Regular social events (like church)

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Does anyone have any tips for coping with regular social events? My specific example is church...it is SO DRAINING to smile at, hug, shake hands, etc. with so many acquaintances. It feels fake, but important to everyone else, so I am constantly monitoring my face, body language, etc. Like if my smile is making my eyes crinkle so it looks genuine. Am I doing something weird with my hands. Whether I am crossing my arms, which could look angry. All that. And I don't like people touching me as a general rule, but it is taken personally to refuse hugs and hand shakes. (I am a female, in case the masking behaviors didn't tip you off.)

It is also loud and crowded, which is difficult. That also makes understanding what people say more difficult because I have hearing loss and an auditory processing issue that makes it hard for me to tune out background noise.

I find myself low-level dreading going all week, and then feeling very tense as I get ready, arrive, and am there. I've found it helps to bring a small rock with me to hold and run my fingers over when I'm anxious...that's something I used to do a lot as a kid, and I resurrected the habit. But that only helps a little. Then after I get home, I feel sort of hungover. Very exhausted, on edge, about to cry.

I used to do better before I had a kid...I think having a toddler I have to socialize with all day, every day doesn't leave me enough energy for a big social gathering? And I don't have the option to hibernate for the rest of the day either, unless my spouse is willing to take over...which typically only happens if I have a full meltdown, usually followed by an involuntary nap.

My husband is very social, extroverted, and confident, so he doesn't understand why I don't look forward to going and why I seem to be sad/exhausted after. I have tried to explain, but he seems to think I am just making excuses? Not sure, but he doesn't like hearing my reasons.

Any tips for coping while there, explaining to husband, improving the circumstances all appreciated. I don't like wondering if the coming Sunday will be a meltdown day or not every week.

Are you formally diagnosed?

We shake hands during the "Sign of Peace" halfway through the service, but no hugging. I would refuse to hug others. Shaking hands is bad enough for me. Actually, these winter months have been glorious because being flu season, an edict went out from the Bishop asking that all churches in our area refrain from shaking hands. If it was customary to hug, I wouldn't make a big deal about it and would just say: "I'm not a hugger." If people were offended, rest assured I wouldn't waste a second caring what others would think about that.

I wear a special kind of earplugs in church and in public. Google "high fidelity earplugs". The kind I have are small, clear and nearly invisible. I've had them almost a year and I have never once had anyone ask me about them.

You said you have hearing issues though. Do you wear hearing aids?

PoseyBuster, I have a tip that may help, not for sure tho. From your description, you said that by the time you got out of the scene, you were mentally exhausted in addition to being on edge and about to cry. The mental exhaustion I have experienced too (more on that in a minute) but regarding the latter, it sounds like your blood sugar is bottoming out. You could try some OJ when you get home and that should help that side of things. Also, be sure to eat some breakfast before you go. And make it one with protein and complex carbs instead of a lot of sugar, like pancakes loaded with syrup.

I know what you are experiencing tho because the exact same thing happened to me. I stumbled onto a stage play house near me about a year ago and went to a few of their productions. It turned out to be small with all seats close to the stage and the acting was superb. Unlike your situation tho, I was "alone in the crowd" nor were people interacting with me almost to the point of physical assault like they do in church. Even so when the play was over my brain was mush! The last time I went there was a man in the cast I knew at university way back in the 1970s and I should have gone up and talked to him. I couldn't tho because I would have been lucky to put two words together! I concentrated on making it to my car and driving home.

Give the OJ a try next time. Hopefully it will help some. As always tho, Your Mileage May Vary...

Thank you for your advice!

I am not formally diagnosed. I just ran across an article about how female symptoms appear different from male last year and it really clicked for me. Before, I just thought I was an especially extreme introvert and unusually logic-driven for a female, which caused me to have trouble having many friends. I thought my anxiety issues were separate (didn't know rocking wasn't a normal thing to do when anxious). I also thought it was normal to figure out what kind of person a situation demands and become that...I had a work version, party version, babysitting children version, etc. But no, not diagnosed. I just personally suspect it.

I had a much easier time coping before having a kid. I think I had enough alone time then - my job was one where I sat alone at my computer 95% of the time, and I had quiet evenings alone or with my spouse. Now I am home interacting with my toddler all day.

The flu season break from greeting each other was amazing! I miss it. I've noticed it seems to be a female thing to greet with hugs at my church. The men just shake hands.

