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LonelyTogether
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15 Mar 2019, 2:50 pm

This was posted first in what looks to be an OLD forum, so I am posting again in hopes of honest feedback.

I am NT and married to an Aspie. We have been married for 3 of our 8 years together. We tend to go through a few types of cycles, and I don't know how much energy I can put toward the relationship any longer. I am writing this to gain some insight and advice. Please know that I am very aware there are varying social and physical struggles for Aspies and expect this may be frustrating for some to read. I sincerely am at the end of my rope and seeking help.

Our physical cycle starts with gradual decline in some type of touch or frequency of sex (verbal intimacy has never been a thing with us even though he knows how to flirt with others when playing a role to socialize). I then start feeling lonely or doubting that he cares as much as he used to, and I think "he used to be willing to do blank, but now he is not. Does it mean he doesn't care as much?" When/if I bring my concerns to him (sometimes calmly,sometimes not), he perceives it as being told he is not good enough. I then feel like I must not be good enough or have been too insensitive and decide to comprimise/stop asking for that particular expression of intimacy. Sometimes he temporarily tries to be more cognizant, but it never really seems to stick as part of the routine, and almost all intimacy has now eroded away.

This is the tip of the iceberg...we also struggle with parenting, finances, chemical dependency leading to DUIs, and loss of interaction with friends and family.

I am a natural caretaker, which I am sure is one of the reasons he was attracted to me at first, but now it seems that the cards have been dealt in such a way that discomfort for him has been removed as much as possible, and I am now the uncomfortable one, always questioning why I feel the need for touch.
I rarely ask for compromise anymore because of the reactions I get. Even something as small as asking (maybe 3 times a year) to have my shoulders rubbed on a very stressful day garnishes a heavy sigh or an eye roll. When I ask for things, I try to detach emotionally and remove all hope for a positive reaction so that I am not hurt if there is a negative response, but removing hope from a relationship is not healthy either.

With his unwillingness to say or do anything outside of the bed more intimate than periodically putting his hand on my thigh or head in my lap, I have now grown bored with sex (NOT like me at all). I almost never initiate sex any longer.

I love kissing and cuddling but dismissed those desires several years ago. He used to do other things that were clearly love actions that made up for the lack of touch (making dinner and other tasks he would take off my plate), but that is less frequent as well. He seems to think that keeping a job (another difficult cycle we have been through several times), staying sobering, and sharing tasks around the house are all he needs to do to feed the relationship.

It feels like I am pushing someone on a swing who doesn't realize he needs to pump his legs to keep moving until the swing slows to a stop. Realizing that pushing is a type of enabling, I am so tired of pushing and am ready to just jump onto my own swing and pump it myself. I would rather be alone than lonely together. Have any of you made it through situations like this successfully?



karathraceandherspecialdestiny
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15 Mar 2019, 7:38 pm

Is this the same husband who is constantly cheating on you and lying to you? If so, you need to leave and get a divorce because it sounds like you are married to a shitbag. Whether he is actually autistic or not is kind of irrelevant at this point.



LonelyTogether
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15 Mar 2019, 10:44 pm

karathraceandherspecialdestiny wrote:
Is this the same husband who is constantly cheating on you and lying to you? If so, you need to leave and get a divorce because it sounds like you are married to a shitbag. Whether he is actually autistic or not is kind of irrelevant at this point.


No, thankfully in this case, I have been mistaken for another person. None of our struggles are that straight-forward. There was some lying around addiction issues, but that has improved.



karathraceandherspecialdestiny
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15 Mar 2019, 10:57 pm

LonelyTogether wrote:
karathraceandherspecialdestiny wrote:
Is this the same husband who is constantly cheating on you and lying to you? If so, you need to leave and get a divorce because it sounds like you are married to a shitbag. Whether he is actually autistic or not is kind of irrelevant at this point.


No, thankfully in this case, I have been mistaken for another person. None of our struggles are that straight-forward. There was some lying around addiction issues, but that has improved.


