Close friends, but...?

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So, I have two very close friends and I really do like them. I don't judge them and they don't judge me. Since graduating high school we see each other around once a month, sometimes more and sometimes less. I just find it so weird that I don't miss them when they are not around. This makes me feel bad when they tell me that they miss me and I just can't relate to that feeling (but I don't say that). One time I said to one of them when we were still in high school that I prefer to spend time alone at home and she seemed to take offense to that which wasn't my intention of course.

Sure we always have fun together and we send each other memes and talk a little online almost everyday, but why am I totally fine with not seeing them for a long time? Also, I basically never initiate things. I don't really know why, but I have never really been good at taking initiative when it comes to asking people to hang out.

Another thing that bothers me a bit is that even though we are really close, I can rarely relax fully in their company (especially not when we are at one of our houses and don't have anything specific we are planning to do). Something I used to daydream about was those kind of friendships you saw in movies where they would randomly go to each others houses and do whatever they would normally do at home, just with each other. They would open up the fridge whenever they were hungry and things like that, as if they were family. Maybe that's just fiction though? People can't be that relaxed around friends for real, right?

Even though I don't miss them when we don't hang out, I get scared thinking about not having them around. Like the thought of not being friends with them scares me, so obviously I value our friendship. Yet I still can't initiate things!! When I'm at home doing whatever I always do (spending time on the computer...), I don't really think about them or what they are up to and I don't usually ask about their day or how things are going. Occasionally I remember to do that, but in all honestly I don't always care that much even if I really like them as people. It just doesn't come naturally to me. Sometimes I feel like they don't deserve me.

Can anyone relate to this?

Yes, I can relate.

I love my daughter (who is Aspie, as am I) very much, but I really have to make an effort for an "excuse" to get together. When we do hang out, we seem to have about an hour and a half limit before we begin to get on each other's nerves. If she comes to my place and we don't have an agenda, it seems to stress her. And if we do have an agenda, that stresses her too. And her getting stressed makes me stressed.

I try to call or text her about once a week, and more often if I know she is having a hard time. But it always feels mechanical, and I never expect much in return. I wish it were different, but I can't make it so.

I don't like to hang out with people for too long, either.

I can relate.

i can relate
friendships are pretty rare for me. i'm a passive type who's afraid of initiating a convo. some people would find me "boring" or "dry" because of it.

I'm that way. Very few people have I ever really missed in my entire life. I have said I did miss them but that was just my trying to pass as NT. So I think it is part of being AS. I now live alone and have done so for about the past year and a half. Do I miss anyone? No. Am I lonely? No. I too have two friends (but they do not know each other) and I see them periodically and send the occasional email between times.

So do what you feel you need to do (and say) to be a good friend and rest comfortably that you have done your best.