Getting used to depression?

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Oh, come on, knowing that someone is struggling with the same is kind of supporting

ya it is for me. good it is for u too. struggling indeed. i am very lost at this time. not my usual quality, ya. still want u to feel better, uknoit.

My parents mistook my last episode of depression as just a really big tantrum. That's so not what it was/is

we know...

Yes, we know it.
It's good you know what was happening.

magz. amazing skill in pinpointing) and ya, that is the most important part. u know, and keep that knowledge. and dont let anybody make u doubt it.

It's not really a pinpoint, it's selfish, it's pointing out what I lack.
I have no idea what I'm feeling.
Just my stomach gets crazy again and my hands shake even more than usual.
And I have a strange sensation in my limbs, like they were frostbitten - numb and burning. Gets worse with alcohol, unlike real frostbite. Never had anything like this before.
I suppose I'm panicking but I don't feel it, it's buried deep in my body.

been there, done that, got a tshirt. or 100. we could set up shop, ukno. so well. when i am trapped, when i see no way, when i dont know what to do - i look for the most morbid, scariest thing in my mindscape. and i go for it and take it down. past it lies the next level. each and every time. jump the shark. do it again. then, gradually, u find - u.

Suicidal again.
Like on a swing.

I'm starting to notice the pattern. I get suicidal when I'm exhausted and there is no prospect of rest.
Like my value was dependent on my work... and when I can't work, it becomes negative. I start to think that getting rid of me would be overall beneficial.
Right now I'm physically ill. So weak that I can't manage the children but I'm still in charge of them.
And no alone time.

^
I have no words of wisdom - hugs and good thoughts for you, please take care of yourself

Yep.

Be objective about your value to the children.

Take care of yourself.

{{{{{ magz }}}}}

You need time alone to decompress and heal your physical illness too. Is there anyone who can stand in for you with the kids while you rest, go to hospital, or go to someone's else's home, to take care of yourself? I'm worried about you. Please label this as an emergency with your husband. Do please keep us posted. I wish I could help because I know you carry a lot of stress and responsibility.

Thinking of you and sending best wishes.

Thanks.
Spilling it out helped a bit.
I guess I'm too logical to really self harm, though sometimes I wish I could do it to inform others how serious the situation is. While I try not to mask, playing down how much I suffer to socially acceptable levels is still kind of automatic.
I think I'm sleepy. Maybe I can sleep a bit? It should help with infections.

My husband ordered me to stay at home and play video games all day.
I guess he's right.

I hope you feel better soon.

Thank you for being here
It's all ups and downs, a few weeks of healthy mind, then a collapse again.
It's good I can identify being below the bar so I don't make stupid decisions then.

Now it's mostly pain - not exactly pain itself but it's the closest similarity. It numbs all the rest. I'm probably hungry. I should help my daughter with schoolwork but probably this exactly has drained me so low. She doesn't want to do it. My husband goes furious when she does what she wants - play video games all day. But when he's furious, she most certainly won't do anything but curl up and refuse to speak. I can make her open up and do the work but it costs me more than I can sustainably afford.