Yes, I mistook you for another new person. Sorry about that.



magz
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16 Mar 2019, 7:43 am

LonelyTogether wrote:
This was posted first in what looks to be an OLD forum, so I am posting again in hopes of honest feedback.

I am NT and married to an Aspie. We have been married for 3 of our 8 years together. We tend to go through a few types of cycles, and I don't know how much energy I can put toward the relationship any longer. I am writing this to gain some insight and advice. Please know that I am very aware there are varying social and physical struggles for Aspies and expect this may be frustrating for some to read. I sincerely am at the end of my rope and seeking help.

Our physical cycle starts with gradual decline in some type of touch or frequency of sex (verbal intimacy has never been a thing with us even though he knows how to flirt with others when playing a role to socialize). I then start feeling lonely or doubting that he cares as much as he used to, and I think "he used to be willing to do blank, but now he is not. Does it mean he doesn't care as much?" When/if I bring my concerns to him (sometimes calmly,sometimes not), he perceives it as being told he is not good enough. I then feel like I must not be good enough or have been too insensitive and decide to comprimise/stop asking for that particular expression of intimacy. Sometimes he temporarily tries to be more cognizant, but it never really seems to stick as part of the routine, and almost all intimacy has now eroded away.

This is the tip of the iceberg...we also struggle with parenting, finances, chemical dependency leading to DUIs, and loss of interaction with friends and family.

I am a natural caretaker, which I am sure is one of the reasons he was attracted to me at first, but now it seems that the cards have been dealt in such a way that discomfort for him has been removed as much as possible, and I am now the uncomfortable one, always questioning why I feel the need for touch.
I rarely ask for compromise anymore because of the reactions I get. Even something as small as asking (maybe 3 times a year) to have my shoulders rubbed on a very stressful day garnishes a heavy sigh or an eye roll. When I ask for things, I try to detach emotionally and remove all hope for a positive reaction so that I am not hurt if there is a negative response, but removing hope from a relationship is not healthy either.

With his unwillingness to say or do anything outside of the bed more intimate than periodically putting his hand on my thigh or head in my lap, I have now grown bored with sex (NOT like me at all). I almost never initiate sex any longer.

I love kissing and cuddling but dismissed those desires several years ago. He used to do other things that were clearly love actions that made up for the lack of touch (making dinner and other tasks he would take off my plate), but that is less frequent as well. He seems to think that keeping a job (another difficult cycle we have been through several times), staying sobering, and sharing tasks around the house are all he needs to do to feed the relationship.

It feels like I am pushing someone on a swing who doesn't realize he needs to pump his legs to keep moving until the swing slows to a stop. Realizing that pushing is a type of enabling, I am so tired of pushing and am ready to just jump onto my own swing and pump it myself. I would rather be alone than lonely together. Have any of you made it through situations like this successfully?

I have no idea what the impact on your relationship will be but it is definitely time to push your own swing. Your husband likely struggles with keeping his job and staying sober and he likely has little spare energy - but it doesn't mean you should pump your energy into him. Take care of yourself first. I know it is hard for a natural carer but you can't give anything of value when you're empty. Your needs are valid. Your needs are what you need.
So yes, push your own swing and whatever happens to your husband, it's his problem. I know it is hard, I went through it when my husband struggled with his eating disorder - but acknowledging it is his problem and I need to care for myself first helped us both, now we are out of the worst.


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Magna
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16 Mar 2019, 8:40 am

He was officially diagnosed? If so, how long has he you known this?

When you say chemical dependency and DUIs (plural), do you mean him? Both of you? You also mention parenting which indicates that there are children in the house. If there is active drug or alcohol abuse in the house and there are children, NOTHING else matters. Drug/alcohol abuse is one of the most horribly damaging home environments for children (along with physical, mental, verbal abuses). You or your partner's intimacy issues aren't secondary, they're tertiary to the chem dep.

Make sense?


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AQ-43 (32-50 indicates a strong likelihood of Asperger syndrome or autism).
EQ-14 out of 80
Rdos: Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 173 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 39 of 200
You are very likely neurodiverse (Aspie)


IsabellaLinton
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16 Mar 2019, 10:43 am

LonelyTogether wrote:
This is the tip of the iceberg...we also struggle with parenting, finances, chemical dependency leading to DUIs, and loss of interaction with friends and family.