I may check into the earplugs. I don't have bad enough hearing loss to need hearing aids. The issue is mainly the hearing processing issue, which is neurological. My brain doesn't filter out background noise and focus in on things like speech the way a normal brain does. Those are also the frequencies where I have the hearing loss. So in a cafe, I could easily tune out the people talking around me and read. But it would probably be hard to hear what you are saying at my table. At church, it is hard because after the service my husband wants to stay and chat, and I struggle to hear the people he is talking to over all the other noise. I usually stare at their lips like a weirdo to help fill in the gaps I can't actually hear. And I am ready to leave usually, but feel bad keeping him from the socializing he needs, so that adds to the stress as well.

But thank you for the earplug idea. Is there a particular brand you recommend? Especially for the music, that would be helpful. This church likes the music LOUD. You can feel it in your body it is so loud sometimes. My husband says most people like that, but I find it unsettling.

Thank you. I will give that a try. I usually bring a drink or snacks with me if I need to go shopping or something, but for some reason I haven't ever thought to do that for church. I will try having something in the car for when we leave...or maybe even sneak a candy in with me. And good point about breakfast. I often end up just grabbing a piece of fruit because getting ready on time is so rushed, but will try to switch that for peanut butter toast or something.

I had not considered a physical reason for some of my symptoms, so thank you!

If you suspect constant toddler care is the problem, then perhaps you could use the "mother's day out" or whatever childcare your church offers during the week, so you can get a little time for yourself. You could also try taking anti-anxiety medication before attending, if you have a prescription. (Anxiety is often comorbid with autism.) I often find a way to be useful but out of the way after services, by saying "I'm going to go help with the dishes/nursery/tidying up" and come back afterwards to see if my husband is finished socializing. Is your husband very committed to this particular church? Maybe if you could find one of the same denomination that is a little smaller you would feel more at home. Attending a megachurch can interfere with your real spiritual life.

My brain can not filter background noises to the background either. All sounds barrage equally until it's simply overwhelming. The earplugs that work best for me are eargasm brand. They come in translucent so they're nearly invisible. They're washable and reusable. They are superb in that unlike the compressible disposable foam earplugs that block a ton of sound, the high fidelity earplugs reduce background noises to a low blended muffle. I'm able to hear those that are near me much easier. They have been amazing.

Thank you so much for this tip! My earplugs came in the mail this past week, and I was able to try them out. They definitely took the edge off my anxiety. I also was able to time a "bathroom break" so that I could miss any pre-service hugs. Did receive a couple after the service, but avoided most by holding my toddler. So definitely a more bearable experience. I was exhausted after, but not to the point of a meltdown.

I go to Quaker meetings, and most people know not to hug me without asking me first. If someone reaches out to me, even to just touch my arm, I put my hands up, palms out: Back Off. usually the person will apologise and give me space even if they don't know me. I'll still talk to them,but they aren't to touch without explicit consent. Also most people know I only hug people I've got comfortable with,so they may not ask at all, or they may ask but expecting I'll say no, and they won't be upset about it.

It will be harder to change what people do if they're used to hugging you already.

One thing that can help is if someone looks about to hug you, reach out your right hand to them for a handshake instead. If they have to touch you at least that is much less invasive.

Many Aspies experience problems hearing in loud, noisy, crowded environments. I have found that if I focus on one person and watch their lips, I can generally understand them better. It is like lip reading.

I also have poor hearing (because of age) so I wear hearing aids. High quality hearing aids can be adjusted to allow you to hear better in loud, noisy, crowded environments. It is a programming feature in the hearing aid.

Aspies generally experience more stress than NTs. This stress energy get locked away in your limbs and needs to be vented. Some of this stress gets locked away in your neck, vocal cords and jaws. To release it you need to scream every once and a while. But it must be done in a socially acceptable manner. If your church has an active choir, then I would recommend you join it and sing very loud to your hearts content. It will help relieve the stress.

Most Aspies are introverts. Introverts recharge their bodies by being alone. Extroverts recharge their bodies by being in a group. Extroverts talk and bounce off one person and then another each time recharging their bodies a little. So the stress from going to church for an introvert needs some alone time afterwards.

I don't think I can help you with your dislike for hugs and handshakes, since I am a hugger. But I will offer one suggestion on handshakes. It is important in the NT world that when you shake a person's hand, to present a firm handshake. A wishy washy handshake can be interpreted as someone without any conviction, drive, socialization skills. Therefore I would advise you pull your husband aside, since he is an extrovert, and tell him you would like to practice handshaking. Shake his hand and have him score your handshake. If it is too soft, shake it again. Keep doing this and eventually the "vice-grip" handshake will occur. This is the kind that breaks bones. When it does make sure your husband tells you so that you can back off a little and make it just right. So when at church just concentrate on giving a firm handshake. Focus on the "firm".