Does anyone else struggle with this?

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The Geek Overlord
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13 Jan 2019, 6:16 pm

So, I've had two ex girlfriends over the years (both on the spectrum, and both LRDs, although I spent significant time in person with both.) The second one was an extremely clean breakup, to the point where we're way closer now, and don't even think of each other as exes. The first was horrific. She ended up spreading any and all damaging information she had about me, turned my entire friend group against me, and tried gaslighting me into believing I was physically abusive (I'm pretty gullible, but I'm not stupid. Pretty hard to do that from 800 miles away.). She told me she was lying all along, then demonstratably lied about many other subjects, and then blocked me after purposely leading me on. We haven't spoken in almost 3 years. And yet she's the one I cannot stop thinking about. I hate her. But can't stop thinking about her, no matter how much pain it brings me. Does anyone else have an impossible time making their own closure, and how does one fix it?



goldfish21
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14 Jan 2019, 4:03 am

Different, but, maybe the same, so I'll share.

We're known to be predisposed to having very intense crushes on people & experiencing an emotion called "limerence."

Quote:
lim·er·ence
/ˈlimərəns/Submit
nounPSYCHOLOGY
the state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one's feelings but not primarily for a sexual relationship.


Anyways, I've had a handful of super intense crushes throughout my life. Some of them I'm still very good friends with, others are merely social scene acquaintances I may or may not ever see again. I tend to have the same super intense crush until a new one replaces it. Sure, it can fade in intensity quite a bit over time.. but I still have a tendency to think about the same person until such a time when a brand new crush comes into my life. That's when I'm really over thinking about the last one.. and then I know I may just end up thinking about the new one for several months, or even a few years or more.. before another one comes along.

Sooooo, maybe you're similar and she won't be off your mind until someone new is on it?


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TheSpectrum
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14 Jan 2019, 4:25 am

I think you should live in a way that proves this ex to be false. They've chosen not to handle break-ups maturely; they're boosting their self-esteem and worth by rationalising that the break-up as it being "all you".

Had the break-up been amicable and rumor/conjecture not been spread you might not be here posting this. You should move past the fact that while unpleasant, this is how this person has chosen to handle you not being together any more and let them be. They've made a decision to be toxic, make the decision to forget (not necessarily forgive).

If you're fixating on this person purely because they were a woman more intimately involved in your life at some point or another, then all I can say is that I've had that, too, and it'll go away with enough experience and a different mindset.


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Astroecho
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14 Jan 2019, 8:22 am

Oh my! I didn't know there was a word for it! Limerence! Thank you.
Sounds like the ex was awful to you, and that confuses the reward system and makes us want them more. Like a drug. Hope you find someone that reciprocates your love.
Love shouldn't be treated as flippantly as some people do.



The Geek Overlord
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14 Jan 2019, 11:11 am

goldfish21 wrote:
Different, but, maybe the same, so I'll share.

We're known to be predisposed to having very intense crushes on people & experiencing an emotion called "limerence."

Quote:
lim·er·ence
/ˈlimərəns/Submit
nounPSYCHOLOGY
the state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one's feelings but not primarily for a sexual relationship.


Anyways, I've had a handful of super intense crushes throughout my life. Some of them I'm still very good friends with, others are merely social scene acquaintances I may or may not ever see again. I tend to have the same super intense crush until a new one replaces it. Sure, it can fade in intensity quite a bit over time.. but I still have a tendency to think about the same person until such a time when a brand new crush comes into my life. That's when I'm really over thinking about the last one.. and then I know I may just end up thinking about the new one for several months, or even a few years or more.. before another one comes along.

Sooooo, maybe you're similar and she won't be off your mind until someone new is on it?


OMG the limerence thing is perfect. I do get extremely attached to my friends too the point of obsession. That explanation alone made joining this site worth it.

Having someone new did work, until we broke up. And I want nothing to do with my ex. But when i'm really struggling, especially with my PTSD (not memeing here, legit have it, but obviously for different reasons) or when I'm fighting with a friend (I have a difficult time coping when anyone I care about is mad at me), I turn back to thinking about her despite knowing how horrible she is. So this does not fully make sense to me.



