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ZackMichel
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20 Mar 2019, 9:39 am

Does anyone have specific 'masking' skills that cause them distress? I regularly use 'masking' skills to get by at work and in public. I'm considering letting go of some of those habits after reading the study below, which suggests that masking or camouflaging autistic traits could lead to other mental health issues like depression or anxiety..


Some habits that cause me distress include:

- trying to respond to personal questions with a 'normal' answer that might be dishonest
- putting on a smiling, 'engaged' expression constantly
- silencing repetitive words/phrases, or keeping them in my head
- sneaking around to avoid social interactions entirely and avoid 'messing up'
- spending free time rehearsing rhetorical conversations or 're-doing' recent conversations
- copying 'successful' people's tone of voice and gestures rather than being 'natural' about it
- hiding emotions in response to loud sounds/strong smells/loud talking people


There are some ways I'm trying to become more genuine/honest with myself and others. I've started bringing stimmy items to work (like this dinosaur eraser and thick metal ring) that I play with constantly. I'm trying to pause before I give an answer to a personal question and remember that I am not trying to tell the person what they want to hear, but I want to try to tell them how I honestly feel even if that might not go over so well.

Maybe it is a bad idea to stop 'masking' because it will influence the way the world responds to me. Maybe, however, it will make me feel more fulfilled and reduce some of my anxiety/depression/identity issues. What do people think? What are some masking skills that you might want to let go of (if you can)?

Here's a cool article about camouflaging in people with autism spectrum conditions:
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5509825/


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DanielW
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20 Mar 2019, 10:03 am

I think masking in general causes a lot of stress. Personally I have to make an effort to put an appropriate expression on my face (people often tell me I look angry), and change my tone of voice (it sounds flat or robotic). Being out in public in general is hard when I feel like I am a huge impostor.

Some of the things I have been working on in therapy have been in the way of not trying so hard to "fake" it, and to self-regulate my emotions/behaviors. I am stimming more too. finding those more publicly acceptable stims I can safely use without drawing too much unwanted attention to myself.

Also working on being more "authentic" with people, honest about my limitations. Just trying to feel more like a human.



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20 Mar 2019, 10:23 am

Ironically I feel like I have to mask more when I'm out in public, than when I'm with people like family at home or colleagues at work. I think it's because I feel like strangers judge me more than people who know me. And if somebody I know does judge me, I am able to explain things to them or express myself, where as in public if a stranger is scrutinizing me I can't just go up to them and start introducing myself and my life's story to them. So I actually feel more emotionally exhausted coming home from being in a public place, than I do coming home from a social gathering.

:?


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20 Mar 2019, 11:39 am

I don't have the ability to mask. It takes me a long time to respond to questions, so there's always a long pause before I answer, and I struggle to guess what kinds of answers people "want" me to give, so I tend to be very honest in my responses. I can't suppress my stimming, because trying only increases my agitation, which in turn increases my need to stim. I can't replace one stim with another; if I need to bounce, rocking on my toes won't help, and if I need to flap, I can't make that need go away by playing with something in my hands. It's actually a major reason self-injurious stims are still a big problem for me.

Personally I don't think masking should be necessary for anyone. There's nothing wrong with us, or with being who we really are. Some people may be put off, but that's their problem, not ours, and the people we want to be around will respect us for our genuineness.


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20 Mar 2019, 12:18 pm

I've masked all my life, but I didn't know that was what I was doing. I was just trying to get along in a strange world.

Yes, it is exhausting. I do better when I am in a specific role (teacher, nurse, etc.) than in ordinary social situations, because there the rules are more clear. I am totally exhausted after social events and now choose not to attend.


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Lizbeth Ann
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20 Mar 2019, 12:34 pm

That’s a good point



Last edited by Lizbeth Ann on 20 Mar 2019, 12:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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20 Mar 2019, 12:47 pm

:twisted:

ZackMichel wrote:
Does anyone have specific 'masking' skills that cause them distress? I regularly use 'masking' skills to get by at work and in public. I'm considering letting go of some of those habits after reading the study below, which suggests that masking or camouflaging autistic traits could lead to other mental health issues like depression or anxiety..


