Having eye contact

Post Reply New Topic

My eye-looking contact seems to be context dependent. If I'm mentally focused, the usual state, I'm not aware of where/what I look at. If engaged in discussions, I usually focus on mouths and seem to get some talker's "state" from mouth watching. If in a "blank" context, I only do "flicking" eye watch past all others present, eyes. If stared at, it feels "raped level" invasive (I've used that term/expression before & offended some; but it remains my best description. I know rape. Appologies if it offends.) with lots of strong fight or flight physical sensations: tense muscles, sweat, dizzyness, nausea, shaking, etc. Only intense mental focus on a topic removes them (e.g. what's that guy/gal all about??). When in a new threat condition(s), I scan everything, even eyes OK. I think its the mental focus of it that makes it OK. I'm strongly face blind and can't read face emotions. I often do not recognize known people by faces, but by voices. I think I read mouths like most read eyes. I practice drawing known peoples faces, from their pictures mostly, to learn to recognize them. (Doing it live is scarry stress steath work.) It kindof helps/works. I seem to be kindof visual, but it's pattern based and time lags for new patterns but fast locks on/in for known patterns. It gets described as "noticing details," but is not "detailing" but "patterning!!" I'm going to start wearing dark glasses, mentioned above, to see if I can kill off my worst eye stresses. Thanks for telling about it.

PS: I have a strong "kids & wounded" automatic affinity, and an equally strong " bad and mean guys/sutuations" automatic threat detector. Dogs don't like me at all & visa versa.

Eye contact is creepy to me. I don't get why neurotypicals make such a big deal out of whether somebody is staring into their pupils or not. In the rare circumstances where someone is forcing me to make "eye contact", I stare into their mouths. Otherwise, I normally just look away and look at what they're wearing or objects in the distance.

Interestingly, I can make eye contact with other animals, just not humans.

There's a scientific reason why we're bad at eye contact, apparently. I don't know it well enough to explain it though.

I don't really like eye contact. Depending on where you go to school the police officers differ. You get -I want to stare straight into the very innocent nature of your soul- and then you got the, we cool with anything people.

The city is so weird vs. Town schools.

I think the country is friendlier for aspies.

I think the suburbs aren't aspie friendly but they seem to teach okay.

I hate the city a lot and the suburbs. I think the villages are my only residence

I've never liked eye contact and I've always had major difficulties doing it in situations where I'm forced to make eye contact with someone else. Like I want to be looking anywhere else but directly into someone's eyes.

Making eye contact for me is "intense". I don't know how else to describe it. If I am close to someone and looking into their eyes it seems rather emotional, in some strange way. Hard to describe exactly how it feels, but "intense" fits as good as anything.

I guess that as a child I did not make eye contact because I know that, when I was rather young, my parents told me it was polite to look at people when I was talking to them. So I did. But they did not specify eye contact so I didn't do that. This has almost never been an issue for me; I figure that if you're not standing too closely then looking-at and eye-contact look a lot alike.

But in 2019, when I first started reading about Autism, I learned that lack of eye-contact was a common trait of Autism. So I was self-conscious about it when I went to get my Adult Autism Assessment.

The psychologist was a nice young lady (at least, young relative to me) and much of the time we were facing each other across a not too large table. Because I knew eye-contact was significant I tried making eye-contact and I almost immediately stopped doing that. It felt much too intimate. I was a married man and it felt wrong!

Intimate is a good description. That is kind of how it feels to me also-hence my choice of the word emotional in my previous post.

One of my current SI's is eye contact; a really intriguing topic. I give eye contact NOT to benefit the other person, but to communicate MY disposition. For instance, how is a person to know I'm bloody furious with them and won't back down if I avoid eye contact?

If you "fake" it by looking between their eyes, or at their forehead or mid-nose, this apparently serves the purpose well and goes undetected.

I don't believe one should make eye contact or almost eye contact (faking it) to make some NT feel comfortable.

Instead, I believe it should be done to assert confidence and conviction. Otherwise you'll come off as vulnerable and easily bullied or harassed. Or, the manager at a store is less likely to give you that refund if you keep avoiding eye contact or almost-contact.

Dr. Shaun Murphy ("The Good Doctor") doesn't give much direct eye contact, but when he gets riled up and needs to make a point, he tosses it in there for a few seconds. This is very important. Otherwise who will take you seriously?

I've had to drill my eyes into others when confronting them about a problem. If I must talk longer than 10 or 12 seconds, though, I need to look away to maintain the flow of my words. I must often remind myself to return my gaze.

When I was a personal trainer I'd have to convince people to buy expensive training packages. Yes, I kept looking away while talking. But when THEY were talking, expressing their frustration with weight gain or whatever, I fixed my eyes on theirs. People aren't going to feel that you can help them if you avoid eye contact while they're expressing their situation.

Even though I'm clinically diagnosed autistic, I still don't understand how people, especially men, could find eye contact "agonizing" or "creepy." I avoid it with STRANGERS PASSING ME, and may find myself looking BETWEEN the eyes in a very brief greeting with someone I don't know. But otherwise, I consider my eye contact pretty good. My autism comes with good eye contact but horrible people skills.

I look at mouths - because it helps me process words and because it is uncomfortable looking at eyes. As a result, I can recognize all my students from their mouths. I notice right away if they lose a tooth or get braces, or bust their lip, or start to grow a mustache, but I can’t tell you what color eyes any of them have and I never notice when they get glasses or contacts. When we had to wear masks because of Covid - I couldn’t recognize some of them at all! It was awful. I tried to recognize them by hair. It did not work well.

Help me understand why it would be uncomfortable looking at the eyes, or even between them, of your own students (I can understand a stranger on the street passing by, but these are your own students). I understand how watching lip movements can help you hear the words, but you did mention that eye contact is "uncomfortable."

For the record, I'd find looking at mouths yucky (coldsores, chapped lips, saliva strings, food bits, gums, etc.). I don't "read" eyes, though. It's just that if I avoided eye contact, I'd come off as insecure and submissive (which is why predators and bullies can literally be scared off by strong eye contact).

It feels far too intimate and invasive - more so with a student than with a passing stranger.