You want to sleep with a man who has poor parenting skills, a drug addiction and DUIs?!

LonelyTogether wrote:
Have any of you made it through situations like this successfully?


Yes. He was an addict with DUIs so I left him, successfully.



LonelyTogether
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16 Mar 2019, 1:32 pm

magz wrote:
LonelyTogether wrote:
This was posted first in what looks to be an OLD forum, so I am posting again in hopes of honest feedback.

I am NT and married to an Aspie. We have been married for 3 of our 8 years together. We tend to go through a few types of cycles, and I don't know how much energy I can put toward the relationship any longer. I am writing this to gain some insight and advice. Please know that I am very aware there are varying social and physical struggles for Aspies and expect this may be frustrating for some to read. I sincerely am at the end of my rope and seeking help.

Our physical cycle starts with gradual decline in some type of touch or frequency of sex (verbal intimacy has never been a thing with us even though he knows how to flirt with others when playing a role to socialize). I then start feeling lonely or doubting that he cares as much as he used to, and I think "he used to be willing to do blank, but now he is not. Does it mean he doesn't care as much?" When/if I bring my concerns to him (sometimes calmly,sometimes not), he perceives it as being told he is not good enough. I then feel like I must not be good enough or have been too insensitive and decide to comprimise/stop asking for that particular expression of intimacy. Sometimes he temporarily tries to be more cognizant, but it never really seems to stick as part of the routine, and almost all intimacy has now eroded away.

This is the tip of the iceberg...we also struggle with parenting, finances, chemical dependency leading to DUIs, and loss of interaction with friends and family.

I am a natural caretaker, which I am sure is one of the reasons he was attracted to me at first, but now it seems that the cards have been dealt in such a way that discomfort for him has been removed as much as possible, and I am now the uncomfortable one, always questioning why I feel the need for touch.
I rarely ask for compromise anymore because of the reactions I get. Even something as small as asking (maybe 3 times a year) to have my shoulders rubbed on a very stressful day garnishes a heavy sigh or an eye roll. When I ask for things, I try to detach emotionally and remove all hope for a positive reaction so that I am not hurt if there is a negative response, but removing hope from a relationship is not healthy either.

With his unwillingness to say or do anything outside of the bed more intimate than periodically putting his hand on my thigh or head in my lap, I have now grown bored with sex (NOT like me at all). I almost never initiate sex any longer.

I love kissing and cuddling but dismissed those desires several years ago. He used to do other things that were clearly love actions that made up for the lack of touch (making dinner and other tasks he would take off my plate), but that is less frequent as well. He seems to think that keeping a job (another difficult cycle we have been through several times), staying sobering, and sharing tasks around the house are all he needs to do to feed the relationship.

It feels like I am pushing someone on a swing who doesn't realize he needs to pump his legs to keep moving until the swing slows to a stop. Realizing that pushing is a type of enabling, I am so tired of pushing and am ready to just jump onto my own swing and pump it myself. I would rather be alone than lonely together. Have any of you made it through situations like this successfully?

I have no idea what the impact on your relationship will be but it is definitely time to push your own swing. Your husband likely struggles with keeping his job and staying sober and he likely has little spare energy - but it doesn't mean you should pump your energy into him. Take care of yourself first. I know it is hard for a natural carer but you can't give anything of value when you're empty. Your needs are valid. Your needs are what you need.
So yes, push your own swing and whatever happens to your husband, it's his problem. I know it is hard, I went through it when my husband struggled with his eating disorder - but acknowledging it is his problem and I need to care for myself first helped us both, now we are out of the worst.