Some habits that cause me distress include:

- trying to respond to personal questions with a 'normal' answer that might be dishonest
- putting on a smiling, 'engaged' expression constantly
- silencing repetitive words/phrases, or keeping them in my head
- sneaking around to avoid social interactions entirely and avoid 'messing up'
- spending free time rehearsing rhetorical conversations or 're-doing' recent conversations
- copying 'successful' people's tone of voice and gestures rather than being 'natural' about it
- hiding emotions in response to loud sounds/strong smells/loud talking people


There are some ways I'm trying to become more genuine/honest with myself and others. I've started bringing stimmy items to work (like this dinosaur eraser and thick metal ring) that I play with constantly. I'm trying to pause before I give an answer to a personal question and remember that I am not trying to tell the person what they want to hear, but I want to try to tell them how I honestly feel even if that might not go over so well.

Maybe it is a bad idea to stop 'masking' because it will influence the way the world responds to me. Maybe, however, it will make me feel more fulfilled and reduce some of my anxiety/depression/identity issues. What do people think? What are some masking skills that you might want to let go of (if you can)?

Here's a cool article about camouflaging in people with autism spectrum conditions:
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5509825/

“Maybe it is a bad idea to stop 'masking' because it will influence the way the world responds to me. Maybe, however, it will make me feel more fulfilled and reduce some of my anxiety/depression/identity issues. What do people think? What are some masking skills that you might want to let go of (if you can)?”

I think that sometimes we have to mask for professional and emotional safety reasons. However as awareness/ acceptance and advocacy of autism is spread the more safer it’s to be a little more like myself.

I hope you don’t think I’m invalidating your experience it definitely would be a hell of alot easier if I could be myself 100%. Yes i do want to be more of my authentic self but in a way depending on the role im playing the self that I portray is expressed according to the context of the situation. For example, like when i talk to my boss verse a friend. I think I’m just agreeing with you.

Because of the autism it makes it more difficult to change as easily as an NT and avoid all the unnecessary anxiety/depression/identity issues.

If I could stop masking it would be in the area of making friends. This would free my energy up to enjoy the relationship and only mask when it’s required like work.



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20 Mar 2019, 4:24 pm

I think that some level of "masking" may be necessary to achieve certain goals. An example would be at work, where there is both a spoken and unspoken code of conduct, and breaking too many of those rules could affect your perceived job performance, or even keep you from being able to do your job well at all (like sales would not go well if you made customers uncomfortable).

I think it would be lovely to be able to do what makes me comfortable more often though...like sit on the floor in the back of the room at church (away from the eyes and loudspeakers) and doodle while I listen. But I'm too worried about how others would take it, so all I've done on that front is order earplugs. For now, I've let myself stop worrying about things like eye contact and facial expressions while I'm talking to my therapist? Maybe that's progress?

If anyone has started working on this, let me know. I am also curious if anyone has areas where they aren't totally sure what their actual personality is? Like what's left if you remove your "work," "friendly neighbor," "social event," etc. behaviors? I have been trying to think back to my childhood for ideas/insight. I spend all the time I am around people thinking about my effect on them, so I'm not entirely sure who I would WANT to be like when around them. Or what things to remove vs. keep doing to be a nice person. If that makes sense. It doesn't seem fair to only do what I want allllll the time and expect everyone else to deal with it when it makes them uncomfortable. That sounds like I'd be doing to them, knowingly, what they do to me by accident. Or maybe I'm overthinking things.

I also wonder if/how much creating "masks" or personas is something NTs do? Do they put on their "work face" and "work body language" and "work vocabulary" too, or is it a more natural process for them to adjust behaviors for different scenarios? Because people do all seem to act differently at work vs. not.