ShyGirl7
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14 Jan 2019, 3:59 pm

The Geek Overlord wrote:
So, I've had two ex girlfriends over the years (both on the spectrum, and both LRDs, although I spent significant time in person with both.) The second one was an extremely clean breakup, to the point where we're way closer now, and don't even think of each other as exes. The first was horrific. She ended up spreading any and all damaging information she had about me, turned my entire friend group against me, and tried gaslighting me into believing I was physically abusive (I'm pretty gullible, but I'm not stupid. Pretty hard to do that from 800 miles away.). She told me she was lying all along, then demonstratably lied about many other subjects, and then blocked me after purposely leading me on. We haven't spoken in almost 3 years. And yet she's the one I cannot stop thinking about. I hate her. But can't stop thinking about her, no matter how much pain it brings me. Does anyone else have an impossible time making their own closure, and how does one fix it?


It's great to see an example of a NT? male's experiences in a relationship with a Aspie female.

However the part where you said she did a lot of lying surprises me.

I thought Aspies tend to not lie about things - like that was a common trait?



ShyGirl7
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14 Jan 2019, 4:05 pm

goldfish21 wrote:
Different, but, maybe the same, so I'll share.

We're known to be predisposed to having very intense crushes on people & experiencing an emotion called "limerence."

Quote:
lim·er·ence
/ˈlimərəns/Submit
nounPSYCHOLOGY
the state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one's feelings but not primarily for a sexual relationship.


This also surprises me, due to only ever having seen examples of male Aspies being in relationships with other Aspies and NTs mostly just for sex.

This is the first example I've seen of this limerence phenomenon.



The Geek Overlord
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14 Jan 2019, 4:10 pm

ShyGirl7 wrote:
The Geek Overlord wrote:
So, I've had two ex girlfriends over the years (both on the spectrum, and both LRDs, although I spent significant time in person with both.) The second one was an extremely clean breakup, to the point where we're way closer now, and don't even think of each other as exes. The first was horrific. She ended up spreading any and all damaging information she had about me, turned my entire friend group against me, and tried gaslighting me into believing I was physically abusive (I'm pretty gullible, but I'm not stupid. Pretty hard to do that from 800 miles away.). She told me she was lying all along, then demonstratably lied about many other subjects, and then blocked me after purposely leading me on. We haven't spoken in almost 3 years. And yet she's the one I cannot stop thinking about. I hate her. But can't stop thinking about her, no matter how much pain it brings me. Does anyone else have an impossible time making their own closure, and how does one fix it?


It's great to see an example of a NT? male's experiences in a relationship with a Aspie female.

However the part where you said she did a lot of lying surprises me.

I thought Aspies tend to not lie about things - like that was a common trait?


I'm an aspie, not neurotypical. And not lying is a COMMON trait, but not UNIVERSAL. I'm so bad at lying that I couldn't do iy if my life depended on it, so I don't even try.



The Geek Overlord
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14 Jan 2019, 4:13 pm

ShyGirl7 wrote:
goldfish21 wrote:
Different, but, maybe the same, so I'll share.

We're known to be predisposed to having very intense crushes on people & experiencing an emotion called "limerence."

Quote:
lim·er·ence
/ˈlimərəns/Submit
nounPSYCHOLOGY
the state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one's feelings but not primarily for a sexual relationship.


This also surprises me, due to only ever having seen examples of male Aspies being in relationships with other Aspies and NTs mostly just for sex.

This is the first example I've seen of this limerence phenomenon.


Guys in general often do this, but there are always exceptions. I'm pretty squeamish with sex, and despite having dated the first girl for roughly 9 months, we never even kissed because she wasn't interested, and I was completely fine with that. I'm in it for the companionship.



Astroecho
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14 Jan 2019, 5:31 pm

ShyGirl7 wrote:
goldfish21 wrote:
Different, but, maybe the same, so I'll share.

We're known to be predisposed to having very intense crushes on people & experiencing an emotion called "limerence."