I actually have started some self-care including therapy. I guess what I meant by the swing coming to a stop is the description of what happens when I step away to care for myself. He seems content when the swing of our relationship is not moving as long as I am cordial to him. He only seems to be discontent if I get snippy, and I try to communicate my feelings before I get that way. What hurts is that I know he cares about me, but I am starting to think it just isn't enough if he is expecting me to shoulder the lion's share of the discomfort.



magz
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16 Mar 2019, 1:44 pm

LonelyTogether wrote:
I actually have started some self-care including therapy. I guess what I meant by the swing coming to a stop is the description of what happens when I step away to care for myself. He seems content when the swing of our relationship is not moving as long as I am cordial to him. He only seems to be discontent if I get snippy, and I try to communicate my feelings before I get that way. What hurts is that I know he cares about me, but I am starting to think it just isn't enough if he is expecting me to shoulder the lion's share of the discomfort.

You see? All your response is focused on him and your relationship. That's natural for a caring person but also unhealthy when exceeding some extent.

Also, I think Magna and IsabellaLinton are right that when parenting and substance abuse are present together, there are more urgent issues right now.


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LonelyTogether
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16 Mar 2019, 3:28 pm

IsabellaLinton wrote:
LonelyTogether wrote:
This is the tip of the iceberg...we also struggle with parenting, finances, chemical dependency leading to DUIs, and loss of interaction with friends and family.


You want to sleep with a man who has poor parenting skills, a drug addiction and DUIs?!

LonelyTogether wrote:
Have any of you made it through situations like this successfully?


Yes. He was an addict with DUIs so I left him, successfully.


Thank you for the honest feedback. One if the reasons I am reaching out is because I can now acknowledge that my lack of self-esteem has made me way too tolerant. He has made major forward progress in the alcohol arena, and I am now trying to decide if that progreas will ever be enough.



LonelyTogether
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16 Mar 2019, 3:46 pm

Magna wrote:
He was officially diagnosed? If so, how long has he you known this?

When you say chemical dependency and DUIs (plural), do you mean him? Both of you? You also mention parenting which indicates that there are children in the house. If there is active drug or alcohol abuse in the house and there are children, NOTHING else matters. Drug/alcohol abuse is one of the most horribly damaging home environments for children (along with physical, mental, verbal abuses). You or your partner's intimacy issues aren't secondary, they're tertiary to the chem dep.

Make sense?


Yes, he was in the process of being diagnosed when we met 8 years ago. It is not an abusive home; parenting is a struggle, but therapy has mostly helped with that.

He had the DUIs. The l last DUI 2 years ago was a big wake-up call,and he is currently on a medication regimen that is very helpful. J he early drinks now and definitely drinks with moderation when he does. He has made big strides, and I have made the line in the sand very clear with regard to those things.

I think my struggles are based in knowing that he is trying in many ways and has made improvements, but it may be too late, and my fatigue with revisiting the cycle of asking for my affection needs to be met feels like it is breaking me. I will be visiting this again with him and am thankful for this opportunity to process this with you guys.



IsabellaLinton
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16 Mar 2019, 4:09 pm

LonelyTogether wrote:
It is not an abusive home


If he drinks to the point he needs medication, drives when drunk, is a lousy parent and shows no affection, it is definitely an "abusive home". I can't fathom that you're worried about anything beyond the welfare of your kids.



LonelyTogether
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16 Mar 2019, 7:34 pm

IsabellaLinton wrote:
LonelyTogether wrote:
It is not an abusive home


If he drinks to the point he needs medication, drives when drunk, is a lousy parent and shows no affection, it is definitely an "abusive home". I can't fathom that you're worried about anything beyond the welfare of your kids.


He is not on meds for alcoholism and wasn't an abusive drunk; drinking came and went in cycles with his depression. He self-medicated anxiety and depression with alcohol. He is on a med that helps now, and he barely drinks.

Abusive is a strong term. I screwed up as a mother with how long I put up with alcohol being consistently in the home. It is hard to paint a picture of the environment for you to understand. I don't think it is what you are envisioning, but I acknowledge that it wasn't healthy, which is why it isn't happening anymore.

When it comes down to it, I am coming around to the idea that I am not being too selfish to end this even if he continues to try.



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16 Mar 2019, 10:25 pm

It sounds to me like what you each want out of the realtionship is incompatible


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18 Mar 2019, 10:59 am

It is time to stop <barred>trying</barred>.