my husbands happiness

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Hi,

Someone suggested to me recently that my husband might have Asperger's, so I did some research and I think it's quite possible. I have known him for 14 years and he has a lot of the descriptive traits.

He mentioned something once that makes me believe that he might of been diagnosed in some way as a child but it was taboo then so I am not sure what happened with that. his parents went through great effort to get him to act certain ways, and I think they meant well, but I don't think it was the best thing for him.

I suspect that he has been "passing" since he was a child (he said so multiple times without using the term) and that it has thrown him into a really deep depression. We have been attending couples therapy because his depression has taken a toll on our life, but also because I have always had a feeling like he was not 100% himself around me. I feel responsible for his sadness. I want to talk things through so that he can get the things that he wants and needs but it seems like he does not like talking and it makes everything worse for him.

He says he doesn't feel safe but he cant express why. I feel like it's most likely due to my lack of understanding over the years, even now.

I can give one example: He sighs loudly, repeatedly. He also vibrates his lips (I am not sure what that's called) and it makes me feel like he is annoyed with me. I ask him often "what is wrong, why are you sighing heavily" "are you mad at me, did I do something to upset you, you keep making that sound" and he would always say that everything was fine. Overtime, he has stopped making those sounds as much, most likely to cater to my feelings. The other day, after doing some research and reading about stimming, I figured, maybe that's what he is doing. So he did the lip thing in the car again and I decided to try and look at it from another angle "why do you do that, does it make you feel good?" (with an upbeat voice) and he told me that the vibration takes him mind off of his reoccurring thoughts, and that the heavy sighs ground him. So I told him that I was gald it brought him conform, and he continued doing it.
As a side note, He also picks at things sometimes, in a slowly destructive way. He picks the plastic off of his phone case or he will scratch at the skin on my arm or he will scratch at the corner of the remote. I tried giving him a rock instead so he can squeeze it.

He will often say hurtful things to me and then not really understand why I am upset. He apologizes but it seems like its an automatic response to people being upset. When I am sad, he rarely comforts me and always feels responsible even if I am clear about it not being about him. Also, if I am having an off day, or if I am just a tiny bit upset about anything, he says that I "explode" which is confusing because especially in regards to the last occasion, I was very careful to speak quietly, speak respectfully, be kind, etc. I think he might be really sensitive to negative emotions.

I am not sure what to do. My biggest wish is for me to understand him better, so he can feel accepted and not have to "pass" anymore. I don't know if that's possible, or how I can do that. I just want him to be happy.

Any advice?

The story of his lip stims and sighs show that you are starting to understand him.
I often sigh and stim and talk in angry voice because of sensory issues - the world is too loud for me, a normal conversation can be enough to trigger a headache and processing all the information I get from the world is a toil. It's kind of hard to describe, how a brain that does not filter out sitmuli the normal way gets overwhelmed by seemingly "nothing". All you can do about it is accept - he is doing it for his own comfort.

Another thing is him saying hurtful things without realizing it. It often helps to ask 'what did you exactly mean by saying <what was said>? Should I read it as <my interpretation>?' Clarifications make life easier.

And my final advice (at least in this post): You are not responsible for your husband's happiness. I know it's hard, I had a hard time accepting it when my husband struggled with anxiety and eating disorder but refused to get any professional help. It is extremely hard to see the one you love suffering and being unable to help but... it turned for the best that way. Look up psychological boundaries. You need them to maintain your own mental health, so you can support those you love.

Best to you both!

If he does this same move all the time then maybe he has Tourette syndrome, not AS?

Thank you, i'll look it up

I don't know much about tourettes, but thanks for suggesting it.

I didn't really notice any of these traits specifically before I married him. I think some things I did notice but it was so subtle that I didn't really make much of it. When I look back, I feel like it almost amplified over time but maybe I just didn't notice it as much before and it was the same all the time.

If he does have Autism he will most likely benefit from clear and direct communication. It is a social interaction disability, so we often have issues with body language and other "between the lines" communication.