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DanielW
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20 Mar 2019, 4:30 pm

PoseyBuster88 wrote:
I also wonder if/how much creating "masks" or personas is something NTs do? Do they put on their "work face" and "work body language" and "work vocabulary" too, or is it a more natural process for them to adjust behaviors for different scenarios? Because people do all seem to act differently at work vs. not.


An interesting idea - Its what I tend to do myself to try and blend in.



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21 Mar 2019, 5:10 am

DanielW wrote:
PoseyBuster88 wrote:
I also wonder if/how much creating "masks" or personas is something NTs do? Do they put on their "work face" and "work body language" and "work vocabulary" too, or is it a more natural process for them to adjust behaviors for different scenarios? Because people do all seem to act differently at work vs. not.


An interesting idea - Its what I tend to do myself to try and blend in.

Carl Jung described it as "persona" https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Persona_(psychology)
He claimed some people identify totally with their personas and this is what being shallow means. Other's personas break and this is a chance to psychologically grow.

My own stance is - some masking is useful to go smoothly through brief interactions with others like, say, passport control. But I have all the problems caused by wearing the mask all the time (I had no safe place to remove it when growing up), including anxiety, depression, identity confusion, alexithymia and constant self-doubt. And my relatives not trusting me because they know I wear a mask.

Now being adult I'm working hard on unlearning masking and becoming familiar with my real self.


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21 Mar 2019, 7:34 am

StarTrekker wrote:
Personally I don't think masking should be necessary for anyone. There's nothing wrong with us, or with being who we really are. Some people may be put off, but that's their problem, not ours, and the people we want to be around will respect us for our genuineness.


Well said, StarTrekker, I agree.

I also have some potentially self-injurious stims, but they tend to come out when I get extremely overloaded/overwhelmed. I am learning to monitor the stress level and avoid the need for those stims. I am not always able to avoid it, but I am having some successes.



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21 Mar 2019, 11:20 pm

I would actually say that my 'masking' is in part a response to distress. My very early life is a bit too muddled in my memory for me to say anything conclusive there but once I was school age, being able to mask/hide/filter myself ended up a kind of needed for survival. Mind you I didn't know I had Aspergers until adulthood, so this needing to mask things about myself was purely on a vague feeling that there was things not quite the same as others. I had times and places where I didn't need to so much but School for instance, showed me that being my unfiltered self meant I was vulnerable, and being vulnerable meant making myself a target. Of course doing that I ended up totally burned out, losing who I was, and hating what who I did recognize; so I don't recommend it - not at the level I was operating at anyway.

I'm still a bit reserved/guarded but I think generally the worse I experience from filtering myself is some frustration and tiredness. People may get the wrong impression of me from my behavior at times, so that can lead to some loneliness for me. However, it still tends to be a self defense for me and really the only way I can often help ease of anxiety of social situations. Overall I suppose it'd be nice to not have to feel like I need to be guarded but I'm doing the best I can right now. (This being said, if you were to actually have a conversation with me I am rather forth coming, which I think may confuse some people to thinking that there is no 'tentativeness' on my part)

There's a few things that I do because of social convention says one should... I'd prefer to not have to do those a lot of the time. I rather be blunt and say what I'm thinking, but I already know that in most cases that would cause a problem or hurt some one's feelings. I don't want to hurt anyone generally, but not being able to say what I want to can suck.

Most of this applies to being in public or with other people outside of my household or someone I'm close with. There might be some things here and there with my more private relationship but they mostly get unfiltered, un-pretending me.


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25 Mar 2019, 8:40 pm

I don't ever think of it as "masking" in the moment. It's just what I have to do to interact with other people.

All the things you listed except the first one make me tired, and after an extended time, anxious. I don't know how to give a dishonest answer. I have to do the opposite to not push people away--pause before I give an answer to check if I might unintentionally offend. I usually do anyway :(

#5 of your list takes up too much of my life, and if you have any success making rehearsal and re-do conversations go away, please share!



