dating while trans, and the frustration it brings

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MushroomPrincess
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11 Feb 2019, 5:28 pm

Okay, so.... I'm on Tinder a lot. I get a lot of matches with guys and girls, but nine times out of ten they'll lose interest if I tell them I'm trans. I actually hit it off really well with this one straight guy, he kept showing me pictures of his girlfriend (they were both flippin' hot :heart: ) and he liked all the pictures I sent him, including a few topless photos which he REALLY loved.... but then I finally had to tell him "hey, before this goes any further, I'm trans and I hope that's not gonna be a dealbreaker?" he ghosted me shortly after I told him that -_-;

So what am I supposed to do? Just hide the fact that I'm trans until after we've met in person, and risk being murdered? Or am I just supposed to face the fact that I'm not like other women and I never will be, and that I should just stick with my own kind? It's just really, really frustrating... sigh



The_Face_of_Boo
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11 Feb 2019, 5:35 pm

Usually Tans people make it super clear in their profiles that they’re trans, that in case the dating app doesn’t provide gender choices beyond female/male. Some even add (Trans) to their screename.

You should be super clear to avoid what you’re experiencing from being repeated. At least the others should know this fact of you before you go sexual with them.

Surely that would mean way less matches for you but at least you wouldn’t waste your time nor others’ time.



MushroomPrincess
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11 Feb 2019, 5:43 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Usually Tans people make it super clear in their profiles that they’re trans, that in case the dating app doesn’t provide gender choices beyond female/male. Some even add (Trans) to their screename.

You should be super clear to avoid what you’re experiencing from being repeated. At least the others should know this fact of you before you go sexual with them.

Surely that would mean way less matches for you but at least you wouldn’t waste your time nor others’ time.

I don't wanna match with chasers though >_< I don't want to scare away all the normal straight dudes before they even get to know me......



nick007
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11 Feb 2019, 5:45 pm

MushroomPrincess wrote:
I actually hit it off really well with this one straight guy, he kept showing me pictures of his girlfriend (they were both flippin' hot :heart: ) and he liked all the pictures I sent him, including a few topless photos which he REALLY loved.... but then I finally had to tell him "hey, before this goes any further, I'm trans and I hope that's not gonna be a dealbreaker?" he ghosted me shortly after I told him that -_-;
Why was he on a dating site if he already had a girlfriend. Was he in an open realtionship & are you OK with dating a guy who's already serious enough with another women for her to be his girlfriend :?:


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The Grand Inquisitor
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12 Feb 2019, 8:14 am

MushroomPrincess wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Usually Tans people make it super clear in their profiles that they’re trans, that in case the dating app doesn’t provide gender choices beyond female/male. Some even add (Trans) to their screename.

You should be super clear to avoid what you’re experiencing from being repeated. At least the others should know this fact of you before you go sexual with them.

Surely that would mean way less matches for you but at least you wouldn’t waste your time nor others’ time.

I don't wanna match with chasers though >_< I don't want to scare away all the normal straight dudes before they even get to know me......

Well most straight dudes are only interested in biological females (hence being straight), so not being a biological female in and of itself will scare most of them away. You'd probably find more success pursuing bisexual guys or pansexual guys, those who are more open-minded about their choice in partners.

In the context of tinder though, you'll waste less time if you include the fact that you're trans upfront. Otherwise you'll keep encountering situations whereby you get ghosted in the same fashion by people who are not romantically or sexually open to trans people, which includes most straight people.



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12 Feb 2019, 3:50 pm

I think there are some positives to take from this:
-You're passing
-People find you attractive and interesting on dating sites
-You've identified problems that can help you find a solution.

It's worth noting you are hiding certain information about yourself and expressing an interest in men who don't match the orientations best suited to trans women. Do you want a straight dude specifically? Because while a straight guy may be open to the idea they can like you and still be straight, very few people are open to the ideas of deception and being lied to. Trust is key here. If you can't trust them with the fact you are trans, and they can't trust you to be honest with them, then there is no lasting bond. You can spin it all you want but that is the crux of the situation.

I think you're a very perceptive individual, and while coming out on Tinder might leave you open to chasers and fetishists, I think you're well equipped to identify who they are and refuse them, just like you would any other offers you don't like the sound of.

I hope the above doesn't come across as critical, and I really hope you can take on board some of what has been said in the thread and find the right person for you.