Quote:
lim·er·ence
/ˈlimərəns/Submit
nounPSYCHOLOGY
the state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one's feelings but not primarily for a sexual relationship.


This also surprises me, due to only ever having seen examples of male Aspies being in relationships with other Aspies and NTs mostly just for sex.

This is the first example I've seen of this limerence phenomenon.


Im with Geek that it's been worth joining for this alone. I so wish I'd known about this before to help understand what happens to me! Not that it's happened much, only a couple of times, and then I turn into a bit of an idiot I think. I'm like that atm with someone that Ive had a long distance relationship with for 7 years. Although thinking about it my first crush was a paper boy in UK that on Sundays as a 10 year old I'd get up early to walk the dog to the shop just to get a glimpse of him! (Took a lot to get me out of bed early!)



ShyGirl7
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14 Jan 2019, 10:36 pm

Astroecho wrote:
ShyGirl7 wrote:
goldfish21 wrote:
Different, but, maybe the same, so I'll share.

We're known to be predisposed to having very intense crushes on people & experiencing an emotion called "limerence."

Quote:
lim·er·ence
/ˈlimərəns/Submit
nounPSYCHOLOGY
the state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one's feelings but not primarily for a sexual relationship.


This also surprises me, due to only ever having seen examples of male Aspies being in relationships with other Aspies and NTs mostly just for sex.

This is the first example I've seen of this limerence phenomenon.


Im with Geek that it's been worth joining for this alone. I so wish I'd known about this before to help understand what happens to me! Not that it's happened much, only a couple of times, and then I turn into a bit of an idiot I think. I'm like that atm with someone that Ive had a long distance relationship with for 7 years. Although thinking about it my first crush was a paper boy in UK that on Sundays as a 10 year old I'd get up early to walk the dog to the shop just to get a glimpse of him! (Took a lot to get me out of bed early!)


Awww. :heart:

Assuming the paper boy was your age, you should have asked him out for some coffee. :D



Astroecho
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15 Jan 2019, 12:08 am

He was a couple of years older and had moved from South Africa. I'd have been too shy to say anything! Just adored him from afar lol. I met him at a friends party when I was 17 though. He liked music and was the first person that told me about B52's and U2 who had just released their first album 'Boy'. I ended up having a kiss with him but found out that he had a gf afterwards. :( Still like the bands to this day tho! lol

Still, It's very interesting this limerence thing. I wish I'd understood about it years ago. I wish I'd understood the whole aspie thing too. It would have helped so much. I think people just thought I was bright and just highly strung. If I'd known I wouldn't have made such an effort to fit in and would have realised it was ok to be a loner and sit next to the water thinking and day dreaming. People have caused me no end of confusion.


Have other people had many unrequited loves they were to shy to talk to? Maybe it's better to day dream than be rejected? They say great art comes from the feeling as you try and prove you are worthy. :)



The Geek Overlord
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15 Jan 2019, 10:57 am

Astroecho wrote:
He was a couple of years older and had moved from South Africa. I'd have been too shy to say anything! Just adored him from afar lol. I met him at a friends party when I was 17 though. He liked music and was the first person that told me about B52's and U2 who had just released their first album 'Boy'. I ended up having a kiss with him but found out that he had a gf afterwards. :( Still like the bands to this day tho! lol

Still, It's very interesting this limerence thing. I wish I'd understood about it years ago. I wish I'd understood the whole aspie thing too. It would have helped so much. I think people just thought I was bright and just highly strung. If I'd known I wouldn't have made such an effort to fit in and would have realised it was ok to be a loner and sit next to the water thinking and day dreaming. People have caused me no end of confusion.


Have other people had many unrequited loves they were to shy to talk to? Maybe it's better to day dream than be rejected? They say great art comes from the feeling as you try and prove you are worthy. :)


I'll be too shy temporarily, but I am NOT a subtle person, and will always do it eventually. Problem is, despite the fact that I'm incredibly charismatic within the right circles, (I literally have a cult following of nerds. The Dark Brotherhood of The Geek Overlord is a very long story.) I always end up getting rejected, and those that thought they legitimately had feelings for me have admitted to lying to themselves about it.