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25 Mar 2019, 9:32 pm

Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

Takes an enormous amount of effort to "act normal." If you don't act normal society treats you as "less." Few NTs (who make up 98% of the population) want to deal with an autistic that isn't trying to act normal.

Some people find great situations where they can be themselves without consequences, but most don't. It's the curse we bear.


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25 Oct 2021, 6:31 am

‘Masking’ for Years Can Leave Autistic People Confused About Who They Really Are

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“When you’re acting all the time, you tend to get confused between the character you’re playing, and yourself,” A.B., now 30, who had started masking when she was in college, explains. I can relate.

While I have been masking as far back as I can remember, I upped the game so much in my fourth year of law school that, overnight, I “appeared” to have turned into an entirely different person, according to people who knew me at the time. I’m autistic, and unbeknownst to myself, I was “masking” to hide my “neurodivergence” — words I’d never heard of at the time

“It’s a survival strategy,” says Nidhi Singhal from Action For Autism (AFA), an NGO in New Delhi.

However, people don’t often realize they’re masking because, over time, they begin to believe their masked selves are who they truly are. “Masking to me is like me being on autopilot to survive uncomfortable situations… I only realized that I was doing it [when I became aware of my autism],” Shayonee, 32, says.

Camouflaging can limit one’s understanding of their strengths, traits, comforts, and discomforts, and as Singhal points out, even hamper their “ability to trust their instincts.”

“The first question that came up in my head when I realized I was neurodivergent was: ‘Who am I really?’” says Tanuka Ray, a psychotherapist from Kolkata. Not being able to tell which of her traits are masked and which belong to her, complicates her relationship with her neurodivergence.

This distortion of their self-identity — besides the impact of masking on their mental health — often devolves into an identity crisis for many autistic people. “In the long term, my whole perception of myself is twisted,” says A.B.

When I look back at photos from my pre-diagnosis days, I feel I’m looking at a stranger wearing my bodysuit. How did I hug so many people when physical contact with people — especially hugging — is almost painful to me? How did I manage to interact with groups of more than five people when the sound of even two people talking at the same time quickly devolves into a sensory nightmare for me? The more I look at these digitally preserved moments from my past, the more confused I get.

“[N]ot knowing who they are, what their place is in the world… can be very confusing and impact one’s relationships, one’s friendships, even one’s career,” Gopika Kapoor had told The Swaddle in March this year.

Unfortunately, despite making a conscious decision to accept their neurodivergence, many individuals continue struggling to stop masking. A.B. calls this unconscious or subconscious tendency a “default setting” that often switches on automatically in social settings, especially when she finds her autistic self being rejected by people around her.

To avoid masking, I’ve actively begun avoiding social interactions. Every time I interact with people, I mask. It’s almost uncontrollable — often, it’s because I don’t know how to be without my mask.

Tanuka believes transitioning into a “space of curiosity” about herself has helped her begin the process of overcoming the identity crisis brought on by years of camouflaging.

This curiosity-based approach has worked for me too. Instead of going by what my Instagram pictures “appear” to suggest, I try to recall what I was feeling when they were clicked. Often, the memories I have of the instances captured on camera are that of pain, discomfort, and anxiety. Most of all though, I remember an intense struggle to “fit in.”

This journey of discovering who I am underneath the mask isn’t an easy one. It involves long walks down memory lane and questioning almost everything I know about myself. However, the process can also be a rewarding one.

But while learning about who we are can mitigate the long-term impact of camouflaging, it doesn’t nip the necessity to camouflage at the bud. For that to happen, society needs to learn too — and quickly.


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25 Oct 2021, 6:43 am

^ That's me before the diagnosis.
The problem (not mentioned above) was, when I developed mental health problems, they were completely misinterpreted because of this identity confusion - leading to very serious misdiagnosis and mismedication.

I was really lucky to get out of it.


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