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12 Feb 2019, 3:51 pm

Unfortunately many people want a cisgendered person. One reason could be they want to have kids and another reason is they do not want to date another person who identifies as the same sex as them because they are straight. Like a transman would not be able to get me pregnant. But yet I would not want to date a trans woman because I am not a lesbian nor bi. Even if the woman still looked like a dude, I know in the future she would look more and more feminine as she does hormone treatment and it wouldn't be fair to her to force her to keep that body just to keep me attracted to her and to keep making me feel I am with a man.

As for chasers, this never made sense, so what if people get turned on by trans, there are people out there that get turned on by skinny people or women with large breasts or small breasts or blonde hair or intelligence, etc. Is that fetishizing them or being a chaser? How is being attracted to trans any different? It's called a preference.


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The Grand Inquisitor
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12 Feb 2019, 6:31 pm

TheSpectrum wrote:
It's worth noting you are hiding certain information about yourself and expressing an interest in men who don't match the orientations best suited to trans women. Do you want a straight dude specifically? Because while a straight guy may be open to the idea they can like you and still be straight, very few people are open to the ideas of deception and being lied to. Trust is key here. If you can't trust them with the fact you are trans, and they can't trust you to be honest with them, then there is no lasting bond. You can spin it all you want but that is the crux of the situation.

I'd dare say that the deal-breaker in almost all situations will be the being trans in and of itself rather than perceived deception. I'd imagine if OP was matched with someone who was open to dating transwomen and didnt mention the fact that she was a transwoman straight away, but as I mentioned before, most cisgendered heterosexual men are looking for cisgendered heterosexual (or maybe bisexual) women, and are not open-minded when it comes to gender. I'd imagine it would be similar for homosexuals too. The open-minded ones are bisexuals, pansexuals and yeah I guess the chasers, but for some reason OP wants to make things more difficult for herself by pursuing straight guys.



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13 Feb 2019, 7:14 pm

pretty much be straight forward about it in your profile like said before, that's the best advice. And as people said yes vast majority of straight peeps won't date trans and I am as well because personally I don't consider trans as the gender they changed to (no offense or disrespect, I do refer to trans as whatever gender they feel comfortable). If certain people are turned on by it then I don't see how it's a problem on the contrary, that's one of the sources for attraction. A girl I would not be attracted to would be harder for me to show sincere interest in, so same goes there.

State in profile, you will get far less responses, true, BUT when you do get a response it will be a serious one without inconveniences or misunderstandings..

just my two cents.

edit: the grand how did you write in red?



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14 Feb 2019, 12:29 am

I have some trans friends and coworkers, and have seen many others profiles on Grindr. I know it's more of a hookup app vs. LTR dating app, but, it's a very trans-friendly app. They even have the option of selecting trans vs. cis and displaying it in your profile in order to be up front about it. I've seen some people write the phrase "No chasers." in their profile. Also, you can select that you're interested in friendship, dating, networking, relationships vs. hookups and some will write "No hookups."

The vast majority are gay guys on there, but there are bi people, as well as profiles that indicate in the username or profile text that they are specifically "trans-attracted," or "seeking trans," or "trans only." You might still get a lot of hookup messages, but if that's not your thing just delete/block them and wait until you strike up a conversation with some guy you're compatible with.

One of my trans friends met a husband from some website that's a dating/connections site for trans attracted people. I don't know if their marriage is still on. (they moved out of the country to be with him, but are back now - but it may just be for medical/surgery reasons and not because their marriage didn't work out - I haven't asked.) Anyways, there are trans match-making websites out there.. but like my friend here, you might hit it off with someone half way around the world and then have to give serious consideration to relocating.. could be worth a shot like it was for them.


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14 Feb 2019, 2:09 am

MushroomPrincess wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Usually Tans people make it super clear in their profiles that they’re trans, that in case the dating app doesn’t provide gender choices beyond female/male. Some even add (Trans) to their screename.

You should be super clear to avoid what you’re experiencing from being repeated. At least the others should know this fact of you before you go sexual with them.

Surely that would mean way less matches for you but at least you wouldn’t waste your time nor others’ time.

I don't wanna match with chasers though >_< I don't want to scare away all the normal straight dudes before they even get to know me......


Basically you're trapped between creepy, undesirable fetishists and creeped out, but otherwise desirable matches?

I'm not sure I have a solution to offer, I'm just trying to make sure I understand the problem, because I've heard other subcategories of women make that sort of observation before, if that observation is analogous to yours.


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