day but if that day does happen, it will be a long, long way away yet. I can't even find a job right now due to my issues. Confidence is a big problem for me. The handful of times that I have been invited for interviews, I freak out and mess it all up. As usual lol. Since I've been researching ASD, I think I do feel at least a little more at peace with myself? It really does feel like it could be the thing to complete the picture for me but I don't wanna officially claim to have anything unless I get professionally diagnosed. I start that process on the 21st Dec with my doctor and I'm really hoping that she will listen and refer me. The issues that I face, because I have never had any help with them, they have ruined my adult life so far. I am 20 years old and I still burst into tears and have a panic attack if my mum wants to go a different route when we're out. Like I just don't think that's neurotypical. Change freaks me out way too much imo, and I'd love to get some help with it. I wanna move out one day and get a steady job but the thought of it rn just makes me want to crawl under my covers and never come out. Everyone thinks I'm just childish but they don't understand I really can't help it. I feel like I physically can't break my routine. It feels like smth bad will happen if I do so. If it turns out I am autistic, I will honestly be SO relieved. I can't even express how much emotional turmoil I have put myself through trying to be "normal." If efforts didn't work, I simply told myself I wasn't trying hard enough and pushed myself to socialise with people. It's been so tiring and has completely broken me on many an occasion. It would be so nice to know it's not my fault, and it would be so nice to finally get some appropriate help from mental health services. It would also solve why none of my treatment has permanently "stuck" so far. Lately, I feel like I'm going round in circles with treatment and I think looking into this could really help tbh. My 5-year-old second cousin is also going through the diagnosis process right now and I think that's inspired me to go ahead with it too. He is almost non-verbal and the doctor said he has the mental age of a 3-year-old. I am so proud of him bc I've seen him meltdown so many times so it's amazing to me that he's sticking through this like he is. He's helped me think about the possibility of me having it tbh.

Greetings to WrongPlanet from the WP's version of a janitor, that's a joke, anyways, make your home here

Welcome aboard.

And if you ever do make it to my little home state of Maryland you can give me a pm. I live in Rockville (about an hours drive from Towson, and minutes from the nation's capital).

Welcome to Wrong Planet. It is important for you to like the band and sing along. The middle region of the brain stores stress energy in the limbs. We have two arms and two legs and we need to vent this stress energy periodically and purge it from our body otherwise it stays inside us and causes great harm. But there is another limb. It is the fifth limb - our neck.

So we need to vent the stress in your neck muscles, vocal cords, and jaw. The best way to accomplish this is to scream at the top of your lungs a couple times. But you have to do this in a socially acceptable manner. I live in the country and my dog is a free-range dog. When it is mealtime and my dog is up and about, I call my dog very loudly. My voice carries about a mile. It gives me a sense of great strength, like I could split a mountain in two just with my voice alone. You might try howling like a wolf at the full moon. There is a person on this site that howls at the subway cars as they pass by deep down in the subway stations in New York City. But there are other ways to scream in a socially acceptable manner. A singer can do this if it is a very powerful song. A barker in the county fair can do this. Or find yourself a soundproof room. And in your case, a fan of All Time Low can do this by singing along at the top of their lungs. So don't ever stop or give that up. It keeps you healthy.

welcome to wp.

Thank you!! ! It's really, really nice to see someone actually get it, rather than just telling me to grow up/get over it like most people do. I do think that the reason I need to do this is not only what you said though, but also because of how much I love the band. Like I said in my post, if people try to suppress/dismiss my interest in ATL, I get very upset. It is one of the things about me that makes me think "yeah, I could be on the spectrum." Nobody else seems to understand my love for them, not even fellow fans. Everyone thinks I'm extreme and obsessive and that upsets me so much bc it's not that, at least not to me anyway. They are the only thing that lets me escape from the struggles of daily life and from my mental illnesses. They mean everything to me and without them, I honestly think I would have done something very stupid to myself long ago. When I found out what special interests were, it was a complete shock to the system bc I never thought that I would ever read something that I hadn't written that described my love for this band and also for music in general. It made me feel like I might not just be totally crazy like everyone tells me after all.

When individuals experience great stress it overloads the body and produces trauma. It needs to be bleed out of your system. By venting the stress by singing loudly, it releases the stress from your body (in your case your neck) and you return to a normal unstressed state. The signs of stress/trauma abatement are:

Crying
Feeling of joy, pleasure, strength
Spontaneous shaking, trembling, and shivering
Deep Spontaneous Breaths
Sense of Pleasure
Ecstatic and blissful states accompanied by shaking and trembling.
Sense of Competency

So when you abate the stress, you naturally feel joy and pleasure and you go into an ecstatic and blissful state. So why wouldn't you naturally really, really, really like the band. They have brought you great joy.